Monday, February 15, 2016

Raising Hell ... Quietly

Raising Hell ... Quietly
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

My old friends paid me a visit this morning ... I've not let them visit me very often in the past.  Why?  My old friends are ... also, my old enemies.

Who are they, you ask?  They are Anger, Bitterness, Hate ... Disgust, and Sadness.  I try to keep them all at bay.  They can be good friends when you need them ... the worst of enemies when you don't.

I try to never let them consume me ... because my soul would surely burn in Hell one day.  Today ... I let my old friends come to visit me for a little while.  Why?

Because ... I'm allowing myself to be pissed off, angry, mad ... hate, feel disgust ... and I let myself feel sadness.  Why?  Because I'm not perfect enough ... to get past such ugly feelings.  I'm human.

God, how I try very hard to be the best person I can be ... now, look at me this morning ... I'm an ugly, bad person.  That's right ... I kicked 'family' ... 'friends' off my social media.  I kicked their asses right off.  Am I proud?  No.  Am I glad I did?  Hell yes!

Did you give them enough time on your social media to speak to you, to be a part of your life there?  Hell yes ... years!

Did they make you feel good being there at all times when you turned on your social media?  Hell no!  They were always there 'watching' until I couldn't take it anymore.  They were watching my life, judging.  Why did they have such an interest in you?  Why?

Because I happened to be born with the same bloodline they have in their veins ... no more, no less.  I'm so and so's daughter ... like it makes a damn.  No one cared about me as a child ... why the f__ do they began to ... care ... at this late day and age?

Especially the ones I grew to not like many years ago.  They were the opposite of ... me.  They went on to play their little games we were taught as children.  Games that hurt others ... destroy others ... no matter the cost.

Am I like that?  Hell no.  I mind my own business ... I ask few questions ... and take care of my life ... I never get into another person's life.  I don't want to ... I'm not going to.  I'm not going to sit, talk about them ... either.

What did you say, Bitterness?  I can kick your ass out of here now, if you make Anger show up again!  Yes, I am allowing myself to feel a little bitterness but, no longer than to not think about ... things.

F__ !  Here's Anger stepping around the corner.  Damn if I don't feel mad, pissed off ... and upset.  Hellfire!  I never wanted to become close to anyone in my family (well, there are less than my fingers on one hand I would be close to ... but, in this life ... we can't.

We all have too many scars to bear ... from just being our mothers' children ... being born into a hot, scalding bath of water.  We have been burned by the flames of life ... truly Hell.  There's no erasing all that's happened to any of us.

We are forever scarred, damaged ... burned.  Hell no ... you can't see the scars ... they are invisible ... and hidden by a smile.  Don't you even try to look closely at my eyes ... I won't let you see a damn thing.  I'm angry ... thanks a lot, Anger!

Looky at who walks into the door?  Why it's pure Hate!  I don't know if I want you to visit or not ... I really don't want to hate anyone ... but, I've never forgot ... hating as a child.  Hating the physical abuse, mental abuse ... of my 'family' ... even my cousins my age whom I loved with my little girl Heart.

I am hating knowing as an adult ... the one cousin I looked up to, loved the ground she walked on ... is the very one to cause my other cousin to hurt me badly.  She thought it was funny.  That's pure evil to laugh when you are a little child ... sit, laugh at another child as its blood flows out from a deep, long gash.  What's wrong with that picture?

My cousin, whom was like my brother .... pushed my little ass in a red wagon into a deep ditch by the street (my other girl cousin told him what to do).  He turned me over a broken gallon glass jar.  I remember screaming ... then, confusion, darkness ... and my step-father carrying me in his arms with a cast on my leg all the way to my thigh.

The cut is like a 'L' on the back of my thigh to this day ... it's big ... so, it was really big when it happened to a little girl leg.

It was just in the past year when I mentioned the accident ... talking with a girl cousin (one I never stayed in touch with until she called when my only child died) ... she told me something that hurt me.  She laughed when she told it.  Did she not realize what she caused?

She told my boy cousin to push me in that ditch, turn me over in the wagon.  I'm not certain she saw the broken gallon glass jug.  I was too stunned to ask.

Tell me things from the past can't still hurt you as an older person ... I'll tell you ... you are a lie.

Yes, Hate ... I am hating her at this moment thinking about the laughter in her voice as she told me.  Yes, Anger ... I'm mad as Hell.  Am I feeling it ... bitterness?  Yes, Bitter ... you got me this time!

Okay ... I've had about enough ... I never let my old friends linger long.  It's time to kick their asses out the door.  Hate, Bitterness, Anger ... Disgust ... wait a minute, Sadness ... I need you to stay a little longer.

I feel so sad today ... for letting my old friends visit ... Hate, Bitterness, Anger ... Disgust   ... this is a time when they were needed to make me stronger.  I did something today I've been thinking of doing for a long time.

I 'let go' ... 'friends' ... 'family' on my social medias, today.  I'm sad I did ... but, in the long run when I get over doing it ... I'll be better mentally.  It doesn't mean I did it out of meanness ... if it wasn't good for me ... it couldn't have been good for them either.  I did us all a favor ... I can 'let go' when I need to ... also, I am big enough to say ... 'no'.

I don't want to be close to anyone who is being close for the wrong reasons.  I don't want fake relationships in my Life.  I'm used to being a loner ... living my life, minding my own business.  Yet, when I go out ... I love everyone, have many friends.  I have many friends on my social medias.

I made a mistake thinking at this day and age ... I could gain family members ... entertained the idea of seeing them one day ... laughing, talking, trusting them ... after all isn't that what family is about?  No ... it can never be in my life.  We were burnt by Hell ... it left many unseen scars ... they are healed over ... but, still hurt underneath.  My childhood scars hurt really bad ... lately.

Tomorrow ... everything will be alright again.  I am not perfect ... but, I think I made the right decision to 'let go' of people who wouldn't acknowledge me ... they were just watching ... sitting there.  I am letting one old friend linger around a little bit ... Sadness at how Life has to be.

Now ... I'm through raising Hell ... quietly.

I've been raising Hell quietly today ... I don't need to make a loud scene. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Note by this Author:

I couldn't bear it any longer ... I let go of people whom for some time I have wanted to remove from my Life.  The more I learned about how they are still the same from many years ago ... I knew I couldn't be close to them.  I grew from all the hatred, anger, bitterness, disgust ...

I'm a positive person.  I am a good person.  I know all the people I 'let go' today ... are good people ... but, not 'good people in my life'.

I still have a memory from not long ago when a cousin told me she was going to go see another cousin at their job ... force them to say to their face they didn't want a relationship with them.  I was so surprised and wondered, 'why in the world would someone travel over a couple thousand miles to do such a thing?'

I can't judge them but, when I let go of that person today ... I knew I had to say I was letting go, I didn't want them in my life ... so, they can know for sure there's no doubt.  I don't want anymore contact.

In my mind ... I look back at family who removed themselves when I was a child ... I think ... 'now, I know why'.  Only I'm not disappearing ... I'm holding my ground where I stand.

See ... I told you I'm not perfect.  I'm so glad I never claimed I was.  I really wish I was ... I'm not, won't ever be ... no matter how hard I try to be.  Sometimes, I still get pissed off, angry ... I hate, feel disgusted ... get bitter for a few minutes.  Now ... it's all gone ... in the past ... I 'let go' of that, also.

Photo/true story owned, written by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

1 comment:

  1. It is sad to have to let go of someone a person has loved and cared about all their life.I don't have any real close friends myself. I find it hard to trust them. I let go of some "so called friends" a few years ago too. I do hope and pray that things will start to look better for you very soon. You know I am always here for you. Love, Ms. Nancy