Awake again for the past 2 hours ... sitting here with a hot cup of coffee for comfort ... Camie with her head on my feet ... Skip beside me asleep.
I have been decluttering down to the smallest of things ... I won't stop until so much is gone. Think about all the 'millions' of little things in boxes, drawers, cabinets from years gone by.
I came across many photos ... I couldn't look at them. Why? I am always afraid of the pain they bring. When I see our albums ... I won't look ... I can't bear it. Skip Bates loves to look at all the photos ... I just can't. I feel a heaviness in the pit of my stomach thinking about it.
Everyone is gone all the way to my only child, Tommy M Sidden Tommy. This month is the month he was born ... November 20th. I more than miss him just as you would if your car was missing one wheel.
He was an important part of mine ... Skip's life. We were very close. No one can know this pain unless you lost a son, child. I could sit here all day trying to tell you ... unless you've felt, lived that pain ... you can't know. He was my only child.
I have listened to people say things about how he is 'better off now, in a better place' ... I have seen through time the very same people lose someone ... they don't say their loved ones are 'better off now'.
Their tune changes when they actually live, feel the grief of losing their loved one. I truly dislike very much anyone saying that to me ... I can only look at them ... and have nothing to say to them. It is better to say nothing at all ... especially if you haven't ever experienced it. How do you know?
I don't know what to say when someone loses a loved one even after the death of all my loved ones. I can only say I feel, care in my Heart and I am sorry they now, walk a path I have traveled too many times. I know in my Heart they have a long road ahead filled with pure pain, grief, darkness. No one can walk that road for you.
I can tell you this from all I have been through... no matter how alright you are ... no matter how many smiles you smile ... grief is just beneath the surface ... think of how you turn back the covers on your bed ... grief is always there like the sheets on your bed.
I have learned to live with such pain so much bigger than me ... like everyone I have to play the game of Life if I want to survive. It took five or more years before I could leave the darkness, pain I lived in every second of my waking life ... during that time it was rare for me to be around anyone. I never shared my pain with anyone. Why would I?
I am private ... I suffer in silence so, I don't affect anyone else's life. If I affect someone's life I hope it would always be in a positive way ... if I ever affected one's life in a negative way I never meant to ... even to people I completely dislike. I don't set out to hurt others, nor do I sit talking, tearing others down.
Life has taught ME that we are all at different stages in our own lives ... we all learn Life's lessons differently ... some people never learn at all. In our own ways we all do the best we can. The ones who do very bad things ... I can't speak for them ... we each walk our own path, and are responsible for our own actions.
Since Tommy died I have always kept my promise to everyone who follows, keeps up with me ... I write about real grief, pain because in my life that's what I have known only too well since being a child.
I write not for your pity, sympathy ... I write so, I can live ... survive. I can't live with pain, grief bigger than I ... writing is my release so, I don't break down.
There are some people who live with what I live with in their Hearts ... sometimes, we think we are alone until we see, read ... hear others with similar stories. Sometimes it helps just knowing we aren't alone.
No one needs to think I am sitting here having a pity party ... or breakdown from grief ... I am one of the strongest people you will ever meet ... you wouldn't know that meeting me. I couldn't have made it to ... today if I wasn't.
Do I ever cry, become hurt? Oh yes! But, if I can help it you won't ever know it. I say this always ... I never want to affect anyone's life in a sad, bad, negative way ... never.
I care too much, never want to hurt anyone even the people I truly dislike. If I ever hurt someone ... you have to think what in the world did they do to cause it?
Being private I don't have to experience what a lot of people do ... things I dislike very much. That's gossiping, finding fault with everyone I know too well, thinking I know what's best for someone, tearing down someone's character to make others dislike them, telling everything on them ... the list goes on.
No one can accuse me of gossiping, telling someone's private life, meddling, trying to go to bed with their husbands, or try to take advantage of them... because I don't get caught up in such. Like me, you know too many females who do ... exactly what I just mentioned. They thrive on hurting, manipulating others. I can NOT do that to people. Yes, there are men who do this too. I am NOT that way.
If I am your friend ... I am a real friend. I am a real friend who doesn't want to get in your personal life (I firmly believe there are boundaries 'friends' don't cross). I am a friend who is there but, isn't. Meaning I have to stay to myself, I don't go shopping, or to parties with you, or run around with you.
I am just the quiet friend who cares with her Heart ... I love from a distance. My Life has shaped, molded ME this way ... and though it can be lonely ... I never have to tolerate drama, nonsense ... nor can anyone ever say, "that damn Gloria! she did such and such!" My mind can rest easy ... knowing I don't hurt others.
If you find a reason not to like me, I respect that just as you will respect me for not liking you. I can still be very nice. If you find things to be mad at me, not like me ... that's your game for whatever you are playing ... I don't play with you. I hope you like, care about me as a person ... if not, that's Life. We don't always like everyone.
I like, love myself ... I know how to entertain myself with creating ... caring for Skip, Camie. So ... ME being lonely isn't always a negative thing ... I can always go somewhere to hear, be around people ... yet not have to be with them.
I'm not perfect at all 🙂🙃🙂❤❤ but ... I am ... alright.
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