Friday, August 19, 2016

Looking Death in its Face ...



My son, Tommy ... born 11-20-1969 ... died 5-29-2016 with 3 blockages to heart.  He is holding his own little son in this photo.





Sometimes when something bothers me ... instead of running ... I take a stand and face it. Death scares me. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.







Looking Death in its Face ...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/aka GeeGranny on Twitter








Lately I have been thinking of ... death.  Yes, death.  No matter that I feel good, and am happy to be alive.  The thoughts of death happen time to time.  I think that happens to everyone ever so often.  We just try to force the thoughts gone.


When I hear some types of music playing on tv ... see beautiful scenes of sea gulls flying ... see seals resting on a sandbar, hear their sounds ... watch birds walk in the waves as they wash ashore ...  I see the beauty of it all ... then my mind thinks ... death!

I begin to imagine a shark ready to pounce on an innocent, unsuspecting seal as it slides into the water to go on its quest for food.  Death ...

Walking by the beautiful water in a swampy area (something I've done when I was very naive!) where there are alligators ... never knowing at a moment's notice ... an alligator could attack and change one's life and cause ... death.  I get cold chills when thinking about it.

Driving down the highway ... enjoying the drive, sights.  One little mistake of another driver ... yourself ... the possibility of ... death.

Sitting on a bank fishing at the river ... not realizing there's a water moccasin snake with its mouth wide open to strike at you ... until moving just in the nick of time ... turning around to see it!  (This happened to one of my friends).  Death ...

Walking along a path covered in fall leaves in a strange place when stopping in the nick of time ... to see something not right.  There's a deep well ... very old ... you could have just simply stepped off into!  Looking down in it ... there are snakes.  This happened to us when we lived in Alabama.  Death ... who's going to come looking for you?  How many snakes are going to bite you.  You are in a deep hole with no way of climbing out.  Death ...

Death ... I try not to think of dying.  Sometimes, it can't be helped so, I let myself do it for a short time.  Who knows ... maybe I can get ideas to write a story, put in a story.  You may find it uncomfortable to think about death ... I do, too ... but, I've had to cope with death over and over for the last 16 years as all of my family down to my only child ... died.  I've lived with death for so long ... now, I face up to thinking about death.  I can no longer deny it ... we all are going to die one day.

I can no longer think it happens to others ... or can't happen to me ... or so and so will be here forever.  Not so.  I am going to die ... one day.  Death is going to come to take me just as it took all my loved ones ... my son.  I'm no better to die than anyone else ... I'm not above dying ... I will die one day.  Death won't be hovering around me ... it will swipe me up and take me into the darkness ... forever.  Just as it will do you ... one day.  Isn't it scary when you think about it?  I am at this moment doing what I always do when I'm afraid ... I'm holding my ground at this very moment ... facing up to one of my fears ... Death.

I had to face with my own impending death when I fought my battle with non-Hodgkins lymphoma ... I was dying ... I walked close to the edge of death for 3 years ... sat on Death's doorstep knowing I'd be entering its door at any time.  Can you imagine ... knowing you are going to die ... that others don't normally survive what you are going through?  I talked to Death ... I lived with Death by my side ... I was so sick that truthfully ... if I had died I wouldn't have known the difference.

I've almost entered that dreaded door we all know is there ... Death's Door ... a few times in my life.  I don't know why I didn't enter it ... I am still here.  I don't know my purpose in life ... or how I've made any difference in someone else's life.

You know how people say that you didn't die because you are here for a purpose?  I've never known my purpose or what good am I to this big old world.  I never did save the world like I wanted to as a young girl.  Truthfully, it isn't possible ... but, we do all make it a better place as a whole.  It takes so many of us to make a positive difference ... sometimes, so long.  Do we give up?  No.  But ... I wish I could see something good, positive that just myself ... I ... have done to ... save the world.

Maybe saving the world means ... the world of one individual.  Through time I can see where I've made that difference ... and I'm happy about that when I think back to those times.  I just wish there were more times than a lot ... I wish I could do it a ... million times.  Make a wonderful difference in many individual lives.

When my son died ... Death lived by my side each day.  It was another time I wouldn't have known if I died ... I was dead inside.  I almost joined Death permanently ... no, I wouldn't have known if I died.  Three years I held hands with Death once again ... I stayed in Death's darkness before sunlight ever reached me.

I'm afraid of dying ... I'm afraid of Death.  I'm not afraid of dying ... I'm not afraid of Death.  The world is bigger than I ... I am small in this big old world ... at any moment I could be taken from it.  You ... could be taken from it.  Death ... could do that.  At this very moment I'm looking Death in its face ... even if I'm afraid.






Note by this Author:

Death is scary ... it isn't scary.  Death is what we make it to be ... we don't want it to be.  Death will happen regardless of what you or I think ... I choose to meet things head-on ... so, I when I think about Death ... I write about it ... it's my way of digging my heels in ... looking Death straight into its face ... letting it know I know ... it's there ... it can get me at any time.  I don't want to be afraid, yet I am.

Not only am I afraid of death ... I experience panic attacks when I think of my son and his death.  Death is final ... no more.  Can you imagine what a scary thought it is to know you'll never see your child again ... because of Death?  Imagine it for a moment ... just imagining tears your very Heart out.  Just think if it really happened.

I am not  a morbid person ... my mind doesn't stay on thinking about death, thankfully.  I'm too positive to let myself do that.  This happens to be one of the times ... my thoughts were of Death ... so, I wrote it to share it with you.  I know I'm not the only one who ... thinks ... of any, everything.

My thoughts, photo are written, owned by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

2 comments:

  1. Think only about living. Keep writing, keep living. You see I am like you one moment pure sunshine and one moment pure dark shadows. I have come to realize one thing whatever will come in the future it is inevitable. Second as long as we keep writing and sharing someway somehow our words will be here long after we are gone so in a way we have made ourselves immortal. Just think of what it is like to live moment to moment and enjoy every bit of life. Then when that one moment comes think of all who will be waiting for you. Enjoy your life and love with Skip, the pups and thank God you have this time to live, live, live.

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  2. I think we all think about death at one time or another. In fact, I had it on my mind so much, I went to the funeral home,picked out my stuff so that my daughter wouldn't have to do that and I managed to get it paid for now. I have taken care of it all. She won't have to do anything except tell them where to pick up my body and tell them when I died and when she wants to have my funeral. She was upset because she thought I was hiding something from her but I promised her I wasn't. I just didn't want her to have to do all that when I do die. So yes, we all at one time or another think about dying. Love, Ms. Nancy

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