8:24 am 💚 April 02, 2024 💜 Tuesday 💛 ....... Soul-deep ... Memories ... I Lived My 'Hell' Here On Earth
Well, I have been driving all night ... the good thing I'm very well rested. I feel like I haven't lost any sleep at all 🙂🙃🙂
The truth is ... I didn't lose sleep at all because I was dreaming. As I woke up I had gotten to Creedmoor, North Carolina thinking I was in Roxboro, North Carolina. Strange, but ... true. One can do anything in a dream and be justified.
The photo with my story this morning is just another Facebook Memory. It made me think at this very moment ... what do I have the most of at this day and time? You are right ... memories. Oh! And photos.
As for memories... I only look for them in my mind when I write. I can't live in the past raking over old memories every day ... every minute of my life.
I remember as a very young person my mind stayed in the past on all the pain , abuse both physical, mentally ... of course then ... living in the past so to speak ... my childhood memories weren't very old. At that time all was so fresh, raw ... the memories hadn't had time to heal, become pain-free.
Today ... all my memories have had time to heal, become pain-free excepting ... one. Excepting memories of Tommy, my precious son. I can't see a day, a moment when my Heart doesn't hurt when I remember my only baby ... my only child ... my son.
How can I make you understand if you've never lost a child? A child ... better yet ... your child is the most real part of you. You are the one as a mother who carried your baby inside your body for in my case, almost 10 months.
Your mind, time was dedicated to the precious being inside your own body. Such excitement you'd never felt in your entire life ... dominated your every waking moment.
Oh my, the excitement that you were actually going to have a real baby! Something of your very own ... something so special words can't describe ... you ... for-real you ... as its mother ... would be bringing into this world.
The sunshine just began to shine brightly outside my bedroom window when I wrote my last sentence ... for a split second I felt the excitement from those many years ago. Of course, that excitement ... plus the automatic excitement I always feel seeing the sun shine each morning ... felt exhilarating.
I will only remember for a brief moment at this time ... memories, photos are my downfall ... I can't bear looking at them long. I don't have time to 'get lost' ... in my writing this morning.
To understand in a sense how it feels to lose your child is like if you lost a part of your body, mind, soul leaving a huge, empty space of nothing but, pure pain, anguish ... pure torment in its place. An ocean of treacherous waves, storms, lightening, fear of not being able to survive, live from something so much bigger than yourself. Never any rest, never a break from it to recover, come back to do it again.
A weight such as one so heavy as you've never carried in your life. A weight that you, you alone ... had to either learn to live with, pick it up and carry for the rest of your life ... or go on ... die. I almost didn't.
A weight such as I'd never known in my life making any and every bad thing that happened in my young life disappear. .. a weight I knew in my Heart as a mother ... I wasn't going to be able to carry ... a weight that almost took my own life.
Think of a cold, hard-surfaced room ... cramming it so full of hard objects that won't flex or give to keep pushing, finding more room to cram more into. My body was like that room ... the pain was so much bigger than I ... the pain kept somehow coming into this one body, room ... in my life I haven't ever lived with such grief, pain, Heartache. Never-ever.
Hurt ... the very word 'hurt' ... doesn't anywhere come close to that kind of pain. Until you experience ... (I hope you won't ever as a mother) such ... no words can ever express, describe ... it's unlike any other pain on this earth. I can only say this pain is ... soul deep.
For five years I couldn't see, smile, enjoy any kind of life ... pain blinded me ... pain dulled my senses ... and guilt if I smiled at any little thing ... how could this mother even think of smiling! when her child had died!
Oh, the world full of grief is unlike any world you've ever lived in ... truly my words can't even come close to telling you how so. All I can do is try to describe but, when I do ... know my words in no way can describe accurately such horrendous pain, agony, grief. In fact, I think I 'lived my Hell' here on earth when my child died.
The good thing here is ... I survived the worst storm of my life of many storms ... I made it through. Looking back, knowing what I know and no one else knows ... this was yet ... another time I'm lucky to still be here. I will stop here.
Memories ... yes, that and all the many photos seem to be the most of what I have. I constantly put them in writing, online in my blog at Happycolorsandgrannygee.blogspot.com and on my Facebook to share with the world ...
Hey! Just like you ... I once lived here too ... my life meant something too. My photos are proof ... not only that, people like to see faces, know how so and so looked putting faces to people, pets. I am! I used to be! 🙂🙃🙂💛💛
No one needs to worry about ME ... I don't live my life in a depression... I don't choose to. I have too many places to go ... too many things to do than to sit, wallow in my own self-pity. I don't have time to waste time.
I don't feel sorry for myself ... I don't allow anyone to pity ME. I am ... a survivor of many of Life's treacherous, horrendous storms ... I am a warrior ... fighter and ... I mean to win.
I always hope those who read ME ... find hope, strength to in some way add something positive to what is read from my words to their lives. I care, I know, I've experienced so much in my life.
When you read ME ... my words aren't... empty words. They are from a very real person who has lived through 'you wouldn't believe' ... things.
To this very moment in time ... 9:35 am ... on Tuesday, April 02, 2024 ... I am still here. I survived ... I sit here with the softest of smiles on my face ... bittersweet, but wonderful to be alive smile. I love Life!
I wish your day to be filled with the happiest of colors! Here are some of my past happy colors!
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