Just Talking ... To You

Just Talking... To You

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

This morning I have been reading email.  I had several new Twitter followers... it's been happening alot this week!  I'm amazed.  I have been following back ...my followers.

I never thought about having a 'real' Twitter audience... I've been on Twitter 'to be on Twitter'.  I had no idea it would become important to me... I'm no one special.  Truthfully... I'm so amazed that my blog is read by so many people.

I'm completely.... awed.... in the quietest, softest 'amazed' way.  In such a way that it touches my heart in the nicest of ways... I 'feel' it so much... that it 'squeezes' tears into my eyes.  They would... fall out if I didn't blink my eyes!  Thank-you everyone... you have become so important in my everyday life... you've 'become a very real part of me'.  You mean the world to me.

When I see so many people are reading 'my words'... I am always running to Skip excitedly... telling him.  He says because I'm the person I am... he thinks I'm special.  :)))  Skip is the one who is special... he's my very life, my real-life hero... he is my whole world.  Do you recognize this saying:  'I love the ground he walks on'?  You could hear me say that 'anytime' about Skip.

This morning I have alot of things on my mind.  For instance... I have to go to Wakefield Rex Healthcare to have a mammogram done.  Do you know what?  I love going there.... but, any tests I have done just isn't fun at all.  :)))  I've been through hundreds of 'tests, scans, procedures' since 1998.

Thinking about tests, I've had quite a few surgeries... and guess what?  I've had 'my share' of injections... yes, those needles with medicines ... that they stick right in you... and they do ... hurt!  :)))  I would venture to say I've had several thousand injections of some sort... since 1998.  That's when I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma.

I know I've been deathly ill in my life but, the strange thing is/was... I was 'always in the future' in my mind.  'When I could do this... when I get to do that'... you know, things like that.

I will admit though ... for the first year of being so ill... I wasn't as positive because I thought I wouldn't survive cancer.  When Skip would buy things for me... flowers, my favorite Ty Beanie Babies for my collection (many years later I gave alot of them to a young guy named Dylan who collected them).  Skip would buy me clothes, and such.  Tommy would do the same.

At that time, I was very ill... I would tell Skip, Tommy... not to buy things for me.  I would tell them that they were spending unnecessary money because I 'didn't know' that I would 'be there' to use, enjoy them.  For a moment I 'let myself look back'.... for months I thought I was going to die... for months it wasn't that I was being negative... I was facing reality... so, it wouldn't sneak up on me to devastate me once again.

The more I learned about non-Hodgkins lymphoma... I found out that people actually survived it.... could go on and live a real life!  The oncologist, nurses would tell me ...'you are going to be fine, everything's going to be alright'..... 'this is 'the' cancer one would want to have 'if' you had to have cancer'.

Of course, it took many months to believe what they told me... my body was going through so much.  Chemotherapy treatments, constant scans of all kinds, so many things.   I could barely walk... Skip had to help me.  My body was so weakened at that time that I lost all muscle tone.... I'd never done that in my entire life.

I remember as I became stronger ... the day finally came that I did know I was going to make it.  I began to want to do things again... a broom, mop, a garden hoe... anything I picked up ...felt 'alien' in my hands.  They 'felt so hard' in my hands... I remember looking down at my fragile hands thinking 'how strange it feels for me to hold things in them'.  I'd been sick for so long.  For three years... I'd been on a journey in life, survived it.... cancer.

One day I will write about this... the strange thing is ... I've never really talked about it to anyone.  I've seen people who talked, and talked, and talked about being so sick.... as for myself... I 'go on to forget'.  Yes, you read that right.... 'I go on to forget'.  Isn't that strange?  I have to do that so, I can go forward... even if I'm very ill... very sick.  :)))  I try not to dwell on it.

I 'forget' that I have medical problems... until something happens.  I don't know how this happens... I always 'stay in the future'.  I wonder if it's self-denial?  Like I'm trying to 'make it not real'.... but, believe me... my body has known it was 'all real'.  Some day, I will sit and 'study this in my mind'... I've suffered alot because 'I forget'... all of my life my mind has had to 'forget things'.

It's strange because sometimes I witness, or am a part of things so interesting... I 'forget that I am'.... until someone triggers my memory with a word, or action.  Then... I'll remember.....

I'll have symptoms of something... yet, with myself I won't 'see'.  With others... I will see and be concerned.  I've been very ill/sick, keep going for so long to finally realize... 'hey, I'm sick'!

Don't you agree?  We humans are very complex... we are alike, yet... not alike at all.  It's like no two people will react the same to one medicine... our body chemistry is completely different.  You can like something... I don't.

It's time for me to take my wonderful shower (I love warm water, lots of bubbles from the soap, and the wonderful scent!).  I have to get ready to go for a mammogram.  I think I do dread it... it's necessary.

Guess what both Skip and I are scheduled for in September?  A colonoscopy!   Skip survived colon cancer in 2000.... he was very sick when he took care of me when I was diagnosed with non-Hodkins lymphoma in 1998... I was very ill for three years fighting to live.  Skip almost didn't make it either.

So, we both are examples of 'why' people need certain tests.  They can save one's life.... he never had a colonoscopy prior to being diagnosed.  He began seriously bleeding... it would happen time to time when going to the bathroom.  During all the time he was suffering, going through all this... I was battling for my life.... I didn't know.  I'll never forget the shock when I did 'know'.....

This morning I have written things as 'I thought about them'.  Who knows, maybe it 'was for a reason'..... maybe someone will decide to go get a test they really need, and it could make all the difference in the world.  I've enjoyed 'just talking' this morning to you... :)))  Happy day to you all!  Love, Granny Gee/Gloria