Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Monday, November 11, 2013
I Didn't Choose To Go This Way At All...
I Never Meant To Be A Fighter... I'll Win This Battle, Too
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Chadwick, our precious Pup...he's never been sick a day in his whole life until the month of October, 2013. He is 6 years old...
For the past two weeks, I haven't been feeling well at all. Not only that, I have felt so 'down'. So, many things going on in our life.... when I tell you, I think you'll see...
I don't wallow in self-pity, and cry 'woe is me!' I'm a fighter... I'm a winner... I've had to be ... to be living, 'now'.
It's been one of those times that I've had to face something completely new in my life... turn down another path that I've never traveled before. So, foreign... alien to 'me'. Who would have thought... just who would have thought?
I've been devastated... but, not so much that it kept me 'on the ground' long. In a short time, I 'picked my ass up, dusted my pants off'. Now... I'm facing it ... head-on. I don't have to tell you ... who's going to win. But, I will... it's going to be 'me'. :))) I'm going to win.
It's another thing to experience in my life... I've never known many people to experience quite as many things in their life. Usually... one or two things is what is in any one's lifetime. Mine... I can't even begin naming them off... unless I sit, take time to do so.
Even at this moment, when I let myself think about my 'newest' crisis... tears come to my eyes. Don't worry, my childhood prepared me for all this... believe me... I've been tested.
I'm most strong... I've been through more than anyone knows... or could even guess. If I cry... it doesn't mean I'm weak... it means something is causing me... great pain. Or... I am very angry...
You see... the worst has happened. Only one thing could happen now, that would equal 'the worst' in my life. I pray that doesn't happen. The worst being is... Tommy died. My only child ... died.
So, whatever happens to me... it no where compares with the death of my child. It changed me, forever.
My doctor called me, herself... to tell me that I am diabetic. 'Me'... diabetic! It still feels alien, foreign to me. I 'knew deep down inside'... I wasn't well.
For some time now, I've been laying down during the day time... I just haven't felt well at all. I could see 'something I couldn't identify' in my face, my eyes. 'Now'... I know.
I have a beautiful doctor... in spirit as well as in person. I think God led me to her, and Skip to his doctor. The right time, the right place sort of thing. We both feel very fortunate to have both. She was so kind when she talked to me about this. She 'knew' that I would handle this... she knew I was a positive person.
Truthfully, for a day or two... I wasn't positive at all. Inside... my mind raged, ranted, screamed... to know that I 'have another battle'. I began crying about Tommy... I almost lost it.
If I'd been a wrestler... I'd whipped everyone's ass, and have thrown them out of the ring! The anger... was so great! For a brief moment... I felt like giving up... that didn't last long!
I didn't feel sorry for myself at all. I just got 'pissed off'! I don't mind telling you. Like I said... I'm glad I wasn't a wrestler... someone would have had 'a bad day'... :)))
Sometimes, I get damn tired of having to go into battle after battle. I'm a very weary soul... it doesn't mean I'm weak, though. I just get so tired of 'fighting to live'... but, fight I will. :)))
I was just 'damn' mad 'as hell'. I still feel 'mad'... I don't have 'an ass to kick'... this is another 'invisible thing' that I can't see. If I could, I promise you... I would get a head-start, and I'd run like hell, and bust it 'wide open'.
For a couple of days I wasn't positive at all... yet, deep inside... I 'knew' I still was. I was like a pot water on the stove... I 'boiled over'... until I could be ... calm.
The truth is the truth... I won't sugar-coat this at all... either. How could it possibly help anyone if I made it all 'sound good'?
Well, it isn't good... it isn't good at all. I can make it be okay, though. I can deal with it, take it in stride... I still don't 'feel like it's a part of me'... and if I can help it... I can forget I have it. I can take the medicine, eat half-way right... and go on living. I won't dwell on it, and... I'll do my part to 'help myself'.
Another thing is... I know many people have this medical condition today. I'm not the only one to be told this. But... I have been told this... and it's my life that is affected. I have another battle to win. Just know that 'I know I'm not the only one'... I am the only one to tell 'my story'...
I will... win this battle, too. You can bet your ass on it! Yes, I am saying these words. These are my 'mad words'... they are 'a part of me' when 'I feel angry'... and, 'I will say them'.
We are going through tough times... we are worried about our Pups, Camie and... Chadwick.
You all know about Precious Camie (Camo). She's the little puppy I rescued from death... she isn't well yet... and I worry because she has another medical condition to get well from... also, a very serious one (Erlichia canis). She can't take medicines for both conditions at the same time... it is too much for her.
The medical condition she has now (demodectic mange)... she's taking antibiotics once again for it. It's been 4 months... she still isn't well... so, it is concerning. I'm afraid for her.
Chadwick, our 'blonde/yellow' Pup began having seizures in October (this year, 2013). I began putting a new flea drops product from the vet....on him.
I'm not saying the drops are responsible... they are just the only 'new' thing in his life, that's 'different'. He's never been sick in his whole life. We have had him since he was a tiny puppy.
He had 5 seizures in October... and yesterday, he had 2 more seizures. I put the drops on him on November 6th (the first time the drops were put on was October 6, 2013). I am afraid for him. He needs lab work... we can't afford that.
If it wasn't for many people donating to help Camie get her medical care... we couldn't have done it alone. I'm forever grateful to everyone.
I will go to an organization to help get donations to help Chadwick, also. They will take a percentage of each donation for helping with them. Chadwick is a beautiful Pup, and I love him with my heart... and I will do it.
We love all three of our Pups, and we will ask for help for them... I never knew I could do that. I've learned when you love ... you'll do everything you can to 'save the other'.
If anyone wants to help with either Camie's ... or Chadwick's medical care... I will put the information here. You can call the vet, donate directly to Dr. Fontenot... tell them who it's for.
Dr. David Fontenot
115 N Church St, Louisburg, NC 27549
You will know exactly where your money goes... it's not like donating 'blindly', to never know. I update/post photos on Camie, and Chadwick, Kissy on her Facebook page daily (at night-time).
You can visit, stay in touch with me there to know what goes on in hers, and Chadwick, Kissy's life. Come be Camie's Facebook Friend... at: https://www.facebook.com/camocameobates
You can also, come to: http://www.facebook.com/grannygee. That is my Facebook link. Come be my Friend there, too.
Without going into more things... there's a lot been going on in my life, lately... I will mention this. People have commented, emailed that they were concerned... this is 'why'. I had 'to be alone with myself for a time'... before I decided when I wanted to talk about it. Strange... I can't put 'being diabetic' ... with 'me'...
I felt I needed to tell you... you all have followed me so long... and have cared 'when the worst happened to me... when Tommy died'. Believe me... what I've written about myself isn't anywhere as bad. About our Pups... it is most upsetting... they are part of my very world. Skip and the Pups are my whole world... they are all I have.
I would like to let you all know, also... that when I am writing stories, poems... sometimes, what comes out may once in a while sound 'dark'... to do with dying. It's only writing... it's like when I go to draw or paint a picture.... I begin drawing, painting one thing.... by the time I'm finished..... it's altogether different.
Writing is the same way... it isn't always the same thing... especially with me. You all know... I don't write constantly about 'any one thing'... you never know 'what's on my mind'.
I think about living, dying... and when the writing mood strikes... 'off I go'. :)))))))))) So, if I write something 'dark like death'... it doesn't mean anything 'bad'... they are thoughts that I think, and I 'voice' them. A lot of times when I write... I am 'wondering what, and what if?' My writings are my colors, my feelings, my life stories.
I promise you... if I knew I was going to die... I would meet it head-on, and write about it... so, you would know what goes on in my mind first-hand. Just like this 'diabetic-thing'... if things happen, I'll tell you how it feels, how it affects 'me'. I can't tell you about anyone else... only myself, since I'm the one... who knows best. :)))
I am looking at this new medical crisis in my life in a good way... it could be a blessing in diguise... I won't know until I'm down the path a little farther. Sometimes, 'bad things' bring about 'good things'.....
I never knew I'd be groomed as a little girl... to grow up to be a fighter. As much as I love peace, quiet, privacy, soft-happy things in life... I never meant to grow up as a fighter. I never meant to be a fighter.
I have just begun another new path in life... I didn't choose to go this way at all.