Last Night When I Wrote What I Did ... I Was In Such Turmoil

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

I have a very ill husband, two Pups that are my world. My world is being threatened by illness. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

Last night when I wrote what I did ... I was in such turmoil. We were expecting a good visit ... after Skip's surgery. It wasn't good at all.

That means more trips to Raleigh to the doctors, his and mine at the same time. We have been having 2-3 appointments lately in the same day ... to save on buying gas for a 80 mile trip each time. I have to have surgery later this month. Co-pays ... food ... gas ... bills ... we had been barely making it, but ... we were doing it without having to ask for help ... and now, we have more on us.

The worst thing is ... Skip is in danger of kidney failure. I can't go into all he is going through at this very time. For now, our life is scary ... I could lose Skip ... I have realized this 3 times just lately ... can you imagine losing the very person in your world ... you love with your Heart ... and he is the only person in the world you have? Skip isn't out of danger. I still see the expression on the urologist/surgeon's face ... and hear his words in my mind. I'm afraid. I'm sick with worry.

I saw the tires when we came out of the office ... I heard Skip worrying over he needed to get the oil changed ( he doesn't need to worry ... he is in a serious medical crisis at this moment) ... my mind began crying out ... I kept asking myself ... what am I going to do? Really, what am I going to do? I was thinking how crazy it is to think such things when Skip ... is in a bad way. His life is more important.

For those who thought I was asking for money to help me on my Facebook Page ... understand that I would never-ever do that ... I can't just go ask people for their money ... knowing I can't pay it back. I was talking to the only place I have to come to talk ... it's on my page.

No one has to comment or even let me know they read it ... especially thinking I'm asking them for money. This is my page to .... talk. I have no one ... no where else to go. I'd rather no one said anything than to think I was asking them. When you do ... I really pay attention to why you would think I was asking you ... knowing I'm not close enough to anyone to ask .... for money. It hurts me when I read you can't offer me anything when ... I didn't ask. Please don't say anything like that ... just know I'm not asking ... 'you'. I would never do that.

I would take the suggestion of a GoFund Me Page .... knowing I would take the chance of being rejected by everyone ... because so many people use GoFund Me in the wrong way ... there are always scams ... people begging for money for all kinds of things. I would risk no one hearing my cry for help if I had to ask. I would know all these things ... before ... I did it. I would be expecting nothing ... who am I? I would just be praying people who didn't know me would recognize I wouldn't ask if I didn't need help ... through my words.

My pride is quickly disappearing ... and I'm not going to let someone make me feel bad for not having anyone ... any family ... to go to for help. If I didn't have Skip and our Pups ... I wouldn't ask at all .... I would take care of my needs ... I would end them. I'm the only one they have to depend on ... no pride left here. It's gone ... it just got gone.

Think of yourself as a woman ... no one else in the world you can turn to. The few people who have been so good to you ... you can't take from them again ... you just can't keep taking .... you can't imagine the pain of taking money from someone knowing you have no choice ... because it means the world. You have no way of paying it back ... all these feelings inside your mind ....

Imagine letting people know your situation ... when you have always been so private, so independent. Imagine being a woman who never had to take care of everything ... make all the decisions ... and one day her husband nearly dies 3 times in 4 months ... and still isn't out of danger. Being a person whose family has died ... very few friends ... who never-ever had to ask anyone for anything ...

I'm being everything .. I wasn't .. before. So, if you see a GoFund Me Page in the future (I pray it won't come to that) ... just understand why ... don't think I'm asking any of my Facebook Friends for money ... I understand well you have your own lives to take care of. Just don't even comment at all ... to save some of the pride I have left.

Sometimes, it's better not to say anything at all. The ones who really cared, cares ... I recognized/recognize that. I thank you for caring. I love you for it.

This is my place to come to ... if you happen to read, it doesn't mean you have to comment at all. Just quietly go your way.

Also, if you are a real friend I want you to stay here ... if not, please remove yourself from my Facebook Friends.

Don't stay here to enjoy seeing me go through another rough time in my life .. I know who some of you are. I don't need that. In fact, to save you the trouble of removing yourselves ... I will be doing that all along now.

This is my Facebook Page ... I come here to write ... talk about real life ... in the meantime ... I learn from some of you sometimes, in how to cope with what I'm going through.

I don't need negative from anyone on here ... and I'm 'down' but ... I'm holding my ground, I'm not weak at all, nor pitiful. So, the few I still let stay here on my Facebook Page until I have time to remove you ... I want you to know that. Your day may come when you have no one, also. I'll know, I'll feel compassion ... I know how it feels.

Also, one other thing that bothered me is not long ago when someone told someone that I had lost my son .... and that person said, "but, I thought that was a long time ago" .... this keeps going through my mind. It was 5 years ago ... but, in my mind .... my grieving mother's mind ... it is still ... yesterday. I'll never forget that being said ... it burned into my mind.

Sadly, people will lose a child to one day understand how it hurt me. I'm not the only grieving mother in the world. I've coped in a positive way ... I still hurt deeply inside.

If you've read this far ... and you think I wrote a lot. That's right ... I do write that much ... this is my space to write what I want. If it bothers you in a negative way, please remove yourself ... go your own way. I respect your feelings, here ... my feelings will be respected.

Those who care at all ... who knows, maybe you have your own ideas, suggestions if you've walked on this road before. I know when I've walked different paths in life ... I would share anything to help another not have to go through the grief I did. That's what people who care ... do. I care ... I have a big Heart ...

I understand so much in Life that is painful. Do I wallow in the mud, feel sorry for myself? That's a big NO ... I get my ass up and keep going until I get knocked down again ... I get back up .... so it goes ... I get right back up. I don't give up.

I learned this from a woman who was paralyzed for over 20 years, as a little girl. I watched her struggle with the Hell she lived in, she never gave up. She was my Grandma Alma, my hero in my little girl life. She was a spitfire lady ... I loved with my very Heart.

I am sharing all I said here, on my Blog ... I thank you all who care, understand. If I don't see you anymore after this .... I respect, understand that it was time to part ways.

I treasure my Friends, here ... that's all I want to stay on my Facebook Page, just the ones who feel like I do ... people who have been here since Tommy died. You never had to say anything ... just being there ... meant the world to me. I love you, all.



Note by this Author:

I've reached a point in time where I've never felt as alone as I feel now.  This is what happens when one has lost their very family members who were their support system in life.  I have lost them, and my only child.

My husband is very ill ... and the few people who helped us in the past .... I can't ask them for help again.  I can't even pay back what they've given me.  What they did was more than I can possibly thank them from my Heart for ... asking for help from them would be taking advantage.

I am considering the GoFund Me Page to ask for help ... I don't know that it will help because so many people scam on there.  I don't know if anyone would recognize someone who has a real need in Life.  I may take the chance ... I am considering it.  I don't want to ask for help, but I may find myself in a position to have no choice but, to ask.