One Doesn't Have To Do Anything ... In Darkness

One Doesn't Have To Do Anything ... In Darkness
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Darkness ... soft darkness. Mama! Mama, please tuck the blanket around my ears like you did when I was a little girl.

Yes, I ate something. Hearing Skip's voice asking me had I eaten while he was at work. I didn't know if I had or not ... I didn't know anything... it didn't matter. Yes, was my answer.

So cold, I need more blankets. Turn the air-conditioner off. I shivered under my thick layer of blankets in ... 100 degree heat.

Itching ... in the soft darkness, I constantly itched. I'm not sure if I scratched or not. I wasn't aware ... these were symptons of ... cancer ... non-Hodgkins lymphoma.

I got up out of the darkness, to shower. Time to go to get chemotherapy. I was dressing ... having a hard time doing so. Very weak, could hardly stand. I was still ... independent ... I'd do it myself. It was my will ... to fight.

Skip walked into bedroom. His expression changed ... I'd never seen such shock on his face as I did that day. It reached me in the state I was in.

I looked at him, asked what was wrong. I knew it had to do with me. I had lost so much weight in a short time (another symptom of cancer) ... of course, I didn't know it, I was too sick. I wore loose-fitting gowns, so ... he hadn't noticed.

In just weeks, I had lost probably fifty pounds, and I was ... thin. I had wanted to lose weight 'before' ... at this time, I didn't think about it. Weight ... what is weight? It's unimportant ...

I am alone in the house ... I wanted to get up, go outside in the sunshine. Holding on to the wall, door ... managed to get to back door.

Hard to open the door, my hands are like ... rubber ... from the chemotherapy drugs. I don't consciously think of this at that time. I wanted to go outside ...

Standing on the back porch ... the sunshine blinded me. My eyes are blurred ... tears fill them. I can't see well through the medicinal fog I was in. I saw my hoe near the porch ... I loved to plant flowers.

I wanted to hold the hoe in my hands. I made my way to the edge of the porch, my hands reach out to get the hoe. Oh my ... oh! The hoe felt awful in my hands! It felt ... alien. I couldn't bear to hold the handle ... it ... hurt. I let go of it.

My hands had become weaken, so 'unused' to holding things. I couldn't hold any weight. Things felt ... rough to my very smooth hands. They weren't used to doing anything ... one doesn't have to do anything ... in darkness.

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Photo/Story Credit: are owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

All I wrote here, is true. I was trying to give you an idea of being near death ... not conscious of it ... the darkness ... awareness of things once taken for granted ... the strangeness, later (the hoe).

I shared just a few conscious moments in time when I was very sick, fighting my battle to live from cancer. My battle lasted over three years. I thought it was the worse thing I'd ever had to live through in my life ... until ... my son, Tommy, died.

I know what it's like to live in darkness ... there's nothing to do there ... but, 'be'.  By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee