My precious son and grandson ... I miss you with my very Heart. I know you can't come back ... but, it doesn't stop me from wishing it so. Photo owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.
I thought I'd written all the pain away. It came back and was bigger than me. I couldn't run from it. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.
3 Days of Pure Grief ....
A mother's grief ... never goes away. It is always ... there.
No matter how she pretends everything is alright ... it really isn't.
Grief is like sweeping dust under the rug ... it's always there.
If one keeps sweeping dust under the rug ... never getting rid of it ... it builds up.
I am speaking for myself. I pretend only so long ... push back my real feelings never sharing or talking about them.
Why do I do that? So as not to make others sad ... dread to see a grieving mother. People love when I smile all the time ... they smile back.
I'm a private person ... I never talk about my real feelings to a person. I can write my pain.
As much as I've written ... this weekend showed me that I never wrote all the pain away.
For 3 days I have spiraled out of control with grief and pure anger at the death of my son. Where did it all come from? I thought I had coped with it.
I told Skip it was like the doors of Hell opened and the fire was raging inside me. I haven't been easy to live with to say the least.
Grief is an awful thing. Holidays when families gather ... are the worse times.
I thought I had my grief under control after 6 years ... the past 3 days have been pure Hell ... one of the worse times since Tommy died.
The bad thing is the grief was bigger than me ... and it was all ... contained inside of me. I couldn't get up and leave from it ... no matter where I went it was still inside. It was worse than my words can say.
I couldn't run away from myself ... I had nowhere to run to. All I could do was rage, cry ... become a storm ... a really bad storm. I'm not proud of that.
I promised when I first began writing my grief that I would share the very real grief when it struck. I'm keeping my promise.
I don't know that anyone can learn anything from what I have just written. One can see grief doesn't ever go away .... one can't see the pain a grieving mother hides with a smile.
The strange thing is that I can hide my pain well ... I was around people we know ... they never suspected the storm raging inside me. I couldn't wait to get to myself to quit pretending.
This morning ... I got up with a smile and a peaceful feeling in my Heart. I'm okay now. I weathered this terrible storm ... it almost got the best of me.
I'm like a redwood tree ... scarred, weathered ... I'm still standing. Grief either makes you strong or breaks you. I am determined to be strong.
I've accepted Tommy's death ... I know he can't come back. I'm a most realistic person ... I cope with what I can't change until I can.
None of this matters when a mother misses her child ... his voice, laughter, silly jokes ... pranks. None of it matters when she wishes to see his sweet face ... sweet, sunshine smile.
When holidays come ... a grieving mother may not seem to notice when families get together ... their children come to visit. I promise they notice ... they wish so much to see their own child.
A grieving mother pretends everything is good ... she wants all to be good.
Inside her Heart ... she sees/feels the hugs other mothers' children give them ... a son or daughter kiss on the cheek .... a 'I love you, mama'. It triggers in her what she has tried to hide from herself. She used to be a mother ... she'll never get another smile, hug ... kiss from her child. She'll never get another 'I love you, mama' from her child. It's all gone ... forever.
There's nothing beautiful, happy I can write about grief. I can only write it as it really is. Only a mother can know what the loss of her child feels like.
I'm so glad to be okay today. This bout of grief lasted 3 days. I couldn't seem to shake it.
Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.