Thursday, February 20, 2014

Wings Beating Against The... Cage

Wings Beating Against The... Cage
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I've been sitting here thinking about death... how final it is.  It's the 'last' of everything.  A person's last breath... last time saying a word... last time seeing, hearing.

Yes... I've been thinking of Tommy.  I've been thinking of my mother... Daisy Earlene.  In fact, I've been thinking about so many members of my closest family... that are gone.

My son, Tommy
My mother, Earlene
My brother, Ricky
My step-father, Elvis
My Grandma Alma
My step-grandfather, George
My Grandmother Lola
My father, Robert
My step-mother, Mary
My aunt, Frankie
My aunt, Ruby
My aunt, Marie
My aunt, Jeanette
My aunt, Patsy
My cousin, Ray
My cousin, Sylvia
My cousin, Jimmy
My cousin, Edward

The list goes on.... my head has begun to ache.  These are the very people who played the biggest roles in my life.  No, no one was perfect... what was important... they were the foundation of my life.  Oh, I'm the least imperfect person of all....

The shaky foundation of my life...  it was all I had.  I loved everyone of these people at one time or other... with my very heart.  They were my family... my closest family.  Now, they are gone.

Most of the family I have left... are gone, too... in a different way.  I can never know them, or be close to them.  Too many years parted our ways... broke connections that can't ever be fused together again.  Isn't it sad?  I, no longer dwell on it anymore.

When I lost Tommy, my only child...  I 'lost' my two grandchildren... I no longer grieve over family that can never be.  The worst has happened to me... my own child died.  I am grandmother in name only. There isn't another family member to die... that can ever hurt me so deeply... again.

I would never begin family relationships at this time of my life.  I know instinctively... they can't ever survive.  That doesn't mean no one loves the other... it has to be done at a distance.  No one can ever be certain of the other... distrust is part of our legacy.

Yes, this is one of those times... where one is sitting, thinking about many things.  I don't cry often, now.  There's something deeper than crying now... that I feel from my very soul.  Grief doesn't always mean crying...

I do cry at times... so, I still have tears left.  At this moment, I can't cry... all I can do is think.  Thinking about these things make my head ache... my stomach feel a panicky sensation.

Remember what I told you.... when describing grief sometimes... it's pain, and panic mixed together.  It hurts so bad, and one is scared to think too deeply about 'why' they feel this way.

My way of describing the sensation is for you to imagine several birds in a cage. They want to fly free.... soar high up in the air... they have become afraid of being trapped in the cage.

The birds realize they can't get out... they begin flying into the bars... their wings beating against the cage.  That's what I feel inside... at this moment.  Wings... beating against the cage.

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1 comment:

  1. I think we all have those days that we think. It isn't always good thoughts. Some days we think about all our loved ones that are gone. Life is like a circle that is repeated over and over. It is a process we go through. I know most of your loved ones are gone but I am always here for you. Just remember that. We are like sisters that I never had and I love you Gloria! Love, Ms. Nancy