Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Pieces Of Me Together Again

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'Pieces of Me' .... photo owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.



Humpty-Dumpty and I have something in common ... we had to put our pieces together again. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.




I took a photo of myself. I see how far I've come in weight loss. I am looking forward to taking off maybe 40 more pounds.




Looking back at my photos after Tommy, my only child, died ... my photos are horrible. I don't even recognize the person I see. I was just a mess ... I had given up ... I knew it would never matter again if I looked pretty ... looked even decent enough to go outside the house. I didn't care anymore ... I did not care ... my son had died ... so did I.




Three ... four ... five years went by ... slowly without being fully aware of it ... I began to come back to life. I wanted to live ... I had always loved life! I realized I wanted to live in the light of the sunshine again! I wanted to smile, be happy! How could I ... I asked myself. Tommy's dead ... my son is dead ... how can I smile, feel happiness ever again? Just how could I?




Time went by ... it didn't happen overnight that's for sure ... I began to want to live, look nice once again. Oh my God ... my mirror told me it was just pure ... impossible! There wasn't any way at all I could see ... of coming back from the darkness I'd entered. I didn't know if the light could reach that far.




I kept trying to find me in my mirror ... only once in a great while would I see 'ME'. I would try to hold on to me when I saw me ... I would fade away. All would be left in the mirror was an old, pitiful ... fat woman who couldn't look me in the eye. She would turn her head.




Time went by ... I can't really remember now how much time ... I began to see 'ME' more often. I would smile ... 'ME' would smile back! I saw happiness to meet up with my old self ... 'ME' would disappear over and over. I realized I wanted 'ME' back. I wanted to live ... how could I? ... my baby was gone. How could I come back to life when the only beautiful part of me was ... gone?




Time went by ... more time went by ... how much I can't tell you now. I began to accept my son wasn't coming back to me ... I wasn't going to hear his voice again ... feel his hugs for his mother ... laugh, tease his 'ole mom'. I wasn't going to worry over him anymore ... cry when he was sad ... laugh, feel happy when good things happened to him. I wasn't ... I wasn't ... I wasn't. I wanted to scream to the universe to please let him come back ... don't let this be so.




Strangely ... no one ever heard the cries, screaming to God to please not let Tommy be dead ... no one ever saw the weight of grief on my shoulders. Everything was so ... quiet.




I was a hellacious storm going on in front of anyone's eyes ... the quietest storm ever ... no one ever saw ... heard a thing. I was the worst storm to ever hit me ... how I weathered it ... I don't know.




Just think of a redwood tree ... think of me scarred, battered to hell ... still standing in the beautiful sunlight I so craved. I never talked to anyone about my grief ... I only wrote my pain telling the whole world I hurt ... how badly I hurt. I never told anyone ... I wrote it. I was ashamed of my pain. I didn't want those around me to know ... you know how prideful people can be.




I no longer have such pride about a lot of things now. I've met reality head-on ... battled it ... I'm still standing. I'm alright now ... I have both feet planted on the ground. Knock me down ... I'll just get right back up, dust my pants off ... I want to live now. I have put my pieces back together once again ... just like Humpty Dumpty.




Note by this Author:



Grief is ugly ... it's the most real part of life. If you've lost a child ... a part of 'you' ... you know exactly what I write about. If you haven't lost a child ... thank God you don't have to know any of these feelings ... know such God-awful darkness in your life. It's hard to come back from. How I've made it ... I don't know. To look at me now ... you see the ravages of Hell on me ... but, I'm still standing. I'm doing the very best with the pieces I have left of 'ME' ... I found them in my mirror again. I was so glad to see 'Me' after so long. I thought I was gone too.




Photo/true story owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

2 comments:

  1. I'm thinking of you, Gloria! Good luck with your weight loss. I hope you get stronger and stronger. The grief journey is a long one and you've made significant progress recently. I'm very happy for you.

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  2. That picture of you is very good!! You have lost so much weight! I am so proud of you and my daughter losing so much weight. I am so sorry Tommy is gone. He was definitely a very good man. Love, Ms. Nancy

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