You Are Safe With God... Everything's Going To Be Alright
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
The last photo of Tommy on the evening he died... May 29, 2010- Saturday... on his last trip... only to get to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina... to play with his little son on the beach for a few minutes... then... go on his last ... 'forever journey'... to never come back. I miss you, Son. I love you. I accept you are gone, now... but, it doesn't mean I won't cry..... Love Your Mother, 'Ole Mom'... Gloria
Acceptance that you are gone forever
To be here no longer
Never to hear your voice, laugh, Tommy sounds
Jokes, pranks that you did all the time
Even 'stealing' Skip's funny sayings
Using them on him... forgetting they were his
I sit, hold your picture in my hands
See my own child, the only one I ever had
Knowing... you are gone forever; never coming back
I think to myself... I just can't believe someone so strong
So... full of personality, full of life
Can be... just ... gone ... just like that
You left behind two precious children
Who look so much like you
Children I will never know... see 'you' in them
Sadly... one day their mothers will know how I feel
Things have a way of coming back, so... one can know how it feels
I don't wish that for them... I don't want them to know my pain
Accepting that you are gone, doesn't lessen my pain
Doesn't mean I won't cry... I won't weep; feel sad
Acceptance doesn't mean I never loved you with my Heart
Acceptance does mean 'that now'... I can go forward
I know you are gone... nothing I can do will bring you back
I'll never stop loving you.... you'll always be in my Heart
Just because I can accept my loss now...
Doesn't mean that I'll never cry, grieve... even feel anger
Once in a while... that will happen
Do you know 'why?'
Because when you love someone so much... with your being
You miss them very much... there's always an empty space
Only 'you' could possibly fill with your ... being
Since you can't come back to fill that space
It's always treasured in my Heart... that's my son's space
It'll be there in my Heart even after I take my last breath
Even when one day I'm cremated...
Your space, my body will be ashes
You were a part of me when you were born
You'll be a part of me... when I die
That's the way Mothers are... a part of their children
I accept you are gone, Son... I loved you with my very Heart
Acceptance doesn't mean I won't cry... miss you; feel anger
Acceptance doesn't mean... I love you any less
It doesn't mean I won't feel panicky, sometimes
Like the 'birds fluttering, trapped in a cage
Trying to get out'... that feeling I get in my stomach
Acceptance does mean I can live my life now, in peace
You are in a special place in my Heart
Everything's going to be alright... no matter how bad
Acceptance means I try to find positive in my loss of you
Such as now... nothing can hurt you from this world
You are safe with God... everything's going to be... alright
Pages by Granny Gee
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Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
I Can Let Go Now, Son... Though I May Cry, Weep
I Can Let Go Now, Son... Though I May Cry, Weep
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
My precious son, only child... Tommy. My only precious grandson, Taban. I miss you with my Heart. Love Your Mother, Gloria
I thought I saw your smile, twinkling eyes
Peeping out from Heaven at me
Your hand gently brushed the clouds from your face
I closed my eyes, opened them to see if you were still there
You were still there... I tilted my head to the side
Began smiling, tears of joy flowed down my cheeks
I knew you were there, somewhere
I just just had to keep watching, hoping you would reveal yourself
Finally... you did; there you are!
Hello, Mama... I love you
Hello, Son... I love you, too; how I've missed you with my Heart
I wish you could come back, Son
I looked closer to see my son's face... oh, how beautiful his face was
I saw... felt the joy in his eyes
I'd never seen such happiness in his eyes, as I saw... now
I decided I didn't wish him to come back
The joy I saw in his face would be gone
Son, it's time for me to ... let you go
I love you with my very Heart
I may still cry, weep because you aren't here
It's only because I loved you so
Because... you meant the world to me
You were my only child, my precious son
I'm okay, now... no matter how much I cry
Everything's going to be alright... no matter how bad
My Heart feels lighter... though, it feels heavy at times
I miss you very much... but, I'm glad you are in Heaven
Just please gently brush the clouds to the side
Peep out at me, so... I can see the joy in your face
Ever so often... it means the world to me
I looked again to say goodbye... saw your precious face
Framed by white clouds, blue sky... sun creating a halo around you
I know you're a star in Heaven... shining both day, night
I will recognize you when I look up at the sky at night
The brightest star that twinkles at me
Sending down love to me in a ray of light
Ray of light that is my precious son's love
Smile, as I am comforted by knowing he is in Heaven
I can let go now, Son... though, I may cry, weep
I would want the joy I see in your face to always be
I love you with my very Heart, son... I miss you
I can let go now, Son... though, I may cry, weep
..............................................................................................................
Note by this author... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
My son died May 29, 2010... soon, it'll be the 4th year he has been gone. He was only 40 years old... he died unexpectedly while running, playing at the ocean... with his little three year old son.
No one knew he was sick... he had 2 blockages in his heart. He looked so healthy. I hope that all guys Tommy's age will get checked. Especially, if you don't eat right... drive a big truck.
Four years... next month will be four long years... I know I can be alright now... though, I may cry... weep.
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
My precious son, only child... Tommy. My only precious grandson, Taban. I miss you with my Heart. Love Your Mother, Gloria
I thought I saw your smile, twinkling eyes
Peeping out from Heaven at me
Your hand gently brushed the clouds from your face
I closed my eyes, opened them to see if you were still there
You were still there... I tilted my head to the side
Began smiling, tears of joy flowed down my cheeks
I knew you were there, somewhere
I just just had to keep watching, hoping you would reveal yourself
Finally... you did; there you are!
Hello, Mama... I love you
Hello, Son... I love you, too; how I've missed you with my Heart
I wish you could come back, Son
I looked closer to see my son's face... oh, how beautiful his face was
I saw... felt the joy in his eyes
I'd never seen such happiness in his eyes, as I saw... now
I decided I didn't wish him to come back
The joy I saw in his face would be gone
Son, it's time for me to ... let you go
I love you with my very Heart
I may still cry, weep because you aren't here
It's only because I loved you so
Because... you meant the world to me
You were my only child, my precious son
I'm okay, now... no matter how much I cry
Everything's going to be alright... no matter how bad
My Heart feels lighter... though, it feels heavy at times
I miss you very much... but, I'm glad you are in Heaven
Just please gently brush the clouds to the side
Peep out at me, so... I can see the joy in your face
Ever so often... it means the world to me
I looked again to say goodbye... saw your precious face
Framed by white clouds, blue sky... sun creating a halo around you
I know you're a star in Heaven... shining both day, night
I will recognize you when I look up at the sky at night
The brightest star that twinkles at me
Sending down love to me in a ray of light
Ray of light that is my precious son's love
Smile, as I am comforted by knowing he is in Heaven
I can let go now, Son... though, I may cry, weep
I would want the joy I see in your face to always be
I love you with my very Heart, son... I miss you
I can let go now, Son... though, I may cry, weep
..............................................................................................................
Note by this author... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
My son died May 29, 2010... soon, it'll be the 4th year he has been gone. He was only 40 years old... he died unexpectedly while running, playing at the ocean... with his little three year old son.
No one knew he was sick... he had 2 blockages in his heart. He looked so healthy. I hope that all guys Tommy's age will get checked. Especially, if you don't eat right... drive a big truck.
Four years... next month will be four long years... I know I can be alright now... though, I may cry... weep.
Related articles
Blanket Of Fog... Pretty Grief
Blanket Of Fog ... Pretty Grief
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I looked into the night
I could not see far
The fog hung in the air
Like a heavy, gray curtain
I walked to my truck
Got in, started it, turned lights on
I still couldn't see, the blanket hung
On the damp, cool air
I drove slowly scanning both sides
Of the gray highway, gray as the fog
I saw the partial bodies of several deer
As the blanket of fog hid them
It seemed one bigger deer was pushing, nudging
To make sure the last one
Would get behind the curtain of fog
Gently... like a mother would do with her young
Standing there, waiting for all to go
To disappear behind the curtain
Ready to protect at a moment's notice
As she watched over her babies
It made an impression on me
This morning as I pushed my way
Through the gray blanket
The curtain of fog
I was thinking about a mother's love
For her child, love as I had for my child
A mother would die protecting her baby
Just as I would have done for my son
I never knew he would 'go' before me
That's not how it's supposed to be
Children aren't supposed to die before
Their parents do, they have a whole life ahead
The protective mother deer I saw
This morning influenced my thoughts for this moment
She made me think of myself
When I once had a baby, a child, my son
I miss you, Tommy, I sit here
With a heavy heart, tears in my eyes
Threatening to spill over onto my keyboard
As I write these words ... to remember ... you
Now, I feel as if I will weep
I close my eyes, gently shake my head
Side to side, I rub my forehead
Thinking... my son is gone, my son is gone
I couldn't protect you, keep you from dying
I couldn't gently pull you back
From the hands of Death that took you
That fateful evening, lead you off the way sea gulls fly
I couldn't be like that mother deer who
Gently pushed, nudged her babies to safety
Behind the gray curtain of fog
To hide them, protect them from any threat
I was too far away, I didn't know
I didn't know your trip would lead to another trip
One you had to leave on, to never come back
Once you got there, you left so soon
To go to Heaven from the sand
Left little Taban in the presence of angels
To care for him until his mommy came
Left... leaving our lives forever changed
I know someone called you
A higher power than we mere beings
Called you home that evening
No matter the pain, grief never goes away
I'm always thinking of you, Son
Though I don't always speak of you
The pain, grief never goes away
I feel it so deeply this morning
The mother deer made me think of myself
As I used to protect you, nudge you
Away from anything that would hurt you
When you were my baby, my child... my son
*****************************************************
Grief never goes away, no matter how one pretends they are doing just fine. I sit here, cry now, tears run down my cheeks. I cry out of frustration knowing my son is gone, I can't bring him back.
I look at Tommy's photos constantly, still feeling him 'here.' Only I can't find him, I don't know where to look. I tell myself he's gone, when I look at his photos... it seems he hasn't gone anywhere.
He was such a strong personality, a real person, funny at times... sometimes, not so funny. I just can't believe it... for a time I go on to pretend he's just on a trip like when he drove a tractor-trailer. When it's takes so long before he gets to come home ... I realize... he's never coming back. Tommy's never coming back.
Fresh tears, more tears... so many that my cheeks are drenched in tears that shine in the light of my computer monitor. Shine like the diamonds I love, so clear... so bright.
The pain hurts my heart so deeply. This morning when I saw the mother deer, it triggered something in me. I saw how she was protecting her babies as a human mother would do. It touched my heart, made me remember how... I used to protect my baby, my child, my son.
Again, this is how grieving for Tommy has been. I share real feelings with you. I think I'm all right, doing fine... grief strikes me from out of the blue, I never expect it.
It weakens me, makes my chest hurt, feel heavy... I feel like I want to go hide me in the bed, cover my head up, go to sleep... until it all goes away... until all the pain, grief goes away.
I wonder sometimes, if that's what happens when one sees older people in a nursing home... people who are forever in another world until their bodies die? They lay there in a coma, they could wake up one day... one day... they might not.
I wonder if they had just so much pain, grief... that they went into a permanent sleep until... one day their bodies did the same? When their bodies, minds connected to sleep the sleep... of death?
I want to live so much! I have always loved life... since Tommy's death, I still want to live ... so much! Sometimes... I, myself... feel guilty that I do.
How can I be happy when ... my son is dead? Should I be? Is it all right? Will I ever be again? Can you imagine a mother being happy... when her son has died? Does that sound right?
Questions, questions... I am happy one moment, sad the next, wanting to cry, wanting to be near people, then... not being around people.
Leave me alone, don't leave me alone... let me stay private, go away... no, come back, I want to live, I want to be happy again, I want... my son back.
I don't want to talk to anyone in person, by phone. I hate our telephone, I turn down its ring. That's how I learned of Tommy's death... I hate my phone. I feel anger when I hear its ring.
These are feelings, thoughts of this grieving mother... crazy as they may seem. It's the truth, it's not pretty. I never heard the word 'pretty' ever used ... with the word 'grief.'
Pretty Grief... no, I've never heard of that.... I don't feel anything pretty about it at all.
My grief feels like anger at times, I feel like 'birds trapped in a cage panicking, beating their wings fast to escape'... I want to scream, I want to cry.
I don't want sympathy, someone to feel sorry for me. I am mad now... my son's gone. I'm in pain ... my heart hurts.
I feel hate, I feel love. I'm a good person, the way I feel ... is bad. I'm sorry, I'm not sorry. I'm ashamed.
Leave me alone, let me weep, cry, mourn the loss of my son. The pain is no less now, than when he died... only some time has gone by.
In my mind... I cry, I sob. I even scream out my pain. I think terrible things because I'm mad, my son is gone. I throw myself down hard to the floor, I weep... I weep... I weep. I want to push everyone away... go away, if I can't have my son, I surely don't want you... just leave me alone with my pain. You can't change it, no one can.
In reality... I'm not that way at all. I smile, I go my own way. You don't see any of this... it's like the curtain, the blanket of fog.
I can hide my grief, my pain ...just as the mother deer hid her babies, nudging ... pushing them behind the gray curtain of fog.
You may see partial grief from me for a brief moment... but, not for long, it's not my way ... to show you my hurt, because I care for your feelings, I wouldn't want to ... cause you pain. I know well how it feels. I try to never hurt anyone.
I really like you, don't want you to go away. Don't leave me alone in my pain... the grief makes me feel that way.
Grief is unlike any emotion you'll ever have ... because when your heart loves another being, especially a part of 'you', your body, your blood ... when they go away, something changes in you. A most real part of you, dies... also.
I sit here, try to describe real grief to you, so... you can understand. After all these words of pain I have typed... I see that I have in no way described how it really feels... one can only 'feel' it. I pray that you never will.
Now... I take a soft, gentle ... deep breath. I have typed quickly all I felt when this wave of grief came over me. I don't know that I'll have the nerve to read back over all I wrote. I may feel embarrassed for having describe such raw emotion.
I could just delete it all, but... I won't. I told you I would tell you exactly how grief feels. This is just another 'major earthquake', tsunami, storm ... call it what you will. This was a very strong one, whatever it was.
You don't have to worry, I understand this is normal. It's going to happen from time to time. When I think of my grief, I think of others who are experiencing such grief... I have to let go of mine to care, think about theirs. My heart cries for them.
Everything is going to be all right now. All you see is a smile ... hopefully, a pretty smile ... because there's nothing pretty about grief... that I try to hide from you ... because who has ever seen, or heard of 'pretty grief?'
Note: I wrote this some time ago... soon, the month of May will be here (day after tomorrow)... Tommy died May 29, 2010.... I miss him so much more than my words can say... but, my Heart feels it. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
My precious son, only child... Tommy. He is holding his precious son, Taban... his only son. I miss you, Tommy. Love Your Mother, Gloria
I looked into the night
I could not see far
The fog hung in the air
Like a heavy, gray curtain
I walked to my truck
Got in, started it, turned lights on
I still couldn't see, the blanket hung
On the damp, cool air
I drove slowly scanning both sides
Of the gray highway, gray as the fog
I saw the partial bodies of several deer
As the blanket of fog hid them
It seemed one bigger deer was pushing, nudging
To make sure the last one
Would get behind the curtain of fog
Gently... like a mother would do with her young
Standing there, waiting for all to go
To disappear behind the curtain
Ready to protect at a moment's notice
As she watched over her babies
It made an impression on me
This morning as I pushed my way
Through the gray blanket
The curtain of fog
I was thinking about a mother's love
For her child, love as I had for my child
A mother would die protecting her baby
Just as I would have done for my son
I never knew he would 'go' before me
That's not how it's supposed to be
Children aren't supposed to die before
Their parents do, they have a whole life ahead
The protective mother deer I saw
This morning influenced my thoughts for this moment
She made me think of myself
When I once had a baby, a child, my son
I miss you, Tommy, I sit here
With a heavy heart, tears in my eyes
Threatening to spill over onto my keyboard
As I write these words ... to remember ... you
Now, I feel as if I will weep
I close my eyes, gently shake my head
Side to side, I rub my forehead
Thinking... my son is gone, my son is gone
I couldn't protect you, keep you from dying
I couldn't gently pull you back
From the hands of Death that took you
That fateful evening, lead you off the way sea gulls fly
I couldn't be like that mother deer who
Gently pushed, nudged her babies to safety
Behind the gray curtain of fog
To hide them, protect them from any threat
I was too far away, I didn't know
I didn't know your trip would lead to another trip
One you had to leave on, to never come back
Once you got there, you left so soon
To go to Heaven from the sand
Left little Taban in the presence of angels
To care for him until his mommy came
Left... leaving our lives forever changed
I know someone called you
A higher power than we mere beings
Called you home that evening
No matter the pain, grief never goes away
I'm always thinking of you, Son
Though I don't always speak of you
The pain, grief never goes away
I feel it so deeply this morning
The mother deer made me think of myself
As I used to protect you, nudge you
Away from anything that would hurt you
When you were my baby, my child... my son
*****************************************************
Grief never goes away, no matter how one pretends they are doing just fine. I sit here, cry now, tears run down my cheeks. I cry out of frustration knowing my son is gone, I can't bring him back.
I look at Tommy's photos constantly, still feeling him 'here.' Only I can't find him, I don't know where to look. I tell myself he's gone, when I look at his photos... it seems he hasn't gone anywhere.
He was such a strong personality, a real person, funny at times... sometimes, not so funny. I just can't believe it... for a time I go on to pretend he's just on a trip like when he drove a tractor-trailer. When it's takes so long before he gets to come home ... I realize... he's never coming back. Tommy's never coming back.
Fresh tears, more tears... so many that my cheeks are drenched in tears that shine in the light of my computer monitor. Shine like the diamonds I love, so clear... so bright.
The pain hurts my heart so deeply. This morning when I saw the mother deer, it triggered something in me. I saw how she was protecting her babies as a human mother would do. It touched my heart, made me remember how... I used to protect my baby, my child, my son.
Again, this is how grieving for Tommy has been. I share real feelings with you. I think I'm all right, doing fine... grief strikes me from out of the blue, I never expect it.
It weakens me, makes my chest hurt, feel heavy... I feel like I want to go hide me in the bed, cover my head up, go to sleep... until it all goes away... until all the pain, grief goes away.
I wonder sometimes, if that's what happens when one sees older people in a nursing home... people who are forever in another world until their bodies die? They lay there in a coma, they could wake up one day... one day... they might not.
I wonder if they had just so much pain, grief... that they went into a permanent sleep until... one day their bodies did the same? When their bodies, minds connected to sleep the sleep... of death?
I want to live so much! I have always loved life... since Tommy's death, I still want to live ... so much! Sometimes... I, myself... feel guilty that I do.
How can I be happy when ... my son is dead? Should I be? Is it all right? Will I ever be again? Can you imagine a mother being happy... when her son has died? Does that sound right?
Questions, questions... I am happy one moment, sad the next, wanting to cry, wanting to be near people, then... not being around people.
Leave me alone, don't leave me alone... let me stay private, go away... no, come back, I want to live, I want to be happy again, I want... my son back.
I don't want to talk to anyone in person, by phone. I hate our telephone, I turn down its ring. That's how I learned of Tommy's death... I hate my phone. I feel anger when I hear its ring.
These are feelings, thoughts of this grieving mother... crazy as they may seem. It's the truth, it's not pretty. I never heard the word 'pretty' ever used ... with the word 'grief.'
Pretty Grief... no, I've never heard of that.... I don't feel anything pretty about it at all.
My grief feels like anger at times, I feel like 'birds trapped in a cage panicking, beating their wings fast to escape'... I want to scream, I want to cry.
I don't want sympathy, someone to feel sorry for me. I am mad now... my son's gone. I'm in pain ... my heart hurts.
I feel hate, I feel love. I'm a good person, the way I feel ... is bad. I'm sorry, I'm not sorry. I'm ashamed.
Leave me alone, let me weep, cry, mourn the loss of my son. The pain is no less now, than when he died... only some time has gone by.
In my mind... I cry, I sob. I even scream out my pain. I think terrible things because I'm mad, my son is gone. I throw myself down hard to the floor, I weep... I weep... I weep. I want to push everyone away... go away, if I can't have my son, I surely don't want you... just leave me alone with my pain. You can't change it, no one can.
In reality... I'm not that way at all. I smile, I go my own way. You don't see any of this... it's like the curtain, the blanket of fog.
I can hide my grief, my pain ...just as the mother deer hid her babies, nudging ... pushing them behind the gray curtain of fog.
You may see partial grief from me for a brief moment... but, not for long, it's not my way ... to show you my hurt, because I care for your feelings, I wouldn't want to ... cause you pain. I know well how it feels. I try to never hurt anyone.
I really like you, don't want you to go away. Don't leave me alone in my pain... the grief makes me feel that way.
Grief is unlike any emotion you'll ever have ... because when your heart loves another being, especially a part of 'you', your body, your blood ... when they go away, something changes in you. A most real part of you, dies... also.
I sit here, try to describe real grief to you, so... you can understand. After all these words of pain I have typed... I see that I have in no way described how it really feels... one can only 'feel' it. I pray that you never will.
Now... I take a soft, gentle ... deep breath. I have typed quickly all I felt when this wave of grief came over me. I don't know that I'll have the nerve to read back over all I wrote. I may feel embarrassed for having describe such raw emotion.
I could just delete it all, but... I won't. I told you I would tell you exactly how grief feels. This is just another 'major earthquake', tsunami, storm ... call it what you will. This was a very strong one, whatever it was.
You don't have to worry, I understand this is normal. It's going to happen from time to time. When I think of my grief, I think of others who are experiencing such grief... I have to let go of mine to care, think about theirs. My heart cries for them.
Everything is going to be all right now. All you see is a smile ... hopefully, a pretty smile ... because there's nothing pretty about grief... that I try to hide from you ... because who has ever seen, or heard of 'pretty grief?'
Note: I wrote this some time ago... soon, the month of May will be here (day after tomorrow)... Tommy died May 29, 2010.... I miss him so much more than my words can say... but, my Heart feels it. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Sunday, April 27, 2014
To Know The Answer... I Will Have To Go Into Darkness
To Know The Answer... I Will Have To Go Into Darkness
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Tommy's Plant...
My head began hurting instantly; my heart began to race. I began to feel panicky. Why?
It dawned on me something I hadn't remembered for the past 3 years. Now... to know the answer... I know only one way to find it.
I don't know if I can... I don't know if I can bear to open Tommy's Chest. This is something I've avoided doing. I think I did it once since...
Grieving takes one's memory away... it's too hard to go through the murky depths of one's mind... especially into the dark waters of the ocean of ... grief.
I am sitting here, trying to write about what happened earlier today. I promised I'd always write, tell you when grief came looking for me... out of the blue. Today... it has... but, in a strange, unexpected way.
I was sitting here at my desk... looking at Tommy's plant. The strange thought came to me... this plant was at the funeral home the last night I saw Tommy... resting in the ...coffin.
My mind instantly conjures up a vision... I'm standing at a distance in a big room... a box is sitting in front of the back wall... a bright light is shining down ... I look out of my periphal vision... I can't look full-face at it... something in the long box. I can't bear to look....
I'm floating around like a leaf on a current of rushing water. I float wherever the water takes me... the wind blows me... I stop when it stops... I move when it blows me... here... there. Shock; grief... I can't remember... fleeting visions of something I can't bear to remember... see... in my mind.
Sounds of many people... like a party going on. Smiles on people's faces... they are glad to see each other. They spoke to me... smiling. Didn't they know... Tommy was dead? Tommy was gone? Did the medicine make me smile back? What did I do that night? Did I become invisible... invisible like the wind? Did anyone even see ... me? I couldn't see ... me...
I thought I knew the date... of that night. Chills went over me... I can't remember something I should know! I know my son died on May 29, 2014... but, what is the date... the last time I saw... him?
I remembered... Tommy's body was sent to the medical examiner's... for an autopsy. I just can't remember for... how long. I feel sick. My thought was, is... 'oh, my God'...
I can ... not ... go to Tommy's Chest, just yet. I just can't do it. To know the answer to the last moment I actually saw my son... I would have to open that lid...
Take out contents... Tommy's things... to find some papers to see the date. I can't. His autopsy report is in there... I know I would have to look at it. It hurts just too bad.
Tommy died with two blockages to his heart... at the young age of 40. Tommy used to joke me about not knowing how old my son was.... strange... when he died... I always remember... he was age 40.
My son... that's my only child... that's the only baby I ever had... and he's gone. He's really gone...
There are... there are... there are photos in a little box. My stomach feels sick, now. I want to look at them... I just can't do it now. I would see... something no mother should ever have to see. A mother should never-ever outlive her son.
In that box... are photos...
Those 'birds are fluttering in my stomach again... panicky, trying to get out of their cage'. I feel shaky, weak.
This is what happens to a mother when grieving for the loss of her child. It happens completely 'out of the blue'... unexpected. It just happened to me... today. I still feel the effects.
To know the answer... I will have to go into darkness. I just can't... right now.
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Tommy's Plant...
My head began hurting instantly; my heart began to race. I began to feel panicky. Why?
It dawned on me something I hadn't remembered for the past 3 years. Now... to know the answer... I know only one way to find it.
I don't know if I can... I don't know if I can bear to open Tommy's Chest. This is something I've avoided doing. I think I did it once since...
Grieving takes one's memory away... it's too hard to go through the murky depths of one's mind... especially into the dark waters of the ocean of ... grief.
I am sitting here, trying to write about what happened earlier today. I promised I'd always write, tell you when grief came looking for me... out of the blue. Today... it has... but, in a strange, unexpected way.
I was sitting here at my desk... looking at Tommy's plant. The strange thought came to me... this plant was at the funeral home the last night I saw Tommy... resting in the ...coffin.
My mind instantly conjures up a vision... I'm standing at a distance in a big room... a box is sitting in front of the back wall... a bright light is shining down ... I look out of my periphal vision... I can't look full-face at it... something in the long box. I can't bear to look....
I'm floating around like a leaf on a current of rushing water. I float wherever the water takes me... the wind blows me... I stop when it stops... I move when it blows me... here... there. Shock; grief... I can't remember... fleeting visions of something I can't bear to remember... see... in my mind.
Sounds of many people... like a party going on. Smiles on people's faces... they are glad to see each other. They spoke to me... smiling. Didn't they know... Tommy was dead? Tommy was gone? Did the medicine make me smile back? What did I do that night? Did I become invisible... invisible like the wind? Did anyone even see ... me? I couldn't see ... me...
I thought I knew the date... of that night. Chills went over me... I can't remember something I should know! I know my son died on May 29, 2014... but, what is the date... the last time I saw... him?
I remembered... Tommy's body was sent to the medical examiner's... for an autopsy. I just can't remember for... how long. I feel sick. My thought was, is... 'oh, my God'...
I can ... not ... go to Tommy's Chest, just yet. I just can't do it. To know the answer to the last moment I actually saw my son... I would have to open that lid...
Take out contents... Tommy's things... to find some papers to see the date. I can't. His autopsy report is in there... I know I would have to look at it. It hurts just too bad.
Tommy died with two blockages to his heart... at the young age of 40. Tommy used to joke me about not knowing how old my son was.... strange... when he died... I always remember... he was age 40.
My son... that's my only child... that's the only baby I ever had... and he's gone. He's really gone...
There are... there are... there are photos in a little box. My stomach feels sick, now. I want to look at them... I just can't do it now. I would see... something no mother should ever have to see. A mother should never-ever outlive her son.
In that box... are photos...
Those 'birds are fluttering in my stomach again... panicky, trying to get out of their cage'. I feel shaky, weak.
This is what happens to a mother when grieving for the loss of her child. It happens completely 'out of the blue'... unexpected. It just happened to me... today. I still feel the effects.
To know the answer... I will have to go into darkness. I just can't... right now.
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Our Precious Pups... with Glasses!
Our Precious Pups... with Glasses!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Precious Camie...
Sweet Chadwick...
Precious Camie...
Kissy Fairchild...
Kissy Fairchild...
Well... I can see that Camie, and Chadwick would be much easier to put costume things on... pose for a photo. Kissy Fairchild... oh my! He didn't want glasses on him at all! It was so funny. Finally... he gave in and let me put the glasses on his head. :)))))
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Precious Camie...
Sweet Chadwick...
Precious Camie...
Kissy Fairchild...
Kissy Fairchild...
Well... I can see that Camie, and Chadwick would be much easier to put costume things on... pose for a photo. Kissy Fairchild... oh my! He didn't want glasses on him at all! It was so funny. Finally... he gave in and let me put the glasses on his head. :)))))
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Sprint Update On My Internet... 4-26-2014
Status Update
By Granny Gee
Sprint Update on my internet: 4-26-2014
Update on internet with Sprint... yesterday, a supervisor called me. She told me that Sprint had indeed updated/worked on the tower close to us... but, they must have 'turned it'.... and now, we are ... off the network. Meaning they turned the equipment toward hundreds of new people here... to give them internet.
It took what we had ... away from us. At the moment, I don't know how long I'll have internet. Not only that... our cellphones have been just awful. She said they might could just 'move it a inch'... and we have internet, cellphone again.
I asked her why Sprint just 'forgot' about us. She told me... that they had to provide internet where the housing developments, people were.
So... it looks like we can get out of our contracts on all, without paying the fees. Only... we can't do that anytime soon. One has to have money to 'start all over' again.
For the time-being.... I hope my internet will work enough so, I can stay online. We are trying to decide who best to get reliable internet through... in the area we live in... only 4 miles from town. On the internet it seems... Hughesnet Gen 4 might be our best bet. As for cellphones, we are asking around. Do our homework, then... later when we can... switch to them.
In the meantime, we are still paying for bad service. We supposedly got a '$50.00' discount.... we haven't seen the difference. We have always loved Sprint... but now... we no longer matter to them. I'm not mad... only sad, upset.
If it worked as well as it's doing this moment.... I'd be so happy. Gloria
It took what we had ... away from us. At the moment, I don't know how long I'll have internet. Not only that... our cellphones have been just awful. She said they might could just 'move it a inch'... and we have internet, cellphone again.
I asked her why Sprint just 'forgot' about us. She told me... that they had to provide internet where the housing developments, people were.
So... it looks like we can get out of our contracts on all, without paying the fees. Only... we can't do that anytime soon. One has to have money to 'start all over' again.
For the time-being.... I hope my internet will work enough so, I can stay online. We are trying to decide who best to get reliable internet through... in the area we live in... only 4 miles from town. On the internet it seems... Hughesnet Gen 4 might be our best bet. As for cellphones, we are asking around. Do our homework, then... later when we can... switch to them.
In the meantime, we are still paying for bad service. We supposedly got a '$50.00' discount.... we haven't seen the difference. We have always loved Sprint... but now... we no longer matter to them. I'm not mad... only sad, upset.
If it worked as well as it's doing this moment.... I'd be so happy. Gloria
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Donations For Precious Camie...
This is what is going on in our life most important now... raising money to pay for Camie's medical care, and to keep money on her vet account when such times happen like this. I hope anyone will help... even a dollar would help. You can call her vet directly, or donate to her GoFundMe account. The information is below:
.........................................................................................................................................................
Camie is loved so very much by my husband and I.... and our other two dogs. She is part of our whole world. We wish that we were able to cover all the expense. We would never ask for anything for ourselves... but, we will to help our dogs. They are all we have in this world.
Please help us ... help Camie. Please donate directly to her vet, Dr. Fontenot... or to this fund.
To donate directly to Camie's medical care... to her vet, you can call or mail donations. This is the information:
Dr. David Fontenot
115 N. Church Street
Louisburg, NC 27549
919-496-2638
Or... you can donate to this fund... http://www.gofundme.com/8c32sc
It all goes to the same place. Thank you very much for caring, and donating. Below, you can read where I asked you for help to save Camie, when I rescued her on July 4, 2013.
I had hoped she could always be well... sadly, she'll always have this. I stopped the donation campaign for several months to see how she did. Now, I have to begin it again. This last visit cost $184.00. Thankfully, there was still enough on her vet account to pay for this visit.... and leave $26.00.
I would like to thank each, and every person in advance for helping Camie. It means our world.
You can come be friends with Camie on her Facebook page at:
facebook.com/camocameobates. I update it every day... and when she goes to the vet... I post photos of her invoices so, everyone can see where their hard-earned money goes... and how she is.
I post photos of her, and our other two Pups, Kissy Fairchild, and Sweet Chadwick. They love her very, very much.
Her Facebook page is where you can keep up with her, also. Thank you from my heart for your help. Gloria
Precious Camo
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Demodectic Mange... Red Mange
This is Camie... (Precious Camo) ..... she was beginning to get better from the medicines.... it took months for her to get on even keel.
Demodectic Mange... Red Mange
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
She is being treated again for a medical condition she'll always have. It's better to begin treatment at first signs it's beginning all over. It's going to be a long process... expensive process to get her on even keel, again.
She has demodectic mange, sometimes... called 'Red Mange'. This type of mange will make a dog suffer unmercifully. Their hair falls off their whole body... the skin becomes an oozing mass of blood, clear fluids. It's pitiful.
I rescued our Pup last July 4th. She lay dying on the cold, wet ground. When I picked her up... maggots fell off her little body. My thought was... if she was going to die, she wasn't going to be alone.
Last year, I did all the vet said to do; faithfully gave her medicines. People donated for her medical care. We couldn't afford it... and it meant the world. People have begun donating now. Her medical care is very expensive.
This type of mange can't be cured, or heal unless you get help from your vet. You can't simply dip it in a dip, expect it to get well. It doesn't work on this type of mange. I didn't know ... but, I learned as fast as I could about this horrible skin disease.
You can look up 'Demodectic Mange' or 'Red Mange'... to see how awful it is.
You can see real photos on our Pup's Facebook page.... I put photos on without sugar-coating. I wanted everyone to see what a horrible thing it is to let a dog suffer with it.
Come be friends with Precious Camo (Camie) on her Facebook page... learn about ... Demodectic Mange.
Monday, April 21, 2014
When Females Fight... I Love It!
When Females Fight... I Love It!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.................................. Summer 2013................................
Okay... now, this is something probably a lot of you never grew up knowing... seeing in your life. You'd be shocked, sick to your stomach to see such a display of raw emotions... between two females... sometimes, several females.
Unfortunately, as a little girl... I grew up to the tune of ... women fighting. Their instruments were their voices that screamed... moaned... cried.
Painful music... someone was hurting... someone was being hurt... colors of blood on an old, bare... wooden floor... you could touch the nails in it. I used to... when I sat cross-legged as a little girl to watch.
I would sit crying, jump up to run help... if it was my mama being attacked. My little hands would slap, punch whomever was hurting my mama. I would cry out, "don't hurt my mama"!
Sadly... shockingly... sometimes, I... loved it. I know this shocks you to know that a small child ... sometimes, loved the music of a good fight between females.
It's true... no matter how sad, awful it is. It can't be changed now... I can tell you about it, though.
As a child I saw a lot of tempers flare constantly... grown-ups and children alike. We all were high-tempered... it was learned at an early age.
I have a high temper even today... I have learned to control it through time... though time to time, I become very angry. I don't like to ever be that way... it takes several days for me to get past 'being mad'.
I enjoy peaceful, quiet things ... completely opposite of all I grew up around. While I write these words about myself... I never forget ... I wasn't the only child 'there' who grew up the same way as I did. There were always a lot of children who witnessed all I did.
In my Grandma Alma and George's house... there was an arena... I learned to call it that as I grew older. I have always looked back in my mind at 'that one spot' in Grandma Alma and George's house.
That 'was the spot' where many heart-breaking fights occurred. Grandma Alma couldn't walk to get away... George couldn't see what was happening... so, whether they liked it or not... they had to sit through... every performance.
While Grandma Alma sat in her old, cloth rocking chair... George sitting in his cane-bottomed chair... there would be an audience around the 'edge' of the arena. There were little witnesses... children... 'all eyes, ears' sitting around to watch 'what was going to happen'.
Sometimes, the children 'knew' someone was 'going to get their ass whipped'. They knew because they would hear the older females say it. Sometimes, when I heard it... I was glad... I was going to 'see so and so... get an ass-whipping'.
Why was I glad? Because ... probably at that time the one who was going 'to get it'... had been mean to me. I wanted to see them 'get their medicine back'. Maybe someone had treated my cousin, or Grandma Alma, George badly... I wanted to see 'their ass get whipped'.
When I saw it... I 'pure loved' it. They deserved it. They got 'their medicine back'...
As a child, I hated to see unfairness, cruelty, people treated bad. I was glad to see 'things happen back to the one who did it'. It might not be a nice thing for a child... nevertheless, that's the way it was. Life happens...
I grew up with primarily females in my life. It taught me to 'hate' females... though, I love them. I just don't take a lot from them... only enough ... 'for them to realize that I'm only going to take so much'. I give them a chance ... to stop. My number is... 'three'.
I'm the nicest person in the world... I'm not the nicest person in the world... when pushed.
I'm sure you are like this... I try to be as good as I can... once in a while... life happens where you don't have control over circumstances. You know what I mean... I know you do. There comes a time when you have to take a stand... hold your ground.
To this day... when I see females fight... it's on tv. I usually see it on ... of all things... The Jerry Springer Show. We watch it from time to time. It reminds me of when... I was little.
To this day... when I see the female who caused a lot of grief to others... I love to see her 'ass get whipped'.
Skip says it's because I 'have a hate for women' from being mistreated as a child. It could be... it could not be. Depends... :))) Life is what it is. Life happens.
Now... don't think I'm a bad person. You all who know me by now... know differently. I'm most definitely a good person.
It's just things like we all have grown up with that stems from child-hood that shapes us to the person we are now. It doesn't mean I want to see all females... or any females fight. If I do see them, and like to see it.... you can bet I'm watching to see the one who did bad... get her medicine back!
Notice, I don't speak of men, don't you? I didn't grow up around men... very few of them. For the most part, I grew up thinking men were more honest, less treacheous when it came to ... females.
I can say I grew up to never let myself be abused physically by a man. Only once did it happen... and the man knew it was almost a fatal mistake to ever put his hand on me. That was when I was very young...
Growing up hard can either make one weaker... or become stronger. One can become broken, never to be 'fixed' again.
I didn't become broken... it took years of many things happening in my life that doesn't normally happen in others' lives... to grow the strength inside me.
I became very strong... yet, I am fragile... I still feel pain... I still hurt. I'm glad... 'I feel for people, animals'... I have a big heart. I ... care. I'm a good person... I love.
When females fight, I love it... when the ... mean, nasty ones ... 'get their ass whipped'! They deserve to feel the pain they wreaked on others... that's how they learn it isn't right... how it feels. I love to see at such times... females fight!
Note by this author: Truthfully, I don't like to see anyone fight. But... if they do... this would be the kind of fight that would give the 'bad guy' their medicine back. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.................................. Summer 2013................................
Okay... now, this is something probably a lot of you never grew up knowing... seeing in your life. You'd be shocked, sick to your stomach to see such a display of raw emotions... between two females... sometimes, several females.
Unfortunately, as a little girl... I grew up to the tune of ... women fighting. Their instruments were their voices that screamed... moaned... cried.
Painful music... someone was hurting... someone was being hurt... colors of blood on an old, bare... wooden floor... you could touch the nails in it. I used to... when I sat cross-legged as a little girl to watch.
I would sit crying, jump up to run help... if it was my mama being attacked. My little hands would slap, punch whomever was hurting my mama. I would cry out, "don't hurt my mama"!
Sadly... shockingly... sometimes, I... loved it. I know this shocks you to know that a small child ... sometimes, loved the music of a good fight between females.
It's true... no matter how sad, awful it is. It can't be changed now... I can tell you about it, though.
As a child I saw a lot of tempers flare constantly... grown-ups and children alike. We all were high-tempered... it was learned at an early age.
I have a high temper even today... I have learned to control it through time... though time to time, I become very angry. I don't like to ever be that way... it takes several days for me to get past 'being mad'.
I enjoy peaceful, quiet things ... completely opposite of all I grew up around. While I write these words about myself... I never forget ... I wasn't the only child 'there' who grew up the same way as I did. There were always a lot of children who witnessed all I did.
In my Grandma Alma and George's house... there was an arena... I learned to call it that as I grew older. I have always looked back in my mind at 'that one spot' in Grandma Alma and George's house.
That 'was the spot' where many heart-breaking fights occurred. Grandma Alma couldn't walk to get away... George couldn't see what was happening... so, whether they liked it or not... they had to sit through... every performance.
While Grandma Alma sat in her old, cloth rocking chair... George sitting in his cane-bottomed chair... there would be an audience around the 'edge' of the arena. There were little witnesses... children... 'all eyes, ears' sitting around to watch 'what was going to happen'.
Sometimes, the children 'knew' someone was 'going to get their ass whipped'. They knew because they would hear the older females say it. Sometimes, when I heard it... I was glad... I was going to 'see so and so... get an ass-whipping'.
Why was I glad? Because ... probably at that time the one who was going 'to get it'... had been mean to me. I wanted to see them 'get their medicine back'. Maybe someone had treated my cousin, or Grandma Alma, George badly... I wanted to see 'their ass get whipped'.
When I saw it... I 'pure loved' it. They deserved it. They got 'their medicine back'...
As a child, I hated to see unfairness, cruelty, people treated bad. I was glad to see 'things happen back to the one who did it'. It might not be a nice thing for a child... nevertheless, that's the way it was. Life happens...
I grew up with primarily females in my life. It taught me to 'hate' females... though, I love them. I just don't take a lot from them... only enough ... 'for them to realize that I'm only going to take so much'. I give them a chance ... to stop. My number is... 'three'.
I'm the nicest person in the world... I'm not the nicest person in the world... when pushed.
I'm sure you are like this... I try to be as good as I can... once in a while... life happens where you don't have control over circumstances. You know what I mean... I know you do. There comes a time when you have to take a stand... hold your ground.
To this day... when I see females fight... it's on tv. I usually see it on ... of all things... The Jerry Springer Show. We watch it from time to time. It reminds me of when... I was little.
To this day... when I see the female who caused a lot of grief to others... I love to see her 'ass get whipped'.
Skip says it's because I 'have a hate for women' from being mistreated as a child. It could be... it could not be. Depends... :))) Life is what it is. Life happens.
Now... don't think I'm a bad person. You all who know me by now... know differently. I'm most definitely a good person.
It's just things like we all have grown up with that stems from child-hood that shapes us to the person we are now. It doesn't mean I want to see all females... or any females fight. If I do see them, and like to see it.... you can bet I'm watching to see the one who did bad... get her medicine back!
Notice, I don't speak of men, don't you? I didn't grow up around men... very few of them. For the most part, I grew up thinking men were more honest, less treacheous when it came to ... females.
I can say I grew up to never let myself be abused physically by a man. Only once did it happen... and the man knew it was almost a fatal mistake to ever put his hand on me. That was when I was very young...
Growing up hard can either make one weaker... or become stronger. One can become broken, never to be 'fixed' again.
I didn't become broken... it took years of many things happening in my life that doesn't normally happen in others' lives... to grow the strength inside me.
I became very strong... yet, I am fragile... I still feel pain... I still hurt. I'm glad... 'I feel for people, animals'... I have a big heart. I ... care. I'm a good person... I love.
When females fight, I love it... when the ... mean, nasty ones ... 'get their ass whipped'! They deserve to feel the pain they wreaked on others... that's how they learn it isn't right... how it feels. I love to see at such times... females fight!
Note by this author: Truthfully, I don't like to see anyone fight. But... if they do... this would be the kind of fight that would give the 'bad guy' their medicine back. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
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Sunday, April 20, 2014
REMEMBERING TOMMY... I MISS YOU, SON
REMEMBERING TOMMY... I MISS YOU, SON
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
NOTE BY THIS AUTHOR: I AM FORTUNATE TO HAVE ANY PHOTOS... WE LOST ALL IN A HOUSE FIRE DECEMBER 28, 2004.
I HAD A HUGE SUITCASE FULL OF OLD PHOTOS THAT I'D NEVER GOTTEN A CHANCE TO PUT IN ALBUMS... THE SUITCASE WAS UPSTAIRS... IT SURVIVED THE FIRE.
THE FIREMEN'S HOSE HAD SATURATED THE SUITCASE WITH WATER... MANY PHOTOS WERE DAMAGED AS YOU CAN SEE IN THE PHOTOS ABOVE.
I AM SO GRATEFUL TO HAVE THEM... DAMAGED, OR NOT. THAT'S ALL I HAVE LEFT TO SEE MY SON, NOW. GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/AKA GRANNY GEE (EASTER 2014).