I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL NOW...

I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL NOW...

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/aka GRANNY GEE

For a moment... I push the thought away... it comes back.  I see in my mind... I don't want to think, I don't want to see.  I can't bear it, I have to be careful of what I think about today... it really hurts too bad.  This is early in the morning........

I see in my mind... that red/gold upholstered chest in my mind.  It sits on top of the filing cabinet in my art room... on top of the chest sits a gold-framed photo.

In that photo is a young man who is squatting on the ground... he was in that position so, that he could be down to his little daughter's level.  So that she could see his face, so, that he wouldn't just loom over her.  He was a very tall young man, six foot, three inches.

I try to look at this photo, for the moment I'm trying to describe it to you.  I can't do it without ... feeling pain.  Maybe I feel a little fear at the same time.  Why?  Because it hurts me, my heart feels pain...  I'm afraid it could possibly 'throw me into that scary darkness'.

I have to be careful at times of how I think about my son... my son, Tommy.  I sense this morning as I write... this is 'one of those times'.  Why?  I don't know... but, something tells me to 'be careful'.  I have this feeling that I want to... cry.

Other times since his death I can think freely of him, I can hold that photo, smile back into his smiling face, I can touch that Tommy Chest.  At this moment, somehow ... I sense inside ... I have to be careful.  I'm 'walking on the brink of a canyon'.  Like the Grand Canyon...

I can't tell you 'why' some times are different than others... 'why' I am more fragile at this moment, maybe not the next moment.  I can tell you that I know the 'signs'... I know to be careful.

The signs are like the ones you see in the mountains in California, Arizona, New Mexico, Utah, Washington... where the mountains, canyons are so deep that the houses at the bottom look like matchboxes.  Sometimes one can look down at the end of a rainbow... almost see where it ends!

Steep Grade... Curves Ahead... Windy Conditions... Dust Storm....

When you are driving on these mountains.... you have to be so careful, it feels as if gravity pulls you down those hills... especially in a tractor-trailer.  How many times have I felt that pull... I can't count them.  I compare this feeling with the times I'm afraid of being 'pulled into the darkness' again.  It's like gravity pulling me 'down the mountain'... it's scary.

One has the sense if they aren't on the alert.... the tractor-trailer will go careening out of control to the bottom, crash into a million pieces, to never be... again.  This is how I feel, this is the battle I fight since my son died.  This is one of 'those moments'.

In my mind... I keep wanting to look 'to the right'... to see that red/gold chest... to see that smiling face in the gold frame.  I have to 'look straight'... keep pulling my 'mental eyes' away from looking right.  I wonder 'why I always look to the right in my mind'?

My head feels achy, even my ears hurt... this is part of the 'signs'... I'm facing a dust storm, windy conditions, curvy roads, steep grades ahead .... the gravity is pulling 'hard at me'.  I am on high alert, I have to be careful ...so, that I don't careen out of control.

My eyes want to fill with tears, I feel that choked-up sensation, my chest feels tight.  'Why'... does this happen at 'this moment'... nothing that I'm aware of... triggered this.

I don't understand... but, I do understand that I have to be on alert today.  'I feel the gravity pulling'... wanting to sink me into the darkness, swallow me.

It 'tries to welcome me', deceive me into wanting to relax, float down in its cocoon-like 'blanket'... one that would wrap around me ... making me so comfortable, warm and cosy.

Close your eyes, and just 'fall into the darkness'...it won't hurt, you'll just float into place... stay there... don't open your eyes, it'll break the spell.  Darkness doesn't want light.  Light will pull you 'up' to it... darkness will pull you 'down'.

Light will show you the way to go on your path... darkness keeps all the right turns hidden... one stays lost.  One can wander endlessly in darkness... I know... I've been there.

I always have to be on the alert... I always have to pretend I'm okay... until I'm okay?  Like this morning... I somehow 'know' this is a day .... I have to be careful now.