Saturday, March 29, 2014

Cleaned The Dirty Clean...

Cleaned The Dirty Clean...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Scrub, scrub, scrub. The little hand took the butter knife, stuck it in the corner to pry matter that had accumulated there... out. It must have been there for a million years... it didn't let go easily.

The little hand pushed, pried...put the knife underneath the black, hard dirt. She began stabbing the knife at it... the 'damn' mess was going to come out.

'Damn'! The little girl thought that word often. She'd learn it prior to coming here... to Hell; being thrown into Hell. In fact, she'd learn this one word while visiting... here... in Hell.

She was trapped in Hell, now. Only... she didn't know she was trapped... she didn't know it... yet. She was just a little girl... her eyes hadn't even begun to open ...

She didn't know a lot of things... yet. She did know she said the word 'damn' more often... out of fear, pain. She was in a scary world like she'd never known. She didn't know it, but... 'it was fixing to get worse'.

Mama had tried to wash that word out of her mouth with Ivory soap... she didn't know that Faye had hidden it... so, it wouldn't be found. Now... she used that word whenever she wanted to say it.

'Damn' was her word... her mama had almost 'killed' her, choking her on the white, Ivory soap bubbles. Her throat had burned from the stinging, soapy water as some went down her throat. Coughing, gagging, crying as she struggled to get away. Her mama had held her until she thought, she'd 'cleaned the dirty' out of her mouth.

Grandma Alma was wishing the kitchen floor was clean. The floor had white tiles. Faye didn't say anything as she listened to Grandma Alma... she walked to the kitchen door, looked down.

Grandma Alma couldn't clean the kitchen floor. But... she used to keep her floors clean. She was saying so, in the background as Faye stood there. Grandma Alma had tears in her eyes... that's what reached out, touched Faye.

Tears... tears that meant pain from something. Grandma Alma couldn't walk anymore... she was paralyzed. Faye didn't understand exactly, wasn't old enough to understand how horrible it was to have a stroke, wake up from a coma, paralyzed.

The one thing Faye was learning in her young life was... tears meant something was wrong. Pain. When she cried... it was the end of the world, until it was alright again.

She decided she would try to clean Grandma Alma's kitchen floor. She was just a little girl... she'd seen how it was done... Faye was the sort of little girl who watched, learned... then, she'd do the best she could.

Sometimes, it wasn't the best... but, it didn't seem to be the worst, either. She always learned the hard way... doing it wrong until it was right. Learning the hard way was bad... she kept on ...until she learned right.

Sometimes, when she heard someone wish something... if at all in her little girl power... she'd try to do without saying anything... then, call someone to look, so... they'd be surprised; happy.

Truthfully, sometimes, the surprise would be on her... someone wouldn't care at all... it made no difference. What she went to such trouble to do, just wasn't appreciated at all. She'd just hold her little head down in disappointment, go her way. No one would know how hard she'd tried... to please... them.

Finally, the mess loosened, let go. The little hand took an old rag, wiped it away. She got up, went to the trash can, shook the hardened, black material in. She'd heard her mama say, 'if you are going to clean something, then... clean it good'.

She had a bucket full of very warm water, sudsy water. The scent from the water was... CLEAN. Lots of stuff was in the water to make it smell good... a lot... was needed.

The little girl had been taught to mix Clorox, Pine Sol and whatever else was needed... into the cleaning water. Never mind one should never do that. This little girl didn't know the difference. She just remembered... watching. She did the best she knew how.

One thing this little girl, and her first cousins who were around the same age, knew how to do... was to try to clean the dirty clean.

They were taught, made to do it. Each would grow up to be a good housekeeper... dirty things would drive each... crazy, until it was scrubbed clean... until the dirty was clean.

In Hell, things were very dirty... as each person came through there, it was up to them to... clean the dirty... if anyone ever did. It looked like no one... ever did. Maybe because many were small children who had no concept of how to clean the dirty.

She stopped for a moment, began looking around, while she sat cross-legged on the old, white, tile floor. The tile felt cool to the backs of her legs. She wore a dress... she always wore dresses.

The only difference was... now... her dresses were worn, not the cleanest, old. Her clothes was washed by ... a blind man. George.

He was the only grandfather she ever knew... she loved him. He was loud; as loud as his voice was, his hand was just as gentle to a little child. She loved George. She loved George, and Grandma Alma. She didn't know they didn't have anything; were poor; lived in Hell. Everything in her young mind... 'just was'.

George cleaned all the time. He washed dishes. George cooked, made biscuits, baked. He made coffee in the percolator. George used an old wringer-type washing machine to wash clothes... run the clothes through the wringer, piece by piece. He'd rinse them the same way; gather them up in a basket, go to the clothesline outside, hang them up. He would put clothes pins in his mouth as he used one by one.

She would watch him, wonder how he did that. Could he really see, and just not tell anyone he could see. She swore he could see everything... he knew everything. He never knew it... sometimes, when she was held by him on his lap... she'd put her little hand up to his face. He never saw it... he never blinked.

Her little hands scrubbed the corner clean... it wasn't perfect, but... at least... she'd cleaned the dirty clean.



Friday, March 28, 2014

Wispy Smoke In The Air... (Did Tommy Try To Come Back?)


I walked out to the back porch to sit at the glass table. I was talking to Skip on the phone while I sat there and enjoyed feeling the breeze, seeing the sunshine. I love to sit on the porch with the canvas shades with bows on them... I like to see the bows move gently as the breeze blows them. I love 'looking out' seeing the big, fluffy white clouds.

It was so pleasant sitting there talking to Skip when... I sat up a little straighter in my chair. I was studying the air in front of me.... I saw in 'one spot' a long, wispy 'smoke'. I couldn't understand 'why' it was only in that one spot. I began looking around trying to see the source it was coming from. I've been afraid of anything that looks like smoke since we lost everything in a house fire.

I was beginning to go on high alert... to find that 'smoke'. Strangely... it 'wasn't coming from anywhere'... it stayed in that 'one spot'! I began describing it to Skip, telling him that on 'each side of that 'smoke', at the top and bottom of it'.......... there wasn't anymore of it coming from any direction... not at all!

I've seen many strange things in my life... so, I'm accepting of things happening that have... no explanation. I instantly thought of Tommy....

The last time I'd ever seen that 'wispy smoke' was when my Aunt Frankie sent me a big, brown envelope with some of my Grandma Alma's flowers (from her funeral) in it. When I opened it... a 'wispy smoke' flowed 'up' from it in the air. I looked around to see if my cousin, Jimmy.... (who'd come to visit me) was smoking a cigarette... he wasn't!

Wispy smoke in the air 'trying to take shape'. It wasn't like the 'smoke' that filled our bedroom where my mother's ashes sat on the mantelpiece over the fireplace. That room looked like a 'smoke-filled room'. This 'wispy smoke' might measure approximately 3 feet in length.... it appeared to be 'slanted' in the air... sort of like how smoke comes from a cigarette, but, a little 'thicker'.

As I was describing it to Skip ... the wispy smoke 'seemed for a moment to move around quickly'.... my mind wondered... is it going to take shape.... and I'll see Tommy?

I know such things are possible. It didn't take shape to be Tommy, it stayed in the air for several minutes until... it disappeared in front of my eyes.

I sat there... looking, waiting to see if it'd reappear... it didn't. I sat there... disappointed. I just felt...........felt.......... sad.
A second thing happened just several days later... to make me feel strange. My next story will be about that.... 'A SECOND THING HAPPENED TO MAKE ME FEEL STRANGE'...... (THAT WAS SO 'TOMMY'!).

Wispy smoke in the air... coming from 'nowhere but, right there in the air in front of me'.... was it Tommy trying to come back to see me?

For Now... I Can't Look Anymore

For Now... I Can't Look Anymore
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee


I sit here, reeling from shock... surprise

My mind couldn't comprehend what I held in my hands

I feel as if someone punched me in my stomach

I looked down at the official certificate I held up to see

Lacy green design framed the words

I don't remember seeing it, but... I must have

I looked at the pages that were folded with it

Sheets of papers with more words... stapled together

I felt faint, weak as I sat down at my desk

I don't remember seeing this, my mind screamed

My stomach hurt ... a lot

I felt as if I would... I would... my mind went numb

Skip! Skip, look at this! I don't remember seeing this

But, I must have... see, on the envelope I placed tape

To protect the name, information I had written neatly there

How could I have done this... not remember it?

My head throbs as I read... try to think clearly

I look up to see worry in Skip's eyes

I smiled at him, told him I would put this back up

I'll come back to read another time... just read a little at a time

I walk back to where I found it... put it back in the envelope

I make myself not think... I need to get over this sick feeling

I don't want to upset Skip... he worries for me

He asks me was I going to be alright... yes, I told him

Tommy's ... Death Certificate; the autopsy results folded with it

I sit here, sigh... how could I have forgotten I had this put up?

I will forget once again until I remember it the next time... for now, I can't look anymore

A Memory Drifted By In My Mind...

A Memory Drifted By In My Mind...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee


I sit here in my world that's been sad

Feeling happy, light-hearted deep in my soul

Thoughts, memories stirring in me of

My lover, my best friend ... my hero

I am sitting here looking inside my mind

I can't see you, because you aren't there

I see my thoughts, I hear them.. too

I can't feel them with my hands, I can with my heart

I see a memory coming closer

It's of me standing on tiptoes to place a kiss

On your sweet lips, I kiss your nose, too

I love you my... husband, with my very heart

The memory floated away in my mind

Just as another memory drifted in

There you are smiling at me, love in your eyes

Do you know how dear you are to me?

I feel a softness in my face, in my heart, when I think of you

I love you, my husband, my lover, my best friend

You are my life, my world ... my hero

As that memory floats away ... we make more memories to take its place

I love you, my husband, my lover, my best friend

You are my life, my world ... my hero

I feel a softness in my face, in my heart, when I think of you

As I think of you, see you ... a memory is taking its place at this moment


I was thinking of Skip as I wrote this ... I read it to him ... I said to him, "I wrote this thinking of you." Skip said, "I can tell, it's self-explanatory." :)))

I just smiled, nodded... sometimes, even after twenty-plus years, a shyness can pop up out of nowhere ... sweet, special ... you know what I'm speaking of ... remember experiencing it when first meeting the love of your life?

I still feel that soft, so sweet shyness with my husband sometimes. When I do ... it rates stopping for a moment to take a closer look ... I only smile more ... when I do.

I love you, Skip ... I love you to my dying day. If I died at this moment, I will have known, loved the best husband, best friend ... in this whole-wide ... world. Love Your Wife, Gloria :)))

My Coffee Mug Stays Hot 'Forever'...

My Coffee Mug Stays Hot 'Forever'...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Everyone loves a hot cup of coffee. I know I do. I don't drink a lot of coffee, but... when I do, I want a very hot cup of coffee.

I want to be able to place my hands on a cup of coffee... feel the warmth as I drink it... especially on a cold, winter day.

Coffee is comforting to me. Warm, cozy... happy. Imagine snow falling outside... the air is so cold... you are excited because it's snowing. When you look around... you see a winter wonderland.

When you go inside... you sit down to enjoy a hot cup of coffee. You place your hands on either side of the coffee mug... close your eyes. Oh my... how nice the warmth feels on the palms of your hands!

With your eyes still closed... place both palms of your hands on your face on each check... feel the comforting warmth. This is what I love to do!

Smell the aroma... it's so beautiful. There's something about coffee that no matter when you drink it... it's a special time.

When something bad happens... what do people turn to while waiting, hoping to hear good news? Coffee... good, old hot coffee.

Now... I want to tell you how I do a pot of coffee to make it that hot, comforting...

I let the coffeemaker make the coffee like usual, then ... I take the carafe of coffee... pour it into an aluminum coffeepot... put it on the range... and let it heat until it's a few degrees hotter.

Oh my, the coffee mug stays hot 'forever'... so, does my coffee!

Fly, Dragonfly... Fly

Fly, Dragonfly... Fly
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee

I stood there watching the little girl

as she smiled brightly, skipped along her way

I saw her tilt her pretty little head of curls

to look down at a dragonfly that sat perched on a flower

Fly little dragonfly, fly

I heard her little girl voice say

I want to fly with you but, I can only skip and jump

I can't go up in the air like you can

Her face glowed with happiness as it soared off into the air

her eyes twinkled with sunshine lights as she watched

She began to wave her little arms, for a moment I thought she would fly

up into the sky with that little dragonfly

No, she didn't fly, but... if she could have

this little girl would have soared with her very heart

With that dragonfly to wherever it went

saying ... fly, dragonfly... fly!

Orbs Around The Satellite Dish...

Orbs Around The Satellite Dish...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

One evening I sat at my computer, it was dark underneath the canopy of trees. I looked up on the mantle where the monitor sat.... to watch it switch views. I noticed something strange on one of the cameras. In fact, it made me feel scared.

I stood up, reached to press the button to stop one of the camera views to watch something I'd never seen before in my life. I was afraid especially when I went outside on the deck to peer out toward the satellite dish for Directv.

I stood still as I kept trying to 'see' what I was seeing on the monitor... there was nothing there! I ran back inside to the monitor and stood there in shock... there they were!

On the screen I could see the satellite dish very plain (we had a good surveillance system)... as I watched, I saw many orbs of all sizes ... rotating around the satellite dish!

I couldn't believe my eyes! I was feeling afraid, I couldn't understand why I couldn't see anything with my naked eye when I'd step outside on the deck to look!

I was by myself that night as back then... Skip was driving a big truck. I became very nervous. I went outside on the deck numerous times hoping to see 'what I was seeing' on the screen of that monitor. I never did see anything.

I wonder, dear readers.... what in the world was I seeing? What do you think I saw? Tonight as I sit here to write, this is what my mind went back to. I wonder if anyone has had a similiar experience? I hope to hear from you on this subject.

I will admit ... I was afraid and guess what I had to do? I had to turn off that particular camera until time for me to go to bed... I couldn't watch it anymore. Also... I never saw that ever again on the cameras after that night. When Skip was home ... I wasn't afraid to watch the satellite dish.... I wanted to show him what I witnessed. I never got to.

Orbs around the satellite dish... I wonder what I witnessed? I wonder who else has seen orbs around their satellite dish?


Note From This Author:

This happened several years ago before Tommy died. I've often thought back to this happening that night. It was so strange... I could watch the orbs float and play around the Directv dish... and there were big, little ones! Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Easiest Fudge Ever ... Using Only Two Ingredients! (I've made it twice... you wouldn't believe... so good!)

Easiest Fudge Ever... With Only Two Ingredients!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee


1... Vanilla Frosting (1 cup)

2... Peanut Butter (1 cup)

Put equal amounts of vanilla frosting... and peanut butter in a bowl. DO NOT STIR.

Put in microwave... for several minutes. Take out, STIR.

Pour onto aluminum foil (that you've put on pan)... spread evenly.

Put in refrigerator. It will 'harden'... and you have the best tasting fudge... the most simplest fudge, ever!

You can put pecans, or whatever in it when you are stirring.............


Note by this Author: I made this... I couldn't believe I had made real fudge with only two ingredients! It had the most wonderful taste... real fudge!

I saw this on WRAL 5... One can decide what they want to add to make it their recipe.

I thought this was wonderful to be able to make fudge quickly... we usually have these two ingredients sitting on the shelf. You know how it is when you wish for something sweet... and don't want to go to the trouble of making it. Well... this isn't any trouble at all! :)))

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

How Does It Feel To Be A Murderer?

How Does It Feel To Be A Murderer?
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

How does it feel to be a murderer
Do you not feel shame, guilt for what you've done
When you committed the act, did you do it in hate

Did you do it in anger... revenge to get even
To get even in a final way so, as never to deal with it again
How does it feel to see the body of your enemy lie on the floor

Each day, I watch your face on the news
Your expression is one of defiance, no remorse
No shame... no pain from snuffing out a life

How can you do that?  How can you not be in tears
For killing someone's child, someone's husband, wife
Now, you disappoint... shame your own parents, spouse

Did it feel good to plunge the knife in deep for the last time
To shoot a bullet into someone's chest
To watch, listen to the last breath coming from their body

Did your heart not feel anything... did it not care at all
I believe when you deliberately murder someone
It should be an eye for an eye... a tooth for a tooth

You should get all you dish out to another person
Don't dish it out if you can't take it
Murder only... if you want to be murdered back


Note from this Author:

Whether anyone agrees with me... this is what I wonder each morning when I watch the news.  I see new faces from the night before.... who have committed the horrible act of murder.
Their faces always have the same expression... one of not caring, chin up in the air... defiance, no sadness in their eyes.  I look closely at each face... and wonder these things.
How can someone commit such a horrible act... and their faces not reflect such remorse... eyes have tears?  How can they just stare out with no feelings in their face.  Could you?  I couldn't do something so bad to another human being... without my face reflecting it.
I wonder if they keep hearing cries, voices begging them not to hurt... kill them.  I wonder if the cries, voices haunt them until they, themselves... die?  I hope so... I hope it drives them crazy.
This is how I see murder... murderers on the news each morning.  Every night, when it's dark... someone murders other people here, now.  It didn't use to be that way... now, it's a way of life.... here.  It saddens me... a lot.  Our world keeps changing... more people, more murders.
I'm wondering if a lot of these people were born without a heart... feelings to care?

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Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Let's Do This Thing....

Let's Do This Thing...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I smile when I cry for you
Smile to let you know it's alright
You don't have to feel bad

Don't have to feel bad that you hurt me
We have to do what we have to do
I want to live... I don't have time to waste

Give me that injection, no... don't you cry
Because it hurts me, I have to bear it
Bear it because... I have no choice

Tears roll down your cheeks touching my heart
Because you care that you hurt me
Tears roll down my cheeks because I care that you... hurt

So, I smile so, you can see I'm going to be alright
No matter the pain... it's not your fault
Doing a blood gas is going to hurt no matter what

Don't you cry now... what did you say?
You cry because ... I'm so brave?
Oh no... I'm not so brave... I just know I have to do this

Do this if I want to live... I can't waste any time
So, come on ... let's do this thing
We'll cry, hurt together... let's do this thing

Note by Author:

I was thinking back to the time the lady who was giving me a blood gas when I was getting ready for surgery... my heart hurt for her.  This was a few years ago... I am fine, now.  :))))) Gloria
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My Bag Of Memories...

My Bag Of Memories...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Tommy at one year old... this photo survived a house-fire.  I'm fortunate to have any photos... please forgive the damage to it.  My precious son.......

I look into my bag of memories I took with me
When I delved deep into my mind
Old memories, not new ones of today

I take the first memory out of my bag
Lay it on the table... it looks like a tablet
I press the button on the side to make it play

I see a young mother who has just given labor
To a little 8 lb. 4 1/2 oz baby boy
She cradled him in her arms, looked down at him

Looked down in amazement at what she'd brought into the world
She was  a mother now, she had a child
Her very own son she could call her own

Her body shook as she held her baby tight
She had a cold, and coughed a lot
She turned her head each time she coughed

The night before her baby boy was born, there was an earthquake
She was in such pain, she didn't know the difference
Though she imagined her bed moved around

The earthquake announced the coming birth of her baby
There was a full moon that night, also
The next morning her child was born at 11:28

The young mother was myself, I had my only child
A little strawberry, blonde-headed boy
Named Tommy... he had beautiful blue eyes

I pressed the button to turn this memory off
I put it back into the bag, chose another one
Pressed the button on the side to turn it on

A little blonde-headed boy was standing in the sunshine
With a baffled expression on his face, holding his hand on his head
What was that, I heard his sweet little boy voice say

I saw purple on his head... I began to laugh until I sat on the ground
A bird had flown over Tommy... it deposited something on his head
Oooooh!  Oh-oooo mama, get it off... get it off, he said

I pressed the button on the side to turn it off
Put the tablet back into the bag, chose another memory
Pressed the button to turn it on

A young girl sat in the middle of the floor
She couldn't see for her tears, she was doing something with her hands
She was cutting photos up with a pair of scissors

I pressed the button on the side, I couldn't bear to watch
This was a painful memory... I don't want to remember
Let it go... let it go... I put it in the bag, chose another

A little blonde-headed boy stood smiling at me
I love you, mama... with my heart
I love you, son... with my heart I told him

Seems like the sun was shining all around him
His smile had a way of making it seem that way
I find myself smiling now... thinking of that

I press the button on the side to turn it off
I put the tablet memory into the bag
I don't want to remember anymore right now

I close my eyes, imagine walking down the hall in my mind
The hall with rooms, closed doors to store my memories
I open one... put my bag of memories on the shelf for another day
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In My Memories, My Words...

In My Memories, My Words...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

If it seems I live in the past ... I don't
I go back to visit to find things to write about
Sometimes, I have to sit a while... to feel those things
That have happened to me... to remember

Don't feel bad for me... don't feel sad
Because, I am here now... I made it through
Like a ship in a storm... I survived
I'm here, you can see, hear me... I'm alright

I write about the death of my only child
My only child, my son ... Tommy
Why do I do that?  I can't just pretend he was never here
He was a real person just like you... just like me

I know, I knew him... he was my baby, my little boy
Who grew to be a man... I talked to him, I cried for him
When things hurt, upset him... I was there for him
I miss him, don't you see?  I want to talk about him

When I speak of my son, I don't do it aloud
I write about him here... you choose to read or... not read
There's no excuse to say I wish you wouldn't write about him
I wish you wouldn't cry, I wish you'd forget him

Why?  Because you can go on your way, enjoy your children
I can only find my child now... in my memory, my words
This is all I have now... excepting a little chest with a few of his things
I don't even have the liberty of knowing his two children

You can read, feel my pain... only if you choose to do so
Just remember... everything's alright with me
I'm just trying to feel my son through my words
Why?  To comfort my soul, soothe my heart's pain

Where else can I find Tommy, I ask you
Only in my memories, my mind
You can't hear, see him like I can
I don't talk about him... I can only write... I can only find my child now, in my memory, my words
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Monday, March 17, 2014

To Lay In Darkness... Dying

To Lay In Darkness ... Dying
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

The darkness... the thoughts... hearing one's self cough
So cold... I can't see; I seem to have my eyes closed all the time
My skin itches... I try to scratch it gently... I don't know if I do

So cold... can't seem to get warm... tons of blankets lay over me
100 degree weather... I am so... cold as I lay in darkness
Coughing, whispering... I'm not sure I'm talking... who cares

Have you eaten today... yes, I have.. I answer each time
How do I know... I can't even think... I answer 'yes'
I don't want to cause worry... I'm not suffering, I'm alright

Dying... I'm not aware that I lay dying, I don't remember
Why I lay here in darkness, my body cold, itching
I think I scratch my skin... I'm not sure

I don't feel any pain, hunger... I don't feel anything
All I have left is... my hearing
Even my thoughts aren't thoughts anymore; they just ... are

My mama comes to tuck me in... just as she did when I was a child
Pulled the blankets up around my ears to keep them warm
I close my eyes, I think they're already closed... feel her love

Mama, don't leave me here alone in the darkness
No, I am not afraid now, to die... you bring me comfort
Just as you did when I was a child... when you tucked me in

I can only hear... I'm not aware that it's called 'hearing', now
I'm not aware of anything... but, I hear
I know it's Skip's voice asking me if I ate while he was at work

I automatically answer 'yes'... I hear... relief in his voice
I can't see his face, but... I know... he is standing close by
I hear his footsteps walk away

For a brief moment... or is it more than a moment... I don't know
I am aware of being on my feet... I am walking while holding
Onto things while I go my way

I found out months later that I did a lot of things while in
The darkness... though I couldn't see ... didn't remember
Did that come from living with a blind man as a tiny child

Was I blind... I may as well have been... all I saw was... darkness
God, how cold it is when in the darkness... I couldn't get warm
Doctors... riding... Skip holding me so, I could walk... darkness

I couldn't see the colors of my world... I forgot they were there
Darkness hid them... the only color I could see... was black
I don't remember looking for my colors... I didn't look for anything

Dying... I was always afraid to die... somehow, Death came for me
I didn't recognize it... so, I didn't know to be afraid
Maybe... because I didn't feel pain... I didn't know to be afraid

Awareness for a moment... I was holding the phone, I tried to talk
I was very weak... floating in my dark, dark world
I couldn't speak above a whisper... the voice on the phone was concerned

I was asleep in darkness... when I woke, I was in darkness
I still held the phone... I whispered, heard a voice
Darkness took me again... I don't know what happened to the phone

Sitting in a wheelchair... I became aware it was time for surgery
I looked up at Skip... I could see his face... his beautiful face
I'm so glad to be here... I can't make it another day


Note by this Author:

I lay dying... all I knew was darkness... briefly becoming aware of all around me... then, darkness.  I would imagine my mother being there to comfort me by tucking the blankets around my ears to keep them warm.

From the month of May to July... each day I became very ill until I almost died.  Skip worked in management at a company in Raleigh, every day... and would take off to take me to specialists to find out what was wrong with me.

I was diagnosed finally with non-Hodgkins lymphoma.  A large mass (cancerous cells) was on my right lung, resting against my heart.  It also, was cutting off my air... until when I tried to blow in the device to measure breathing... I barely lifted the little ball up with my breath.

I remember only once being afraid to die during this time.  The rest of the time, as afraid of dying as I was... I wouldn't have known to be afraid of ... death.
I was in the shower... the steam began smothering me.  I was too weak to get out of the shower by myself.  I began crying out to Skip to help me... I couldn't breathe.

When I laid in darkness, I must have only needed a little breath to keep me alive... I don't remember not being able to breathe.

I have sat here thinking of how to describe how it feels to lay dying.  I'm not sad, depressed... dying is a fact of life... we all are going to do it someday.  Truthfully, I don't want to... I'm afraid to die... unless like what I described above... I wasn't aware I was... dying.

I tried to describe fleeting moments of thought, awareness. Have you ever wondered about dying?   This is only a small description of knowing how it is to lay ... dying.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Crystal Fish In Teardrop Ocean...

Crystal Fish In Teardrop Ocean...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/Granny Gee

Photo of Tommy and Taban exactly one year before Tommy died... May 29, 2009 at a lake... On May 29, 2010... Tommy and Taban were at Myrtle Beach... where he died on the sand, by the ocean......................

I can't see where I hurt, I can't see my pain
I can point to where it feels like it hurts
I can't touch it with my hand, only feel with my heart

I can cry tears of grief... where do the tears come from
How do they know to fall when I cry?
How is it possible to have all the tears I have cried

Since the loss of my son... I've cried an ocean of tears
If I named my ocean of tears, what would I name it?
I would name it... Teardrop Ocean

What would be the directions to find it
You would follow the path of tears down my cheeks
Down to the floor of water... around my feet

I stand in the Teardrop Ocean, listening to the sea gulls
Like the sea gulls that Tommy heard as he died
I listen to the waves of my tears, just as he heard them

Just as he heard them as his soul soared into the air
I can see it in my mind as his spirit flew with the angels
Who gently laid him on the sand when he took his last breath

Today is Tommy's son's birthday... he is seven years old
He was three years old when his daddy died while playing with him
At the ocean for the first, last time... his daddy left him on the beach

Daddy, won't you get up and play with me, he cried
His little hands pulling at his daddy to help him get up
Come on, daddy... come run, play, laugh with me

Today is Tommy's son's birthday... Tommy hurried to the hospital
The day he was born... driving his tractor into the hospital parking lot
He was very tired from lack of sleep, but... he made it just in time

One can see the pride and love in Tommy's eyes in the photos
That survived the house fire that claimed all our belongings
Thankfully, most of the photos are now... my memories

Some are charred, blackened, water-damaged by the fire, hoses
That's okay... all I have of my son, grandchildren now
Are these photos that came through the flames of the fire

Sometimes, when I write ... you can know where I am
You can picture the waves of teardrops washing up around my feet
As I stand here, listening to the sea gulls... at Teardrop Ocean

I see crystal fish jumping from the waves
Diving deep into the sea... crystal fish of memories
Crystal fish in ... Teardrop Ocean

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Saturday, March 15, 2014

All Required... Is A Heart

All Required... Is A Heart
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee..... 2014    'Just A Doodle by Gloria'.............

Look at my face... what do you see
Do you see kindness looking out at you
Or, do you see the sadness in my eyes

Do you look past the kindness, sadness
To see the tears in my mind, see my grief
That's tucked deep back inside my ... soul

I don't think you do... I don't let you see my eyes
Long enough... to look deep inside of me
Too emotional... intimate to let strangers look

Look at my private thoughts, grief ... embarrassing
Embarrassing to let you see that I hurt
Hurt for the loss of my only child... my son

Grief is a strange emotion... happy one moment
Crying the next ... angry... helpless
Helpless... because what am I going to do

All things are possible... no, they aren't
I can't bring my son back... he's dead, gone forever
Move that mountain with faith

All the faith in the world can't make Tommy come back
He's not going to rise from the ashes
His ashes... sadly, Tommy's not coming back

No matter how positive I am... how much faith I have
I can't raise the dead... I have to learn acceptance
Learn acceptance... learn to live my life without my only child

Live life to the fullest... or choose to lay down, live like I'm dead
Until the day comes for me to die... which do I choose
I choose to live life to the fullest... to feel pain, cry if needed

Be sad, happy, excited... feel everything life has to offer
I loved my son... he knew it... thankfully I saw him
Saw him the evening before he died... I have his smile to remember

I have his voice to remember, saying... 'Mama, these are the best sandwiches I've ever eaten'
See his beautiful eyes smiling that sunshine smile, hear his laughter
As he took big, happy bites of the sandwiches I made for him

I know they weren't the best sandwiches he'd ever eaten
But, they were at the moment he savored them
How did he know to leave me a happy memory to make me smile

Make me smile, comfort me... in all these days after his death
How many times have I said, "Thank-God"?
I'm so fortunate to have such happy thoughts in my mind

Some people don't, you know... they are tormented by theirs
Mine comfort me.... I am so thankful
Thank-you, Tommy... thank-you my precious son

I should have died before you, my child
Preparing you, I was... to not be sad if I died before you
Who would have thought to prepare... me ... for the loss of my child

We live... we die... knowing our children will carry on
We leave them good memories, and impart the knowledge we have
For them to live the best lives they possibly can

How many of you... ever prepared yourself for your child to die
It's not the way it's supposed to be
We don't die before our children do... how can 'we' be carried on

The death of a child causes a link in the chain to be broken
One that can never be repaired... always be weakened
To their children, if the mothers are selfish, uncaring

Uncaring until... the day comes, their children show them the same
The same love, compassion shown to the grandparents of their parent who died
Do you believe in an eye for an eye... tooth for a tooth?

If you dish it out... should you be able to take it back
Take it back... feel what it feels like... feel the pain
You know... 'don't dish it out... if you can't take it'...

I don't really wish that... I have too much love in my heart
To waste time wishing bad things on someone, to hate, be uncaring
I've learned to live life by almost dying myself several times

I've learned a lot about living... what's important in life
It's not about material things... and God knows I've 'had it all at one time or other in the past'
It's not keeping up with the Jones... being rich (though, being rich can be wonderful doing special things for people; making dreams come true)

No... that's not what life is about... not material things, money
You won't believe the simple things life is really about, cost nothing
Love, caring, compassion... all required... is a Heart

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Friday, March 14, 2014

Victoria Fairchild Is Getting Ready To... Kick Ass!

Victoria Fairchild Is Getting Ready To... 'Kick Ass'!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

My notebook with notes as I wrote the short introductory (Book 1) about Victoria Fairchild..........

I'm getting ready to begin working on book 2... about Victoria Fairchild.

I wrote a very short introductory book about her ... last year.  It is titled:  When She's Good... She's Good; When She's Bad... She's Very, Very Bad.

Book 2 is titled:  The Saga Of Victoria Fairchild.  It will be an ongoing 'scary' story.  You see, Victoria Fairchild, has unusual talents... she is someone you wouldn't want to mess with.

When one sees her, she is soft-spoken... poised, beautiful.  People like her... some underestimate her, thinking they can push over her.

Victoria Fairchild loves homeless people; she frequents their world often.  She loves animals.  You would never want to harm any living soul and let her know it... Victoria Fairchild believes in 'an eye for an eye... a tooth for a tooth'.

For the past several days, I've been 'getting my house in order'... organizing, cleaning.  Now... that it's in order... I will begin to write anytime now.  I can't concentrate if all isn't neat around me.

I already have 54 pages written ... so, now... at anytime I will begin to write.

So, any day now, I will begin working on my ... fourth book to be published.  Once again...Victoria Fairchild is getting ready to kick ass!

Note by Author:
This won't affect me writing here, nor on my blogs... and Facebook.

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Wednesday, March 12, 2014

I Was Happy, Relieved... Sad... All At The Same Time!

I Was Happy, Relieved... Sad... All At The Same Time!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

My only son, Tommy ... with his little son.  Tommy died May 29, 2010... I miss him with my heart.

Today, Skip called me to tell me he had something to tell me.  He didn't want it to upset me.

I was instantly alarmed... became more so, when he said, "I stopped at a rest area"......  When he said that, I was afraid.  Skip survived colon cancer... I was afraid he was going to tell me he saw more blood.

I waited for him to go on.  He began to tell me that he saw a Celadon truck... he parked beside it.  He saw the driver doing stretches outside his truck.  He began talking to the driver.

Skip told him about Tommy working there.  The driver asked him what his name was... when Skip told him.  The driver began to smile.  He told Skip that he and Tommy were friends... that Tommy was a 'helluva' guy; good guy!  He thought a lot of him.

He also, added that the ladies loved Tommy.  We knew that... they always have liked Tommy.  Not only was he handsome... he talked softly... and had a twinkle in his blue eyes... like the sunshine on a cloudy day.

He said he saw about Tommy passing away in their company paper.  He and Tommy worked on the high-risk loads... liquor and cigarettes.

While Skip was talking... saying it is a small world, and such... I was thinking about Tommy.  My eyes filled with tears, and I began smiling.  I wasn't upset... Skip is afraid to mention Tommy's name... fearing it could put me in a depressed state... darkness.

I told Skip I was glad he told me... I loved hearing something that had to do with Tommy.  It warmed my heart.  I told him that I had been afraid he was going to tell me he saw blood... because he said he was at the rest area, and he didn't want to make me upset.

I was relieved... happy, sad... all at the same time!
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Sunday, March 9, 2014

I Bet You Won't Wear Shorts To The Movie Theater Again!

I Bet You Won't Wear Shorts To The Movie Theater Again!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.... Summer of 2013.................................................................

You wear shorts to the movie theater... you have some open places on your skin ... maybe you skinned your knee; got scratched on the leg... you know, that sort of thing.  I wanted to share some things with you... that I really never thought about.

Chances are... you never thought of them... either.  I bet you'll never look at a movie theater seat the same again... after you read what I tell you... I have learned.

Oh... you'll think of your little children... and want to protect them from the dangers, also.  Who would have thought?

I'm not an expert on what I'm going to tell you.  So, if you want, you can research this online.  You could Google about 20/20, and about what's 'really on your seat' at the theater.  I saw this on 20/20 last night.  I thought about how we don't think of these things... when we really need to.

Samples were taken from numerous theater seats by swabbing them... to see what germs lurked on them.  You'd be shocked to know what they found!  I have to say I was 'glued' to the tv until I found out.  I knew it would be 'bad'....

Your seat, and armrest and other places in the theater are contaminated with germs ... before you came.

They found that bacteria commonly found in human feces, and in yeast... bacteria that was usually in cattle and soil.

Not only that... some people have... sex ... in the theater while the movie is going on.  The owner of the movie theater said he'd throw someone out texting ... and not throw people out if they were having sex.  Why?  Because when one texts... he said it was like someone holding a flashlight in someone's face.  This would disturb people more than... people having sex.

So, you know ... there could be... more 'stuff' on the seats... or on the... floor.  Not only that... you know how some people sit, pick ... their nose?  I won't say anymore... my stomach feels queasy.  Think about your little children touching the seats, armrests...

They said there weren't any laws to govern how often the theater seats have to be cleaned.  Who ever thought about these things... when you go to the movie... your mind is on the movie.

I thought this interesting... the movie theater owner said he 'piped in the popcorn smell directly from an exhaust pipe leading to the popcorn machine!  Now, you know 'why' you smell popcorn all the way to the auditorium you are sitting in!

So, when eating popcorn... don't let that hand touch anything in the theater... use the other hand if you touch 'bad' things.  Keep your eating hand for only the 'good' things to keep from getting germs in your mouth.  They recommended holding the 'good hand'... up.

I wanted to share this with my readers... because I was thinking you might have been like me... not aware of something so ... important that we all need to know.

Oh..... my friend, &katLnhat on Bubblews reminded of something I completely forgot to add here... one can catch bedbugs off the seats... off other people!

I bet you won't wear shorts to the movie theater again!

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Saturday, March 8, 2014

Finger Herpes...

Finger Herpes...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee... Summer 2013

Did you know that you can get... finger herpes?  Finger herpes from a pedicure?

Well, you can!  I have never heard of finger herpes until I watched The Doctors on tv.  I couldn't believe my ears.  Not only does it affect your fingers... it can affect your toes!

It's also, called 'herpetic whitlow'.  Herpetic whitlow/finger herpes can appear as lesions on your fingers, thumbs.  You can look it up to learn more about it.... I'm just sharing what I think about it.

I'm not an expert on it... but, you can be sure I'm aware of it now!  I won't be getting another one!

I used to go have manicures/pedicures.  The last time I went... my toe nails were sensitive.  Thankfully, I didn't get an infection.  I think I was on the verge of it... maybe because I love to keep my toes clean, happy :)))... it saved me!

Oh, also... the last time I was in the nail salon... I noticed the basins aren't cleaned properly... I saw 'skin' left on the side of one.  That's not a good thing.

I watched some of the oriental girls... I suspected they used their tools over.

I am so happy I never began getting the acryllic/fake nails.  You know how I love beautiful colors, designs... so, you can imagine how hard it was for me to resist doing that.

Getting the fake nails, pedicures/manicures... makes you flirt... with getting an infection.  Infections that can make one very sick.... for months... even die from one.  I'm afraid of getting my nails done like that... though, when I see those wonderful colors... I 'almost' reconsider my decision!

I will polish my nails, keep them clean... wear them natural.  I won't take a chance on getting ...finger herpes, or... worse!

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