Thursday, March 31, 2016

I Choose My Battles ... I Won This War Many Years Ago ... I Survived, Grew Up

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter.

Learning to ... let go ... in life is hard to do. Sometimes, there comes times when one has to accept some things can't change, has to be. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

Gloria Faye Brown Bates as a little girl ..........................

I will write MY LIFE, MY STORIES anytime, anywhere ... any way I want to write them.

If you happened to be in them when I was very young ... and YOU affected my life ... I will write it.  I won't ever call names ... I respect privacy.  

You write what you want to about YOUR FAMILY in the way you remember, know ... that's your choice ... that is what you know you remember, experienced in your young life.

I will write the things that happened to me as a child ... and if it offends any ... remaining family that happens to be related to me ... and I will add ... that I never grew up with to know at all ... you will have to cope with it.  My life is NOT about you ... my life is about myself and the ones who touched it, shaping it with their hands, their actions.

As for 'writing material' ... MY WHOLE LIFE ... IS my writing material.  Anything that touched, affected MY LIFE is mine to write about.  I don't write to hurt others ... but, if you take it personally ... you choose to do that.  The people that existed when I was a child ... don't exist today.  The children have grown up to be someone else .... people I don't know ... people I'll never know ... strangers.  

If I really wrote about 'some things' that happened ... you'd be shocked.  If I wrote names of the ones who inflicted things on me as a child ... it would be some of my ... family's fathers, uncles.  I don't name names because for years I've never told anyone ... and I don't have even one reason to name them.  Their actions shaped me, made me very strong.  It no longer matters ... who ... done what. What matters is ... how it made me become as a whole person.

Did I grow up to forgive?  Oh yes, I forgave many years ago.  I don't know how I grew up to be a positive, forgiving person who has compassion, cares with my very Heart ... God knows all that was inflicted on me as a child was just the right formula ... to make me be the most negative person in this world.  

Was I an angry child, person growing up ... oh, Hell yes!  My anger was hotter than Hell I grew up in.  Over time ... when I say that ... over many, many years ... the anger faded into the background.  Did it go completely away? 

NO.  I can still become very angry ... at the unfairness in this big, old world ... at the awful things that happen to people over this big-ass world.  I am for the under-dog ... I become angry at anyone who hurts, mistreats handicap people, homeless people, and children, and animals.  

I would have a very horrible punishment for people ... 'if' it were up to me to mete out the punishment for people hurting the ones I just mentioned.  People would be afraid to mistreat, hurt someone ... my punishment would be swift, no questions asked.  So, it's a good thing I don't have that power.

Getting back to 'family' ... I have no family left that I even know.  I never grew up with the ones who are ... related.  If it upsets you that I can't bond with you ... I really am sorry.  I truly am.  I just can't ... I have tried, and I'm so sensitive to people ... all it takes is one little word, action ... and I 'let go' in an instant.  It's impossible for me to 'bond with you' ... I've tried ... can't ... won't ever try again.  It's all gone ... it will never be.  I send you love, please go your way ... I don't want you in my life.  

I have one more thing to say ... concerning a letter I received yesterday.  When it is thought that I would cause someone in your family not to want anything else to do with you ... you assumed I caused that.  Not so.  Assuming I would do something like that ... thinking I would play that 'old family game' I grew up in ... is like slapping me in the face.  I would never do that.  If it happened, you did something I don't know about.  So, no ... I have nothing to do with anything that affects your life ... except ... me.  

I keep my ass out of it.  I don't want to waste time 'being family' anymore ... it isn't going to work ... we don't have anything in common ... anything to create a solid bond.  We are toxic to each other ... our whole family was like that growing up.  I don't want it in my life.  Life is very hard for me ... I don't need you adding to it. 

Go your way peacefully, forget me.  I don't choose to let anyone in my life because ... I don't need anymore negative to fight.  I've tried to tell you ... the one who keeps on and on ... in the nicest of words, the nicest of ways ... please leave me alone.  

Please go on with your life ... all these years we've not communicated, gotten to know each other .... we can't possibly connect ... at this time in my life.  I will always remember, love the child I remember you were ... only with a difference since knowing you caused the accident that hurt me.  I still love that child ... but, through time I never got to know you.

Another thing ... you said all I wanted was to having writing material having to do with you.  Don't be vain ... my life's story isn't about you ... you only affected it in a couple of ways when I was a child, and a teenager.  If you affected my life in good or bad ways ... I AM going to write it ... but, no one will ever know it was you, except ... you.  

If you take it personally ... I'm so sorry because, it might not be ... about you ... if it is ... it's about a child in my childhood days ... a different person than you are today.  No one won't recognize you ... no one knows you ... if you feel you are the one it's about ... then, it must be you ... and only if you tell it, yourself ... no one will ever know it was ... you.

Just simply quit reading my life ... simply live only your life.  Quit trying to begin a war ... I choose my battles, this isn't one of them. I won this one many years ago ... I survived, I grew up ... and now, I'm fearless, strong.  I AM NOT going to fight it again.  I'm just not, and that's just the way it is.  In fact, I am not going to give it anymore words than I've given as I write here today.

I don't want to see anyone when anyone comes to North Carolina. I don't ... even I can't explain exactly 'why?'  I just ... can't.  I won't force myself.  You don't know me at all ... I don't know you at all.  I feel no connection.  

I'm no one to you, and you are strangers to me that I wish the best for.  I have no hard feelings toward anyone, and being open, honest ... probably has created hard feelings toward me  ... I'm a big girl, I can handle that. Sometimes ... life has to be like that. Just say I'm the one who turned their back ... on family I never had, nor knew.  I don't know you ... I just don't know you.  

You are family I don't know, and when I see the same things I grew up in ... I don't want to know, be a part of. Simple as that.  Please leave me alone.  The family I knew ... even if they weren't perfect at all (I'm damn-sure not perfect) ... were the ones who were my foundation ... family I knew ... they have all died, leaving me alone with no family.

If you think I caused someone to turn against you ... you are so wrong.  If I can't help you, I would sure not hurt you.  I am not like the ... family ... I grew up in.  I don't blackmail ... turn others against others ... cause grief, or try to destroy the other family member.  I don't work in an underhand fashion trying to destroy you ... while pretending to love, not understand 'why' someone doesn't like you.  Go play your games in the family you know ... I'm just as much a stranger as anyone you'll meet out here on the street.

God knows with all going on in my life ... I don't have the time, mind, or energy to go about ... hurting others.  That's not 'me'. You knew that, though you said what you did.  You thought it would make me write back a big-ass letter ... I do my writing here. I'm not getting into ugliness like when I grew up ... your letter was a bait to get me into mud-slinging, accusations, just pure ugliness.  I will not bite it ... I don't feel that way at all.  

In fact, I don't feel any way about all of it ... I'm sorry to say ... that's exactly what I expected from you.  I knew you couldn't graciously stay in your own life without ugliness first.  I'm not going to be ugly to you BUT, I will say what I truly feel for the last time ... here.  Please leave me alone, please go back to your own life ... you are crossing a line here ... and I can't allow it ... I won't. So, it's best to forget I am even remotely related to you ... I'm a stranger.

I will go on writing my life ... the people who are alive today from that time ... aren't the same people.  Your life is yours.  I can't live yours, you can't live mine.  You were only in my life for a very short period of time when I was little ... you aren't the ones who did the 'bad' things to me.  Only one person did cause a bad thing to me ... I would have never known if they hadn't told me a couple years ago. 

I don't hold that against you ... our families taught us to be like that when we hated, disliked, became jealous of someone else.  In your mind, a little 5-6 old girl 'got what she deserved'.  This is in reference to when I was pushed into a ditch in a wagon ... the wagon turned over, I was thrown out on top of a broken, gallon, glass jar.  

We were taught to be ugly ... you just did what you had learned ... probably never felt remorse, sadness for causing an awful accident to happen to another little girl.  I still hear your laughter in my mind as you told me you were the one who caused it.  I turned against you at that very moment ... I 'knew' it wasn't possible to ever have a connection with you.  You laughed each time I asked you about doing such a thing ... you seemed proud. I was like ... 'oh my, wow!' 

It cut my leg very badly ... I remember wearing a big cast, and my step-father carrying me in his arms.  I never knew I'd made another female cousin not like me ... be jealous of my boy cousin (the one who was told to push me in the ditch).  I was just a little, innocent girl.  

I carry that big scar today on the back of my right leg.  Just think how bad the cut on my leg was as a little girl ... all because of you being jealous.  I didn't know the meaning of the word ... jealous. How did you ... you weren't much older than I?  I don't hold it against you.  It's no longer important, the damage is done.

When this person told me ... I was in like shock for a short time that someone would want to hurt me so bad ... and for that someone to be a little child, also ... when it happened.  I got over the shock, and I forgave.  I have to say that periodically ... I did, do think about that.  I'm pure amazed.  That tells me to never-ever let that person into my life.  Also, the words that you wrote, written each time ... I don't want to let you, anyone in my life ... they are alarms, also. My doors are closed.

The thing is that I know this one person I've made reference to ... is a good person in her own life ... I can't see how it could be a 'good thing' in ... my life.  I could keep adding other reasons, but ... I won't.  It all comes back to ... I just don't know you all at all.  I only know things that helped to make my mind up ... just like with deciding to be 'friends' with any stranger out here.  This isn't meant to be an insult at all.

I am sorry I have to write this.  I'm not writing a personal letter ... those days are gone.  The letter I received is in the trash can ... I don't play 'family games'... nor do I play accusations that aren't true.  

As for brothers I have in this world ... they've never responded when I tried to connect ... those days are gone.  We'll never know each other in our older life anymore than we did in our whole life ... which means we never knew each other.  I don't appreciate your comments on my brothers ... see, you never knew, or grew up with them either.

We were all split up as children.  I have 2 half brothers, 1 half sister ... I don't know them. There's a natural 'love/hate' thing there, only made worst by the one person who caused my accident as a child.  I already know how you have meddled in saying things about me to them. I don't know them anymore ... than I know you.  

It came to me that you are exactly like an aunt I had ... with all the meanness she had inside her, the poison ... jealousy, anger.  The spite and the 'I'm going to get your ass back if you don't do as I want you to'.  Doesn't work with me ... I'm not afraid.  Anything you want to do, say ... I'm ready to tell my faults, first.  It'll just be more ... writing material for me.

You aren't a nice person ... I know more than you knew that I did. You are like our 'family' who constantly operated like this ... to isolate others from being loved, cared about.  It's you only, who wants to be looked up to, loved and cared about.  I'll leave all that to you ... I'll never compete for anyone's love ... never.  

I love myself, my world.  If I'm ever alone with myself one day ... I'll have myself ... whom I can live with, be happy with.  I'm not going to hurt others ... to be 'king/queen of the mountain' ... at the expense of hurting others to be ... important, self-important. 

(Playing king/queen of the mountain is in reference to a game we played as children ... the children were ruthless in knocking others down the 'mountain'.  Only I couldn't hurt the others like that ... we were just little children).  I was hurt a lot of times.

I know I'm not perfect. I won't steal love, caring from others ... I couldn't live with myself doing that.  Sometimes, they need love, caring ... too.    

Over time I've studied 'you' (the one who caused me to be hurt as a child) ... the things said about you, the things you've done, said to others ... all of these things fell into place.  No, there's no chance of ever trusting you.  I just have to always love you, let go. 

I have one brother who died ... he and I were close, I loved him with my very Heart.  He was my half-brother ... but, we never noticed the 'half'. I've said this many times ... all the very people whom I truly loved, felt a connection to ... have died. Rick-Rick was MY Brother ... he loved me unconditionally ... just as I loved him.  Rick-Rick died ... my only real brother died.

He and I never played games ... we truly saw, knew each other's Heart.  I WAS his sister ... we trusted the other not to hurt the other, and was always there for the other.  That's how sisters, brothers are ... never choosing to take offense at every little thing, going on to live knowing you have a sibling who truly loves you ... for you. You never had to fear that the other was going to turn against you ... never.  I never thought of such ... neither did he.  We were ... real.

It's strange ... the very people who were most important at one time or other ... in my life, died.  I never knew anyone else ... excepting as a small child.  My family died out ... if anyone takes that in a personal way ... it's just an excuse to get angry at someone ... me. I don't have any family left.  If you want to do that ... I'm sorry you are punishing yourself, wasting your time on angry, bad thoughts when you don't have to. You were never a part of my life ... it doesn't mean I hate you ... or thought you turned your back on me ... our lives put us in other states many miles from the other.  Our lives went on ... that didn't include 'us'. 

I don't feel that way about you.  I only wish good things for you as you go your way, live your life ... please leave my life alone.  I am not going to play games, argue back, forwards.  I'm just simply not.

Now ... I need to invent a game called 'Family Games' ... I promise it would be very interesting if based on my life.

As for writing material ... I will write about what I want to.  As for writing about the person who sent me the letter ... I want you to read this, understand that I don't hate you at all.  I don't mean anything 'bad' when I say I don't want you in my life ... I don't disrespect you ... I don't choose to 'war' with you and I definitely will not do that ... you won't win.  I am already the winner ... this war was fought long ago ... I'm still here.  Oh, I survived the accident, too.    

You only played a small role in my life when I was the little girl who was dumped out of the wagon ... onto the broken glass, gallon jar.  That was one of the first most painful memories in my life. You caused that ... I didn't know that until I was an older adult.  I don't hate you for that.  Doesn't matter ... the memory happened ... I wrote about it.  If it gets on my mind again ... I will write about it as I 'turn it around' in my mind to study it.

As for my jewelry ... I never thought you wanted my jewelry.  I don't know where that came from.  I understand you were complimenting it ... thank you.  Each piece has a special, heart-touching story behind it, and I treasure each one.  Thank you very much for liking it. 

I didn't understand when you made a comment about my ring ... that it was a compliment with the words you used ... I still don't understand ... but, I believe you when you said it was a compliment ... I have no other reason to believe otherwise.  Also, it's not important.  I don't try to find fault with you, the things you say.  I'm not perfect at all ... I made a mistake in misinterpreting your meaning.  I can only apologize, sincerely.

I received a letter from you ... the contents stayed on my mind last night when I went to bed.  I gently placed that letter into the trash can, knowing I would never answer it with a written letter.  

Sometimes, we instinctively know when something is a waste of time.  All we can do is to completely 'let go' for good when we see ... nothing can cement a bond with anyone we don't have a connection with.  It's all gone. Sad, but true.  There would never be a trust of each to know one wouldn't hurt the other ... no matter they wouldn't ... but, we wouldn't know that.

I don't want to get to know anyone at this late day, time of my life that is related to me.  There aren't any true connections ... neither of us can help that ... it just is naturally so.  Sadly, when it's been tried ... it gets off to a wonderful beginning ... only to end in a not good way.  I'm just not going to get in that position ever again.  Maybe it's my fault ... I might not know how to connect with people ... especially when I sense they aren't completely sincere.  I'll take the blame ... though, no one has to.  It doesn't matter.  It's just another thing about me ... I can't trust easily, especially if I 'sense something' not good about someone.

If that makes me a bad person, even knowing I'm a good person ... then, so be it.  I'll have to be a 'bad-good person'.  When I choose a war ... it will be for a good reason.  I won't choose useless, empty wars from long ago.  I choose my battles ... I won this war many years ago ... I survived, I grew up.  

I have to live in reality ... I can't live in the past.  Reality is too real for me to waste time on things in the past.  I can't do both ... I don't choose to.

I can only apologize in all sincerity that it is ... me, myself, I ... that can't form a 'family bond' ... it's me.  I can't form bonds that were never there to begin with ... I can't form bonds on memories as much as I wish I could.  It takes two people to fully connect, want it as much as the other, never looking back ... only going forward. I'm only one ... sadly, I don't want to do it anymore.

I'm at fault here ... too much water has passed under the dam ... it's gone so far away now ... I can't go find any of it.  Life today keeps me anchored right ... here.  I'm just so sorry because I admire families who love each other, who are close-knit.  

God knows I've wished for that all my life.  I've accepted I don't, won't have family ... I'm okay with it.  It seems it bothers others ... when it shouldn't.  All these many years I was no one to them ... I only thought of them once in a while ... that was the extent of being related.  We were in no way ever a part of each other's life than I've been a part of a stranger's life.  It just never was.

I don't understand why? it causes anger, accusations ... mean words when I'm staying in my life ... on my side of the line ... when you are clearing crossing the line coming out of your life ... to touch mine.  

I've told you ... I don't want contact ... I don't want you to be in my life ... I don't want to be in yours.  Doesn't mean it's a bad thing at all.  It's pure respect, love, caring ... not wanting to ever be in a position to cause pain ... because that's surely to happen in anyone who is 'family ... our family' ... no one stays close, loyal very long.  

Nothing is permanent ... it never lasts.  I choose to never begin such a relationship ... I've tested the waters ... those damned piranhas bit my feet every damn time!  I'm tired of ... hurting, bleeding.  Now, that my feet have healed ... I've learned my lesson ... be damned if I'll ever let another piranha, nor a black widow spider ... bite my ass, or feet again.  I'll say it again ....

I choose my battles ... I won this war many years ago ... I survived, grew up.

Note by this Author:

This is written to one person in particular ... who will recognize all I've wrote.  I mean it in the nicest way ... for them to go on with their life ... it can't be.  It CAN NOT be.  We are too old now, to waste anymore time ... focus on your big family ... love, pull them close to you.  You are so fortunate to have so many to love you.  

I will focus on my husband, 2 Pups ... they are all I have in this world. I treasure them ... and will protect, care for them.  I don't need to bring grief, strife into my life ... I don't have time to fight wars that are just a waste of time ... I don't feel the need to hurt others ... or have them inflict pain on me, in my life.   

Stay out of my life ... don't write mean letters ... it won't change a thing.  The letter you wrote, I received two days ago ... caused me to do a lot of deep thinking ... hence ... you see above is what I sincerely think.  

I understand where you are coming from ... thank you for telling me the things you did ... I can see how you would think some of them.  How else could you think since ...  you don't know me?  I respect that ... I am guilty of thinking things about people I don't know .... won't ever know unless ... having a real chance of knowing them.  I mean ... what else would you think?

Some of the things only hurt because when as little children, we were close only for a short several years of our life.  I cried over you when you also ... were jerked out of my life when all of us children lived in Hell at Grandma Alma's and George's.  

I never saw you again, excepting the one time when Grandma Alma died. I didn't know you, then .... and never made a connection ... bond to you.  

I don't understand 'now' when we are old, gray ... what the difference is.  Let go now ... just let go.  I love you, I will love you always.

Photo/true story written, owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter.

No comments:

Post a Comment