The Grief Came Once Again ... I Wrote It Alright
When a mother loses her child she goes on a forever journey ... Journey of Grief. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.
My only child, my son ... Tommy holding his only son born on March 16, 2007. I lost Tommy on May 29, 2010 ... I've been on the Journey of Grief since. I have to write to make it all better ... the pain gets too great to stay inside me. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.
I felt the most deepest sadness in my Heart this morning ... everything is alright. It's Easter weekend ... Tommy won't be coming home I know ... it still doesn't stop that longing inside my Heart. <3 :)
I wish everyone such a safe, wonderful Easter with their children, pets. <3 Grief is a sad emotion ... more than sad ... more than just mere pain ... more ... than anything.
This morning and yesterday I have cried for Tommy. I miss him with my very Heart <3 Everything is going to be alright because I choose to make it so now. Every step I take ... I choose to go forward ... never backward <3
Can you imagine not seeing your son, daughter again? No ... I couldn't when my son lived. I can remember back then ... 'knowing in my Heart' ... that he would be here as I became older and I would always have him.
A mother's grief is forever. She has to choose how to handle it ... at first I wasn't in any condition to handle anything and almost didn't live through it all. It took several years before somehow ... I began to very slowly come back to life. You see ... before that I didn't know if I was living or not ... it didn't matter. The pain, oh the pain. I could only live in darkness, feel the pain of my only child dying ... gone forever. Can you imagine?
Thankfully ... time has gone by ... all still hurts and I still get the 'birds trapped in a cage' sensation in my stomach (panicky feeling). I know I have to just go on living, doing things ... and it finally goes away. No mother ever wants to travel this road ... it never ends. It's until the day a mother dies.
Grief's journey ... I'm going to always be on it ... I try to make it positive now that I'm aware of all I feel, think. You see ... for the first few years some mothers don't think or be aware that life is going on around them ... they are looking inside. I'm so thankful to be out of myself and be able to see the world I love now.
Thank God I am a positive person to begin with. It's like going to church as a child ... there's a foundation to fall back on when one doesn't know anywhere else to go after trying to do everything themselves ... making all kinds of mistakes. Thank God for the older women who used to come to my Grandma Alma's house in Hell ... to get me, take me to church where I could see happy people, know goodness in the world.
No matter the mistakes I ever made ... I never forgot God. I don't publicly go out to tell everyone how I feel about religion and I won't ever. Everyone has their own way to worship ... believe. I am very private in that respect. I also, respect everyone's beliefs ... we all arrive at our own beliefs in our own way from our own experiences.
No one owns God ... we all love ... worship him in our own ways. I won't argue this with anyone ... and if someone ... were to begin arguing religion with me ... I would know you don't respect me and I'd remove you off my Facebook. I never play such games ... life's too short and too sweet to waste time on such. I respect myself ... I respect you ... and I won't allow anyone to disrespect me.
Even if I'm always nice, try to be good ... there's steel in my backbone. It came from the days as a little girl trying her best to survive life in Hell. I only say this because sometimes ... there are people who aren't as nice ... who want to jump on a bandwagon ... soapbox to begin a war ... not on my Facebook ... not in my life. I pick ... choose my own battles ... this isn't one of them. I respect their opinions enough to let go ... let them go their own way.
Writing is magic to me ... since Tommy died ... I've written more than I ever have in my life. I don't think I'm a best-seller author ... I'm not the best author ... but ... I write. I write to ... save myself. Thank God I could write when Tommy died ... how in the world could I have lived with such pain bigger than I ... inside myself.
The book in the photo is my book of pure pain. Just because I wrote it doesn't mean I'm famous, great or anything. It is simply my book of pure pain that I couldn't hold inside. I don't think I could have made it if I hadn't written it. I've never tried to pretend I'm something I'm not ... I have never made money off my 3 books I wrote. That's okay.
I didn't have in mind to make money when I wrote ... I Cry For Tommy ... I wrote to remember Tommy, my son ... one of the most important, special parts of my life ... me. He'll always be remembered through my words ... my dragonflies.
My beautiful son is gone ... yours is still here. Love, care and mend any broken fences. I promise you that a phone call can come, destroy your whole world as a mother in a split second ... it did mine.
In fact ... I was 200 miles away from the ocean where he died ... and I was the first person to know. A stranger picked Tommy's phone up off the damp sand where he collapsed ... pressed redial ... got the last person Tommy ever talked to ... Me. My son talked to me last on his phone. I heard a voice say, "Ma'am, I have a man collapsed here on the sand ... he's not breathing."
For those of you who need to mend fences ... I hope you will think of me ... hear my words in your minds. Love, hold your babies tightly this Easter weekend ... all the time. Let them know their mothers love them no matter what. Let them know they are most special to you.
Thank God ... I always did that with Tommy ... he knew his mother loved him with her very Heart. This was my only comfort I could find in his death ... my son knew I loved him because I told him so ... often. How many times did I cry out in my Heart ... "thank God I told him".
You can see how writing heals me ... helps me when I get very sad. I have passed over the grief ... pain ... I felt building up inside me. Writing saves me. Thank God for writing ... whether it be good or bad. I don't claim to be other than myself ... I write my way and go on. I could possibly say something that could help another ... I know sometimes I read 'just the right thing ... said in just the right way' ... and it makes all the difference in my life. It doesn't matter who wrote it ... what matter is I read it. I know you understand.
My friends here understand ... my newer friends may not realize since they've not followed me through time at the most darkest period of my life that began May 29, 2010.
Everything is alright ... I wrote it so ... it would be that way! :) <3
Note by this Author: I wrote this morning to help myself as I felt the onslaught of grief so deep ... so painful ... I wrote until I was okay again. I put this on my Facebook this morning as my post today. Photo/story are both owned by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.