Another Look At The Grief I Feel...

Another Look At The Grief I Feel...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Sitting here clicking photo after photo
Testing myself to see if I feel anything
I click fast, then I click slower, I click back
I click out of the photos completely

I feel that sick feeling in my stomach
A sense of panic that threatens to overcome me
I sit here, take deep breaths
Yes, it hurts... it hurts so bad

I don't think it'll ever go away
I'm sure it won't, this is another pain
That is a part of me
No, it'll never go away at all

I'm surprised at how familiar my son's face
Is when I sit to look at it
It's like he really isn't gone at all
He's so real to me... so 'here'

Does this make sense
He seems so 'here'...
So... like he hasn't gone away
Now, if I could reach out to touch him

If I could just reach out to touch his shoulder
To say "hello, Son"....
"I'm so glad to see you"...
"I've missed you so much"...

I miss my son with my very heart
I look at his photo ... look at his face
How so familiar, so fresh it seems
Like he isn't gone at all... like it was yesterday I saw him

I see a little spot over his left eyebrow
That I was very concerned about
I 'know' it was basal cell carcinoma
I wanted him to have it checked out

After he was gone, I remember
How when I thought about him
I would think he needs to go.....
It would hit me that 'no', he doesn't have to ... now

I was looking at a photo of him sitting, holding Taban
On the day he was born... March 16, 2007
He barely made it to the hospital
He drove his big truck there, parked it in the lot

I looked at this photo of him, his eyes red
His face flushed from fatigue
He was so happy-tired as looked into the lens
Of the camera, of him and little Taban who looked just like him

Tommy had on a blue tee shirt
I see his gold chain with my gold nugget on it
The gold nugget that used to be my class ring
I gave it to him years ago, it was given back to me by his wife

Tommy had that gold necklace with the gold nugget
On when he collapsed on the sand
It was around his neck when he went to heaven
I sit and hold it in my hands sometimes.....

Sometimes, I wear it and I find myself
Reaching up to touch the gold nugget with my fingers
I touch it, feel it between my forefinger and thumb
I touch it gently as if... I'm touching Tommy's hair

I touch it as if I'm patting his head
As I did when I last saw my son
A pain fills my heart when I do this
I remember when my hand last touched his hair

I can't think any farther now
I might see in my mind what I don't want to remember
I feel myself taking deep breaths again
Because what I don't remember ... I'll always remember

My stomach feels funny again
I think for now... I'll think of dragonflies, catfish eating in that pond
In my mind, I am going to see sunshine, clear water
Deer standing all around looking at me

Happy thoughts fill my mind
To ease the grief inside my heart
I can feel the comfort of the warmth
Of the sunshine's golden glow

I feel the grief ebbing away
Just as the waves leave the shore
That I'm sure Tommy saw just before
He walked into heaven from the sand

With a happy smile on his face
Because he did exactly what he most wanted to do
That was to play with little Taban at the beach
He got to ... for his first time... for his last time

God called his name to come home now, that...
There were angels close by to watch over Taban
Only then, did Tommy let go
To go home, to go home... it was time