When Tommy died ... I lost myself in sleep for how long.. I really can't remember. I do know that many months went by.... I was being 'pulled' by Skip constantly 'to be alright.
Every day my systervan, Lena, wrote to me talking to me, encouraging me and just caring with her very heart to 'be alright again, Gloria'. She 'knew' Tommy as they'd email from time to time when I was in the hospital ..he'd let her know how I was doing. They would email each other when he was on the road... she loved the United States and wanted to know so much about it. He would tell her whatever she wanted to know.
It meant the world to her just as when she got sick it meant the world to me ...to know how she was. I miss you, Lena. I never knew you'd be gone soon after Tommy. You were a part of my most 'inner' layer of my private life... my most immediate family.
You were a part of my private life that I don't allow anyone to come into... that's mine......other people have their own and I would never try to enter theirs anymore than I'd allow anyone... to come into mine.
Some things we all have to keep to ourselves....it's where we go to heal and be at peace with our loved ones, ourselves...it's our special place and time...no one should be allowed into 'that part of your life'.... it would throw everything out of harmony and disrupt and ruin it and put you into turmoil.... always keep a part so private and special for only you and your closest people. It's my 'art room of life'.... the most real part of 'me'. This is where I am 'myself' and you are your 'real' self.
Have you ever noticed that sometime in life.... someone wants to come live with you for a while 'to get back on their feet?' How when months later, they leave and it's on a 'sour note'? That's exactly what I mean. They've ruint the harmony of your life and it takes some time to put it back. The only person who ever lived with us was...Tommy. We loved him with our hearts and wanted him to live with us.
There were the times when Tommy and I would have some conflict... we were so much alike... but, we quickly made up because we knew the importance of mother and son... of being the only family we had. We became closer. Skip and Tommy were the closest and they were best friends, also. Never, did I see any anger from either for the other...never. Tommy was Skip's closet person outside of me. We wanted Tommy to come back home and told him some time before he died .. he wanted to be home with Taban.
The thought came to my mind of what I watched on Criminal Minds last night on tv..... some people have a 'sick and scary' ..private life. They actually live 2 lives, one where they do sick things and the other where in all appearances they are....normal. That's their camoflage to hide the 'sick' things. Scary......................................... I wonder and think maybe... I just wonder sometimes if.......... have you ever seen people you ........... wondered that about.... and your instincts tell you 'stay away.. there's something wrong here'? I've been in situations that scared me in my young life and I 'got away' as soon as I could 'see' how. Survival ..after all... is sometimes ...the name of the game. I've felt the hair on the back of my neck actually 'raise' and.. cold chills down my spine. Even though I didn't appear to be running away............ I ran 'like hell'!
Lena was a part of my life just as Tommy was and Skip and our Pups are. My world... there wasn't anyone else... excepting my precious grandson Taban... for a brief period that I 'knew' wasn't going to last long. I watched the 'signs one recognizes through time...through experiencing and watching and listening to 'other' people's lives... I watched it 'begin to happen to me'. McKenzie's life touched mine sometimes, though briefly.... how I wished for more. Life is this way..............
To escape it all... I took the medicine that was provided to me during that time ..it began the night of being told.... by a strange voice... that my son had collapsed on the beach while playing with his little son, Taban. Afterwards I told Skip that I've never wanted to take drugs but, to PLEASE take me to the hospital.... I can't cope with this!
For months.. I did become finally something I never wanted to ..become.................... something close to being a 'drug' addict. Though... I never craved or desired the drug........... I just wanted to 'hide from myself' and... not feel that pain.......I didn't want to know that my child was ..gone? I didn't want to............know anything. In my mind I kept screaming and screaming 'no!' My only escape was that tiny little white pill provided to me in the emergency room and by a doctor later.. with no refills. I never took anything like that and the only medicine I took was for my heart... so, that medicine hit me very hard when I took it. I can't remember so much..........
I was where I couldn't feel any pain and every time I would try to ' come back'.. the pain was greater than I........and I'd go back inside myself with that little white pill.
I was sort of like the sea shells I discovered on the beach ...like the time I was at the ocean...I saw all these beautiful shells on the sand... they were 'swirly' shells attracting my attention making me want to gather some of them!
I ran in happiness because I felt I had found a wonderful treasure to take home with me! I didn't have anything to put them in.. so, I used the oversized tee shirt I had on. I instantly pulled it out by the hem to make a 'giant pocket' and I ran here and I ran there! picking up those wonderful 'different seashells' that I'd never had opportunity to ever see when at the ocean. Oh yes! I could hardly breathe for the excitement of 'discovering such a wonderful thing!' Remind me to tell you my discovery of those 'fast teeny-tiny-little squirrels! (Skip tells me about my use of many adjectives together...........that's alright.... this is mine! )
Anyway... I filled my 'pocket' full of those shells and was so happy..... people were actually grinning at me while they stood there fishing in the surf.... I look back and I know 'why'!
It only took a short time to realize 'why' everyone was sharing my joy!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because... I kept looking at them to admire them only to look back to see many...........legs coming out of them! I screamed and flipped that 'pocket' throwing all those 'sea shells' high up in the air and jumped around because of the feeling going through me to be touching 'things with lots of legs and probably lots of 'mouths'!
I'd made a spectacle of myself ... all of a sudden screaming and jumping and dancing around... I swore I heard laughter in the background while I was trying to compose myself.... I didn't look back! I was embarassed.
The point here is that 'whatever' was in those sea shells saw me reaching for them......... and they ran back into their shells to hide. When they thought they could peep out to 'see' if they could come out... they couldn't! That's 'how' I was ...sort of. I couldn't bear the pain and would go 'within' and I was in darkness where I didn't have to see or know ..or feel anything. I almost 'stayed there forever'..only I could hear Skip's voice from ...far away... he always kept......... calling me. I love Skip with my very heart... and our Pups. They were always beside me ..laying beside me ..I couldn't see them but, I felt them there. They wouldn't leave me alone... if they had ..I would have died. I didn't care anymore.. and I didn't feel anymore... that little white pill. Skip...you are my Hero in more ways than one.... you are my Knight In Armor'. I love you more than my words can say... and 'feel' them so deeply that..........tears come to my eyes. I simply love you with my being...you are my soulmate.
I won't talk about this night ..much. I was under the effects of that little white pill at the funeral home............I have to be careful now.............I barely remember being there. I remember seeing 'from afar' ...all these many people smiling and walking around to talk and meet each other. I was moving 'like a leaf blowing in the wind..........only to stop here or there it seemed.... until the wind blew me again'. I saw Angie standing there leaning against the door and smiling .. she was dressed up and looked nice.. was she at a party? I saw people I knew from 'afar' and somehow drifted to them... sitting down talking like ...was I at a ..party? I avoided something 'over there' because .... I had to ... Taban is trying to climb in that 'box... he wants to be with his daddy...he loved his daddy....
For now... that's all I can write about 'that night'.......................when I do, I think I'll name it Fleeting Memories...................................................
I have compassion for anyone who take drugs or drinks or does the 'funny' cigarette... though don't get that confused with patience... that I don't have.... for people who do that. They are running from something so bad in their lives and ... might not can face it.... or if they could.......... their bodies are already so far gone from being .. addicted. It won't 'let go' of them. Yes, I feel compassion.
I slept and would sleep too heavily and Skip would voice his concerns to me... I could hear him... he was 'so far away'. This was the time I took that drug, that tiny-little white pill.... to live ..to cope ..and almost ..to die. I don't even remember the name of it.............
He would ask me to please not take that medicine anymore... I would say I wouldn't... yet, somehow I did and ..I'd sleep. I couldn't get back up, I couldn't cope with that most horrible of horrible knowledge that my son... was dead? I just could not bear it. One day... I will write more about that..for now I 'don't need to'... it's 'not time'... just yet. I can only 'touch that deep' ...at times... if I do and come back not crying ...I'm going alittle farther... that's good...it means I'll eventually be able to talk about it all.... and not cry. Yes, a good thing.... I don't want to forget to remember something that's so ... real......in my life. I need to 'take the power out of things that hurt me'. That's how one becomes stronger...inside. You really have to be ..in order to survive... I've fought all my life...I know.
It has taken 18 months to get to this point in time......and I'm coming alive again. I have begun to be creative and what inspired me to keep on ....several months ago, I began beading and making some jewelry. I met a young girl named Tori.... and decided I would like to give her some bracelets I'd made. She seemed so happy when I gave them to her.... and the next thing I knew..........she'd made 'me' some back and gave them to me!
I was so amazed because I've given so much of my artwork and crafting away... not ever expecting anything in return nor getting anything in return unless a prior agreement on payment.......... this little girl 'gives me something she made with her own hands and took her time to make and I know what goes into making and creating things'...............she gives it to 'me'. Can you imagine my surprise and my amazement? How so very special. We have been doing this since. Tori, you are indeed a very special friend... you are my Creative Friend, whom I treasure with my heart. I appreciate the many, many things you have taken hours to make...just for me! I've never had a friend ..like you! I always wished to.... but, it never happened. You have inspired me and played a big part in my life to 'bring me back'. Thank-you, Tori. We will draw, paint, bead and create always and be...lifetime Creative Friends. You are my only friend in that area of my life... the area of life in 'my' life that is so important to my 'being, also.
I've never taken drugs nor drank or did the 'funny' cigarette... excepting the few 'funny experiences' I had when I 'tried'.... if I had liked any of it.... I'd kept doing it. I didn't like it and I truthfully was afraid of it all.. I watched through the years as 'family' member by family member was destroyed by one or the other...or by all. I didn't want it to 'grab me and not let go' to go on to be addicted to it all my life.
The one 'vice' I did and do still battle even now.... is food. It represents comfort, good times and happiness from seeing beautiful dishes with many .....colors' and aromas ... 'happy' things to me. Skip and I both appreciate good food.... he bakes and can cook wonderfully. As for myself... I do this but, I'm not the one who really enjoys cooking... 'it's not MY thing'. :)))) The good thing is I'm not expected to cook 'against my will' because 'I am a woman'.......so, I don't fight it and.... I cook and I do
enjoy it ...sometimes. Just not.... all the time.
Truthfully..........I hate to cook! There...I said it! I hate to cook unless.......... that cooking bug bites me........ and that's .......rarely! The thing is that I do cook most days and no one would ever know 'I don't like to cook' ...because it's good. Sometimes ..just 'too' good. All one has to do is to look at me........ I ...reflect...........it. :))))) Of course now..I am once again battling to drop weight.. my cardiologist told me to ..because I need to. Anyway... I'm struggling in the Land of Good Foods.
We eat out often... and we go where good foods are.... they are arranged in ways for the colors and the way they are placed............... can reach out to me and say quietly ...'Eat me!...Eat me! Gloria, Eat me!' They 'talk' to Skip, also!
Wonderful, colorful vegetables in different shades of fresh greens and reds and oranges and white... and yellows.......... and nuts of all kinds and various dressings with good flavors, and cheeses!
Then.... one goes on to the many soups of all kinds... and the bar where all the vegetables and little strips of meat looks so tempting.
Then........ to the Main bar to where the 'real' food is .... fried chicken, baked chicken, fried fish of all sorts, baked fish, pizza, steak, pork, hamburgers, wieners, beef stew with the colorful carrots and potatoes in it......... baked potatoes, mashed potatoes, cheese sauce, chili, butter, chives and all the things you can possibly put on potatoes.
There are all those wonderful vegetables that are cooked and perfectly seasoned such as butterbeans, green beans and corn, fried okra, tomatoes and just practically anything one would desire!
The special section where there are shelves of wonderful breads.. of all kinds. I think bread is one of my 'weaknesses' when losing weight. Soft, soft bread is just 'too' good. When you add a good butter to it.... it's just 'out of this world'! Yes... this is my weakness... I have to watch out for it... to me it's
my 'drug' ..of choice. I don't get high..................I get fat............................................. I wonder which is the ....worse. If I got high...... I'd walk funny............... if I got fat.............I'd still walk funny and...it seems like that old saying....'damned if you do and damned if you don't! :)))))))
Now.... to the ultimate.........the Desserts! Pies... apple pie, chocolate pie and I mean the 'good' kinds of chocolate pie with lots of meringue and dessert whipped toppings, peach pie, apple cobbler...and
cakes...carrot cake, chocolate cake and more chocolate cake with an extra-special chocolate on that! The lava cake with hot chocolate sauce coming out of the middle and steam rising from it! There are brownies and ..... fudge (I like those little pieces of fudge.. I always sneak an extra one!)...... ice cream in the machine (soft serve ice-cream is ...'real' ice-cream to me!).
There is the Chocolate Fountain where one can stand there and take a toothpick and insert it into marshmallows (I discovered I....like that!)..... pineapple and those ....rice krispy treats (I hate that!)..and big, plump red strawberries!
After that..... one can have a complimentary cup/cups of coffee! This is what I face when we eat out......... I do pretty good ...sometimes. Sometimes... I don't................
That is my 'drug/vice' in life............. I only hate that I 'reflect' it ..so well! It's strange how when one wants to make a change............ what is placed in their path to trip them up? The very thing he doesn't want anymore! We all know how that is in different aspects of our life. The more we 'don't' want something... the more 'it's there'..... that's 'why' I wish for things I 'want'............ and just wish for them 'not' to be there..............and alot of the time... I get my wish! I get what I'd like to have! I smile alot when that happens!
I have crossed over the path of Land of Good Foods and I traveled quite a way on that path to tell you what I see and feel and ..think about it. Time to go now... and I'm not hungry... that's a good thing. :)))
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