Thursday, November 27, 2014

Third Time Could Be ... Fatal

Third Time Could Be ... Fatal
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 Photo/story belong to me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee ...


We were walking toward the store, watching for cars that were moving about in the parking lot. 

I began crossing over to walk into the store ... inside the white lines where pedestrians cross over at.

Skip grabbed me, pulled me back. Watch out! I looked to my right, a small, red car sped by, almost hitting me. My head turned to the left ... watching him drive too fast.

As he passed us, I looked inside the car. A young, black guy was driving ... he wouldn't look at me. I watched him drive away. I stood there, wondering what was he thinking. I wondered if he was sorry he almost hit me. Maybe ... he didn't give a damn.

We were on the way home, when I took my phone out. I heard something fall to the floor ... my stylus. I waited until we got to a stoplight, to open the door so, the light would come on ... I could look for it, then.

I leaned over with the door opened ... to look closely at the floor ... I heard something go by my head. I lifted myself up to see what it was.

A pickup truck came speeding by us ... so, he could go to the light, turn right. Well, nothing was wrong with that, excepting he was where he shouldn't have been ... there wasn't a lane for him to do that.

He shouldn't have been in that space at all ... he almost hit the door to my Expedition on the passenger side. He came too close to doing just that ... my head, shoulders would have been hit, also.

All the way home, I told myself I would be very careful of my movements. 'Three' ... is my number; there was only one to go ... to make it three.

I felt sort of anxious, I didn't want a third thing to happen. Thankfully, we made it home without incident. I came too close ... to being hurt seriously, tonight. I could have been killed. I didn't want ... a third thing to occur. That 'third' time ... could be ... fatal.


Wednesday, November 26, 2014

I Went To Hug Him ... He Hugged The Cookie Jar!

I Went To Hug Him ... He Hugged The Cookie Jar!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

This is The Cookie Jar ... this cookie jar got my darn hug!  Guess what?  It was empty, at that!
Photo/story owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny


Skip was standing by the refrigerator ... in his hands was the big ... cookie jar. Now, Skip loves cookies! He really does ... he loves to dip them in his coffee.

I love cookies ... but, I can take them, or ... leave them. I swear Skip is in Cookie Heaven ... when he is dipping a cookie in coffee. It's a happy, cozy thing ... I totally understand it. I really do! But, not ...

When I looked at him standing by the refrigerator with that big cookie jar in his hands ... my Heart did a flip-flop! My Heart filled with such love for him ... it was a sweet scene! I wanted to hug him!

I walked to Skip to hug him ... my Heart full of such love. I was smiling a smile that reflected how I felt ... he smiled back.

It was like in a movie! Picture this ... me walking in slow motion to make the special moment last longer ... reaching out to hug my special husband ... he is smiling back at me ...

For just a brief moment, his arms almost ... reached to hug me ... I didn't believe what happened next!

He moved toward me, he looked down at his cookie jar ... and he ... hugged it, instead! Yes, he did!

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Somewhere Over The Rainbow ... Has Made Me Cry, Today ... I Can't Go Back

Somewhere Over The Rainbow ... Has Made Me Cry, Today ... I Can't Go Back
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Grandma Alma ... George in top photo.  Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee in middle, bottom photos. 

She began singing ... my Heart began filling with tears

Somewhere inside ... where my tears come from ... they began to fall

Fall from my eyes, drenching my lashes with diamond teardrops

The female voice sang ... Somewhere Over the Rainbow ... instantly throwing me into the past

A little girl sat cross-legged on the old, dusty, wooden floor... Hell forgotten for a few moments

Behind her ... sat an older woman, tears in her eyes ... beautiful smile on her face

An elderly man sat in an old, cane chair, his sightless eyes shining with a smile

The sweetest expression on his kind face ... an adult transported back to being a child

The little girl's Grandma Alma ... her step-grandfather, George

The kindest man she'd ever known ... the only grandfather she ever knew

The little girl who used to be ... me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Somewhere over the rainbow... has made me cry today ... I can't go back

I cry for the loss of grandparents I'll never see again ...

I cry, because, now ... I can appreciate them fully for the people they were

Little munchikins walk out dancing, singing ... Grandma Alma, George smile

Forgetting the hell they sat in ... focusing on the munchikins ... following the yellow brick road; happy ... magical moments in their life

The little girl smiled, laughed in delight ... in the mind of the older woman she has become today ... at her precious memory

Somewhere over the rainbow ... has made me cry, today ... I can't go back

Go back to a time, visit one such precious moment ... there were very few

I treasure the memory of smiles, laughter I can see ... hear in my mind from a time long gone

Something special in the midst of Hell ... a grandchild sitting, for a moment in ... Heaven

With her grandparents, laughing ... excited ... The Wizard of Oz just came on tv!

I heard a woman sing 'Over The Rainbow' today ... I was sent into the past

Somewhere over the rainbow ... has made me cry, today ... I can't go back




Thursday, November 20, 2014

It's So Funny ... That I Cry ... Laughing

It's So Funny ... That I Cry ... Laughing
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

(November 20, 2014 ... my son, Tommy, would have been 44 years old, today ... somehow, I got his birthday, Thanksgiving Day mixed up) ...


I didn't know I would cry ... today. Hey, I really didn't think I would cry ... anymore. You know ... everything is ... alright. Didn't I tell you it was? If I 'tell you' ... then, it's so.

I haven't cried one time ... I've cried several times ... and the day is just getting started. It's only 8:56 am. I have a feeling ... I'm going to shed more tears as the day goes by.

Now ... I know the ... source ... of being more emotional for the past week ... the feeling of choking on my tears; the feeling that if I begin to cry, I won't be able to stop.

Yet ... I am happy, now. Why would I be crying if I'm so happy? Do you know ... I wouldn't even talk about this to anyone ... but, I made a promise to many people ... 'you'.

'You' ... my readers, followers, friends ... it's the very reason I began to write, to blog ... to share the most worst feeling in this world.  To share something I know well in my life since being a child ... pain, grief of losing someone all the time ... whether they lived, died.

I promised to tell you 'like it really is' ...what 'really goes on' at every stage of ... 'this mother's grief'. My grief for the loss of my only child, my son ... Tommy.

I can't speak for anyone else ... I don't talk to anyone about ... grief. I can't. I can tell them I care ... am on the same journey in life ... when a mother loses her child. I can say I 'know you hurt', because I have ... oh, my God, I still do. I can say it, because I 'really know ... am experiencing' it for the rest of my life.

I'll never be a mother again ... it's always going to be that way ... until I am taking my last breath. I will be a ... dead, motherless woman when that day comes. Oh no! I want to laugh ... that sounds so funny. It's honestly what came to my mind ... so, I said it.

It sounds so funny, I'm going to cry again. This kind of humor hurts ... I tell myself something 'funny' ... then, I cry. Then ... for a few seconds ... I am mad. But ... I don't go wasting my time, wishing for Tommy to come back. That's all it is ... a waste of time. He's not going to come back ... even if I stood on my head. Nothing I do, say ... is going to change a thing. I'm not going to keep banging my head against the wall ...

I feel the waves of pain wash over me ... making my whole body shudder under the weight. My tears add to the already deep ocean of grief ... I've cried since the evening of May 29, 2010 ... has it been that long? It doesn't seem like that long ... until I actually said, wrote it.

Should I somehow, stop grieving automatically 'by now'? Is there something I don't know that other grieving mothers know? Am I grieving right ... is there a wrong, or right way? I ... learn as I go. I already knew how to grieve ... I lost most all my family.

It was just that I didn't know how to grieve for the loss ... of 'my own flesh, blood' ... my only child.

I know ... now. I'm still crying for Tommy ... I thought I could fool myself. I thought if 'I told you all' ... that everything's alright, that I didn't think I would cry anymore ... then, I wouldn't. I thought if I 'told you' ... then, I 'couldn't' cry anymore. This was my first test since telling you ... I'm sorry I lied to you.

I thought I would make myself never cry again ... because I would have to tell you ... I lied to you. Well, I did lie to you ... but, I really didn't mean to.

It was like a thief in the night ... if it had been a real thief ... I would be dead ... because I never heard, saw it coming. Grief is making itself known ... today ... Tommy's birthday.

I really 'knew' when this day came ... I wouldn't cry. I wouldn't feel all the terrible pain ... I've accepted it all. I've been feeling so happy ... strange enough, I still ... feel so happy!

I can't change a thing ... so, why should I cry about it. It's life ... it's death ... there's not a ... damn ... thing I can do about it.

Oh my ... I even feel 'just a tad angry' ... can you hear it in my words. I didn't mean to be. I'm not mad at all.

Yes, I know ... I've been telling you it's all going to be alright ... 'now'. It really is ... but, it doesn't stop the pain. Not only that ... the pain can blindside one ... me. I didn't see it coming. I 'knew' I was more emotional than I've been this past week ... for some time. I know 'why' ... now.

It's so strange ... I knew Tommy's birthday would be soon ... somehow, without realizing it ... I skipped to Thanksgiving Day ... today. Where did Tommy's birthday go? How did I think I was going to get past that? Well, if I 'didn't know' ... that's how, I guess.

In my mind ... today was going to be Thanksgiving Day. Now, that I think about it ... when was I going to realize ... Tommy's birthday comes before Thanksgiving ... did I 'go crazy, and not know it'? You know ... 'am I right'? I'm okay ... just trying to be 'funny' again.

Hellfire! I cooked our Thanksgiving Day meal, yesterday. If you stop a minute ... it's so funny! I think it's so funny that I ... cry ... laughing.

Well, we've already 'celebrated Thanksgiving' ... damn! It's so funny ... that I cry ... laughing.




Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Someone's Ass Would Be In Serious Trouble ...

Someone's Ass Would Be In Serious Trouble ...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee ...  I believe in 'good' ... I believe everyone should treat animals, people in a loving, kind way.  If not ... I believe if there's no doubt someone mistreated either person, animal ... they should get to experience every bad thing they inflicted upon a living being ... not only that ... for as long as they inflicted it upon either.  That's my 'Gloria Opinion' ... you know my opinions ... they don't change unless ... I ... really see ... where I'm wrong.  They have been known to change ...


Do you think there's ... really a difference ... between 'dog people' ... and 'cat people'? Really ... do you?


Do you think 'cat people' aren't the most honest, nicest people in the world? Do you think you can't trust them because they 'are like cats', themselves? Does that mean cats are dishonest ... sneaky ... deceitful? Is that what people mean when they say they don't ... like cat people?


'Dog people' on the other hand ... when you say 'they are dog people' ... one automatically associates that with honesty, the best people, just 'all good'. Have you ever taken note of that?


We are 'dog people' ... we 'pure love' our dogs. They are our life ... our world. We are for-real the 'best people' ... very good people. I have to say I've thought about a lot of 'dog people' ... really, not all dog people are the best.

People who have lots of animals ... may have them for other reasons than ... love. Whatever ... they should care for them to the best of their ability; never abuse them. Yet ... it happens all the time.


Starve, beat ... neglect ... the list goes on. I can't bear to think about these people ... why? I would want to reverse the situation ... let that person 'feel' everything he inflicted upon a living being ... be it animal or ... human.


I don't apologize for feeling that way ... if you 'can dish it out ... you should be able to take it'. You should get to experience every thing you do to a living being ... be it good, or bad. In a perfect world ... all people, animals would know only love.


You say two wrongs ... don't make a right? This is strictly a 'Gloria Opinion' ... and I hold my ground on it. I think when it comes to people ... animals ... and there's no doubt of the cruelty one has inflicted on a living being ... they should get to see 'how it feels for as long as they did it to another living being'.

I won't argue about how I feel ... I'm not giving roses to someone who has been cruel to a person ... animal. Are you?

I think about these things as I hear about them ... see the ugly things people do. I guess it's a good thing ... I'm not the judge, jury, the one who metes out punishment. Someone's ass would be in serious trouble. That's right ...

Photo/story are both owned by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

So ... If That Means Being A 'Goody Two-Shoes' ... So Be It!

So ... If That Means Being A 'Goody Two-Shoes' ... So Be It!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee (&grannygee)

Photo is of me as a younger 'Granny Gee' ... photo/story both, are owned by me... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.  I wasn't a 'Goody Two-Shoes'.



I have been thinking a lot ... what do I think about ... so much? Truthfully, my mind never stays on any one thing. Too boring. It would be like painting all in ... one color ... if I thought about only a few things.

Not only that ... I think about things most people wouldn't think about. That's like ... painting in exotic colors. I think in colors ... the stories in my life are ... the colors of my life.

The color I hate the worst is ... black. Somehow, 'black' has touched my life with its unwelcomed color ... a lot, through the years. I'd rather choose a black color when I needed it ... like when I outline my drawings ... with a Sharpie pen.

The worse black color is ... death. Death of a dear, loved one. I have experienced many shades of black ... I have lost most all my family. I lost the very members of ... my family ... that I truly loved, as a child. I'm not saying I liked them ... as an adult, though.

Several ... one in particular ... was ... evil. Maybe because of living in the house that guarded one of the portals ... to hell. It's a wonder I'm not a ... demon. Maybe that's why I could be a demon ... if I didn't have so, much 'good' in me.

I love happy, good, heart-touching things in life. I was different ... in my family. If I'd been 'bad', I would have been looked up to, admired. How do I know? I took a few 'bad' roads in my life ... they loved it.

I 'wasn't bad enough' to travel the roads I began to try to go down ... 'I had to come back'. I wasn't ... tough enough. I was 'too good' ... inside. I couldn't do ... 'bad' things that hurt others. I didn't like to be mean, hateful ... evil.

I would have been good at it ... if 'there had been a bad bone' in my body. I learned from the best ... I 'lost respect' when I wouldn't go on to be 'bad' ... I also, gained a 'reluctant respect' because ... I had the nerve to say ... no! I was called something I hated to be called ... that's not 'me' at all ...'goody two-shoes'.

I know how it feels to hurt ... I know many shades of pain ... the very worse being ... the death of Tommy, my son. Many of my followers, readers know this about me ... you've all traveled on this road ... with me.

I promised you I would tell you how a mother's grief really is, as it happened. I have kept my promise, just as I'll always write about the grief as it happens through time. Write about it ... as it changes.

I'm glad to ... be at this stage in my grief. I can live now ... I can smile, laugh, truly feel happiness ... now. It's wonderful to do this ... without feeling ... such guilt.

My blog was born out of grief for my son. Thank-God, I had it to go to ... truthfully, I would have never made it this far ... if I hadn't had an outlet. Thank-God, I found a way to let the river of pain ... flow out as it tried to destroy me. Thank-God, all of you have been there these past four years ... encouraging, caring about me.

There was a time after Tommy died ... I did almost die. Skip stopped that from happening. There is a powerful medicine that was given to me ... I'm not used to taking such medicine ...

I couldn't remember taking it ... I didn't realize I was taking it ... each time I woke up. I've never taken drugs ... and this was the most powerful medicine I ever met up with.

I wasn't aware Skip was watching me, worrying about me ... dying. He broke through my grief to make me realize I almost died. He stood watching me ... he told me he couldn't hear me breathe, barely see me breathing. He was very afraid for me.

After several weeks ... I began to go the grief 'all by myself'. I never took medicine again. I met that 'damn grief ... head on'. I was in another world ... one that was foggy, stormy, dark ... scary.

I've never known such horrible ... storms ... in my life. This ship ... stood in the wind ... battered as hell ... but, I'm still here.

I do remember this ... people say the 'damnest things' ... thinking it helped me. I stayed away from them ... they thought my son was 'in a better place' ... In a better place? He didn't want to die to go to a 'better place'.

I didn't feel comfort from those words ... in fact, it made me angry ... inside, though ... I knew people were well-meaning. They'd heard that all their life ... and they encountered a situation when that was ... all they knew to say. I know ... if it had been their child ... those words were be last ones they would want to hear ... they just hadn't been in that situation ... yet.

Today, the thoughts in my mind have been ... sort of like when you want to go back in the past ... try to move things out of your way ... so, you can see what happened. I try to do that in my mind ... go back to see, remember those three years I've lost, grieving for my child.

I think I'm stronger now ... I want to know. You know more from my writing what happened ... than what I ... remember. Those of you who have faithfully followed me for the whole time ... have meant the world to me.

It's strange how 'threes' have played a part in my life. Three years of the worst grief I've ever known. Three years of battling cancer (non-Hodgkin lymphoma) to live. Three seems to be an important number in my life.

I give a person 'normally' ... three chances to do right with me. After the third time ... that's it. I stay nice ... but, I don't forget ... never. I smile ...

I could go on, I won't. I'm sure you also, have a limit in your life with 'how much you'll put up with'. If you don't ... you just as well lay down on the floor with your rugs ... act like one so, people can physically ... step on you. It all hurts ... just as bad.

Today ... the sky is gray, cloudy. I'm sure they influenced my thoughts as I wrote. I can imagine if the sunshine had been out ... I would have written on a lighter note. These seem to be my thoughts for today ... for a few minutes ... at least :)

You know I'm not a gloomy person ... I know that no matter how bad things get, are ... one way or the other ... everything's going to be alright. It always is ... I know this for a fact.

I've had many, many bad things in my life ... somehow, though sometimes, it takes time ... everything finally became ... alright.

I don't think many of us can go through a lifetime without seeing dark colors in our life. The good thing is there are many ... shades of colors in life.

I hope to see many, many colors in my life, at this stage. I would like to know many good things, experience many good things, hear many good things... feel them all. I would love to see many good things happen in everyone's life ...

I would love to hear about them ... I love for my Heart to be touched.

It's the tears of joy that bother me ... they wet my face ... make my nose stuffy, hard to breathe ... make my Heart feel like a big fireplace that only burns brighter, happier like another log's been thrown on it ... when I hear of good things ... happening to you.

I do know what happiness feels like (I'm so happy, now) ... happiness feels good ... happy :)! I wish it for you, too. Happiness feels good! So, if that means being a 'goody two-shoes' ... so, be it!

Monday, November 10, 2014

Finding It Hard To Cry ... Now

Finding It Hard To Cry ... Now
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee 


I imagine myself walking on the sand ... once again

Once again ... to feel my son

My mind ... went back to the last night

To the night ... I saw him last

In the box ... out of the corner of my eye

The box with ... all ... that ... light

A light ... spotlighting a figure lying inside a ... box

A little three year old boy trying to climb up

To see his daddy for the last time

Daddy! Daddy! I want to see my Daddy!

I was too far away ... though ... I was there

There, at the opposite side of the room

I couldn't feel anything ... the powerful medicine

Protected me from the awful knowledge, pain

Of ... knowing my only child, my son ... was dead

I tried to float to where my son lay in the box

Somehow, I couldn't make it there

I floated to a couch, to sit beside my son's aunt

I was a leaf blowing in the wind ... I moved

When the wind ... blew

Here, there ... I had no control

It seemed I smiled a soft smile, while floating in a dream

An awful dream ... that for the moment didn't make me hurt

Until ... my eyes would look toward ... the box in the bright light

Did they shine a spotlight on him? Was it my imagination?

When I looked, I saw him vividly ... my baby, my child ... my son

Whose little boy was trying to climb inside the box ... my grandson

I wasn't aware of anything ... yet, I was ... but, wasn't

How was I alive ... oh my God ... Tommy's dead

I should be dead ... the worst had happened ... my child was gone

I looked around ... his wife was greeting people, smiling

Was I at a party? I'm sure she was on the medicine that numbs one

Numbs one from the pain ... I wondered before, how people could smile ... now, I know

Walking on the damp sand, stopping to wiggle my toes

Feel the spray from the waves washing up on the shore

Close my eyes, feel the sunshine caress my skin

The wind blew to dry my tears

I can now, only cry in my mind ... my imagination

I can't cry aloud, anymore ... I'm not sure 'why' ...

I'm sleepy now ... I will go lay me down

To sleep the peace of being asleep

I miss my son, Tommy ... I never forget

I feel the pain after four years ... in a different way

Strange ... I don't cry out loud, now ... only in my mind

This month, Tommy would have been forty-four years old

Do you say Happy Birthday to the ... dead?

Is it right to say, 'Happy Birthday, Tommy'?

I still grieve for you, Son ... no one but, me ... knows it, now

I always remember your birthday, I should

I gave birth to you ... you were my baby boy

You were the only child I ever had ... I don't have you, anymore

I have no ties to you, Son ... two children you had

Never hearing from them, severed the bond I once had

I don't know they can ever be mended again

When you died, all that was a part of you died as well

I'm the only part alive ... that I know

Why? Because ... at one time, I used to be a mother

I can only 'see you' in expressions you had ... like mine

Hear you at times in some things I say, you said like me

Feel you, when we say something ... you would have said

I wonder how other grieving mothers feel

Do they go through such as I

Is this how one grieves ... in the fourth year?

Grieve in a way one can't cry?

Grieve in a way ... you can speak your child's name

Without crying ... finding it hard to cry ... now