Wednesday, September 30, 2015

I Wish ...

I Wish ...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

I watched the models walk down the walkway.  Each in their glory ... beautiful, polished ... shining bright as a star.

Colors ... textures ... colorful materials ... designs!  Oh, how I wish I had persued my dream of being a fashion designer as a young girl.  Instead ... I chose to be an adult that I wasn't ready to be.

The canvases of portraits, scenery painted in many colors ... line each side of the hallway. I walked by each slowly to take in all the colors, the pure beautiful art someone did by hand.  Oh, how I wished to be the artist I always wanted to be!

Colors, more colors ... many wonderful colors ... I would be surrounded in all the colors more than the rainbow if I were either an artist ... fashion designer.  Oh my ... colors mean the world to me!

I watched the mechanic's hands as he worked on a car.  I watched until I knew exactly what to do.  Oh, how I wished to be a mechanic in addition to all the other wishes of what I wish to be!  I could always help someone if their car broke down ... help myself.

I can put things together ... through time I have amazed my own self ... I can take things apart carefully ... put them back together again.  I am mechanically inclined.  I can use a hammer, a wrench.  I can do a lot of things ... I did as a young woman ... who would have thought a girly-girl dressed in beautiful dresses, high heels could do such?

I remember once being dressed to the max ... having a flat tire.  I knew how to change my flat tire.  I knew I would have to take my high heels, stockings off to be able to bend down to do it.  I would have to pull my tight skirt up above my knees.  As I had made my mind up to go into action ... a man stopped to help me.  I never let him know I could do it on my own.  I was just a girly-girl.  I appreciated it very much, plus he kept smiling at me.

I watched the doctor, nurses work over patients as they came into the ER.  Each one administering medicines orally, by injection.  I wished to be a doctor ... a nurse.  Instead, I worked between the ER and registration office.  I got to hold hands, pat someone to give comfort ... to show caring, speak soft, kind, sincere words.  I wanted to help everyone.  That was all I could do ... I wasn't a nurse, a doctor ... I wished.

There are many things I wished to be.  I wished to be a lawyer to fight for people.  I would have been Hell to be reckoned with if I believed in someone.

I wished to be a millionaire ... I promise you I would have helped thousands of people without them having to know it was me.  I wouldn't need credit for good things I would want to do.  I would want to create miracles ... I would wish to make everyone happy in the world.  I could be happiest knowing I did good.

I wish.

Note by Author:

I truly wished to be many things ... I could never focus on one thing.  I reflect on my life ... and see the many opportunities I never took advantage of.  I regret that.  I have a lot of regrets.  I wish ...

True thoughts, wishes and photo owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter.

The Wind Kept My Body in the Air!

The Wind Kept My Body in the Air!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

We were sitting inside the garage.  There were picnic tables for all to sit at.  There was a big storm going on outside.  The wind was blowing something fierce ...

I heard something by my left ear ... like air pressure.  I barely had time to look to my left at the huge garage door ... the bottom of it was lifting up.  The wind was lifting it!

I dove to the floor for safety, trying to get to the others sitting by the garage wall.  The wind kept my body up in the air as I fought to get to the cement floor.  I was at least 6 inches from the floor!

Everyone was screaming for me to "come toward Sylvia!"  I was trying hard to get to the floor.  Hell had broke loose in the garage ... I knew I was going to die.

The strange thing is that my cousin Sylvia died in an awful wreck in 2005 ... a log truck hit her head-on.  Everyone was yelling to me, "come toward Sylvia!"

I woke up ... still feeling the nightmare I had been in.  It took a little time for me to wake up.  I sat there thinking about the dream I had just woke up from.

I have been concerned about the weather we could get on Sunday from the big storm off our coast.  It will pack high winds, and lots of rain.

I felt like I had come through a real hurricane ... my dream was so real.  One thing that stands out was that I was face down ... looking at the cement floor ... trying to land on it ... the wind kept my body in the air!

Note by this author:

Photos/true account of my dream owned, written by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Everything is Okay ...

Everything is Okay ...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I have been under the weather, and now ... I feel much better.  I don't complain whenever I get sick ... why?

Because I'm lucky to be here ... lucky to be living in the first place.  I do sometimes, cry when I am feeling extra pain.  I'm just not perfect at all.  But, I don't complain ... whine 'woe is me, why me?'

I am a 16 year survivor of non-Hodgkins lymphoma ... I shouldn't be here today.  Can you imagine how I felt when the oncologist told me those very words several months ago?  I know I am fortunate to have another chance at life.  I treasure it.

I almost died with congestive heart failure since battling cancer.  I almost died when my son died. Those are just three battles I have come through out of many.  Like the strong redwood tree ... I am still standing.

Once in a while I stop writing for a week or so, if I'm not well.  I have a 'million' health problems now ... but, that's okay ... I'm here :)  I begin writing as soon as I'm better.  Just know I will be back as soon as possible ... I miss keeping in contact.  I miss you.

Everything is okay ...

Note by this author:

Photos/ writing owned by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Grief is When One is Trapped in a World of Pain ... and Can't Get Out

Grief is When One is Trapped in a World of Pain ... and Can't Get Out
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

How can one distinguish the difference between pain, grief for a mother, father, sister, brother ... child, husband, wife?  Can it be measured?

I've had a lot of people tell me they have lost a loved one, but ... they knew their grief wasn't as bad as mine.  They knew they grieved deeply ... because of loving someone very much.  But ... it couldn't be as bad as ... losing a child.

I've thought about this often.  Can pain, grief be measured?  How?  I know my pain, grief over losing my son who was my only child ... has been the worst pain I've ever suffered in my entire life.  Truthfully ... it almost cost me my life, also.

How can I say your pain, grief isn't as great as mine?  I can only say I know how it feels to feel the worst pain in the world that I've ever experienced ... in my entire life.

I can't tell you that my pain is greater than you.  You feel it ... you hurt, grieve.  Your heart is devastated.  You only know your pain is great.  You are in a sea of pain trying not to drown.

I feel your pain is just as great.  I've known grief and pain my whole life ... each time I went through grieving ... I never thought consciously about how much greater my pain was than someone else's.

I never thought about if my pain, grief was greater than anyone's.  I could only see, feel my pain ... I couldn't go past it until ... I learned to cope, accept it.  Death of a loved one ... takes years to accept, years to deal with knowing there's nothing you can do to bring them back.  Years of learning to live life without that special someone.

Grief, pain has been all my life ... I've never known very long periods of time without either.  It's a part of me that I wish I didn't know so well.  Since it is a very real part of me ... I've learned over time to somehow ... be positive.  Easier said than done ...

How can one be positive when one's mind is like a room with the light turned out.  All they know is pure darkness, being trapped inside with thoughts ... the most terrible pain in their heart.

Every thought becomes torture like having hot water poured on one ... you can't stop twisting, turning for the pure, raw pain.  This goes on ... 'forever'.

Some people can never come out of it ... you see them.  They are the people whom you never see smile again.  The sunshine is gone from their lives ... some never want it back because of pure anger at the world, God ... for taking their loved one.

We all have options ... no matter what someone says ... we all make the choice of ... getting better ... accept what has happened ... go on to live the rest of our lives the best we can.   I can't believe I've made it past the worst ... have gotten off the terrible part of the road of my journey ... of learning to live without my son.

Some people can't find their way back to living without their loved one.  Some people go on to die ... they can't accept they will never see that person again.

I really know how that feels.  My God!  My child has died ... Oh my God!  I won't ever see him again!  I can't, I can't live with this knowledge!

These kind of thoughts were in my mind ... panic, fear ... oh no!  I won't ever see my son again!  I didn't know he left on vacation to leave on another journey ... die!  NO!

Birds panicking ... trapped in a cage ... beating their wings against the bars.  Let me out, let me out!  Wings beating until they fall to the floor in exhaustion ... darkness surrounds them.  It begins over and over, and over again ... never-ending.  It still happens to me when I least expect it.

This doesn't describe grief, pain as it really is.  If you felt like you didn't have any breath as you read this ... you get a sense of not being able to breathe because of being trapped ... grief is when one is trapped in a ... world of pain ... and can't get out.

You can't get away from yourself ... you are a room with no light.  Any conscious thought is pure torture ... you try to hide from yourself.  Time stands still ... you don't know what goes on around you.

You take medicine you truly aren't aware of what it can do to you, how potent it is ... some people overdose easily from it.  Some people ... almost die ... never knowing they, themselves are standing on the doorstep of Death.

I slept the sleep of death ... only Skip and our Pups kept me alive ... Skip saved my life.  I wouldn't have known to.  I only knew the pills the doctor gave me ... made me somehow be able to think the world was okay when it wasn't.  I was trying to kill the pain that was ... killing me.  I wasn't strong enough for this battle.

I didn't have any idea I was taking too many at ... one time.  I still don't know the name of those pills to this day ... I don't recall ever finding the bottle when I began to get better.

I still go through periods of grief.  Lately I have felt it once again ... September is the month my mom, and my Grandma Alma died in.  Neither one died in a 'good' way ...

So many people I truly loved have died ... family members I truly loved most as a child, growing into adulthood.  These people were 'the very ones' who were important in my life.  Death after death, death after death until they were all gone ... on both sides of my family.

No, I don't think we can measure pain, grief.  I can only describe grief as being trapped in a world of pain ... and not being able to get out.

Note by this author:

Photo/ true feelings on grief, pain are owned, written by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

Tomorrow I could think about grief, pain ... and write it in all new words.  It would still be the same ... grief is being trapped in a world of pain ... and not being able to get out.    

Sunday, September 20, 2015

I Was Seeing Tommy ... Time Stood Still

I Was Seeing Tommy ... Time Stood Still
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

My son, Tommy ... and his son, Taban
(Photo owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee)

The man walked by the freezers sitting in the frozen meat department of Walmart.  He was a little over six feet tall.  He had strawberry-blonde hair ... it was cropped close to his head.  He wore gold-rim glasses.

He was a handsome man.  I couldn't help but, stop ... watch him as he moved around with his family.  I heard his voice ... it made me smile ... tears came into my eyes.  He had a soft voice.

A little boy ran around him, his mother, and sister.  He was saying something to his daddy.  The man reached down, touseled the little boy's hair ... that was just like his daddy's.  I felt a pain in my Heart ... like someone reaching inside my chest ... squeezing it.

The man looked over, saw me ... nodded his head, smiled.  Just like Tommy would do to a stranger.  Polite, nice.

Emotion welled up inside my chest ... I felt the urge to cry.  Tears rolled in a warm flow down my cheeks.  Anyone watching me as I was watching the man would wonder why this middle-aged woman stood ... watching a younger man.

No one would know that for a few moments ... I was seeing Tommy.  I was seeing Tommy, my son ... my only child ... in the person of this man.  I was hearing Tommy ... hearing my grandson, Taban ... as they joked, played.

The world stood still ... I could only watch.  I forgot where I was.  I wanted to go over ... to look closer to see how much the man looked like Tommy in the face.  I was fascinated at how much he resembled Tommy.  At that moment ... I was seeing Tommy.

Note by this author:

I know it is always going to be someone to remind me of Tommy.  Tommy is my son who died May 29, 2010.  He collapsed on the beach (Myrtle Beach) ... died ... he was doing what he was looking forward to doing.  That was playing with Taban, his 3 year old son.

Tommy and his family arrived at Myrtle Beach that evening to spend a week.  He made it in time ... to go on his final journey.  No one knew Tommy had 3 blockages to his heart.  He didn't know it.

I cry for Tommy.  My tears are silent ... there's no crying aloud.  I grieve in silence.  My grief has been silent since that evening.  I never bother anyone with something they can't possibly help me with.

For five years ... I have worked through this grief.  For the first three years I couldn't face it ... I stayed somehow in darkness.  I couldn't cope living life without my precious son in it.

Thank God for my keyboard ... it has seen such grief, pain ... all silent.  Thank God for all of you who have been with me on this journey in my life.  I almost didn't make it to ... today.  I smile now ... everything is alright.  No matter how bad ... everything gets alright ... maybe not like before, but ... to the point where one can go on.

Photos/true story are owned, written by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee  #Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Saturday, September 19, 2015

I Want to Know How that Feels Again ... Before I Die

I Want to Know How that Feels Again ... Before I Die
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/aka GeeGranny

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Well ... I went to the doctor yesterday.  When I was weighed, I found out I'd lost 7 more lbs.  I'm so proud of that ... but, it sure isn't easy to do!

I have been keeping a food journal for the past month.  I mean I write everything ... really everything I eat ... drink.  Do you know what?  It's hard to hide what one eats when you keep a food journal.

I noticed as time went by that I began to change my eating habits.  I have been eating non-fat, sugar-free foods.  I also, am eating smaller portions.

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

The one thing I am very proud of is ... I haven't drank a carbonated drink in a month.  Truthfully, I had cut down to only one Diet Pepsi a day for months prior to dieting.  So ... before I knew it ... I had come this far and I haven't missed drinking one!  It's amazing.

My mind is on wearing smaller clothes, dressing pretty as I once did.  There's no way ... I'm only saying this about myself so, don't take it personal if you are overweight ... I could look so pretty in clothes right now.  Well, I know I can look neat, and okay ... I mean the way I have in my mind's eye the way I want to look.

Being 'older' ... doesn't mean someone is going to give up, cut off all their hair and get a tight perm, dress in 'old' clothes.  Hell no ... that's not for me.  I don't knock it for anyone else ... I'm just not going to do it.  

I feel I've missed a lot of years on my life from battling cancer, grieving the loss of family members, the loss of everything in a house fire ... the worse, the loss of my son.  I've been through so much shock, pain, grief.

I want some of those years back ... and I'm taking them back.  I laid claim to them a month ago.  I've lived with myself since 1998 ... in so many 'bad' states of mind.  Years have gone by without me realizing it.  

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny

I've thought about weight-loss surgery.  I may or may not do that.  Time will tell.  I don't know that I would ever discuss it 'if' I did that.  It's an option.  I've been studying this for the past couple of years ... watching, listening until I'm very familiar with it.  So, there's no need to tell me not to, or what the risks are ... if I decide to do it ... I already know.  I have support if I decide to do it.

For now, the weight is coming off slowly.  The food journal makes me accountable for what I eat during the day.  It wouldn't be any fun to have to write down 'a lot' of bad foods I've eaten ... I couldn't bear it.  So, I have to be careful of the portions, and what I eat.  

I drink a lot of water throughout each day.  That's so good for everyone, not just me.  We all need 64 oz. water every day.  I just simply drink all through the day.  I drink a lot of decaf ... unsweet tea, also.  I drink one cup of decaf coffee with a little cream each morning.

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny

I have a plastic tub with sweaters inside ... new, beautiful sweaters that I bought over the years.  I never wore them because when putting them on ... I felt 'too fat'.  I'm excited now ... when it gets cold, I will begin pulling them out.  

I know there are others who are on this road in their life ... who want to lose weight.  Like me ... they probably have a ton of smaller clothes in their closet they can't wear.  All because of gaining weight.

I gave a 'closet of clothes' away one month ago.  I meant not to ever wear the big clothes again.  I have a few clothes left so, I have to lose weight.  

I messed up one time this month ... almost went back to being the same old way ... accepting being overweight ... accepting eating what I wanted ... accepting I would grow into an over-weight, old woman one day.  

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny

I looked around me when being out at the people who have gone that path.  I can't do it ... I just can't do it.  I didn't see any happy expressions on anyone's face.  I could tell the extra weight made them feel self-aware, made them feel awful.  

Do you notice I don't speak in a 'bad' way about people being overweight ... me being overweight?  I try not to.  I understand how it feels to need to lose weight.  I know better ... I used to be the 'perfect' weight ... somehow, I got lost along the way.  I see I'm not the only one.

I would be the last person to tell someone to lose weight.  Why?  Because I know I don't have to tell them 'what they already know'.  I know they know ... I am, have been one of them.  Being overweight is always in my mind almost every moment of the day.

I wish everyone well who is on this same path I'm on.  I have lost enough weight now ... to make me feel very excited about the future.  I know I want more of this good feeling.  :)  I can't change that I'm getting old, but ... I can change how I feel, look.

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny

Note by this Author: 

Since the summer until today ... I have lost 28 lbs since the summer.  It hasn't been easy at all.  The truth is ... at least for me ...  food makes me fat.  Snacking makes me fat ... eating whatever, whenever makes me fat.

Do you know how hard that was to admit?  Food ... too much of ... makes me fat.  In today's time ... oh my, when out and about ... I can't believe all the people I see now, who are fat.  It makes it easy to just let go and be like everyone else.  No one will lack for company today.

I am getting older, and I want to know once again how it feels to get into pretty clothes again ... look pretty again.  I told Skip that I want to know how that feels again ... before I get old, and die.

Photos/true story owned, written by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

I am Still Standing Tall ...

I am Still Standing Tall ...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Fall is here once again.  It's my most favorite time of the year.  I love fall colors.  Warm orange, red, gold, green, yellow, brown leaves blowing in the nippy air!

I know, I know ... I'm a little ahead of myself.  Fall is only 'just here' ... we've only felt a little nippy air so far.  Well, it was enough to make me feel very happy!  I love Fall!

I love to dress in warm clothing to ward off the cold.  This year is going to be so much more fun.  Why?  Losing weight makes all the difference in how I will feel, dress.  Did I say I look forward to Fall?

I love the festivals, State Fair, holidays that are on the way.  Yes, I am still sad over the loss of Tommy, my son ... my only child.  I have come so far in my grief ... thank God.  It's been the hardest journey in my life to get through.

I'm glad to be ... this far ... up the road.  In the past year I have found peace inside.  How did I do it?  I don't know if I know how to tell you.

I will say that I have met my grief head-on, never backing down from it.  I have fought it like a bear, giving it all I had.  I have cried an ocean of tears ... lived in darkness not wanting to live knowing my only child had died.

I have been hell .... I have lived in hell inside myself.  I have fought Hell to be here, today.  Everything is going to be alright ... now.  It really is.  I can live now.  I can speak, think of Tommy without crying ... now.

I have written thousands of words full of my grief.  I published a 700-plus page book of my grief.  When I'm gone ... the book will be here to remember Tommy.  The golden-wire and beaded dragonflies will be 'everywhere' to remember Tommy by.  They are the dragonflies I make by hand ... leave for others to find.

I truly look forward to the holidays this year.  I'll be able to smile, be able to be happy.  I haven't been able to do that since Tommy died ... and not being able to see my grandchildren.  I've coped with so much ... now, everything is in place in my mind ... and life is good.

If I never see my grandchildren again ... I can be alright now.  I've had to cope with them as if they are gone, also.  I had no choice.  I have to live ... I want to live.  I'm going to live.

I'm like a huge redwood tree.  I've weathered many terrible storms.  I am still standing strong.

Note by this author:

Life has been very rocky my whole life.  Like the redwood tree ... I've come through many storms.  It's time for the sunshine to shine down on me with its golden, beautiful light.  I will welcome it.

Story/photo owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

I Just Don't Know What to Say

I Just Don't Know What to Say
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Have you ever been in a public place ... see people you like ... yet, you don't want to talk to them?  Why wouldn't one want to talk to them?

Maybe because ... one doesn't know what to say to them.  Maybe ... there's no common interest ... no middle ground to stand on.  You like them ... you should be able to hold a conversation with them.

They seem to like you ... always come up to hug you.  They ... like you ... find it hard to say anything to you, also.  Awkward ... thankfully ... the husbands can talk freely.  Strange.

I feel sad because I was in this situation today.  I liked the person very much, always have.  I just don't know what to say to them.

Note by this author:

Strange enough ... I have several people in my life I really like ... I just can't talk to them because I don't know what to say.  I can't imagine that ever changing to other than what it is.  They don't know how to talk to me either.  Sometimes, people don't know how to take me.  Sometimes, I don't know how to take them ... either.

Photos/true story are owned by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

I Take Responsibility ...

I Take Responsibility ...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

What does it mean today to say 'I take responsibility'?  I've been noticing politicians saying it lately.  I hear people saying it.

All I can see is one can get by with most anything when they say ... 'I take responsibility'.  Do you ever see anyone punished when they use those words?  I don't.

I think those three words are magical ... they take the power away to punish someone.  They are somehow forgiven automatically for what they do.  People go on to forget what they were in an uproar over when they hear those words.

So ... does that mean if someone does really bad things ... all they have to do is say ... 'I take responsibility'.  This seems to put an invisible shield around them ... they can get by with their actions.

Note by this Author:

I have been paying close attention to the news ... hearing these words over and over ... 'I take responsibility'.  I just shake my head ... those words are magical ... that means people can get away with doing bad, wrongful things.

This is strictly my opinion ... a Gloria Opinion.  You might agree with me ... who knows.

Photos, article owned, written by me.  #Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.