Friday, July 31, 2015

I Have a Confession to Make ... I am an Ambivert

I Have a Confession to Make ... I am an Ambivert
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

I can be many ways ... around lots of people for a while ... then just be with myself.  I'm still me.  Photos are of me/owned by me.  Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

I have finally found out what I am.  I knew I could be either way ... so, I always wondered if there was a word to describe my way of being.  Instead of being two ways ... one extreme to the other ... I am three ways ... I can be either.

I always used the word 'just being myself'.  I have found out there is a word to describe me ... and lots of people who have no idea that they are ... ambiverts ... just like me.  I read that 2/3 people are ... ambiverts.  Are you one?

It means that I am happy sometimes doing something like being the life of the party ... other times, I'm happy being home reading, drawing ... just being with myself, our Pups in my world with Skip.

I'm not ... one extreme to the other.  Are you?  Are you introvert or extrovert ... or like me ... ambivert?  I love being ambivert.  That's just being myself.  I might enjoy being talkative one day and the next, just enjoy being quiet.  I feel like I have the best of both worlds.

I read this ... and oh my ... this is exactly how I am ( I read it on Huffpost) ... this is what I read:

'But there are drawbacks to being an ambivert, according to The Wall Street Journal. If an ambivert gets stuck in an extroverted role (constantly surrounding themselves with people and spending very little time alone) or introverted role (lots of time in quiet, low key environments) for too long, they can feel bored or burnt out.'

If I spend too much time with people ... or too much time alone ... I do get bored.  I do get burnt out from being around people too long ... and when I'm with myself too long ... I have to go be around people.

I'm in the center ... I can go either way being ambivert ... I can go from one extreme to the other ... I feel like I can have my cake, eat it too.  Some people are one way all the time.  I am not like that.  I'm the same person though sometimes, I'm quieter than others.  Other times I will talk, and talk and talk.  I never know what I'll be.

One can't take me for granted ... the only thing they can take for granted is that I'm a good person no matter what I do.  Sometimes, when I don't talk ... it's louder than any word I can say.

I took a quiz to see if I am what I thought ... yes, I'm exactly what I thought.  I love not being truly one way or the other ... that's me.  This is the answer to the quiz to tell me what my answers to the questions revealed about me:

'You're an ambivert. That means you're neither strongly introverted nor strongly extraverted. Recent research by Adam Grant of the University of Pennsylvania's Wharton School of Management has found that ambiverts make the best salespeople. Ambiverts tend to be adept at the quality of attunement. They know when to push and when to hold back, when to speak up and when to shut up. So don't fall for the myth of the extraverted sales star. Just keep being your ambiverted self.'

I love my ambiverted self.  I can always be me when I'm true to myself.  Now ... I know the word to describe me ... ambivert.

Photos/story are owned, written by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Earthquake in a Snow Globe ...

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee ... this could be a scenery in a snow globe ... you know the clear glass ball of liquid, shake it up to make the snow begin swirling around the scenery ...  Photo owned by me, also.

Earthquake in a Snow Globe ...

Skip and I were talking today about something that rocked our world two days ago.  We never saw it coming ... it all came in such a way we both were stunned ... it was a good thing we were sitting down.

I could see shock on his face ... and I was like a mirror reflecting  his shock.  It was so much so that it felt like someone shook our world.  I began crying, once I saw Skip wasn't going to be able to say it was a joke.

Skip got a call while we were sitting at the dining table.  He was so dead-tired from being on a trip.  The call shattered our world ... though we recovered quickly ... in such a way we were numbed by it.

Today we were speaking about the shock, describing how it felt.  I told Skip it was like being in a snow globe ... like someone came along, picked our world up ... shook it like Hell so, it felt like an earthquake.  

That's what we likened it to.  Our world was picked up for a moment ... shook like Hell ... sat back down.  All is calm, settled now.  Just like in a snow globe. Earthquake in a snow globe.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

I Think it Must be Rare to See Such a Sight!

I Think it Must be Rare to See Such a Sight!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

We were driving down the highway.  We were discussing something upsetting that happened recently.  I couldn't believe what I saw ... Skip slowed down.

We were getting ready to go by a dog kennel.  I couldn't believe my eyes at what appeared quickly from the right side of the road ... ran across in front of us to the other side with something in its mouth!  I've never seen such before in my life ... I was ... pure amazed!

A beautiful red fox dashed across in front of us ... with a baby fox in its mouth!  Oh my!  How precious!

It disappeared into the brush on the left side of the road.  I wanted that moment to slow down, last longer.  I'm so glad the mother fox got across the road in safety.

I love, respect wildlife.  I would go out of my way to protect it.  I stop to move turtles from the road ... I slow down so, I don't hit a deer ... or run over a snake ... or dog, any animal.  I hope you do too.

I couldn't believe what I saw today.  I think it must be rare to see such a sight!

Photos/story both owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

I Received my Copyright for my book, Camie's Angel Today!

I Received  My Copyright  for my 3rd book ... Camie's Angel
Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee (7-28-2015)

I am thrilled.  This is my 3rd Copyright, and I have all 3 in my possession, now.  All photos are owned by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

I have 3 published books that can be found on ... I Cry For Tommy, and When She's Good (my little introductory book to my character Victoria Fairchild), and Camie's Angel.

Comfort in a Cup ... Pure Comfort

Comfort in a Cup ... Pure Comfort
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Skip and I were sitting at a Krispy Kreme ... drinking hot coffee ... the best coffee I know!

Condensation on the inside of the clear, glass carafe ... sound of water dripping into the carafe as it ran its cycle.  I love to hear, watch the coffee-maker as it goes through the process of making coffee, heating water.  Comforting ... pure comfort.

Pouring hot water into the cup ... tearing open a little packet of Folger's coffee powder ... dumping it into the hot water.  Stirring ... adding cream until it's just like I love it.  Give me extra cream, please.  Oh-hhhhhh, so good.  Comforting ... pure comfort.

The sound of coffee percolating ... who ever hears that wonderful sound now?  That was from the days of our grandmas.  I don't know about you, but ... as a child I lived with my Grandma Alma and George.

They lived in Hell ... strange enough, even in Hell ... one finds comfort ... such as in a percolating coffee-pot.  I would watch the coffee as it percolated inside the glass 'knob' on the top of the metal lid.  Magical to a little girl!  Beautiful, happy ... comfort ... pure comfort.

I got to taste the coffee as a little girl.  I couldn't have much because it could make me ... ugly.  As a little girl, I wasn't worried about being ugly ... I just wanted that wonderful aroma ... warmth of drinking the hot coffee.  I wanted anything warm, comforting to escape Hell.  Coffee, hot chocolate was comfort ... pure comfort.  I could close my eyes and be somewhere else ... feel the warmth of the cup ... in my hands.

I watched Grandma Alma, George sit, drink their coffee.  They enjoyed it so much ... one of the few comforting things in their life of pure Hell.  Coffee to them ... to me ... was comfort ... pure comfort.

When something bad happens ... what is the first thing someone wants?  A good, hot cup of coffee.  Comfort ... pure comfort.

When I have experienced all the bad in my life ... somehow, a cup of hot coffee was around.  If it isn't, I will make it be.  If it's nowhere to be found, I am wishing for it ... why?  Comfort ... pure comfort.

Think about it ... become aware.  When bad things happen ... watch on the news ... what is being offered to rescue workers, people who have been through a trauma?  Coffee.  Comfort ... pure comfort.

I was talking to Skip this morning by cell phone.  I was making a cup of coffee, we were talking about how we like our coffee, so on.  It reminded us of our grandmas ... how we both would ask for coffee as a child.  Now, when we drink coffee ... it reminds us of special people we loved dearly as a child.

My Grandma Alma and George were my lighthouse in the darkness of Hell as a child.  I remember how I would take a deep breath, smell the wonderful aroma of that coffee in their awful house.  

Coffee made all disappear for a short time ... beautiful aroma ... hot coffee in a cup ... holding it in my little hands.  The cup of coffee would make the bad better.

I loved the warmth of their old, thick, white coffee cups (like at the Waffle House).  My hands held on to ... comfort ... pure comfort for as long as I could.

Now ... I look back all through the years.  So much bad ... has been in my life.  I'm not a big coffee-drinker, but do you know what?  That's what was in my hands each time something bad happened.

I'll never forget my best friend, Ms Nancy ... doing something that struck a deep chord in me.  There wasn't any way for her to know how much hot coffee would mean to me at a horrible time in my life ... yet, she gave us comfort that lasted long after she was gone.

Do you know what she did?  Our home had just burned down ... claiming everything we owned.  The Red Cross had just gotten us, our Pups a room at a motel.  Ms Nancy did something I will never-ever forget ... I will always love her extra for doing it ... she brought to us ... a container with coffee, and a coffee-maker, filters, creamer ... cups.

She never knew how much it meant to me.  I can still look back, see myself and Skip sitting in shock at the motel room.  One of us had made the coffee ... I can see myself holding my cup of hot coffee.

I held the warmth of the coffee cup in the palms of my hands even after putting the cup down.  Another bad time in my life ... coffee was there.  Comfort ... pure comfort.

Note by this Author:

Photos, story is true, owned/written by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

Ms Nancy, you don't know how you touched my very Heart with your gift to make us feel better.  It made such a difference at that terrible time in my life.  I never told you how much hot coffee meant to me ... when things are both good and bad in my life.  Comfort ... pure comfort.

Our grandmas let us have coffee when no one else would.  We sit sometimes, talk about it ... while drinking hot coffee.  Why?  Comfort ... pure comfort.

It's amazing what a hot cup of coffee can do.  It can bring people together in a special way.  Even the meanest of people will mellow out if you give them a good, hot cup of coffee.  I know ... there are some mean-asses that will never mellow out ... they can't live with themselves, much less with kindness from others.

I think hot coffee with its special aroma has the ability to reach someone's soul ... the warmth to melt the ice in one's heart.  Don't believe me?  Offer a cold drink in place of hot coffee ... sure, it'll be welcomed ... but, there's something magical about hot coffee.  Comfort ... pure comfort.

Monday, July 27, 2015

She Died Be-Bopping ... to the Music in Her Head

She Died Be-Bopping ... to the Music in Her Head
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

Photo of light in a bottle our friend made for us ... I love this bottle .. so comforting .................

This medicine has the potential to kill your ass.  It can make you sweat, groan, moan ... have diarrhea that will dehydrate your body until you have nothing left in you.

Not only that, side effects are:  uneven walking, flopping your gums and arms at the same time, sneezing, coughing up blood, risk of heart attack, stroke ... cancer.  It can cause memory loss, crossed eyes ... saliva to drool from your mouth.

Feeling sleepy, faint, heart beating too fast, shallow breathing ... she had just taken her medicine 30 minutes earlier ... no, she wasn't feeling well at all.  That's why she took her medicine ... she never thought to question it.  

She always took her medicine faithfully twice a day ... to make her feel better.  She never associated the medicine pulling her down, causing her to feel bad, be sick every day of her life.

Each time she went to the doctor he would prescribe her several more bottles of medicine.  Like a good girl ... she would get her prescriptions filled, bring her medicine home ... place it on the table along side the many other bottles of medicine she took ... every day.

She had all her 40 bottles of medicine lined up in rows.  This row of medicine would help her heart ... this row of medicine would take care of all her pain ... this row of medicine would stop the bleeding in her stomach ... this row .................. it went on and on.

The doctor kept prescribing her medicine, never bothering to ask her for a list of the medicines she was ................... currently taking.  He just assumed she was intelligent enough to know when he gave her medicine ... she would know what to do.  

What dumb ass would still take ... all the medicines ... the doctor ever prescribed her?  He never gave it any thought.

She knew what to do, all right.  She took her pills from each bottle ... twice a day never knowing the toxic effect all was having on her.

One morning, she got up ... ate her breakfast, began lining all her pills up on the table.  She had an extra-big glass of water ready to help her as she swallowed those pills. 

Feeling nauseous, she began to stagger to the bathroom to vomit.  She never made it.  She fell onto the kitchen floor ... blood seeping out of her eyes, ears, and mouth.  Her eyes stared vacantly into the distance ... she was dying.

She was dying to the music in her head ... the music on a commercial she always paid attention to ... it advertised the very medicine she had just took.  She could hear the man's voice listing the side effects of the medicine ... she died as she moved her head in rhythm to the music.  It had such a catchy little tune ...

When all was said, done ... it was determined the woman killed herself taking all that medicine.  Why would anyone in their sane mind do such a thing?  Why?  There's no way anyone would intentionally take that many bottles of medicine unless ... it was suicide.

The woman never knew she should use her judgement, put away some medicines as others replaced them.  She only knew to be a good girl, take all her medicine just like the doctor told her.  She died be-bopping to the music in her head.  Such a catchy little tune.

Note by this Author:

So many people take many medicines ... never thinking about the dire consequences.  As medicines are prescribed to them ... they just simply place the new bottles with the old.

When it comes times to take prescribed medicine ... they just simply take one, two pills from each bottle ... doesn't matter how many bottles there are.  They just know the doctor prescribed it, and it was their medicine, and they are damn sure to take it.

They never have the foresight to know ... they aren't supposed to do that.  If only they would know to question their doctor ... update their medicines ever so often ... at least once, twice a year.  Truly every time a new medicine is prescribed.

God help the patient who takes their medicines ... and later take their 'recreational' medicines ... drugs they purchase elsewhere.  This really happens ... you see people take their medicines, plus ... not only that ... drink alcohol.  They never have a chance.

All photos/ written words are owned by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.  I've grown up with such as I have written.  

I watched it as a little girl ... I grew up with a healthy fear of medicines, drugs ... so much in fact, when I went through major surgeries ... I fought against the pain medicines while in the hospital, recovering at home.  

I was so afraid I would become addicted to the medicines that could help me ... and have to depend on them for life.  

Isn't it sad?  I still have a hard time ... with medicines.  I'm always making sure I don't take very much.  The first medicines I ever saw was on a little night table by my Grandma Alma's bed.  

So-oooo many bottles ... I always was afraid she'd die if she didn't have them.  Every time she was carried to the hospital, to the doctor ... more bottles would appear.  So-oooooooooo many bottles ...

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Past Forever ...

Past Forever ...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Two hands ... clasped together
In binding love that lasted forever

Forever was here now
One just left, shortly after ... the other

In a golden shower of soft light
Two souls began to rise

From two bodies that lay close
On the bed they shared ... forever

The very air felt special, magical
One didn't feel someone just died

It was more a celebration of freedom
From the two old, wrinkled ... worn bodies

Peace was left on the faces of the deceased
One would swear both were smiling

Glad to be gone from this world
This world that was good ... bad

They lived a full life ... happy, sad
They lived forever keeping their promise

Made many years ago
I love you I do ... I'll always be there for you

When death do us part
Life will never keep us ... apart

When you go I will go too
I love you darling ... when you go I will follow you

Golden light faded to a soft glow
Two loves traveled to the other side

Hand in hand past forever
In life never apart ... when death came

They held hands, held on to the other
Where you go ... I will follow you

We are together past forever
Like stars and sky ... woven together

We are threads woven into fabric
Of the other side ... the ever-after

Few of the many before us
We'll be many when the few come

After us, when others go past forever
Repeating over, and over ... to the ever-after

After us, when others go ... past forever

Note by this Author:  Photo/poem are owned, written by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter.

I wish I could write what I feel in more beautiful words than I know ... I feel so much more than I can say.

Hurry ... He's Waiting For Me

Hurry ... He's Waiting For Me
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter


Skip and I ... we are soulmates ... beginning to end.  Our love is so special.

Side by side, hand in hand ... faces turned toward each other in sleep ... slight smile from saying goodnight before both went to sleep.

Soulmates ... each precious face was lined, etched from living life.  No longer worrying over being pretty, handsome.  No longer worrying what people thought ... how much money they had ... having a nice car.  Life had been hard for them ... not any more.

They were nearing the end of their life ... no one was left in this world to love them ... they only had each other.  Thankfully, the people in the nursing home treated the old couple well.  Thankfully ... they had each other.

The nursing assistant stood in the doorway of their room ... she listened to the couple breathe softly as they slept.  It seemed as if only one person was breathing ...

She walked over to listen.  Both beds had been pushed so, both could be beside the other.  The woman's hand was held by the man's hand.  A special sight ... so private ... heart-touching.  The nursing assistant's eyes filled with tears.  So much love ... she felt so much love emanating from them ... she knew it came from many years of being very close.

The nursing assistant pushed the beds apart gently, slid in between them.  She reached out to hold the man and woman's hands together as she leaned over to make sure both were breathing.  She held her breath ...

Oh no!  The woman was breathing softly ... the old man was very quiet.  She gently removed the woman's hand from the old man's hand.  Oh my, she thought.

She pushed both beds apart as quietly as she could.  The old woman still slept.  The nursing assistant walked back to the door, stopped when she heard a whisper.  She turned around ...

"Please, push me back to hold my husband's hand.  Hurry, he's waiting for me".  The nursing assistant didn't stop to question.  She walked to the old woman's bed, pushed it quickly back to where it was.  The old woman reached out for her husband's hand.

"Thank you.  It's time for me to go ... Harry's waiting for me on the other side.  All I have to do is to close my eyes".  She smiled the sweetest of smiles, closed her eyes.  The nursing assistant stood, listened to the old woman's breathing.

Tears flowed down her face as she heard the change in the old woman's breathing.  She began to cry silently at the pure love she felt in the room.  She had never felt anything like that before.

"There you are Harry!  I'm coming to you".  The nursing assistant watched the old woman smile, her eyes were closed.  She held onto her husband's hand ... her breathing went away.  The room became quiet.  The nursing assistant had never seen such a beautiful, special sight.

There was a soft, golden light around them ... she thought she saw movement in it.  She did see movement ... the old man was reaching for his wife's hand!  They both faded out of sight, the light went away.

The nursing assistant began to sob.  She knew she'd witnessed something no one else had ever seen.  She went into the hall to go tell her supervisor.

She thought she heard soft laughter in the very air around her.  She felt such happiness in the air ... she heard someone say I love you!

A smile came on the nursing assistant's face ... sadness lifted from her heart.  She knew somehow ... that instead of death being a bad thing ... this was the most beautiful death she'd ever seen.  The couple were together from ... beginning to the ending.

Note by this Author:  I heard something similar to this on a tv program.  My mind went on to think about Skip and I.

I had the impression that the older couple being talked about was just as close as Skip and I are ... I think the husband died, and just before he did, he said he was going on ahead to prepare the way for his wife.

That really happened ... of course, my story is fictional ... since Skip and I are still here.  :)  I had it on my mind thinking how beautiful their story was ... I think the man's wife died 4 days later.

Photos/story all owned, written by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

Friday, July 24, 2015

Isn't That Damn Amazing?

Isn't That Damn Amazing?
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@geegranny on Twitter

My beautiful mother as a young woman ... as a child I wanted to grow up to be beautiful like her.

My mind goes back to just after my mother died ... she died with a lot of unanswered questions ... that later were answered by connecting dots.

My beautiful mother as a young woman ... oh how I loved my ... Mama!  I wanted to be so pretty.

A word here, a word there ... actions that spoke louder than words.  Reactions to certain things ... the reactions that were held in check hoping not to be seen.  Actions speak louder than words ...

It's strange how time ... and actions of others will answer questions, telling on themselves if they did something wrong ... over the years.

People forget themselves, become ... real ... once again, never realizing there is always someone watching, listening quietly ... connecting dots to ... things suspected, things that are a mystery ... things that ... shouldn't have happened ... dishonesty ... deceit ... danger.

Not everyone loves someone when they appear to love ... not everyone is good when appearing to be good.  Not everyone ... is who we think they are.  No, not Aunt Susie ... she is Aunt Susie, for God's sake.

My beautiful mother, and my precious, favorite brother ... Rick-Rick.  God, I miss them so.

She can do no wrong, much less ..... !  No!  Eyes refuse to be opened ... made to look at the real ... Aunt Susie who is a bad person.  A greedy, loose woman who will take from another woman what she wants ... even if it means death.  She'll move her clothes right in the closet without the woman knowing ... by that time ... it's too late.  Help-pppppppppppppppppppp me-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Not Uncle Paul!  No, he wouldn't intentionally let someone die ... to shack up with ... Aunt Susie!  No!  You know he didn't, I won't hear of it!  Shut your mouth.  You know he didn't let his wife die ... just stand there, watch her die ... then call 911.  You know he didn't!  He loved that damn woman!

As the months, years go by ... nothing left but, a recording of a dead woman's voice crying for help that never got to the person in time ... that would have went through high hell, or water to get to her.

Help-pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp me-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

A voice that sounded from another world, crying the most un-Godliest cry.  A voice that haunts through the years so much so, whenever the recording is playing ... the STOP button has to be pressed.  I can't take it ... hurts too bad.  Mama!

My beautiful mother ... she had long, curly hair.  She wore beautiful dresses, flowing skirts ... she was a princess in my child mind.  I wanted to be so beautiful.

A voice that couldn't have been ... that person was already dead at that very time ... confirmed by the 911 person.  How did that strange voice come to be on an answering machine ... after ... a woman died?  The unnatural, haunting cry of someone that sounded as if ... in another world.  Tell me how?

Watching, listening, sensing ... knowing someone's life taken in a way that couldn't be proved.  Everyone dead now ... what does it matter?  What does it matter?  Help-ppppppppppppppppppppppp me-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

Ghosts from the past haunt my mind.  Sometimes, I sit in tears ... I cry in my very Soul ... no one sees, hears, knows all the pain, grief I suffer with ... battle with.   When I am tired, weary from battling with my ghosts ... I let go ... they go back to where they come from until another day to battle.

No one ever saw my mother's ashes ... only Skip, Tommy and I.  No one wanted to see them or wanted to keep them ... I didn't want to keep them from anyone.  Her ashes/container were burned in the housefire that claimed all we had.  Skip found them charred ... laying in a pile of debris.  I have them in a rose chest ... my mother loved roses.  I painted roses for her before she died.  I miss my mother.

I've heard of people having to battle with their demons ... demons of all kinds.  I am not consumed by my demons ... but, I know they are there.

This breaks my Heart ... thank God, I have them.  This is charred ashes/container ... my mother's ashes.  Now, they are safely inside her Rose Chest.

The thoughts of things wrong, not fair ... death, grief, pain and people, animals mistreated, killed, harmed ... make me very upset ... I sometimes, feel panicky, overwhelmed.  These are the 'demons' I have.  These are the demons I wanted to slay as a much younger person.  These are demons I wanted to 'save the world from' as a young person.

Did I slay any demons, monsters that threatened people, animals?  Hell no.  I wasn't big enough ... rich enough ... strange how strong I was ... I was too weak to conquer them.

As a young woman, I wasn't big enough, strong enough to save this damn world ... even with every good person ... it's not enough.  So, we all in our own ways strive to save as much as possible even though ... no one notices, or ... cares.  Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

The monsters, demons still live today ... watch your news every day.  See?  They are always somewhere ... killing, hurting people, animals.  Cruelty ... murder ... hatred ... anger ... are the demons in this world.

How could I conquer something I knew nothing about?  How could I have known people could be so cruel ... so awful as to harm another life ... be it human or animal.  How in the Hell could I have known?

Could I have conquered them ... if I knew?  Sadly ... no, I couldn't have.  As many good people as there are in this world ... there's not enough people to conquer the 'bad' in this world.  We just know 'if we can save at least one or some' ... we've done a good job.  If you are one of the 'saved' ... you see how important it is to be one someone saved.  It means your very world.  Thank-God you say.

So strong ... so fragile.  So strong ... so sensitive.  So strong ... but so weak.

Yet ... you've never seen a stronger person stand tall like a Redwood tree ... to look you would never suspect, know the storms I have battled ... the kinds of storms normal-every day people never have opportunity to battle.

People lose dear, loved ones ... this is a fact of life.  It's when they lose them in unnatural ways as many of my loved ones died.  The grief is compounded.  So many people today ... lose their precious someones in ... awful, awful ways.  Oh, the grief ... pain that'll last their lifetime.  I'm not the only one who feels pain, grief.

Sure ... things happen all the time to people.  It's when they continue to happen, one after the other with challenges the average person never experiences.  I've learned to cope with one after the other ... no life manual to tell me what to do.  I learned on my own.  I think at this moment in my life ... I have done good.

I've done good ... survived so much ... and I'm not crazy as Hell.  Isn't that damn amazing?

Did I do enough to 'save the world'?  Probably not ... all I can do is the best I can do.  Will it be in a way for someone to think I'm a hero, someone special?  Nope ... but it'll be in a way that I can live with myself, know I'm a good person.  That's all that matters ... if one can't live with themselves ... oh my!  Does that mean I've always been so perfect, never done anything to regret?  Nope ... it means I went on to be as good as I can be ... inside.  I'm so sorry for anything I've ever done to hurt, cause grief to anyone.   Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Note by this Author:

Photos/colors (words) of my life are owned, written by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

These are my very real thoughts, things that sometimes try to overwhelm me.  Names are fictious ...

I truly know I'm not the only person who lives with pain, grief ... I'm so fortunate to not be ... crazy as Hell.  I remember seeing a letter written from one cousin to his brother just after my only child, my son Tommy, died.  I read the words about me, he wrote.  They said I'd probably never be right again with the loss of my only child.

I am glad I read his words ... they were some of the steel put into my backbone to mean to be ... alright.  Thank you, Pete ... you never knew this.  I sincerely mean that ... I'm glad I saw those words because they made an impression on me in my darkest time.  I send love to you, my cousin.

As for my mother ... I know what I know.  I don't talk about her to anyone.  This is one grief I can't talk about ... her dying breath was screaming out to me to help her.  I had no way of knowing ... I didn't have a cellphone, then.  I still have the recording in a safe place.  I tried to get certain people to listen to it just after she died ... they wanted no part of hearing her.  This is all I can say ... it hurts too bad.

My son, my only child ... Tommy?  My grief, pain is unlike any I've ever experienced.  A very real part of me is gone forever ... no other pain, grief compares to the loss of my son.  Did it change me?

Yes, it changed me ... I spent several years in a dark world ... only knowing grief, pain ... I was looking inward all that time.  Thank God, I began look outward at life ... wanted to come back, live it to the fullest.  I'm okay, today.  But still I ask this question of myself:  isn't it damn amazing I'm not crazy as Hell today?

I smile because I can remember Tommy being mischievous, twinkle in his eyes asking me this very question:  "Mama, isn't that damn amazing"?

My big, gentle Son, Tommy ... when he was painting/working with a friend.  He was so mischievous, funny ... silly, crazy, wonderful.  I miss him with my very Soul, Heart ... he was a very real part of me.  My child, my only child.