AS A MOTHER...

AS A MOTHER......

I am sitting here in such thought... this month of May is when Tommy died... I can't forget that no more than I can quit breathing to live. I so, wish I was perfect and didn't feel mean and hateful feelings ... ever. I'm so sorry that I feel such emotions... I wish I could turn them off.

When I 'really think deeply'.... 'no, I don't hate you who 'were closest' to Tommy. I do still get angry though... think about it... you have children and you get angry when someone mistreats them, or is harsh to them... you get angry because...  being the child's mother... it's a 'mother's protective instinct'... it kicks in.

No matter that a mother's child ...of course, isn't at all perfect... but, neither are you, the people who have been, were in that mother's child's life. You, as a mother, are going to suffer 'just as your child suffers'.... 'a mother feels almost the same pain' as her child when he is suffering. She cries, she's sick inside when something bad happens to her child... she can't rest until her child is alright again.

All you have to do is to think about your precious children... think about how naturally angry you've been when someone in the past ever made them cry, hurt them.... as a mother you are 'ready to kick ass' (you know you are!)... you are ready to 'fight a bear'... I'm no different. When 'mothers truly love their children'... they will 'walk through hell' for them..... I was no different... it didn't matter who got mad, hated me... for being Tommy's mother.  I have walked 'through hell' for him... many times.

Some mothers make a scene, some scream and cry, some act very ugly.... I don't. I stay very ...quiet, and I watch, listen, and even care.... even love... while I think about things, even while I'm .... very angry. I don't make a scene, nor do I scream, cry and act ugly... 'but, you know I'm there'. I just continue to act very nice... the nicer, the more angry and upset I am/was... when you hurt my child.

See... not only 'as Tommy's mother'... and battling the grief in my heart... I have to 'battle my thoughts, feelings' of... 'you' all... who hurt my son's heart. I will win it because, truly I am a good person .... a good person who has held some most terrible feelings, anger toward... you. 'You' being ... the ones who come here to read, hoping to gain attention in your personal life to get sympathy, pity, whatever the 'reward' is... 'you' ...being just curious, wondering what I'm writing and if I'll mention you by name... I won't.

That's because... I don't have to... 'you' know who you are. I am writing about 'my life'... and 'if you were in it to cause me grief, happiness, upset, treated me wrong, treated me good, hurt me'... I will write about it not to hurt 'you', but, to tell my story of my life.

I will say in all fairness that 'we all have as younger people looked bad, acted bad, did bad things at one time or other'... but... it helped to shape us into 'good' people we are today. I will say this, too..... when 'you are already a pretty good person' which 'I know 'you' all ...are ...that I'm writing about at this moment'.... as you get older you will 'see and understand' better... you appeared to be 'bad' when you really didn't want to.... didn't mean to.... but, that's where you were at that point in life... time brings us forward... to be either be for-real 'good'.... or for-real 'bad'..... in my mind, I 'know you all'... are for-real 'good'... to begin with.

Sometimes... you 'act bad' to prove love, loyalty ...to the ones in your life... younger people tend to do this to 'prove their love'. What's sad though... is when you are older, you will see 'what a waste of time'.... 'love isn't really supposed to be like that'... especially when 'good people who only want the best for you, your children... who love you... if need be... would 'walk through hell for you and your children'... just as they would for their own child.... because they are all 'a part of each other'.

When you are older, you will see that when you really love people, you accept them as they are... and go on with life, they will accept you and go on with their life... too. Love is never stingy... it's never-ending and there's always enough to go around when...... that's all that is in your heart.

The sad thing is that 'as a mother'.... my heart that loves has alot of negative feelings to deal with, to put away... God, I wish I was perfect. I really tried to be once.... it takes a bigger person than I've ever known in my life... and I've known some big people who are truly... good. 

As a mother... I'll re-phrase this .... I 'used to be a mother'... I don't know 'what to call me now'.... really, what do you call a mother when she no longer has her child? What do you call her? You call a husband or wife who loses their spouse .... widow, widower.... what do you call a mother who no longer has her child? Think about it... I'm in confusion 'as to what I am' .... now.

As a mother 'who used to be a mother'.... of a child who died at the age of 40... just remember that no matter how old your child gets to be.... you will still feel every powerful emotion you read here. As a mother, you will feel 'so much more' than I could possibly find words for.

As a mother... who once was a mother... or whatever I am, now.... if you lose your child, only then... can you 'know'. If you haven't lost a child, read and really 'see, feel' inside yourself.... just doing that.... hurts so bad, doesn't it?

As a mother, as a 'real' person.... when I write, I feel I have to apologize for feeling 'bad' thoughts. To write to be 'real'... I have read that I need to keep writing what I feel, to not apologize as this is 'my story', I can write it as I want to.

Well, that's very true.... my 'bad self' sometimes wants to 'strike out'... to hurt people back. My 'good' self... which is so much more good than bad!..... wants to forgive, love, care and not be 'mean'. So... all I can say is... I will do the best I can ... I will still be 'real'.... and I never mean to 'hurt you all'... that used to be in my son's life. 'You'... being the ones who 'personally feel anything here... and 'know' ...... it's 'You'.

As a mother ... I will write my story without apologies, I never mean to hurt 'you all'... I really love and care about 'you all'. I'm always 'here'.... one day you will need me, I'm 'here' for 'you all'. I will say that I will apologize if I've hurt you no matter, I am hurt .... too. I apologize, I don't apologize, I apologize.... I'm just a real person.... 'you' will recognize it as.... you are a 'real' person, too.

Now... as a mother (I used to be one).... I will go on writing about my life. For a few moments... I had to stop because 'I felt' ..... I needed to write the above. For the moment... I don't know what I am.... I do know this..... I'm a 'grieving mother'... I do know that ... in 9 days is the 2nd anniversary of my son's death.... I do know that .... it just hurts worse than anything I've ever known. I just wonder this....

I wonder if I'm a typical 'grieving mother'... do mothers grieve without 'mean or bad thoughts' at all? Do mothers who lose their only child.... hurt like this? Do they feel anger sometimes? Am I the only one who is like this? How do I know... I haven't talked in depth with a 'grieving mother'.... just when I was deathly ill fighting for my life.... I had to learn how to fight on my own...my 'Gloria way'... there was no one to talk to about to 'know what to do'. I was too deathly ill to watch to know what to do.

I can only do the best I can... making mistakes all the time, but... getting back up, not giving up. The only time I couldn't get back up was when I became a 'grieving mother'... Skip had to help me up that time... I didn't have the strength or the fight anymore... I gave up for once in my life. Skip and our Pups... my lifesavers. No one else came to help me. That has been the only time I truly 'quit, gave up' in my entire life.

I have been sitting here thinking, writing.... real feelings, not the kind you expect when someone is writing to impress you with how smart, how well they write... how good they are doing in surviving the death of a child. I don't write to impress anyone... I write because... I have to.

I write real feelings... that's me, Gloria/Granny Gee. I write hoping to learn 'what I am now, without my son, my baby, my only child'. I write because this is my only outlet for 'talking' as... I can't just sit and 'talk to someone'... I don't want to hurt or make them sad, uncomfortable, not knowing what to say or ...to do.

I write what I wish I could find on the internet... I write 'how it honestly feels to be a grieving mother'. No matter how happy, colorful my life can be ..now........... being a grieving mother is just under the surface... it's always there. You won't really know it if I can possibly help it... I won't hurt or make you uncomfortable. Seeing me in public... you will most often see a genuine smile for you, a 'I'm glad to see you!' smile.

You will hear me try to make you laugh, or talk with you about lots of things... I don't think I let anyone 'see' my pain. Not everyone even knows my son is gone... there are still lots of people who don't know... I don't just tell them.... I don't want to talk about it... in person. One can read here if interested... in how I really feel, if they want to know anything. I can only mention Tommy when saying a couple of things about him... and then, I have to stop and go to something else. I can't just talk about him... in person... but, maybe sometimes ..just for a moment or two. I am knowing inside that .... I have to stop now.

Words, words .... I write. They are describing all sorts of emotion in my heart... if you read all of them... it's amazing to me. I will keep writing more words... until the day I die. I'm so thankful for this place to talk about my feelings where no one looks at me while I do.... a 'private' place though... most public to the ones who care to keep reading. I'm so amazed at the people who are traveling with me on this writing journey... have I stopped lately to say.....

I appreciate each and every one of you, you all mean the very world to me. The emails, the comments no one else ever sees or knows about... mean so much more than I can possibly say... and not only that... I welcome hearing from anyone. I'm always amazed when I look at my email and read... how special it is to hear from so many of you! I just needed to stop to tell you all.... or you would never know it.

Thank-you for being 'there' for me. Thank-you for caring about a grieving mother who can also, be happy and is going forward in a positive way. I'm doing it in my 'Gloria way'... I know I'm not perfect, and I know my writing is just 'Gloria's style' of writing... just as I have my 'Gloria's way of drawing/painting'... it's all real, and it's the best... I can do. I appreciate you all with my heart.

Love, Granny Gee/Gloria :))) You all mean the world to me... I know no words to tell you all... just how much!