By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter
Yes, I know you think ... does she think like that? Does she get angry, pissed off? No! People who smile all the time ... don't do that!
Yes, they do! Yes, they do! The difference between them ... and me is ... I'll tell you I'm pissed off, mad, angry. I won't rave, rant, be ugly ... I'll tell you in a nice way that I am. I'll smile, talk nice to you while I'm angrier ... than Hell ... all in a very quiet way ... and I'll look you in the eye.
I told you I'm not perfect ... in fact, I know many ... perfect ... people who show their ass. They don't care if they hurt others ... they want to destroy, hurt others. Well ... that's where the differences between them ... me ... end. I don't want to hurt anyone ... destroy anyone. I still love, care ... unlike most people ... they hate.
The flames have reached from the past over the past months from my home as a child ... Hell. They've been burning me on the inside ... until a lot of ... old anger has come to life. The flames of Hell ... have been ... fanned.
Now ... for the first time in so long ... I'm in a really bad mood ... I even feel that awful anger ... I feel disgust ... I'm on fire ... inside. No ... you won't ... can't see it. Why? I'm going to smile at you ... you aren't going to know it. You'll only see it as I release it through my fingertips ... as it flows like lava down the mountain. These words aren't like a river ... flowing freely with words.
I won't let it burn others while it flows on its way ... but, I will let it cleanse as it makes me strong enough ... to let go ... of people, things that make me to dare feel these feelings again. I grew up all these years never wanting to think about, feel these feelings again. I kept all the people who make me feel pain ... out of my life ... until ...
Until my son, my only child died ... then, that was to find out all the details to see if he ... like a lot of people in my family ... died from overdose of drugs. No one was interested when they found out my son died from ... 3 blockages to his heart at the age of 40. So, since that wasn't interesting enough ...
They began trying to find out all about me ... my life I've kept private all these years. Think about this ... no one had the nerve to do that when I was very strong ... they picked the very time when I was the weakest I have ever been, including when I nearly died from my battle with cancer.
They picked the time when all I could do is cry ... not think well. With a sweet smile, a kind ... comforting voice ... they fooled me. I wasn't on guard to know ... hey, this is my 'family' here! You should know better ... you dumb ass! Stop! They just want to know all your weaknesses ... so, at a later date ... they can bring you down.
It's just a natural-born thing in each of us ... for some reason ... I try never to ... use that talent. It's lethal ... it's awful because when 'in war' ... you are going to destroy the other ... no one left standing. All Hell IS going to break loose. I can't bear to live like that ... I don't want to hurt anyone ... even my enemies.
BUT ... if I'm ever pushed or forced to ... then ... pure Hell will break out ... non-stop until I either win ... or die. Simple as that. If I'm forced to ever be ugly ... I'm going to show someone ... UGLY.
All these years ... I've stayed away from ... 'Family'. Each time, through time ... I've strayed near because of kindness, 'love', a sweet smile, comforting voice ... the flames of Hell licked my ass. Every time ... I was ... lured close enough ... my ass was set on fire.
You'd think I had learned my lesson. Nothing has changed ... it can't ... when a black widow spider has babies ... they are cannibalistic ... all don't survive to ... grow up. They want to bite, eat someone's ass ... get them out of the world so, they can survive.
I was one of those 'spiders' ... I survived. Only ... as I became older ... I did it by ... disappearing ... running away from Hell ... getting married too young. I stayed away from the other ... spiders ... kept them out my life by keeping many miles between us.
Through time ... once in a while I would yearn for family contact, wish for some kind of love from a crazy-ass, wild-ass ... mean-ass family that I loved dearly. Mistake ... it was always a mistake. Truthfully at my age today ... I can count the very few ... people in my family whom I have great
respect for ... why?
Because they are like me ... realize in order to love 'family' ... you have to stay away to do so. You have to love at a distance ... we are all born from the flames of Hell ... we burn each each other when too close.
It's sad when family can't be close ... magnets placed with 'north pole to north pole ... south pole to south pole ...will turn away from each other'. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Note by this Author:
My readers know by now ... my style of writing ... how I use words to describe real things to make my writing come alive ... I make colors happen in my stories ... true stories. It's my way ...
Sometimes, I read my story for the day to my husband ... I tell him to tell me how my words ... sound, never to ... judge them. I just want to know from him ... how does it sound ... are the words put together where they are understood in the best way.
He worries about my choice of words, sometimes. I told him that those are the words that ... have to be used ... to get across what I am trying to convey. As writers ... we know what we have to do.
Not only that ... we want to entertain as we write ... and sometimes, we get on a roll ... words flow naturally, freely ... and the end result is ... amazing. As a writer ... I get surprised and think ... I couldn't have done it better ... myself. :) I'm being silly, now.
When I write ... I can't a bit more control what each character thinks, does ... anymore than I can you. When I write ... my character comes out naturally ... it's me. You don't have to like me ... of course, if you did ... it would mean the world to me.
If you are looking for a perfect person, writer ... to read ... you may want to go elsewhere ... because I'm not perfect, I write about real life, feelings, grief ... pain. I do it in the best way I know how ... all the while trying not to hurt others.
I never intend to hurt anyone ... never. Though I stay away ... and have 'let go' of a bunch of people in the past several days ... know that I love them, care ... it's just healthier for them to go on their way ... me to go my way.
Someone has to get the backbone to make it happen ... otherwise, everyone will stay in the same old 'rut' they wish they were out of. I got us out of it. I was strong enough to ... mentally ... I had to. I got to the point of ... I can't take anymore ... it's a dead-end street ... let me get the hell out of here. Simple as that ... I got the hell out.
I have enough weight on my shoulders ... weight no one can see. That weight combined with the weight I just took off my shoulders ... has given me a chance to rest, breathe ... thank God I had the strength to do what I did.
Now ... to get the flames of Hell to burn out ... I'll be alright once again. That's easier said than done ... because to get to this point of living anger from the past ... the flames keep igniting each time I put them out. I won't stop until the last flame has gone away.
Photo/true story colored by words ... owned, written by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.