Friday, June 3, 2016

Some of The Heaviest Things in My Life Are Things I Can't See ...

Some of The Heaviest Things in My Life Are Things I Can't See ...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/aka @GeeGranny on Twitter

You never saw all I carried on my shoulders when my son died ... grief is the heaviest weight a grieving mother can carry. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny

Walking with shoulders stooped ... hard to take a step forward in life.  Walking with all the weight in the world ... sitting on those shoulders.  So many things happen to strike a person down ... getting back up each time.  Time after time ... fall down, get up ... fall down ... get up.

So tired from the invisible weight carried on one's shoulders.  No one can see why a person walks with their shoulders down ... head down, sighing all the time.  They've given up on life ...

Not I ... oh no, not me.  I'm not giving up ... I haven't given up.  I won't give up.  Okay ... the truth is during the first 3 years after my son died ... I did give up.  No one excepting Skip knew how fragile my very life was.  He worried ... I couldn't see his worry for my grief.

Grief ... is the very heaviest weight I ever carried on my shoulders.  No one could see it ... I couldn't see it ... I felt, knew it was there.  I could hardly walk for the heaviness of it all.  It was bigger than I.

Anyone not knowing me ... would see a beaten-down woman who was looking ... inside when walking ... not looking out into this world.  She didn't want to talk to anyone ... she lived in the darkness of pure grief ... there wasn't even a speck of light in her world, her mind.  She/I was the darkness.

No one could see why this woman would look as she does.  No one could see that this woman used to be so happy ... smiling all the time, silly ... funny.  Invisible weight no one could see pushed me to the ground.  For the first time in my life ... I wasn't a positive person ... I wasn't capable of really thinking any further than my grief.

I look back toward that time ... all I see is darkness.  I don't feel like entering that darkness now to describe to you some of those times.  I do that from time to time to show/tell you ... today, I can't.  It takes so much out of me ... for several days after entering the darkness.  I can't get over it easy, because when I do that ... I am in there totally ... facing awful things.

Today ... 6 years later ... I am out of the darkness ... I don't carry the weight of grief on my shoulders, now.  I have coped with the loss of my son in a most positive way.  I realize no matter how much I cry, fight the world because my son died ... it doesn't change a thing.  He isn't coming back.  All I have are my memories ... where I can see, hear him.  It's sad ... but, it is the way of life.  I met it head-on, suffered such pain I could never describe to anyone ... to get to this point in my life.

Even when I tell you how well I've coped ... that I'm at a good place now, concerning Tommy's (my son) death ... doesn't in any way ... diminish the pain of losing my child.  It's just now ... I have grown big enough to hold my grief.  Before ... it was bigger than I.

The grief doesn't hold me down ... weigh my shoulders down as it once did.  Before it was bigger than I ... the heaviest weight I've ever known, or carried.  Now ... I've grown so much stronger that I can carry it inside ... and live, too.  Now ... I'm bigger, stronger than my grief ... I've coped with it.

Sure, once in a while ... the grief finds a way to bring me down ... I only let it happen for a short time until I can get back up on my feet, face it head-on.  Grief does have a way of sneaking up on me once in a while.  I can't let it keep me down ... I have to live until the day I die ... I have my husband, Pups to be here for.  So, I make everything get back all right again.  I smile through my tears ... conjuring up Tommy's sunshine smile that always warmed my Heart.  That's how I find myself smiling away the pain.

So, while all of these things happen inside me ... it's invisible to everyone around me.  They never see a thing ... powerful things that go on in my mind ... other people's minds.  Even I don't see it on others unless, I really take time to see, look, listen.  I can see true pain in a person's eyes ... the eyes are very telling, but ... unless you have time to see ... you'll never know it.

Some of the heaviest things in my life are the ones I can't see.  Grief being the biggest, heaviest of all.  Now ... I'm stronger for it ... before it was bigger than me ... now ... I'm big enough to carry it.  You can't see that, either.

Oh, I do know this, so you will know ... I'm not the only person in this world who carries the heaviest weight no one can see ... I know that truly we all carry something inside us that hurts us.  I care, and I have so much compassion for others.  I don't think only of myself.

Note by this Author:

I was thinking this morning about how holding so much pain inside ... that no one can possibly see ... how heavy that very pain is.  The heaviest weight I ever carried on my shoulders is grief for the loss of my only child.  Six years later ... I am all right ... because I meant to be in a positive way.

Photos/true story owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry about Tommy passing away. He was such a kind and fun loving person. I know he loved you soooo much!! He also loved Skip. There are others that have lost children too and it hurts me to know that someone has lost a child. That must be a pain that is indescribable! I can't imagine what it is like to lose a child. I just know how it feels to lose someone (my nephew) because of a drunk driver. It is a very hurtful thing. As always, I will keep you and Skip in my prayers. Love, Ms. Nancy