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Monday, April 15, 2024

My Fighting Spirit Is Coming Out To Play ... Free As Birds ... Our Wings Are Clipped


Photo owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates... Skip and I ...



Monday ...  April 15, 2024 ... 7:53 am


I am sitting on the bed ... in a pool of sunshine. I was engrossed in reading something on my tablet that I wasn't paying attention to the sunshine ... It kept shining brighter until I realized ... hey, this is what I wait for each morning! I can't believe I was ignoring it.


Skip and Camie are sleeping up a storm. I heard Skip say he had a headache. He is still asleep ... I will be paying close attention. 


Same old, same old boring 😴... I know. In your life you are doing many happy things, life is full of excitement ... new places, new things, people. 


Our Life used to be full of all those things ... no more. Not since 2016 when all began to slow down until this very moment.


I smile as I say that because no one could love Life more than I ... do, go more than I only to come to almost a complete halt. I loved the excitement getting up each day traveling, seeing, doing ... each day I never knew what to expect. Very exciting! I embraced the unknown  ... now, I don't. 


Now ... each morning I wake up to my little world that has completely shrunk through time ... sleeping beside ME. My little sleeping world that consists of the most precious beings in my life, my Heart. Skip and Camie ❤❤❤ 


Now ... I can see my whole 🌎 world in one place ... right in front of ME.


Such a quiet, boring little 🌎 world where boredom is welcomed 24 hours a day. Who would have thought someone such as ME would ever say ... I pure love boredom nowadays. 🙃 Boring is ... wonderful! Good!


Sure, in my mind I wish we were flying free as birds again, traveling, going places ... and I really hope we can again. Nothing is impossible. Our wings have been clipped limiting us to only ... going so far.


Our Life has changed over from such happy excitement ☺ to complete ... happy 😴 boredom. As happy as can possibly be under the circumstances. Truthfully  ... not happy all the time. I would be lying like a dog if I said differently. 


We had everything ... we have nothing. We are have-beens to have-nothings. We were someone ... to no ones. We were beautiful to ... oh my ... how did we get this old? 🙂🙃🙂 


I am not going into getting older ... as I'm not accepting 'being old and acting that way'. That IS NOT ME. I am older, that's all 🙃🙂🙃💛💛 I will age on my terms 🙃 An older Gloria doesn't mean ... OLD. 😁


Am I sad ... ☹️ depressed? Sad, maybe for some of the things that used to be ... I got past my depression some time ago. 


Sad ... to watch a very strong person be reduced down to being very ill, weak, no longer able to fly free as he once did. Now ... each day instead of looking forward to all he used to ... his mind is on his age ... on dying. He thinks he doesn't have long to live. This is what saddens ME.


Sad ... our Camie is older ... lately I've realized it more than ever. I help both Camie and Skip now. I am their caregiver now.


Sometimes, I am overwhelmed 😔  The word caregiver ... is so easy to say. Being ... a caregiver is so hard, so much responsibility ... stressful. In my life, my mind ... I am both Camie, Skip's living guardian angel as well as caregiver. 


I am with them 24 hours a day ... I am constantly monitoring them, knowing how each one is feeling, doing. I am constantly in movement helping them, doing for them ... since it's warmer ... I am trying to make our little yard pretty, cheerful for them, us.


No, I don't stay overwhelmed, sad, down for long at a time ... no longer than it takes for me to process in my mind what's pulling ME down, and why, and what can I do about it. 


It's not my nature to walk slowly, moaning ... groaning 'woe is me', whining ... crying ... feeling sorry for myself. I'm just not going to waste my valuable time doing it. I am just NOT going to do it.


Sure, I cry my tears of pain, hurt, sadness ... but, I'm not weak though I may appear to be. At the same time I'm crying those tears ... I am mentally picking myself back up again to plant both feet back onto the ground. My fighting spirit is coming out to play.


Sometimes, but only sometimes, I get so tired, close to letting go, give up. I'm not perfect, you know. Try as I might ... this girl isn't ever going to be perfect. I know this for a fact. Remember my 3 years of trying to be years ago? I told you about it. I'll tell you again but, just not right now.


The good thing is I am ME ... once I've cried, raised some Hell ... the next thing I know is... I'm back in the race! I'm ready to do it all over again. That's my nature. 


I am more like my Grandma Alma who was paralyzed ... yet, she was the strongest woman I ever knew. As a little girl living with her and George ... life was pure Hell ... but, that's where I learned some of my most valuable Life's lessons ... from a paralyzed woman and a blind man. They were the strongest two people I've ever known.


Look back in your life ... you will see 'why?' things have happened throughout your life ... I can see the 'whys' now. It prepared ME all the way up to this very second ... made ME strong enough to survive all I've gone through, battles fought ... I am still here! 🙂🙃🙂💛💛



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