Tuesday, October 15, 2013

The Ugly Side Of Grief...

The Ugly Side Of Grief...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

This is 'why' I grieve... I'm sorry, son... I feel 'ugly, angry grief' ... this morning.  I can't seem to help it.  I wish I was 'perfect'... I would grieve in the most beautiful way for you... with no ugly, mean thoughts toward the ones who hurt you when you lived.  I'm just a 'mother'... doing the best I can with this grief 'inside me'... it has no where to go... no one can help me.  I'm trapped with my 'ugly', as well as... positive grief for you.  My consolation is that 'normally'... I am not 'feeling the ugly grief'.  This morning... is different ... I 'am' feeling it.

The very last photo of my son, Tommy... only a short time 'that fateful evening'... he died.  My son is gone now.... he isn't coming back.  Why do I keep having to tell myself that?  Don't 'I' know that?

Write the pain, write the pain, write the pain.....  I repeat this like a mantra in my mind.... 'write the pain'....

The pain is 'trapped' inside me... I have to move... I can't sit still with it.  Oh, God... please help me.  Please make it just 'wash back into the ocean of grief'... please give me relief.

I woke up this morning at 4:30 am.  Things were on my mind... you know how it is... you can't go back to sleep.  The longer you lay there... is just torment.  Get up!  Get up!  I can't take it anymore!

Here I am... once again ... trapped with my very own feelings.  Feelings of pure grief...  overwhelming grief.  I want to cry... why do I have to feel like this?

Haven't I accepted that Tommy's not coming back?  Haven't I accepted the death of my son, my only child?  So... why?  Why, should I have to feel this grief inside.  I can hardly bear it... I just can't stand much of this...

I am here, writing the pain.  I always tell you how grief really feels... I won't sugar-coat it.  It's ugly, it's awful... at the moment, I feel like crying to the heavens above... Tommy's gone.

Why would I do that?  What would it get me?  Nothing.  Nothing.  Nothing.  There's not a 'damn' thing I can do to bring my son back.  So, 'why?'... am I feeling like this... this morning.

Oh God... I think I even feel some 'anger'.  My head hurts ... my eyes burn.  I want to just cry... but, I'm not.  I'm just not going to do it.  I don't see as it can help me at all... it could only make me look bad all day.... Skip would be upset to see me so sad.  I have to push it back... I just have to push it back.

Damn it... damn it.  Yes... I said that... I will say it one more time... 'damn' it.  The mood I'm in... I'll say it 'a lot of times'... it doesn't matter to me at the moment.  I even feel ... defiant... 'damn it'.

You see... this is the 'ugly side of grief'... this is the side of grief no one hears about.  This is where a mother feels anger, grief all at the same time... and she thinks some really 'mean things'.  She looks back in her mind.... angry at people she knows who caused grief to her child 'before' they died.  They... think it's all forgotten... it isn't.  I assure you... it isn't... won't never be...

I look back at two people in my mind... I laid in bed this morning thinking about both.  How one of them is a 'puppeteer master'... pulling the strings of the 'dumber' puppet who can't make decisions on her own.  Who has been the 'victim' of the other ... hoping one day they'll get money... that is probably gone... long gone.  It should have been given... three years ago.

I feel anger that the puppeteer master 'thinks' she's deceived me, also.  I didn't come from Hell for nothing... I'm not dumb.  I 'know' probably more than she knows about what she has done... are doing 'now'.  I know she doesn't know that 'now'... I know more.

The strange thing is ... I love the dumbass, and the puppeteer master.  One thinks she's so smart... and the other...... isn't very smart at all... never has been.  She can't help it.  Dense-minded... especially to fail a driving test 'ten' times...

I don't associate with these two people... I don't know that I ever want to.  I do 'know' them... they have no reason to be in my life.  The times they were... they brought only pure grief.

Grief... anger.  When your child dies, and things weren't right in a lot of ways... strings not tied... conflict to cause your child grief.... this is bound to happen.

No matter who is to blame... it will happen.  I'm proof... and I'm about 'as nice of person you'll ever meet'.... but, for the moment... you are witnessing the 'ugly side of grief'...


I told you that I'm far from perfect... though I try to be the very best I can be... I'm guilty of having mean thoughts, too.  No matter that later... I feel bad for doing it... I can still have 'mean thoughts'... I'm not perfect... I have no excuse... I don't even... apologize.  It's ... human.  I'm just 'like you'... I'm real.
No matter what... you aren't going to feel 'beautiful grief'... it's ugly, it's sad... and.. only too real.  Gloria Faye Brown Bates

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry you are having to go through all that grief. I can't imagine how you feel. If you need to write out all kinds of "ugly" then you do it. If it makes you feel better to yell it out--you do it. You should do whatever it takes to make you feel better. I don't think Tommy would want you to be sad but I think he would say, "Mama you do what you need to do to make you feel better". Don't you agree? Because he loved you with all his heart and I know that for a fact! He also loved Skip with all his heart. In talking to him, I think he would want you to do what you feel you must do and no one better not say anything bad back to you. You know I am always here if you need me! Love, Ms. Nancy