I Would Have Never Known To Live...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I sit here, alone... with time on my hands. I have been thinking about many things.
I look back in my mind to when I was at Death's Door... to the evening I learned my son did, in fact... enter Death's Door. Six years in darkness... three for each time. Three seems to be my number in this life.
You see... I know darkness very well. It's like being blind... you can only see ... 'inside'. You aren't affected by what's outside your head... body. You wouldn't care... if you did. Everything is colored black. There are no colors in ... the World of Darkness.
You are on a dark path... you can't go very far. Do you know 'why'? Because... you aren't thinking about ... going anywhere. Your mind only ... exists. You don't know it... you don't know anything... if you were aware... oh my God... you couldn't cope with the pain... the knowledge.
Maybe... a thought will flit by in the darkness like a bird in the sky... but... you don't think about it. Because... in the World of Darkness ... it doesn't mean a thing. It's... nothing.
Time means... nothing. You don't think of... time. Sometimes, a little light will shine on your path of darkness... it draws your mind to it ... like a blind man who can see for a moment. It goes away... you think nothing of it.
You can hear sometimes, hear the pain in your loved one's voice, begging you to please come back to 'now'. For a moment, you try until... you remember 'why' you slipped away into the World of Darkness. Like a little rabbit who disappears back in its hole... when chased by something that scared it... you flee back... into darkness.
I vaguely remember trying to surface from the darkness I was in. My eyes had quite a time adjusting to the light surrounding me. Strange, how I lived in darkness in... the bright light. Don't you agree? Amazing...
The World of Darkness is a world where you don't feel pain... you don't feel pain... you don't hear... you have no sense of time. One day when you begin to ... come out of it ... you begin to become aware of time... oh my, what a strange feeling to find out so much 'time'... has gone by.
Three years of your life... gone. Got gone while you were in the dark world. You look in the mirror, wonder how... when... you began to ... look older. Where did your youth go?
You go into mourning once again... the death of your youth. How did it just... disappear? Couldn't it have waited for you... to come back? But... you didn't know you would ... come back....
Everytime you look in the mirror, you are looking for the familar face you once knew. You can't find it. Once in a while you might catch a glimpse of it... then, you grab a camera... try to capture 'yourself' in a photograph as proof... that 'you' once... existed.
You were 'young once'; where did you go! Chasing yourself in the mirror.... trying to catch a shadow of yourself.
You try to reach out to touch 'you'... try to ... hold onto 'you'... like reaching out for the shadow of yourself on the ground... your hands can't hold onto... anything. When you walk... you chase your shadow...
Darkness... The World of Darkness... it's unlike any world you ever known. Only people who traveled the same paths I traveled... know it; have experienced it... know.
It changes your life forever... you are never quite the same anymore. I hope you never have to live in the shadowy world of darkness. I hope you have a loved one who would never give up on you, leave you in it. I was fortunate to have Skip, my husband.
Truthfully, I would have died after my only child, my son... Tommy died... if it hadn't been for Skip. I would have never known... to live.
Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)