'If I Can Free Those Birds' ...

Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... 2019


IF I CAN FREE THOSE BIRDS ... (written, owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... photos, also)




No one chooses when grief surfaces. All can go well and all of a sudden ... it happens. NO one can understand until they lose someone closest to their hearts ... NO ONE.




Sometimes people will wonder why in the world after all this time grief has such power. I can say until you lose your own child, your own loved ones ... they won't ever understand.




What people can't understand ... the ones who haven't lost anyone dear ... is that like when my son died ... he is still alive in my mind. I see, hear him walk, talk, laugh, be silly ... I see his tears, happiness ... through all my memories ... he is alive in my memories. I am not seeing him ... DEAD ... in my memories. If I dwell on that ... oh my God. I can't do that ... it has an effect on my chest discomfort I've been experiencing for a week now.




What I am trying to say is ... if Tommy M Sidden Tommy walked into this room at this very moment ... it would be ... like yesterday. It would be like he's been on a trip and just got home. I haven't forgotten a thing about my child. We could ... take up where we left off in our life.




This is how I describe my grief ... I don't know about yours or anyone else's. I am trying to understand myself about the whys? of grief ... when it happens, what triggers it so I can avoid whatever it is. The pain is too much ... oh my God ... I will live the rest of my life without my son. He should have outlived ME, his mother.




You see only my words here ... you don't see my thoughts of ... I have things put up meant to leave to my son that only he would have treasured. You don't see all the things a mother shares with her child in my Heart now ... whereas you as a parent are actually living these very things out with your child.




You can't understand until ... it's all cut off abruptly ... your ... child dies. Your child isn't here anymore. So much unfinished living ... all your plans, dreams in that child, all your love ... it's all cut off the moment you are told he/she has died. So many thoughts, feelings I won't ever get to share with my son ... gone. No one even realizes that grief is more ... than the word ... 'grief'. No one knows it goes so much deeper into a person's heart ... where there aren't words to describe it.




I've never read anything to say the things I've just said. I've had to face all these things. I've lived the panicky sensations in my heart ... like during these holidays I'm going through such. I don't choose to be sad ... all the while I'm trying to ease the panic inside ... that feels like birds trapped in a cage desperately trying to escape. If ... when ... 'I can free those birds' ... I can be alright again.




Until then ... I will stay to myself and I'll write the pain, panicky feelings away. I won't talk about them to any one person. That's not ME ... I write ... I don't talk about it. I don't add my burdens to other people's lives ... I don't add sadness to others' lives. I do my best to always be smiling ... just like going to the doctor ... say, "I'm just fine!" I am guilty of doing just that :)




I have promised all through time to write ... describe grief as I personally know, experience it to all who have followed ME for years since Tommy died (my only child, my son).




I have done well coping with it through time ... but NO one has seen ME cry, go to pieces ... go through the agony, anguish ... I chose to grieve in private ... I lived in my own personal Hell.




Many people have the luxury of family to grieve with ... people who loved the same person you did. They cry together, help the other through the most awful pain in this world. Many have someone to counsel them through their grief.




I didn't have any family left to cry with ... everyone began dying before my son died. Many died under circumstances that I won't write about anymore ... hurts just too bad. So many, many questions that won't ever be answered. Today ... I don't want to know the answers ... I don't think I could bear it.




I don't grieve for only one person ... so many of my family members ... they all died too close together ... on both sides of my family. My grief hasn't ever had a chance to just rest. Combined with my only child's death ... a part of ME, my Heart ...




Grieving ... what no one knows is that when I am grieving for my son ... I'm grieving for my mother ... even my father whom I loved, hated ... my brothers, every family member whom I loved with my very Heart. No one was perfect .. but, they were my family, the only family I ever had, knew. They are where I came from ... I'm the most imperfect person in this world. Humor here ... I'm lucky I'm not just a blooming idiot. Maybe I am and I just not know it. So be it :)




I also, grieve for the loss of ever knowing my 2 grandchildren since Tommy died. No one can know that pain either until they FEEL it. They were all left in this whole world of MY son. I won't discuss this or answer comments on it. I know you respect me on this just as I respect you. <3




I never had anyone to go to grieve with even when my family members were living. I suffer in silence until I'm alright again. With my son's death, family members ... it has taken all these past 9 years to get through it. I made it. Real Life ... if you live Real Life ... you are going to die. If you have loved ones who live, they will die one day, also.




Hopefully ... as a parent you won't outlive your children. It's really bad to begin to grow older ... no one being there for you that's your own flesh, blood to protect, love you as one's child/children do.




So, you ask ... why didn't I share my grief with my husband ... with Skip Bates Skip? Because it's rare I discuss painful things with Skip ... he becomes concerned ... it's hard for him to focus on other things when he knows I'm not doing well. Skip has been very sick through time ... I kept my pain to myself and just kept taking care of him. I was so afraid of losing him too. Skip and I are so close that we hurt when the other hurts. He and our Pups3 are all I have left in my world ... they are my world.




I have to pretend to be okay. That's alright ... I've played that game all my life ... a little humor here again and it's true ... when I go to the doctor when sick and he asks me how I'm feeling ... I answer quickly, "I am fine, thank you!" You won't hear ME complain. Even going through my health crises with cancer, medical ... no one ever heard me complain. Why?




I don't wallow in my pain ... I fight it. I fight to get out of it, away from it. The worse part about grief ... you can't get out of it ... you can't get away from it. It's the heaviest thing I've ever carried in my life ... yet ... no one can see when I struggle.




Rather than to make others feel bad for ME ... I stay to myself until I'm ready to be out and about again. Sometimes ... people don't understand ... the ones who know ME best ... understand. They have to ... in person, I can't talk about it, I won't try.




The positive here is ... I never stay down on the ground very long when Life knocks me down. As I'm falling I am already dusting my pants off for the getting right back up. That's my fighting spirit I inherited from my Grandma Alma.




Note from this Author:




My Grandma Alma was paralyzed for over 20 years ... she was very fragile, weak ... yet ... she was the strongest woman I ever knew. She had one Helluva fighting spirit. She lived in Hell with George, her husband. He was the only grandfather I ever knew ... the kindest man I ever knew until Skip. George was blind. I was thrown into Hell to live with them. Gloria Faye Brown Bates Tommy M Sidden Skip Bates Dukester Kissy Camie Precious Camo