I Need a Direction to go in ... Is there a Map to Where I Need to Go?

I Need a Direction to go in ... Is there a Map to Where I Need to Go?
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Skip and I am on a new path in life ... like a train switching tracks to go in another direction.  Only ... there's no information, manual to tell us which direction to go ... at the moment it wouldn't do any good ... our tracks have switched and we are traveling ahead ... to where ... I don't know.



We are almost out of control ... racing ahead to ... where?  At the moment I am telling Skip that we will take one day at a time ... cross each hurdle as we come to it, everything is going to be alright.  He listens ... and wonders ... how are we going to live in the meantime?  I become quiet ... I don't know what to say.  I've never ... been here ... on this road before.



We are listening, grasping at any, all information we are getting to make eventually make decisions as to what to do ... but, there's a lot that we have to figure out.  We have no idea ... which way to go ... yet.  We will find it ... one way or other.



Our whole life as we know it ... has changed.  Why am I writing about it?  Because ... I know other people have gone through this before us ... and I've not seen how any of them went on to survive ... getting older, having to go somewhere to ask for help ... medical conditions ... just what in the world to do.



I remember when working in the hospital ... with patients.  We were told that not only are patients very sick when in the hospital ... no one knows the fear, stress they are going through because ... of no income to pay bills, to live ... they are afraid of what is going to happen to them.  The fear of not knowing.



I remember caring so much ... as I listened to the very things ... that we are faced with now.  Isn't it amazing?  We've become ... 'old' ... have many health conditions ... and no income.



Now ... I know what 'they' meant ... I am yet again learning about things in life that I didn't know personally ... I'm on another road.  I had just gotten back on my old, familiar road at the end of December when I was told my knee cap, and fibula had healed beautifully.  My old, familiar road ended on Friday, January 8, 2016.  This new road is scary ...



I am spinning in a circle at the moment.  Skip is in the hospital facing something new.  You can't believe the stress, yes ... even fear of knowing that to live ... you have to make decisions to do something you are afraid to do ... the unknown.



We are facing many unknowns at the moment.  What does one do?  Where do they go?  Who cares?  Who to talk to?  Is there a manual that exists somewhere on what to do when you can't retire as you once hoped to ... and you are completely out of resources?



We have lost everything several times in our life due to when we both battled cancer ... and I won't even go into everything that's happened.  I won't waste time as it can't help 'now' writing about all of those things.  So now ... when 'older' ... we don't have those valuable resources we were told to have as young people for when aging ... getting 'old'.



At this moment ... I tell young people to put more up for when getting 'old' so, you'll have something to fall back on.  I know it's almost impossible to do that ... life can take it all at an instance. Just be aware, have a plan as you grow older ... have a direction.



Don't think you are so young you have ... forever ... before doing anything.  You don't.  If you make that mistake ... my words will come to mind.  Life goes fast ... why we got 'old' before we knew it.  It felt strange to hear someone call us the 'older couple'.  What felt 'bad' at first ... was a cashier to automatically begin giving us ... senior discounts!  That was a sign to us that we are 'old'.


You have no idea of what one goes through to accept becoming a senior citizen ... losing one's looks, seeing the changes when aging. People age in different ways.  They grieve for the loss of their youth.



I was one who grieved in a deep way for my youth ... I lost it during the time I grieved for the loss of my child.  When I began to see myself in the mirror ... I didn't recognize the woman looking back at me.  I couldn't look again for long periods of time ... I couldn't take it.  I had lost my only child ... and I had lost ... myself.



We owe so many medical bills it's pathetic ... they won't ever get paid.  We are people who have tried not to take from others ... not ask for help ... go without and not let others know.  We have always been 'givers' even when at lots of times we didn't 'have it' to give.  I mean ... who are we to ask someone for help ... we aren't anything to anyone.



I am voicing some of what is going through my mind as I am sitting here thinking.  I am not asking anyone for anything ... or asking for sympathy.  I am sitting here ... wondering ... what in the world do I do ... now?



How can I help us in a positive, good way?  Are there maps to where I need to go ... directions to know which roads to turn on to take instead of going in a circle forever ... not getting anywhere, wasting valuable time?



Are there maps to where I need to go?  If it were only me ... I would spin on out of control and just let go.  It isn't just me ... I need to find answers quickly as possible.  I need a direction to go in.




Note by this Author:


True thoughts on my mind this morning as I wait.  I don't know any answers to my questions ... that means I don't know what to do ... yet.

Photo/story owned, written by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.