I Did As I Promised... I Just ... Wrote The Pain
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
My beautiful, handsome son. Tommy Mitchell Sidden... Born 11-20-1969... Died 5-29-2010...............
Tommy died unexpectedly ... no one knew he was sick. He died of two blockages in his heart... he made it to Myrtle Beach, S.C. just in time to play with his 3 year old son... he left on another journey... he's gone forever now.
Thanksgiving has come... gone. Only leftovers are left in the refrigerator to show for it. Turkey, dressing to make sandwiches with... later.
Our Thanksgiving was a very quiet one, once again. We were missing someone very loved, dear to us. This is the third year we didn't have Tommy here. I did good... Thanksgiving Day. Today is... day after.
I kept thinking of Tommy... feeling those little waves of panic in my stomach. They kept threatening to turn into huge waves of pain; waves to toss me around in... twisting, turning me this way, that way.
Skip, our Pups... were my lifesaver... I focused on them hard, I held on tightly for dear life. I didn't want to drown in that sea of grief... I've been there too many times. It's a wonder I haven't drowned long ago... but, I made it to 'now'...
Have you ever felt waves of panic... the feeling you are going to lose control? Want to just melt down to the floor... cry, cry... cry? Just let go, weep until you fall asleep?
Panic... scared of the darkness that threatens to consume you... because it hurts so bad being there. You might not come back... if you get lost. I've been there too many times... I try so hard not to go back again. I can't bear the pain... oh God... I can't bear the pain.
Look at your son... your baby son... your adult son. Look at your only child... think, try to imagine them gone, never to come back.
Did you feel breathless with fear... afraid something could happen to him? Can you even go so far as to imagine... oh, my God... he were to die? Die unexpectedly... when you never had any idea he was sick... he was going to die? Can you imagine? Can you?
Now... you can smile, be thankful that your son is still here. You can reach out to hug him, say I love you. Some of you may feel smug because your son is still here... mine isn't. Just remember... it can happen without notice... you could get the call I did... "madam, I have a man collapsed here on the sand, he isn't breathing!"
I pray that you never do... My fear now, is gone... my son died... he can't die ... again. I fear the grief, pain of grieving when it strikes me like lightening from the sky... out of the blue... no warning, no clue.
Just like this very moment... my stomach feels sick... the 'birds are fluttering again, hitting against the bars of the birdcage... trying to escape. They are trapped... if only they could be ... set free.
I take deep, quiet breaths to calm them down... I close my eyes. Oh, my head, my head... I press it down into the palms of my hands as I sit here at my desk. I press my palms against my eyes... hard. Breathing in, breathing out... I need relief from such a feeling.
I don't want to go into another grieving period... too hard to come back. I've done well... still doing well... until this very moment. It drives me... to write the pain.
Write the pain... make it go away... I promised to write the pain... when grief struck. It's struck now... and I'm trying to get back up.... slap the dust off my pants... stand firmly on my ground.
My breathing's become freer now... I can take a deep breath once again... instead of it becoming stuck in my throat. I'm going to be alright now... I can feel it ... I'm going to be alright! Oh, how good it feels to breathe the air... in, out, in... out. I hold my head back, with my eyes closed... my chest rises up, down... I can breathe again!
I made it through once again... I wrote the pain... I made it go away. I met the huge wave head on... the one that threatened to wash me away... it's gone now. I'm going to be alright.
I promised to share my grief with you... so, you can see, feel what it's like... without losing your child. Now... you can quietly go your way... knowing all is alright in your world... go hug your son... your only child.
Don't worry about me... I'm just words to you, a story/post for a blog... I just remind you... how it'd feel if... you ... lost your son, your only child. You still have your son... to tell him you love him. You can still hug him... he's still here. Look at him with your mother's eyes... let a gentle smile come on your face... be so thankful as I used to be... to have such a wonderful son.
I did as I promised... I just... wrote the pain.
Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)