I Thought I Could Tell You More... But, I Just... Can't

I Thought I Could Tell You More... But, I Just ...Can't
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Mama...

I was standing in the middle of the floor.  I couldn't think clearly, my mind was a fog.  The pain in my heart was overwhelming.  I put my hands over my eyes, rubbed them.  I've got to get ready, I thought.

My eyes were swollen, my vision was blurry.  I wanted to lay back down.  I couldn't, we had to be some place that morning.  Some place I didn't want to go to... the last time I was there... oh my God.  I couldn't bear to think about it anymore... but, the vision came into my mind, I couldn't stop it.

No!  No!  No!  My mind began screaming from the pain that pushed the words from my very soul.  I could see in my mind... standing there... Tommy and I were standing there... we were the only ones ... who stood there... looking down.

Fresh tears flowed freely down my face, my chest felt like it was going to explode.  I felt like I was going to faint... oh my God!  Oh my God!  Oh my God!  Mama!  No! No! No!

For a moment the tv caught my attention... I saw some buildings smoking, heard excitement in the narrator's voice.  I saw a plane crash into a tall building.  I stood there, vaguely wondering what kind of movie it was.  I was feeling my face, touching the wet the tears left.  I rubbed my fingertips gently under my eyes.

I stiffened... I leaned closer to the tv... I just couldn't see clearly.  I was going into a deeper shock. Something about the picture I was seeing on the tv screen.  I couldn't quite grasp what was happening... but, it was sinking in through the state I was already in... something bad is happening!

I was in another world... like being outside of a glass window... it being foggy... and I was trying to look inside through the tiny places that were clear.  My eyes were squinting... I was trying my best to see the picture on the tv... hear what was going on.  Shock does something to one... it numbs one's hearing... their sight... you can't feel anything.  I know shock well.

Slowly, it began to sink in... the twin towers were being hit by planes!  I watched, my very soul was screaming in pain for the people who were running, screaming, crying.  Their cries, their shock ... I felt it through my shock... my grief-stricken state.

Soon, I was crying for what was happening... though I couldn't understand all at that moment.  I just knew it was BAD... and so, bad that it came through my grief to affect me.

We had to leave, be some place in a short while.  Skip, Tommy, and I went outside to get in the Expedition. I wanted to lay down... I felt weak.  The weight of grief is heavier than any weight anyone has ever had to carry... I know.  I've never know a heavier weight to bear.

I laid my head back against the headrest.  I couldn't bear to keep my eyes open.  They burned, physically hurt.  They hurt being closed.  They hurt worse... being open.

We drove to Wake Forest, NC... to Bright Funeral Home.  There, we picked up my mama's ashes.  We picked up my mama's ashes on the morning of ... 9-11.  My mama died on 9-09.  She died four days after the first birthday of her first great-grandchild.  She had only met her great-granddaughter... once.

I won't go into her death... it seems like I could do it after all this time.  It's not easy tonight for some reason. So, I won't.  I can't bear to think... now.  I would have to travel too far 'inside' ... I don't have time tonight... it's hard to come back.  For some reason, I feel I don't have that strength it takes... not tonight.

Tommy and I stood there... looking down at my beautiful mother. She looked to be in her late thirties... so pretty, her hair freshly washed.  An expression of pure peace lay over her face... it was soft, beautiful on her. It was invisible... I could see through it.  My mother was only 63 years old...

I didn't see any lines anymore... oh, mama... how beautiful you are, I thought.  My tears fell on the hand I held in mine.  I placed my hand on her face, touched it gently.  I pushed her hair back, whispered to her that I loved her.  I told her I was sorry... sorry, I wasn't home when she called, left a message on our answering machine.  Screaming... screaming, begging... for me to help her.  I can't think any farther... 'why'... was she screaming as if... my mind freezes.

Oh, Mama... I cried inside... no sounds ever escaped from my soul... they were trapped deep in me.  That was my way... I never could cry ... out loud.  The pain of crying is ... too much.  I've known my share of tears... diamond tear drops.  If all the tears I've ever cried in my life were frozen into diamonds... oh my!

I stood looking at my mother.  She was swathed in a white sheet... I tried so hard not to look... but, my eyes were drawn to a ... hose that led up into the sheet.  Embalming... for a moment I thought... she's being cremated... why?

I looked up at Tommy.  Tears were falling down his face.  Tommy was like me... he hurt in silence.  If one didn't bother to look... they'd never know.

I won't go any farther tonight.  It's rare I speak of this... today is September 09, 2013... my mother died September 09, 2001.

On September 11, 2001... we went back to the funeral home to pick up her ashes.  A very sad thing happened in the parking lot that day.  I won't even go into that ... at this time.  So many painful things... tonight, I'm not strong enough to talk about them.  I thought I was.........

I thought I could tell you more... but, I just... can't.