Note: This story I wrote on August 16, 2014 ... popped up as a Facebook Memory. I read it again ... I am sharing it with you ... again. This has never changed no matter that I've come so far on my Grieving Mother Journey. My tears are non-stop on the inside ... where no one can see.
The difference 6 years later is ... I can live at the same time as I grieve. I can smile, be happy about something ... all the while I grieve. I can be around you, anyone ... no one has to see how bad I look ... no one has to be afraid they will see my tears ... because they are hidden from the world. You will see a smile instead ... just like seeing a beautiful building on the outside never seeing the sad things going on ... inside.
I will never let you see my grief ... you can only read it. Don't be sad for me ... everything is alright though I write about my grief. I am keeping a promise to you ... and I never forget that grief is ... why ... I write. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/Granny Gee
You will never see my grief ... it's always hidden from the world. You may read it ... but you won't ever see it. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
My Tears ... Fall Inside, Hidden From The World
My Tears ... Fall Inside, Hidden From The WorldBy Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Photo owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee. This is the last photo taken of Tommy just a few hours ... before he died on May 29, 2010. Who would have ever thought? He died, running, playing on the beach with his little three year old son. He got there ... just in time ... to play for a few minutes ... collapsed on the soft sand ...
Sometimes ... I pause, think ... I can't believe Tommy's not here, anymore. I mean, I can't believe he isn't ... here, anymore.
I picture him in my mind ... I see his bright Tommy smile ... like a happy glow around his face. Like a cartoon picture of the sunshine ... with happy sun rays around it. I draw them, sometimes.
I picture his blue-green eyes, blonde hair. I see a tall, handsome guy standing there. My son ... my son, whom I was so proud of.
I listen to his soft voice, fun laugh in my mind. He loved to joke, play pranks. He could laugh like the cowardly lion ... and I would laugh until I cried, listening to him.
Sometimes, we would begin talking, and talk about something funny ... both of us would begin laughing ... and laugh harder when we looked at each other's eyes. One of us would say something more funny, and we'd laugh more.
I loved my son. I really miss him. I don't cry now, as I once did. I do feel ... bittersweet. I do feel sadness in my heart.
How did I accept my son's death? I'm not sure when I did ... Sometimes, I do feel some of the old, panicky feelings inside ... I try to let go of them, quickly.
I would have never guess I would have to grow older without my child being ... there. I never had a clue that such would happen ... I knew he would be there, always.
I remember being very sick, trying to prepare him for something happening to me. I knew my son loved me with his heart ... I was afraid for him ... if I died.
I never thought to prepare myself for my son's ... death. Today ... when I think of him, I smile with great sadness in my Heart. My tears ... fall inside, hidden from the world.
Photo/Story Credit: is of my son, Tommy. Both are owned by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.