Thankfully... Everything Is Going To Be Alright

Thankfully... Everything Is Going To Be Alright

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

My son, Tommy, holding his newborn son, Taban.  Tommy collapsed on the sand at Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.  He was 40 years old... Taban was 3 years old.  Tommy was running, playing, laughing with Taban.  Tommy died of 2 blockages in his heart.  He was my only child... I can't believe he's gone............

I write about what I know best in my life.  It doesn't mean I wallow in self-pity... lay down to cry, whine, and groan 'woe is me'.  

I know how to smile, be happy... and can be more and more, as time goes by.  I haven't been able to do a lot of that for the last three years... since Tommy, my son died.

I heard several people say during that period of time that 'Gloria will probably go off the deep end, because she lost Tommy'.  Well, I 'did go off the deep end' for quite some time... I lost my only child.  I have often wondered about the people who said that... 'if something happens to their child'... would they 'go off the deep end'?

Would they know they were in the world... would they be able to laugh, be happy... and go on with life... like they thought I should have done... only weeks after my child died?  Would it not hurt them for their own flesh, blood to .... die... be dead... could they just function as if nothing happened?

That's what I think about 'those people' who said that about me.  They must mean that if their child died... they'd just get back to being an 'everyday person'... in a few weeks.  I mean... one should get their ass up off the ground right away... when thrown from the horse.  Doesn't matter if they've been crippled in the fall... right?  

Think about it... I hope you are reading this... 'you, who said what you did'.  You, who said it should take only three weeks for me to cope with the grief... the loss of my child.  And... if I didn't... they would be worried about me.  

Truthfully... I 'worry about you' because you are walking around with a 'frozen' heart... you are too cold... that could be bad for you.  You need to warm your ass up... if you don't... you will certainly 'freeze to death'.

Do I sound angry?  I'm not... but, yes ...I am.  Isn't that one of the things that happens along 'Grief's Road'?  I tried not to ever be angry... I didn't want to feel that particular part of grieving.  I don't like to walk around ... mad.

See... I told you I would share with you when grief happens to me... well, normally ... I'm crying when that happens.  It's strange, I didn't know 'grief would happen in an angry way'.... because tonight, I've been feeling it want to surface.  

I'm sharing the part of grief I haven't experienced much of... it happens to be anger.  I wonder if it's a protection of some sort... to keep one from breaking down to cry, maybe never stop crying?  Because... feeling angry can make one feel 'too mad to cry'.  I do 'feel a few tears'... but, not the kind that makes me want to sit and ...cry.

I see several faces in my mind... and I 'remember' the things you said... when my child died.  'Now... you can see firsthand what I meant ... be careful what you say to, and about a grieving mother... grieving person'.  

They may seem to 'not hear you'... 'nor remember'.  Guess what?  Later down that road of pure grief... it happens just like it did to me, tonight.  Things I haven't remembered, thought about... I thought about ...tonight.  It took this long... now, I'm just feeling ... mad.  Tommy died May 29, 2010....

I'm sitting here... let me describe exactly how I am feeling... I'm making expressions no one can see.  They are of not knowing where to look... my feet want to keep changing position... no where to walk.  I can't leave my body, my mind behind to get away from the grief, pain in it. 

 The grief has me moving, walking around, sitting down... damn, I just can't get away from the pain.  I can't take it off like I can a shirt, jeans.  Oh God... I would if I could.  The pain is trapped inside me... it isn't going anywhere... there's no where I can go ...to get away from it.  My body is full of mental pain... physical pain... it's enough to make one want to... scream.

I have to sit here with my pain, grief.  I don't talk about it, I won't share it with anyone.  I can only write my pain... release it in letters typed here.  Every letter I type here... is 'pure pain'... each letter represents a teardrop. 

I wonder how many 'teardrops' are typed here for you to read?  Would there be a giant pile of them if they were diamond teardrops... a beautiful, glistening, sparkling pile of diamond teardrops?  Maybe a pool of the purest, clear, sparkling water?

At this moment, I've become very tired, weary of it all.  I don't feel like writing my pain anymore... the only thing I can do now, is to take myself to bed.  Sleep... is the kindest thing I can do to myself... that's the only place I can separate myself from the pain.  

Isn't it strange?  'There is a way to separate oneself from the pain inside them'...  In sleep... one can become lost from themselves, their thoughts.  Not trapped... don't have to try to leave one's body behind to escape the grief.  Here, in sleep .... one can be at peace, and know... tomorrow's a new day.  Leave the pain behind, released from my fingertips to here for others to read... every letter is pure pain, every letter is a teardrop.

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Note:  

You can see here...another side of grief that you might not be aware of... I knew of it... I just never wanted to let myself feel ... anger.  Anger ... because my child is dead... my son died.  I didn't want to cry tonight... I wanted to be mad... mad at any, everything.

I am ashamed that I was feeling mad... but, it happened.  Now...everything is going to be alright. When I put me to bed, let me go to sleep, wake up in the morning... everything is going to be ...alright.

This is something 'I don't talk about'... only write about.  You can come here quietly to read ... quietly leave... without your life being changed.  You can get a sense of what grief is like without having to experience it.  

I wish only good things in your life, and hope you never have to know grief, pain... I've known it for many years in my life.  I can't seem to get 'used to it'...

I'm not mad anymore... I've written my pain, anger out.  Anger is one of the stages of grief... I've always tried to avoid it.  Tonight, I couldn't.  

Thankfully, I can 'feel' it receding like an ocean wave... softly going back the way it came... this time... the wave didn't 'crash' to shore... causing such turmoil to toss me around, throw me to the sand.  Yes, everything is going to be alright... thankfully.  I'm so thankful... I didn't want to cry tonight.  Everything's going to be alright.