By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I worry about my husband. He is continuously trying to please others when they ask him to do things for them ... even when he isn't feeling well. No one hears him when he does say 'I'm not feeling my best today' ... they think only of getting their things done.
I have the kindest, most courteous, polite husband in the world. Sometimes to the point others may try to take advantage of him. This is where I ... come in to stop it if I even suspect such. He's such a good person. Sometimes ... people want to walk over top of a good person. I hope all good people have someone who is watchful, protective in their life. I'll leave it at that.
Life ... is complex. People are complex. We encounter each, every day things that worry us. Other people worry us ... things worry us ... our pets worry us. If we didn't care ... nothing would worry us. If we didn't love ... how could we care?
As I became older ... my very world around me ... became smaller. I now have instead of a big family in my life ... only my husband and Pups3 now. All the way to my only child ... have died. All my family support system is gone ... somehow with all the life-threatening illnesses I've battled through time ... I outlived them. I didn't mean to ... I just did. I'm amazed when I stop ... look back in my life.
Do I feel sorry for myself. Oh no, I don't at all. I just have to be stronger in mind, body ... Life is like this. Only someone in my situation with no close family left in their lives ... will know exactly what I mean. Just like when someone you love dies ... only someone who has experienced just that ... truly understands. You might try to imagine for a moment and feel a pang or two of pain, sadness ... it's nothing when compared to the real thing ... that lasts a lifetime.
Sometimes one of our Pups3 won't eat his/her meal. I worry until the next meal when I see that particular Pup eat. Pets are like our children ... we worry about their health, well-being. So, like a child ... one doesn't eat when we think they should ... we worry. I worry. Sometimes ... it just happens for seemingly no reason. Relief ... is what I feel when I know for sure everything is alright.
I find that when my family became less ... money became much less through time ... that I worry more. I'm sure I'm not the only one ... these days. We have to hide from others that things aren't exactly the best in our lives anymore. Life is like that ... especially when one has too much pride. Especially when everyone knew you had money ... everything. In our life ... we both went through life-threatening illnesses taking several years at a time to battle ... and the many other things that happened in our life. No excuses ... Life is like that. We never recovered ... today we do the best we can.
It hurts the pride we always had ... we don't have what we used to have. We've lost those friends who like people who have lots of material things, lots of money ... they are long-gone. They weren't ever real to begin with ... we are real for it all and we have each other.
Through the years we learned what was most important in Life ... love, caring, giving, compassion, empathy, caring ... people, pets. All ... good, special :) things in Life.
It hurts me when something happens in my life and I have to ... ask for help. It hurts me because I worry if someone helps ... me ... that I'm taking from them when they might need it. It hurts me to let anyone know ... I'm lacking, I don't have ... I need. This goes back to the childhood I had. No excuses ... facts.
It hasn't been so long ago ... well yes, I guess it has been quite some time ... that I never worried about money ... family support. I always worried for the safety of my son ... he traveled always. You know ... we worry about our children no matter if all is good, bad. He was my only child and I didn't want anything to happen to him ... something did happen to him. I don't have a child to worry about now. I wish I did.
Worry ... pain, grief, love ... pride, sadness ... happiness, joy ... make up our lives ... my life. I've known so much pain, grief, sadness from the time I was a little girl ... more pain, grief, sadness than happiness. I haven't let it make me mean, hard, bitter ... instead through time I looked for the 'whys?' in my life ... the reasons such things happened to me. I constantly tried to be a better person no matter I found out I couldn't be ... perfect. I tried to learn from my Life Lessons.
You'll hear me say the words ... 'perfect, special' often. So that must mean those words have important meaning to me ... they do. I love those words because I wish to be that ... I smile now because that is an ... impossibility. You know that saying ... 'nothing's impossible'?
Well, in my life I have run up on some things that truly are ... impossible. Maybe I looked for 'impossible' to see if I could prove the saying wrong. There are really some things realistically that are impossible. Life is like that. That doesn't stop me from loving the words ... 'perfect, special' and wish to be that. I settle for next best ... the best I can be and ... sometimes, I am not that. ,
Fear ... I try to keep my fears pushed way back in my mind. I worry about my small world ... my husband, Pups3. I worry about lack of money ... being at the mercy of others because of that. I worry about us ... not being able to hold our own. I worry about the times that are coming to buy tires, oil change, repairs on our older vehicles, medical. I worry, worry ... worry. There are many things I worry about. A lot of them haven't happened ... a lot will happen ... eventually. I'm realistic ... I don't hide from what I know ... will be.
Now ... I've written about worrying, fears, pride, pain and joy ... all these things that make up pure Life ... will I give up because Life isn't ... perfect? Hell no! I'm smiling because ... I said that. You who know me know that that's me. I try to be nice as possible but ... I'm going to always say a word or two that isn't the nicest ... but, they reflect how I really feel. I'm still not a bad person if I say a word or two no one likes ... even I don't like them but ... I will say one in a heartbeat ... if need be.
I am going to continue going through each day looking for the best ... expecting the best until the one moment ... I don't wake up. I'm never giving up ... I'm never quitting ... I'm never going to quit being just the best I can be even ... if I'm not ... yes, I'm going to say it! Even ... if I'm not ... perfect! or special!
Do you have such fears, worry ... feel such pain, sadness ... such joy, love like this? Am I the only one like this?
Note by this Author:
I am just a real person reflecting real feelings. I don't sugar-coat for your benefit nor do I deny things just to make me feel good. I have become someone I've always watched, been fascinated by as a young girl ... you know ... one of those people that hits life face-on no matter how bad it hurts. I used to run ... now, I plant my feet and hold my ground. I may get knocked down ... so far ... I manage to get back up. I'm like the big redwood tree I tell you about ... you just don't know the storms I've weathered ... some others think is like a movie.
I have become ... you know ... one of those people who managed to stay positive no matter how negative all is around them. You know ... the one who smiles even if sadly ... and says ... 'everything is going to be alright one way or the other ... no matter what happens'. Well, sometimes, I try on negativity for a short time like trying on a dress that's too little ... I'm going to get it the hell off as soon as possible.
If I can say everything will and does get alright after all that has happened in my life ... you know ... it is so. I still say that because I know firsthand ... this to be true and I've lost almost everything in my life. One way or other ... everything has a way of being alright again. Everything is going to be alright. No matter ... sometimes, it takes longer than others. Even if everything doesn't get alright ... we somehow find a way in our lives to make it alright ... as possible ... so, we can continue to live. One way or other ... it's going to be.
Written by/photos owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.
No comments:
Post a Comment