Thursday, August 8, 2013

I Found Myself Crying...And I Didn't Know It

I Found Myself Crying... And I Didn't Know It
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I was just sitting here... living.  Breathing... in a trance... thinking about how thankful I am to find out that my brother is okay.  Just sitting here... living.  Doing what we do when we forget that we are doing other things like writing, cleaning, driving, and such.

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Just living... thinking about everything, not aware that I'm doing it.  I'm 'just me'... not doing anymore than... being.  From the time I learned from someone that my brother had a stroke... I have been emotional.  My thoughts turned.. inward.

I forgot about doing things, what I was doing... I became thought, itself.

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Dying... I thought about death.  Tommy died... my only child is gone.  There's no other child to come to see me, to hug me, say ... 'I love you, Mom'.  No one....

I thought how much I loved my little brother.  No matter that I am older... one might say 'senior citizen'.  I'm not saying 'that'.... No matter how old I ever get... he'll be my little brother... my youngest brother.

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

No one knows who he is.  No one knows I had a 'family'.  No one ever really knew where I came from through the years.  I thought about the shock, surprise when I came to live with my mother as a teenager.

People would exclaim, "Earlene, I never knew you had a daughter!  She's beautiful like you"!  The 'never-knowing' made an impression on me... no one knew 'my mama ...was my mama'.  Did she ever speak of me?

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

On both sides of my 'family'... no one knew my mother... or my father... had a daughter.  I wonder 'why'?  I really wonder 'why'.  Was I a secret?  Why would I be... my parents were married... did they try to pretend 'I wasn't there'... when I didn't live with one or the other?

As a thought... I go on to other things to think about... I'm a thought... so, I'm not aware of doing that.  I am doing as a thought does... I think; I'm not conscious of thinking... I am 'thinking'.

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I think about my cousins in Oregon, Arizona... cousins in North Carolina.  I think how... yes, I've come to terms with it now... I 'unfamilied' them.  Just one day... I let go of them.  Why?  I don't know 'why'... it's in me.  It was born in me... I am no better than anyone I speak of... I do it, too.  I wonder 'what it's called'.....

I feel sad... I did it... and like all decisions you, or I make... when we make them... we think we made a right one.  Life is like that... we lay in the beds we make... go on living.

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

It still doesn't stop the ... thinking.  I think about my mama, how I loved her so much.  Somehow... she didn't love me like I did her.  I think maybe my mother loved-hated me at the same time.  If she did, I understand.

I am a either 'love-hate' kind of person... love kind of person; hate kind of person.  Just take your choice... if it feels right... then... that's me.  Sometimes... like right now.. I'm thinking I don't like me.  Why?  I don't know... I am just a thought... I never thought about... liking a thought while... it's thinking.

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Thinking thought... thought thinking.... a little spring bubbles with fresh, crystal-clear water; the sun shines down on it trying to warm it with its kisses... it can't... the little spring as it bubbles... has constant fresh-cold water... it bubbles, too.  The sunshine kisses don't have a chance... but... it can make the water ... have a magical glow.  Special...

I think about my father... the time I saw him before... seeing... him lying on that table.  His face was disfigured from the surgeries he had... cancer.  I wonder if he was smiling at me... even looking at his eyes, I couldn't tell.  I did see a gleam in them, but... it didn't tell me anything.  Did he look at me with love... or indifferently?

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

My brother, Rick-Rick... that was my brother.  I loved him with my heart.  He did everything I would never do... lived a life I could never live, yet... I dearly love him.  My brother, Rick-Rick... always came; he was 'always there'.  He loved me unconditionally... just as I loved him.  Damn... life is so sad.

As a thought thinking... I gradually begin to consciously 'feel myself as a person'... my face is wet.  Why?  I reach up, touch my face... tears are falling freely.

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I'm full of regrets... I feel emotional.  I'm sad today.  I didn't know that... I didn't wake up thinking I would cry today.  I feel like a child... a hurting child.  Damn... I don't believe this.

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I think I'm fighting to 'not feel anger'... I spoke to Skip a few minutes ago.  I told him, I couldn't believe I wasn't called, told about something so serious.

How can people be so callous, cold?  How can I say that?  Who am I to judge?  We have to be the way we are... that's all we know to be.  I don't hold it against them.

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee... at the age she learned to say the word 'Damn'... earning the right to use it 'forever'... her mother washed her mouth out with Ivory Soap to wash that dirty word out... she missed it!  Gloria says it anytime she feels... like it.  It's 'her' word...

I'm not going to be angry... I'm not going to be mad.  Why would I be... they just forgot... to tell me.  These are thoughts in my mind as I became a thought... to think.  When I came back to reality... I found myself crying... I didn't know it.

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

NOTE:  Drawing, writing are thoughts... these are thoughts at other times in the past... my thoughts.
Doodles, drawing, painting... my thoughts in the past.
Gloria Faye Brown Bates

1 comment:

  1. I have some kin people I don't hear from either. I have had some that died and I didn't know about it until after their funeral. So I know how it feels to think about things like that. I do have 2 brothers that if something happens to them, hopefully their wives will let me know. Hopefully from now on, maybe someone will let you know if something else happens to your brother, someone will let you know. Love, Ms. Nancy----just so you don't forget----I love you Gloria!!!