Thursday, December 15, 2011

I've Been Happier Lately!... Old and Ugly... Good Ole Shoe

Skip said he'd noticed that lately since I've been writing that I've become more open and... happier.

I have given that great thought... yes, I do believe he is right. I have discovered an outlet for all the many, many things I have to say and... it means the world to me.

I've felt excitement that I've haven't felt in at least 18 months... yes, I ....think I'm happier.

I've noticed that I'm looking forward to getting back to writing just as much as when I would be working on an art project drawing or painting. I feel that wonderful natural 'high' that comes when one's soul soars when they are doing something they love ..best.

I've used to write letters that were upwards to almost 30 pages long because I always had alot to say..... on paper with pen... only at times verbally. I always wished to write but, it seemed I always thought that it wasn't 'me' that is supposed to write... it was others whom I knew in my mind.......... were more 'qualified' to do so. The people I am talking about for example is Skip and ... several others.... they 'know' definitely how to write in proper form. As you can see.... I can only write in 'my way'.

I can only write........ my way.... and I'm very comfortable writing 'my way'.... it's like putting on that old, comfortable robe in the evenings when you get home. The person I am and have become..... came from learning the 'hard' way........... I remember 'flying high' and pretending to be other things than just myself... I was in the beautiful world and I fit in.... I loved the brand name clothes and shoes, and jewelry and looking 'perfect' all the time. People thought 'she is something else'. Sadly.. so did I.

Through time I will tell you what I learned and how I learned... to come back to earth...... and just be a 'real' person. Sometimes I miss being 'so beautiful and so everything'. I'm older now... and I'm nowhere close to being 'beautiful' again.... but, 'now'.... I'm more real, I'm a real person who is a good person. I'm not wrapped up in the world I lived in with lots of mirrors, clothes and shoes and ... jewelry.. and just ..everything... that used to be my life. You'll see and you won't believe how 'vain' I was. Being young and not-knowing....... we make such mistakes while we live in the worlds of our own making...in our minds. Illusions.............

I 'look back' and just shake my head... how so naive I was along with being so vain and thinking of only myself then. I'm not proud of that though....... everyone thought I was just 'something else'....so, did I. I was an imposter trying to be something I wasn't. I quit pretending a long time ago....... I think my illness also, played a major role in that. It did .... I don't think it, I 'know' it.

I will one day 'add' some photos to my writing.... of myself 'then'... I 'fell in love with myself' during a period of time and I could only 'see me'.. and what I wanted... I loved the attention and the attention of always being 'the prettiest, the sexiest, most beautiful woman around'. My regret is........... isn't it a shame that by the time you realize this isn't what's most important in life....... one has 'already become old and ...ugly'? Now.... my 'beauty' is on the 'inside............. and no one can 'see' it.... unless they take some time... to look. :)))) It's the truth, now... and you know it. I have to 'tell it as it 'really'... is'......................... Life is like that

! I can't believe I've finally said I'm old and ugly.... It could be just the mirror in my bathroom........ because after all... we just moved not long ago. Maybe it's just that old mirror making me think that... but, I'm afraid.......... it might not be ...just that......... :))))))

Now.... I see other young women 'walking the same path'... I used to walk... the 'Path of Vanity and Selfishness...Self'. They just don't know... I didn't know. Some will learn 'sooner rather than later'........ and won't waste as much time as I did... trying to live in a world that really didn't exist................ I've watched the ones who have aged like I.......... who 'kept walking on that path' instead of learning what's most important in life (I think of one person in particular who was like 'me' through the years)............ she went on to be an alcoholic and did drugs and 'God knows what else'. She never learned and she is ...still searching for something ..she'll never find... it's not on that path... she needs to take 'that turn' up there... and get on a 'good' path. She married a rich man and will probably live and die unhappy.... she didn't love that man.... I wonder if he knew that? Life is like that... I know.

At least.... I learned from it and now, when you see me........ I'm just 'an old shoe'.... but, I ..........................................am a good ole shoe

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