Sparkling Teardrops to White, Hot Fires of Hell ... Colors of My Life

Sparkling Teardrops to White, Hot Fires of Hell ... Colors of My Life

Photos/written and owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates







　
My photos reflect how my colors change like leaves from summer to fall ... I change on the outside ... I am still Me on the inside. Gloria Faye Brown Bates 2018-2019.

　

　

I was thinking a sure sign of something affecting us is when a teardrop slips from our eye to flow down our cheek ... no matter we tell ourselves all is okay.

　

To me ... diamonds look like the teardrops I've cried in all my grief, any happiness during all my years here on earth ... they shine, sparkle in the sun just like my ring.

　

Teardrops to me .... are liquid diamonds. They stretch out in shape as they move, flow ... reflect things in them like looking into the past ... whatever you want to imagine. :)

　

In the light ... even at our saddest ... teardrops show their beauty while we are at our worst. If we can take a moment in our grief, pain ... we can see the beauty. Just the light, sparkle, shine can for an instant make us feel a tiny bit of joy at something so beautiful, special.

　

How do I know teardrops so intimately? Since 2001 I have lost almost all my family members to lose my only child in 2010 ... yes, I became an expert on teardrops during that time ... it was the longest I ever cried in my Life ... years.

　

Since being a little child ... I've cried so much when my mother would abandon me at my Grandma Alma's. She never knew then what it did to me ... she was so young ... and I understood when I became old enough.

　

When my son was a little boy he disappeared for 3 years. I never knew where he was ... the tears I cried, the grief I lived. Don't make comments about this because I will not discuss it with anyone. There are things in our Life we don't speak of ... the pain is too great. So when my son died ... I lost him for a second time ... the second time he can't come back.

　

If you've noticed all through the years when reading/following my Blog at happycolorsandgrannygee.blogspot.com I write about such things. Writing is like breathing to me ... it doesn't matter if I write the best or the worst ... I have to do it to survive. I don't do a lot of talking to others ... but, I do a lot of writing. My fingers speak for me.

　

I know how tears feel as they flow down my face ... down to my very soul ... to my Heart. I have felt happy teardrops, also. Do you know ... I hate to cry ... I do it silently. I'm embarrassed to cry in front of others. I will just simply walk away if I feel I will cry.

　

My tears are private just as my Life is ... just as when I die ... all will be quiet, private. No one will be able to come to see me as I lay in death to look at my face, make comments whether I look good or not. To stand, laugh, have a good time as I lay there in a coffin ... no, they probably won't know until it's all over and done with. I've told Skip if I die ... don't broadcast it.

　

No viewing, just straight cremation, no spending or going into debt because how am I going to know the difference? I told him to save as much as possible to live on ... that is my wish. He feels the same ... straight cremation, no viewing. So, if something happens to us ... everyone can know this.

　

Sadly ... I have known tears the most through pain in my Life. I do know how happy teardrops feel and for the rest of my Life, I wish to feel only happy ones ... I really do.

　

Realistically ... Life doesn't work that way and I also, know that very well <3 When I tell you these things and you read them it's because you want to ... if you don't just simply leave quietly. I don't need any comments nor pity ... I write because what I write about ... I know best. I don't pretend to know ... I do know firsthand.

　

What do I do when Life kicks my ass? I roll with the punches, twist with the turns, turn with the twists ... sometimes falling flat on my ass (yes, I said 'ass' ... sometimes, we feel these kinds of words deeply and have to voice them) ... sometimes ... it takes a little longer to get up ... but ... get up I do. Sometimes as I stand I want to give up and stay down. Staying down isn't an option no matter if sometimes take longer to get up from.

　

The last time falling down for me was the death of Tommy, my only child. I almost couldn't get up from that no matter how I tried. When I did I was very weak and had to become stronger in order to pick up the pieces of me I had broken into like Humpty-Dumpty.

　

Thankfully ... today ... I've recently gotten my pieces put back together again. It didn't happen overnight ... it has taken 2 years of working hard to make me look like a human again ... to finally see Me ... Myself ... in my mirror again.

　

The stranger I kept seeing in my mirror after my son died ... I couldn't bear to look at. I didn't know that poor woman ... the big blob of humanity looking back at me. I have compassion for her now ... I know what she went through. I ... made it through another of Life's battles.

　

I'm still like the tall, strong redwood tree that has stood through Life's storms. I bear many scars ... some you can see ... many you can't see. Yesterday ... this big, strong redwood tree shook when I learned of another death ... someone that was a link to my childhood, my Grandma Alma. I would have never expected such ... I felt the shock all the way to my roots literally.

　

The first years when my son died ... I couldn't think past my pain ... my world was inside me ... I couldn't see your world. Sometimes I may have wanted to ... the pull of my pain kept me anchored to the loss of my child ... inside me where my memories lived ... the only place I could go to see my son move, talk, laugh. I lived where my child lived after he died ... in the memories of my Heart, mind.

　

So, I know pain, grief the very best in my Life ... as soon as I was big enough as a little girl ... I began learning what pain felt like ... I began learning how teardrops felt as they flowed from my Heart to my eyes ... outside of me where I watched them sparkle, shine in the sunlight like little diamonds.

　

Something so beautiful from something so, so, so sad ... painful. It always amazed me. Little sparkling, shining teardrops. If I had a diamond for every teardrop ... I would be wealthy ... and would make dreams, happiness come true for people who needed miracles in their lives.

　

I wouldn't be fooled by the ones who didn't need anything and just wanted to be greedy. I grew up with such people (though I loved them with my very Heart) ... and I recognize them everywhere I go. No, I wouldn't be fooled. To be fooled would be wasting what could help another who is in need.

　

No one would know I would be watching, listening as I moved about in our world ... they wouldn't know it was me ... when something they wished for appeared in their lives. I never need thanks or anything in return when I do for others. I never-ever expect anything.

　

What I do need though ... is how it feels inside my Heart ... I need that good feeling of doing something that can help others in some way or other. It's like a healing balm to heal the open scars in my Heart from the pain, the grief I always seem to be feeling. What I need is what no one has to see, know. It's what I feel ... happiness inside.

　

Does that make me sound like a wonderful, perfect, loving, good person? I am not all that ... not at all. I have wished many times to be ... people have mistakenly thought I was perfect and so good ... when they began to step on me, someone I loved ... or became greedy ... they thought I would just let them because 'I was too nice'.

　

Oh my ... they never saw the hot, white fires of Hell coming ... I would hold back long as I could hoping they'd realize they were hurting me, someone I love ... I always try to wait 3 times giving someone the chance to realize, stop ... the benefit of doubt. I have only seen a few who really were good people realize, stop and apologize.

　

The ones who deliberately kept stepping on my Heart ... burned in the white, hot fires of Hell from my wrath ... they opened their eyes to what they were doing. Some became angry because they couldn't keep stepping on me .... some hated my guts. They never thought about their actions ... the weight of them stepping on me ... hurting me. Things they had no right doing.

　

Greed ... pure greed blinds some people. They choose not to see what they are doing, become indignant if someone makes them see. No one doing wrong likes anyone to 'really see them for what they are'. Some people use others for stepping stones to where they are going ... I might be a few of someone's stepping stones until ... I move farther out of their reach.

　

Some people will abuse verbally getting out all their frustrations, anger on someone in a bad way over and over in a day's time, every day for months, years ... knowing, trusting that person is going to listen, put up with it ... never complain ... just sit, listen to all that bothers them .... they go on with their lives feeling good for getting all off their chests ... not realizing the damage they left behind.

　

There is only one person in our Life now ... who is doing that. They have been so good to us ... we have been so good back in many, many ways no one else would be. Many people would have raised Hell way before now. We aren't like that ... we try to be as good as we can be especially when someone is good to us ... we do back more than expected to show appreciation because we want to. If not in money that we don't have ... but, in our actions.

　

For some time I have closely paid attention to the ungodly stress it is causing ... yet, I don't say anything because I'm asked not to. So, we continue to let one person into our life any time day or night to be good to ... and be a whipping post ... someone to constantly scream, cry ... bitch at for all the wrongs the world is doing to them.

　

We listen to things I won't even repeat here that we don't want to know, hear. We don't even want to hear the constant raising of voice crying about all the woes of their world. We are quiet people ... Skip's blood pressure goes through the roof ... the nurse who comes here wants to know why it's like that. She knows some of what it is and doesn't like it. She would like to put a stop to it, we don't let her. No one knows, sees what it is doing to me ....

　

That person has been good to us through time ... we are grateful. So, we listen and listen, and ..... and the white, hot fires of Hell burn brighter. They quit burning so bright at times when feeling compassion, caring for that person. We will always help them with their business, and such. We don't forget when people have been good to us. We hope we can continue for a little while longer.

　

I hope for the day instead of the white, hot fires of hell burning them ... that I can quietly, calmly talk to that person about what they've done for months and months, years. Then again ... I might not. I will decide when the time comes.

　

Sometimes ... in Life, we have to choose not to do something that would cause more harm than good ... oh yes ... whether you like it or not. Sometimes ... I feel the white, hot flames of Hell from being a little girl living in pure Hell ... burn in me making me want to raise Hell ... thankfully, I am a mature person. So, I let them burn down ... I'm always glad I didn't raise Hell.

　

I know how to ... I just try never to. When I'm about to go to sleep each night I'm glad I didn't raise Hell. Oh my ... it would feel good to do so for a short time ... but, really bad for a long time. The extra grief of hurting someone isn't worth it to me ... and if ... I did 'break bad' and hurt someone with my words ... they have truly pushed me and asked for it.

　

I have taken you from diamond teardrops to the hot, white burning flames of Hell. When I write ... one can travel all different directions when reading. I don't know if everyone likes to read what I write ... the good thing is ... you do have the choice of simply not reading and going away.

　

My stories are colors of my Life. My photos reflect how my colors change like leaves from summer to fall ... I change on the outside ... I am still Me on the inside.

I Went Through Some Photos ... Kididdle Hopper to Doodles

 

I am afraid of these insects ... to me they are what I call a kadiddle hopper ... I don't know the proper name.  When I lived at my Grandma Alma and George's ... they would jump at me when I was a little girl.  I can't take them ... they are different colors.  The ones I knew were kind of beige with pink bellies ... to  me they looked like little fat men with soft bellies!  They terrified me ... I would freeze in place not being able to move until ... my fighting spirit kicked in ... I would run!

 

 

 

 

Green ... going through my photos I was picking several out to share that just looked interesting.  This was one of them.  I imagined I look like this when I get angry ... the only thing missing would be red eyes.  Skip said he'd never seen anyone's eyes get like mine when I became angry.  I have ... my Grandma Alma.  I remember she became extra-angry one time ... I had to turn around to look at her eyes again ... her eyes looked like demons from Hell.  So scary.  She seldom got that angry ... I seldom get that angry ... but, when it happens ... all Hell breaks loose.  She may have been paralyzed but, her anger was very intimidating.  I listened.

 

I just like the simplicity of this doodle I did a long time ago.  I can't really tell you why, but I do.  Sometimes, I just like black ink on white paper.  Like white walls ... I want to draw on them.  I did as a young girl.  I also, drew on the white pages in the front and back of most of my Grandma Alma's books in her bookcase.  As a child I loved books dearly.

This rock came through the house fire that claimed all our belongings.  I saw it laying on the ground all smoked up ... I rescued it, kept it.  I painted it in the same year as the house fire ... 2004 (December 28).

 

I keep these things in this photo and the photo below this one on our refrigerator. They are in Memory of Tommy, my son.  He died May 29, 2010.

 

In Memory of Tommy ... born 11-20-1969 ... died May 29,2010

 

I love salads like the one I made in this photo ... I love colors in my food just like my paints ... lots of happy colors.

 

This is a doodle I did of a sunflower, and roses.  Sometimes, I cut around things I draw, paint and make greeting cards, posters and such.  I used to make 3-D posters for the hospital I worked in ... with everyone's birthday on it for each month.  I also, did the same with the sign for the Gift Shop, there.  Someone still has that sign after all this time.

 

I love this color pink ... it reminds me of my cousin just before she died.  She wore a pretty pink shirt with her long, blonde hair and gold-colored glasses.  That day she sparkled with a light around her.  I won't ever forget it ... she was beautiful.  Shortly after that ... she was in a head-on crash with a log truck, died.  This was only several days after our home burned down ... so much bad so quickly.  She was helping us get on our feet.  This photo of me taken January ... 2019.

Don't ask me why ... but, I like this doodle I did for some reason.  It is part of my Coffee Filter Art I've done.  I love purple and green ... they are my most favorite colors and ... good luck colors.  I need to wear it, keep it around me ... I need all the good luck I can get.

These are some photos that stood out to me today for no special reason.  I wanted to put them on my blog, share them with you.  Do you ever go through your photos?  I'm beginning to do that more often now ... I couldn't after Tommy died.  I also, stopped hanging family photos on the wall.  Skip kept family photos of his and my family in his study, still does.  It's like a phone to me ... I stopped using a phone very much and hanging photos after losing my son.

Photos, blog post owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates.

Blue Ball Lightning and ... Evil-Ass People

　

 

Gloria Faye Brown Bates as little girl in Hell ...

 

 

 

Gloria Faye Brown Bates

Gloria Faye Brown Bates as a little girl who lived in Hell (I look at myself as a child ... I hid it well, no one could see the terrible pain in my heart) .......... photo of Gloria Faye Brown Bates as an adult taken January 2019.



　

Blue Ball Lightning and ... Evil-Ass People

　

I used to see blue ball lightning roll across the floor as a child. Skip Bates and I were just talking about it. I thought everyone saw it. I saw it often when there was a storm.

I was very afraid of storms ... I would run, get a quilt and sit on the end of the old red, vinyl couch in Grandma Alma's front room.

The quilt would be wrapped tightly around my whole body ... the only opening in it was when I would open it just wide enough to peep out.

Whenever I peeped out I would be looking directly into the bedroom my teenage aunt lived in ... that's where the blue ball of lightning slowly rolled out from every time.

The blue ball of lightning was the size of a basketball ... it would slowly roll toward me. Oh my ... I was a little girl of nine ... it would frighten me to death. It seemed to be staring at me. I would close the quilt back up and stay hidden inside. Later when I would open the quilt to peep ... it would be gone. I would breathe better each time. I was so afraid.

All through time I never met anyone who saw it like I did. I lived at my Grandma Alma and George's (you recognize the names if you have always read my writing on my blog: happycolorsandgrannygee.blogspot.com )

As an adult, I've researched it a little and found that it's a rare phenomenon and maybe 5% of the population has seen it. How about that? I don't know how accurate that is ... but, as a child I just knew everyone saw it too. In fact ... as a small child I thought everyone lived in Hell just like I did. Growing up ... I learned not everyone lived in such.

I read once that ball lightning was associated with evil ... now, I don't know how true that is since I don't ... and there's never been a study on it ... no one else knows what exactly it is.

I formed my own opinion ... thinking if that were so ... then it came out of the appropriate door! My teenage aunt lived in that room ... she was evil and so mean, truly mean ... and as the years rolled by ... she grew even eviler. She was as evil as they come.

When my mother would disappear for months she would scream at me and the other children. I lived there so, it made it easy for her to beat me, slap me around. She was the meanest young person I've ever known.

She beat me once with a piece of wood meant for the wood stove at my grandmother's. She left bloody places on my little girl body. I remember I screamed, cried ... I told her I would tell my mother (her sister).

Oh my, when one day my mother finally come home from her latest adventure ... I told her and all Hell broke out! She whipped my aunt's ass all over the place ... at one time I bent over and popped my aunt's face for beating me so badly. My aunt tried to bribe me with a Timex watch to not tell my mother what she did ... I told my mother.

My mother would leave me all the time for months to go on her adventures never knowing, realizing she left me at the mercy of the world. She never knew all the bad, mean things that happened to me.

Today in my adult life ... is the first time I'm thankful to have grown up in Hell ... because all through time I have found it to pull me through things that have been so painful, battles with cancer, grief, bad things that happened in my life. It made me a very strong person who only became stronger ... thankfully ... without being bitter.

Oh ... and I have one Hell of a fighting spirit ... inherited from my Grandma Alma who was the strongest woman I've ever known ... and she was paralyzed and lived in pure Hell. George was blind ... her husband. He was the only grandfather I ever knew, and the first kindest man I ever knew. Skip is the second kindest man I ever knew ... my precious husband.

I just know Life can have many unexpected twists, turns and all we can do is to twist, turn with it. My, my ... how I have rode this roller-coaster of a ride (and I hate roller coasters!) called Life. I'm still on it and plan to be for a long, long time. I still love Life no matter I've known mostly pain, grief.

So, if ... I say 'IF' ... ball lightning is associated :) ... with evil ... it came out of the right room ... and in the right house because I lived in Hell ... and you wouldn't believe the evil, vile things this little girl grew up in. And that particular aunt ........................................

I still loved my family ... because when they weren't treating me bad ... they would smile at me, speak kindly ... and touch my little girl heart ... I'd forgive in a second.

I knew some truly ... when I say that I don't say it lightly ... some truly evil people in my own family. The strange thing was I loved them ... they were my family. They were all I knew, I had.

I hate to say this ... I associate ball lightning ... with the mean, evil-ass aunt I had. See ... I try to be 'good' all the time and think 'perfect' thoughts ... I just can't. I have to be as good as I can because I do think mean thoughts sometimes ... and I just can't be perfect to save my life. :) <3

Besides ... this is how I really feel, think ... I write about the very real things in my life. I can even picture my evil-ass aunt sitting on top of that blue ball lightning ... rolling out of her bedroom door ... hair all wild, cussing up a Hell-storm ... to get me! :)

Now ... that's a frightening vision! Now, if you've never experienced ball lightning ... you'll remember, associate it with my crazy experiences as a little girl with it, ha!

Oh ... this is another 'oh' ... I loved that mean evil-ass aunt always. As an adult I had to distant myself from her as she wanted to control everyone through blackmail, threats, and such. I wasn't afraid of her ... and no one else in my family. I knew how to take them down ... though I never did. I'm not evil.

I loved all of them ... they are all gone today ... and my Heart has grieved for each, every one as they all died since 2000 on both sides of my family ... not in good ways, either ... not in normal ways. Bad things happened to most of my family to cause death.

I have grieved so much ... and the last 8 years I've grieved for the loss of my son, Tommy. I have begun to embrace Life again ... imagine me on that roller coaster again called Life ... eyes bright, smile on my face ... holding on for dear life!

I'm wishing for good, happy things in my Life now ... that will last for the rest of my days ... I would love to know how it feels ... I've had a taste of good life all during my life ... but, never for long. I would like to have ever-lasting peace, happiness, even some wealth now :) :) :) <3 <3 I'm trying to be specific in what I ask for, ha!

　

True story/photos of me as child and adult today (2019) ... written, owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates



　

 

Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... photo taken January 2019

Photo below when little girl just before being thrown in Hell ...

Adventures! Seeing Life All Over The World Through The Eyes Of Others ...

　

 

Last photo taken of Tommy just a short time (hour or two) before he collapsed at the beach, died May 29, 2010.

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates

 

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates

 

Stone Mountain where Tommy wanted his ashes scattered ... I think his wife scattered them without telling us.  It's sad not to know.  I forgive her for that.  Tommy grew up near here ... so did I.  I was a young girl when I went there to live.

 

 

 

Adventures! Seeing Life All Over The World Through The Eyes Of Others ...

　

I was just looking at scuba diving websites, courses in scuba diving. If Tommy had lived I would have learned to scuba dive. I was so interested in his adventures when he'd take off with a bunch of his friends, go to the Florida (the last place he went to dive) to scuba dive in the ocean. He would go other places and so much has happened and I lived in grief so long ... I've forgotten so much.

I just joined some of the sites/groups so, I can read about their wonderful adventures. I miss so many things Tommy used to share with me. He was so much like me in that he was all the time learning, wanting to do everything, talk to people who did things he didn't ... enjoying hearing their adventures, experiences.

Tommy would have loved all my various friends here ... and been friends with them. From singing, playing music to deep sea diving, writing, drawing, dancing, skiing ... painting ... herping ... catching the invasive snakes in the Everglades ... raising big, beautiful turtles ... hiking in the swamps or mountains to rescuing, relocating alligators or other wild animals, working with wood, photography, birds, training dogs, rescuing dogs, cats ... baking, cooking, driving a truck, nursing, doctors ... making pottery, crafts ... and so on ... everything a person can think of to do ... my wonderful Facebook Friends do it all.

Yes, Tommy would have fit in perfectly with them all. Except ... I look up to Heaven as I say this ... because Tommy may be listening ... but, I have to say it ... Tommy couldn't sing at all!

I am smiling because he thought he could. I would try to tell him he couldn't and he'd say, "you are just jealous, mama". Truthfully ... I look up as I say this ... "no, Tommy, you really couldn't sing!" Neither can I :)

He would have the respect my friends here have for alligators, sharks ... any living creature. He wouldn't kill anything for sport. Skip and I are the same way. We don't harm anything unless it had to be to save someone ... something such as that.

I don't make friends with anyone I think abuses wildlife to make an adventure happen. Nor do I have any use for people who abuse dogs, cats and other pets. I would be just like everyone who is my Facebook Friend ... they do things the right way ... have compassion, care, deep respect. So would Tommy.

Tommy was also, trained in PADI open water emergency rescue. I'm not sure I said it right as I don't scuba dive. He was a natural in the water. I used to take him and my little brother swimming as young boys at the pool.

Tommy used to jump into the lake when we lived at Lake Royale Lake Royale- Louisburg,NC) ... and do something I thought was amazing ... he would swim completely across that lake. I remember once he told me about tiring out in the middle of the lake, gracious! I felt faint thinking a about that ... where can one rest at? He 'rested' in the water ... I would drown.

When he became older he began learning to scuba dive at Fantasy Lake in Rolesville, NC. I'll never forget his air tanks, scuba diving equipment burning up in the house fire that claimed all our belongings. I can still see the air tank ... how it was smoked up, laying on the grass. Life is so sad. I was thinking of how hurt Tommy was.

I love the very real adventures Tommy would tell me about. You just don't see what they got to see in the ocean ... in a lake!

Sharks, sting rays, jelly fish ... all kind of huge ocean life ... ship wrecks, and such lying on the ocean floor. They had to be extra careful around the wrecks ... lot of danger. Their diving equipment could get caught, torn apart ... such things as that.

What is too exciting are the sharks ... aggressive sharks that could appear any time. I'm imagining now! I would have to scuba dive in 'tame' places, ha! Or in a shark cage ... and if a shark began banging the cage ... oh my, I would freak out. I've become most cautious through the years. As a young girl I would have jumped right in without thinking.

This morning my mind has been on adventure. Looking at the photos on my Facebook Newsfeed keep my imagination alive. The photos I get to see are amazing. I'm honored to see the world through the eyes of my Facebook Friends. They live with wildlife, scenery like I've never seen. Thank you all.

Story/photo written/owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates.

Things Put Up ... For The Day That Comes ... The Day Came!

 

Photos of  Gloria Faye Brown Bates taken September 2018-January 2019

 

 

 

 

I was sitting here wondering all kinds of things.  I normally do that ... I don't talk about things to anyone ... I write my thoughts.

 

 

I was wondering about wearing my nice clothes ... they are all I have.  They are clothes I've had hanging in my closet ... folded up in plastic containers, folded in drawers.

 

 

My clothes are clothes I've had for years ... since as far back as 2005.  They are nice clothes and look as if they cost more than they actually do. 

 

I've always selected my clothing to look the nicest for the money I pay for them.  When I do have extra money I spend more on clothes ... unless I see a better deal.  I love to save and get the most for my money.

 

 

The strange thing is when ... fat ... my clothes didn't look good because my body didn't wear them well.  The smaller I got on my weight-loss journey ... I began pulling clothes out I haven't worn in years. Now ... they fit again and ... they look so nice. 

 

 

I've always kept my clothes nice.  But ... no one cares when one is fat, out of shape ... who looks at clothes then ... unless they are out of the ordinary? Right?

 

 

Each time I take something out to wear ... or keep trying on to see how much weight I've lost ... how much to lose before wearing this or that ... I am so thankful they are still new ... put up and never worn but, a few times.  That's how I've always done ... I have a tendency to gain weight.  So my clothes come out only to be put back up until 'the day comes again I can wear them'.  That day never came ... until now!  Yay-yyyyy! 

 

 

I can't ever gain weight again at this age and time ... I will have to guard against it.  I'm not a young girl anymore ... it's easier to gain some weight, take it off ... or carry it well when stronger, younger. I want to grow older as gracefully as possible ... I can't with excess weight.

 

 

I'm so glad I've always taken care of my things be it clothes or my computer, my art things ... everything.  All still look 'brand new' and I had things for years ... you don't see wear and tear on them.  That means I don't take things for granted ... I know in my life ... I don't always have the money to go out to buy new things ... only at times does that happen.  I take extra-good care of what I have ... I appreciate them that much.

 

 

When I have a little extra ... I will buy clothes on sale at the nicer stores I always shopped at.  I used to afford the most expensive ... now, I shop their clearance racks to get nice clothes.  It can be done ... I can still dress nice and not pay a lot for clothes.  That's because I want to ... I love clothes that are beautiful, have design. 

 

 

I used to dress in the most beautiful clothes never looking at the price tag ... I still yearn to dress like that... but, I have to pay less now ... and get the prettiest for little money.  I'm happy, I've done pretty good.  That's because I know it can be done on a much smaller budget. 

 

 

One would be completely surprised at how little you can pay sometimes when something is on sale, clearance rack ... that you couldn't afford when seeing it before at full price.  You really have to take time to look ... really look.  I do that and it pays off when I do.

 

 

I just add one piece ever so often to what I have ... I can't tell you the happiness I feel inside when I do.  Now ... when I put my clothes on they look much nicer than my 'fat clothes' did.  The cost in my clothes isn't any different ... but, my sizes are/was much, much different. 

 

 

Pay attention to what I just said ... I know there are people who understand EXACTLY what I mean when I say:  THE COST IN MY CLOTHES ... ISN'T ANY DIFFERENT ... BUT ... MY SIZES ARE/WAS MUCH DIFFERENT.

 

 

No one looks at pretty your clothes when one is big, fat ... they don't see them for looking at the weight-gain.  They DO notice when you/me become little again ... they can see how pretty clothes look.

 

 

Think about it being brutally honest ... that is if you want to take the time to.  Think about your clothes if you have been heavier ... so much that clothes just don't look well at all on one when big, fat like I was.  I'm always talking about myself when I talk 'big, fat ... heavier'.  This is a 'walk in my shoes for a moment to see, feel, understand'.

 

 

You look in the mirror panicking because you have to go to a funeral, wedding ... an event so important ... you have gained so much weight , what in the world will you wear?  How can you look as nice as everyone else with all the extra weight?  You are going to see so and so ... and they'll see how overweight you've become. 

 

 

This is when I cared ... this didn't happen to me these past 8 years since my son died.  I was grieving and the world I lived in didn't give a damn what I wore, didn't wear ... what you wore, didn't wear.  That didn't exist my world of darkness ... it didn't matter ... period.  I'm talking about normal weight gain in normal times ... not when something BAD happened.

 

 

No matter what you chose to put on ... it never looked quite right.  It had to be loose to not show weight gain ... long enough to hide one's stomach, thighs, ass ... yes, big ass.  Hey, it's the truth ... my ass got big, too.  And ... if it was winter time ... thank God ... I can put on a coat ... and wallah!  my weight is hidden for a time.  No ... I won't take off my coat, I'm so cold!

 

 

I'm so glad to be able to speak about my weight gain now ... I'm almost to my goal.  It doesn't hurt me now to talk about it ... before ... it hurt like Hell when I became aware of myself ... waking up from my grief-stricken world I lived in for years.  Oh my God ... then, before ... I had no idea I could be to ... now, today ... after.

 

 

So see ... no one could see your clothes are half-way nice ... for looking at the awful weight-gain ... and how you/me changed so much gaining all that weight.  Wow ... she used to be beautiful with a wonderful figure ... that's what people thought.  The last thought was clothes unless they stood out to be dirty ... ugly-ugly ... or too tight ... you know what I mean.

 

 

Some women felt happiness to see such a drastic change in a pretty person ... their 'threat' is gone ... it's amazing to see the shock, unhappiness when they see that same person ... and all the excess weight is gone!  No more taking pleasure in someone else's 'downfall'. 

 

 

In their minds ... that person has become a 'threat' again ... whether they really are or aren't.  Sometimes ... it serves their asses right ... if someone does become a real threat to 'pay their asses back'.  :) I had to be mean for a moment to say that. 

 

 

I'm a good person but, not perfect ... I still think mean thoughts!  I see, notice everything about people ... I don't forget anything.  If you closed a door in my face ... my day will come ... to choose whether to in your face or ... not.  Normally ... I don't choose to ... if I do ... then, it's truly deserved.

 

 

So ... this morning I was thinking about the strange feeling I've discovered about myself lately.  We are at our worst financially ... and here I am ... putting on my nice clothes every day.  No one knows they've been stored away for 'the day I lose weight' ... they notice my clothes now!  Amazing!  They didn't ... when I was FAT ... and the only difference in them then ... was SIZE.

 

 

I still have some huge clothes with paint colors on them that I have used through time to paint, do projects.  They look terrible now ... hang on me ... should I wear them to reflect we aren't doing well financially ... you know ... dress down? instead of being so happy to put clothes I haven't worn in years on ... wearing them.

 

 

It's a strange feeling to be stressed from financial issues ... and having lost weight to feel such happiness at the same time ... to put on pretty clothes again.

 

 

I feel guilty like ... I should dress down to look 'the part' ... look 'as poor' as we really are.  What are your thoughts?

 

 

Guess what?  I'm not going to do that ... I'm going to keep dressing pretty regardless and try to balance stress so it doesn't completely destroy me, mentally.  I still have a few more clothes waiting to fit this body of mine ... I want to see how they will look!

 

 

The difference is ... SIZE ... no one looked at my clothes when I looked awful, fat.  Now ... when I walk in a room ... everyone looks ... like years ago!  I have to learn to cope with that now as an older lady ... it feels good, but ... it can feel strange too.  In fact ... scary.  I know I'll get over it!  :) I want to look nice again. 

 

 

No, I'm not going to try to dress down for anyone.  I'm lucky to have clothes put up ... I sure haven't been able to afford shopping trips since losing so much weight. 

 

 

How many people lose so much weight DON'T get to go shopping for new clothes?  Not many.  I haven't gotten to ... Life comes first and I'm not that selfish ... we have bills, meds, doctors, gas, monthly pay-outs ... Pups's food, chews, treats that all come first.

 

 

I'm thankful I had lots of clothes put up for 'the day that comes when I lose enough weight' ... I believed that day would come. It took so long ... but, it's here now.  These clothes are here at the perfect time in my life. 

 

 

All through the years I've found that most women when overweight can walk to their closets, drawers, containers ... show you lots of clothes all sizes ... they've put up for the day they lose weight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Hearts ... New Friends on Facebook ... Birds of a Different Color To Cupcakes ... Evil           

Written/owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ...Photos of my Coffee Filter Art/ my happy colors!.  My thoughts today:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ever so often I let new friends know why I place a <3 on their posts, it is a respectful, good heart. 

I am a Heart person. It shows I care and whatever you posted ... and I put a heart on ... touched me in some way ... a good way. 

I let my new male friends know this ... so, they don't worry that I'm flirting ... looking for another man. 

I promise you I have the most perfect Husband for me in this world.  No one can fill his shoes. 

That's not to say all other men aren't perfect enough for the women in their lives :) <3 

Skip is perfect for me in my life <3 

Just know ALWAYS my <3 <3 <3 are meant in the nicest, most respectful, good way.

My hearts <3 <3 <3 means something you said, the things you did or do ... stood/stand out to me ... that's why you are here as my Facebook Friend.  

Something good stood out to me about you.  When I pick my friends here ... my Friends reflect what I love, admire, respect in Life. 

You see my Friends are from every walk of life ... they are so different and in my world ... like birds don't always flock together meaning my birds are so different in wonderful ways.  I don't like just one kind of bird.

How can one learn from only one kind of bird ... how can Life be wonderful, exciting with only one kind of bird?  If everyone was alike ... it would be like eating one kind of cupcake for the rest of your life while you had to sit back seeing, wishing for all the colorful, wonderful cupcakes that go by. 

Give me all kinds of wonderful cupcakes!  :) :) :) <3 <3  The more colors the frosting ... the different flavors of cupcakes ... big, little,

thick, thin ... if they stand out to me ... I will have one.  Silly, I know ... truth, yes!

My problem in Life has been I 'love so many things' ... I am 'interested in so many things' ... I have always had a hard time choosing when it comes down to having to make a choice.  Same ordering food when out.  I want to taste everything, experience everything. 

So, my Friends reflect ME ... my love for all the wonderful, different things they do ... the exciting lives they lead.  If I had been able to ... I would have become an expert at everything :)

So ... I'm not an expert at anything ... excepting being a bird of many colors ... admiring, respecting ... loving the things everyone has the courage to do. 

It's like when I see friends hiking in the swamp ... I hold my breath when looking at the photos ... for a few moments seeing, feeling through their eyes ... I am looking for alligators ... they are looking for wonderful plants, and such.  I am worried about the depth of the water they are in ... they are enjoying it. 

So ... I'm sitting back at a safe distance admiring, respecting others who have such courage, love, passion to go to the lengths they go to ... to learn ... to show others 'what's out there' that they'd never know, see if it weren't for them.  My friends are the pioneers of this world.

They share their photos of all the wonderful plants, trees, snakes, alligators! turtles ... insects ... everything.  I'm honored, grateful to get to see them.  They photograph, paint the most wonderful photos to share ... to make one almost feel like they are there. I feel their love, passion for what they do. 

My friends dive beneath the ocean to swim with sharks, whales, and all kinds of things.  Their photos are wonderful.  (My son, Tommy, was a diver ... like me he was interested in everything and learned to do so much ... his wife also, learned to dive in deep water.)

My friends play wonderful music.  I admire them because I always wished to sing instead of draw, write.  Sadly, it's a good thing I don't sing.  I was thinking of my son when he was here ... I would tease him because ... he couldn't sing either :)  He would say, "Mama, you are just jealous because you wish to sing". 

My birds/friends are the spice of life ... they are all kinds of mixtures, flavors.  I think my friends here are the most interesting people, fun people. 

They will go where others won't go ... share what they discover.  Some will go farther where others won't or will.  I'm always amazed.  I'm always honored to get to share their worlds through their photos.  I never take them for granted.

Some friends are comedians in nightclubs ... some are raunchy.  I don't care ... they are good people at the same time. That's what matters ... good people no matter if they don't always reflect that.  Some are chefs ... making, baking all kinds of foods ... some make good foods ... some make foods that aren't my favorite ... but ... they are good people.

Some people have been to a prison, jail ... in motorcycle clubs or bigger ... some look tough, intimidating.  Some are mean and dangerous.  Doesn't matter ... they are good to me, others.  They are good people. Their hearts stand out to me.  I look past the cover of the book.  

I look for good in people.  There are only a few people I've found to be truly evil ... some were in my own family.  I could have been truly evil ... I couldn't be like them ... I have a big heart.

I look for beautiful in ugly and when I do I usually find at least a little beauty where others can't see it. 

My friends are beautiful, ugly ... fat, thin ... tall, short ... tattooed, no tattoos ... they are every color you can think of ... they are birds of a feather/color ...  in my book meaning they do many different, wonderful things and no one is alike.

As for skin color ... wow ... I don't think about it.  When someone is kind, good to me ... to others ... that's what is important.  I would hate for all I did to be based on the color of someone's skin color.  If we did ... think of the many wonderful, good people we wouldn't ever know, share knowledge with, learn from.

I have been judged by my color several times in my life ... I got to experience the shock, ugliness of how it felt to be the color I am ... listen to the words coming out of an ugly mouth.  I felt the hatred for me.  It hurt me deeply.  It is something I'll never forget ... it hurt so bad.  How can I do that to another person?  I can't. I know that pain.

I don't judge others by color, how big, little they are ...how ugly, beautiful they are.  I am some of all that ... have been at one time or other in my life.

I am a very different bird too <3 But, a very good bird! <3  I am a bird of many colors ... happy colors.  <3 with a big Heart.  So, if you see a heart from me ... know it is a good heart meant in the nicest way.

Written/owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ...Photos of my Coffee Filter Art/ my happy colors!.  My thoughts today.