Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Thursday, August 8, 2013
This Is Yet Another... Dark Color... In My Life
This Is Yet Another ... Dark Color ... In My Life
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I was just told that my brother, David, is in the hospital in Chapel Hill... apparently, he had a stroke yesterday. No one thought to call me. I think they forgot to...
Below, is what I wrote... and it explains 'why' I'm putting it on my blogs. I want them to read it...
Life isn't perfect for me... I'm not perfect. Most of my life has been pain. I don't let it dominate me... I forgive, go on living. I don't 'just die' because... someone hates me, doesn't like me... or quits loving me.
Some times when I feel pain... it takes me forever to get past it... such as my son's death... Tommy's death. I won't ever get over it, I can live with it, now. I always hurt in my Heart... I never stop thinking of him.
But... when a mother loves, truly loves her child... isn't that ... normal? Grief... is love. I wouldn't grieve if I hadn't loved my child. It means ... his life meant something ... to me.
Just because I have a dysfunctional 'family'... and when I say 'family', I always put parentheses around the word... it doesn't mean I hate them. I love them... I hate them, too. Yes... it's true. I told you that... I'm not perfect. I would be 'if I didn't have feelings'...
They've had their chance to be close to me through the years... no one ever bothered. I still loved them. Through the years I wished with my heart for just that... relationships would start... end as quickly.
My 'family' ever since I've 'known what family is'... always fought to find blood, hated each other, always suspicious of each other, only loved to get what they wanted from the other. Once they did, the relationship ended. I was different... I still loved at the same time... I hated.
Hate, anger ... were my biggest lessons to learn as a child. I learned them well... I have always been the most 'angry person' in this world... but, I didn't let people see it. I kept on smiling... as I coped with it, put the anger... pain in its own place... so, I could live. When younger... I had a 'chip on my shoulder'. I got rid of that many years ago.
I learned that when people... and me... do things, make decisions... we do that from what's in our mind... be it either wrong, or right. Who am I to say someone made the wrong decision... when in their mind... they thought they were right?
Same way, with me. It's always easy to call 'you made the wrong decision... after seeing the results' from the decision made. So... with 'family'... we are all right, we are all wrong... who knows? We all think 'we are right'...
Strange thing with me... I wish I was like the 'rest of my family' in this respect... I can't be. 'Why' did I have to have a heart, why? Why do I find in my heart to be able to let go, forgive? Why? Sometimes, I wish I didn't... and just continued to hate the rest of my life... it would be less pain. I am sure it would be.
It's like that 'damn' (yep, I said 'damn'!).... swimming pool that wasn't meant to be this summer. When I opened the plug at the bottom to let the water continuously flow... that's the way I am with 'hate, anger' in my life, now. I 'let it all keep flowing on out of me'.
I know you wonder 'how can she do that... especially when some people have done some of 'the worst things' to me, my body... from a little girl... up. I wish I could answer that... that's 'where I've always been different'... in my 'family.
As a young person, I was like them... I could harbor all that hate, anger .... I was the mirror of hate, anger... when you looked at me... you didn't want to bother me. I had been mistreated so much... that I mirrored it with my hate, anger. I 'was hate, anger'... anyone who got near me... was burned by it.
Anyone who neared me... regretted it. If I had been a rattlesnake... I was the one who would bite. Anger, hatred dominated my life in my early years... as the years went by... I began to change. I began to watch, listen, compare, think, read... I began to understand about how important it was to get all that out of me.
Of course... I'm not perfect. I believe in God, good things... doing good to others, animals... being the best I can be; learn from my mistakes. God knows I have made plenty of mistakes... been on the wrong paths in life ...seduced by money, glamour, beautiful and shiny things, beautiful people... why... as a young person I wanted 'all that'.
I look back at how naive I was... how it taught me some of the hardest lessons I ever learned... lessons that shook me to the core. Lessons that I would have never wanted to learn... lessons that don't define the person I am today. Anger, hatred were my fuel as 'others led the way'... I followed them... to hell.
Have you ever tried to force... a square object into a round hole? You keep trying to mold it, shape it to fit.... and 'be damn'... it won't fit no matter which way you try?
I was the 'square object'... I 'didn't ever belong'... I 'couldn't find in myself' what I needed to be 'bad', truly 'bad'. 'I wasn't ever tough enough'; ruthless enough.
I'm not a mean person... yet... I can be when it comes to defending my person, my loved ones... animals. But... I'm not tough enough to do 'bad things'... does it even make sense? There 'are different shades of bad'.
Loving, caring, giving are the secrets to life... this is what I believe. I don't go to church, I don't let others tell me that 'I had better go to church, because I'm going to surely go to hell'.
Why? Because... for a lot of reasons. How do they know? Why is their life so bad... am I supposed to 'not see, know' about them as they try to preach to me? Another thing... who is anyone to tell me that my religion is wrong? How can they be sure... theirs is?
When I feel good inside... in my heart... I 'know' I'm doing right. If I begin to doubt, feel bad... I re-examine decisions, thoughts, my actions, my words... if I feel I did wrong... I hurry as fast as I can to make it right.
Now... I'm sure there are times 'I haven't hurried to make something right'... because maybe... I didn't see what I did ... wrong. See... that's why I'm never... perfect. I know this... guess what? I know you, anyone else... isn't either.
We all try to do the best we can... when we are good people. If we are bad... then... I'm sure we try to do all the bad we can in a day's time... right? You know... make someone else pay for the unhappiness in our minds... kill, maim them... hurt them good because we are pissed off at life.
Take the food away from a starving person... kick the prosthetic leg away from the person who only has one leg... laugh while he falls... kick a dog while it's cornered.
Give an old lady a chair... as soon as she goes to sit down... jerk it away from beneath her ass. Laugh like a banshee... because she falls all over the ground. That's life! Oh, how fun it is. Who else can I do ... today?
Here comes someone on a wheelchair... turn it over, dump the passenger out... you need the wheelchair more than he does... sit in it, watch him crawl to get back into it. Kick his hands... the poor, old b_____ doesn't need his wheelchair.
One more thing... I think about... the old people being made into crackers... one day! That's mean... to make old people into crackers, don't you think? I think that's a bad thing... though, at the moment... it has made me grin. Not only has it made me grin... I feel better now.
Anyway... bad people like to hurt, make fun of others, take advantage of the weak, sick, helpless.
You know... make sure they make someone's life 'hell' each day they live. That's their goal. I've been the victim of all those things... only I wasn't... killed. I lived... I found that 'I don't have it in me' to do things... like that.
My 'family' always wanted something from the other... as soon as it was obtained... The End. No expanation... but... if this is the way one grows up... it's understandable. Now... it no longer is something that hurts, bothers me... it is the way it is... that's the way life is ... sometimes. I can't change it... I can accept it, go on. I do.
I have to say this... this isn't pointed at most 'family' today... most of these family members are already been long gone. In fact, 'family' today... didn't ever 'know all my family... they never knew my daddy's side of the family... 'hell', no one knew where I come from. And my parents... were married.
No one, but... a very few... can take anything I've said... personal. If you do... then, it's something you have to cope with, come to peace with inside. If you hurt me through the years... I forgave you a long time ago, many years ago. I love, I don't hate you.
I don't even want to hate... anyone. I can get mad, pissed off, angry... but, give me time... it 'gets all gone' in time. I don't hold things against anyone... I don't forget, but... I do forgive.
I do have to say this... it's that '3rd time' one does something to me... 'that's when hell breaks loose'. :))) I forget about everything, because 'then'... I focus on the person who would do something bad to me... for the 3rd time. The first two times... it's not okay... but, I watch, listen... wait.
I didn't have a choice as you'll read below, to send my message... on how to send this message that is private... but, now... so, public. I said I don't feel anger... I lied. I do feel just a little... it's only the pain hurting inside my heart. No one cared to tell me... I love my brother. He knows it.
I'm sending my message now, on my blogs, my media. I respect whatever reason they have for not telling me anything... let me find out 'just any old way'... in their minds, they are justified. I understand when I make decisions to do, not to do... I have my own reasons for it. Even if not right... at the time I made a decision... it is right.
They keep up with me on all my writings... my 'family'. They've just caused me grief, pain of 'not knowing' anything. I write about my life, the colors in it. This is... yet... another dark color... in it.
If I've made the wrong decision to send my message this way... then, I did. It won't be my first, nor my last 'wrong' decision. Not only that... this is a 'color of my life'... it affected me in a very real way... not a good way at all. I'll write about it all I want to.
It is what it is... and life is/will be like this sometimes. I accept what I can't change. I love you, my brother... David. That ... your family can't take away. I send my thoughts, prayers your way for you to be well.
I would like to ask all my Friends to send positive thoughts, prayers to my brother, David. I just learned from someone that he has had a stroke. No one thought to tell me... and they are all as close as this group they joined some time ago to keep up with me.
I am very sad that you would choose not to tell me about my brother. I love him very much... you all know 'why' I never come around you... when we did... no one was glad to see us. And... when I was dying... no one came... no one came at all in my family excepting my brother, Ricky.... my aunt Frankie.
All I have in my mind is when I had just made it... finally come home... sitting on the front porch where Skip led me.... seeing you all drive by ...happily waving your hands. I 'waited for you to come back'... you'll never know the pain you caused as I realized no one was coming back... no one cared about me like I did them. That's what I grew up with....
I am not angry at you three... for this. I've never talked bad about you like everyone else did in the past... I always took up for you. I loved you. I respect your reasons for not telling me... I always have a reason when I do nothing... and whether anyone understands or not... in my mind until I feel differently... I'm right.
I never held against you, nor hated you when you didn't care when I was dying... no one came when I was diagnosed with cancer... no one cared. I never hated anyone for that... I understood. The 'family' I was dealt with in my lifetime... is like that... I accepted that. I loved you always... it was okay. I just don't ... forget... but, I love you all.
I respect whatever is inside you to treat me this way... I'm not perfect... so, who am I to say anything? I hope one day you'll see that the one person who always loved you, and your dad, your husband was me. I always loved you.
This all began last year when one of you asked me 'why?' I never came to see you through the years... we did... no one cared about seeing us. The times we got you guys to help us... we paid you more than some of our friends... when they would have done it for free. We 'wanted you'... young guys like to make money. You sure didn't have to do much for it. That's what love is about...
No matter what... I love you. I'm saddened you couldn't tell me about my brother.
You can leave my group at anytime... you follow, think I don't know it. Why would you do that... and take me off your Facebooks? I hope you all will leave my group... I will be checking. I would be lying if I said that I don't feel something... I do feel love with 'whatever something' is. I'll be checking later today, hope to see you gone. You are no longer welcome here. You know who you are... you are reading this... at this very minute.
To all my followers here... this is a private/public message... I would write it in private message to these family members... they have me blocked. I apologize for doing this... this way. This is the only choice I had. If you get upset at me for it... then... I respect that, too.
Sometimes.... life is really like this. Pain... more pain. I hurt inside so much at this very moment... I don't even know how my brother is doing. I love him very much... no matter how I'm treated.... I love my brother... it won't change. Hate as much as you want to... I love my brother, David.
So.... if any of you want to stop following me because of this... I understand, I accept... respect your decision. I've always been myself... and I sure 'ain't' perfect. I've never claimed to be... I just write about the pain in my life... this is only 'more'.
Love, Gloria /aka Granny Gee
PS ... I will be checking this evening... if you aren't out of my group... I will take you off. I love you... but, go read about what I write on the numerous other places you can see me... if you want to keep up with me.