02-13-2010 I Am Going to Share My Stories Here Until, or If Google Closes This Website

02-13-2010   I Am Going to Share My Stories Here Until, or If Google Closes This Website




02-13-2019  ...   I am going to share my stories from where I am writing now at: 

https://facebook.com/gloria.batescolors


I read something to make me think Google won't close BlogSpot.com so, we'll see. 


You are welcomed to come to the link above ... or right here until I know on April 02, 2019.


Gloria Faye Brown Bates

Describing Shock of Learning Someone Had Died ...

Describing Shock of Learning Someone Had Died ...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny

Disbelief ... not sure I heard right.  I need something ... to validate what I just heard.  Why?  Because ... just because there might be that possibility ... it isn't true.  I just pray it isn't true.



Someone has made a mistake.  I will try to find out in a discreet way ... I don't want to hurt anyone by asking outright.  If it's true ... oh my God ... people are hurting ... people are going through such undescribable grief, shock.  I ... know how grief, shock feels.



No one needs a nosy-ass person asking questions ... it would be like a firecracker going off inside a quiet library ... a bull clomping through the house on a white carpet.  It would be just damn awful ... and insensitive.



I'll look online to see ... I did ... the strange thing is I found the name of someone who died unexpectedly ... a year ago ... with the same name.  I kept thinking ... okay, it is a mistake ... someone is talking about this person.



An hour or so later ... I looked online once again ... and there it is.  It isn't a mistake.  My Heart instantly fills with sorrow ... like when you fill your tank full of gas ... overfill your glass ... liquid spills over the sides.



I'm full of sorrow for someone who has passed away with so much in life going for them.  Both Skip and I held such high regard for this person ... liked them a lot ... a whole lot.



Skip admired this person ... said this person's life was everything a life's plan should be ... this person had accomplished everything.


This person did everything in life a man should do.  He excelled in all he did.



Academically ... military ... family ... this person did it all.  He was someone in life ... one couldn't do any better.  Not only that ... he was a witty, fun person to talk to.  Also ... he 'was the sharpest knife in the drawer'.



In fact, I will say that it's rare I see Skip look up to, respect another man as much as he did this person.  That made me know ... this person was special.  I liked, respected him very much ... moreso ... Skip thought 'he was someone' ... that meant he ... really was.



All evening I kept feeling grief for his family, friends.  When someone who is strong ... so alive, vibrant in life ... unexpectedly dies ... there's no way to describe in words what it does to the people left who loved them ... whose world that person was such a huge part of.



I know ... my only child unexpectedly died.  He was so strong, alive ... so vibrant in life ... and like one of the legs on a table ... he was a huge part of mine, Skip's world.  Not more than 3 weeks ago ... I almost lost 'another leg' on the table ... my world would have crashed.  Skip almost died in the hospital.



Skip said it made him question his own mortality ... the person who died was so strong, healthy ... had a good life.  It's hard to believe he died.  Skip said here he was ... going through medical, financial, mental stress ... he made it through ... when he had a stroke, his heart rate went so low.  He can't believe it.  He thinks if anyone should have died ... it would have been him.



Below are my thoughts I can't say to this person ... so, I write them.  Sometimes, I write to Tommy, my son ... how do we know that our words we write ... travel out through the universe ... doesn't also, travel to Heaven ... to be read, heard?



So in case ... I will write my words as well ... as think them.  These are my words to this Special person.


***************************************************************

To YOU ...  May my words travel into the Universe, Heaven to you.




I can only think ... I am so, so sorry you are gone.  We truly liked you very much.  I'm so glad we had time to carry on a conversation the last time we saw you.



You were so funny ... and interesting to talk to.  Skip and I went away from you ... glad to have talked to you ... saying what a wonderful person you were.



In my mind ... when I 'look back' ... seeing us all talking ... it's like seeing a flash of sunshine ... smiles, laughter.  All good things ... we have a good memory of you.  I feel the world lost a good person ... and Heaven gained someone who will help the sun shine brighter.




Skip was impressed, talking about how you did so much in your 'young' life ... he wished he'd went on to do such.



We will never forget you ... though it may seem we do.  We never forget people who made us feel good ... happy to have met them.  YOU were one of these people.



**************************************************************


Note by this Author:


I promised to share grief whenever I experienced it ... this is grief for another person other than my Son.  This grief is for a person who made an impression on both mine, Skip's life ... a good impression.



He made us glad to know him ... not everyone can say that.  Anytime ... one can 'look back in their mind' when thinking of someone who has died ... see, sense sunshine ... that lets you know that person made a positive impact on your life.



My true words, thoughts ... and photo are written, owned by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

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• Birds of Grief Singing...
• Souls in Agony ...
• Writing Until the Grief Ebbs Away
• Isn't That Damn Amazing?

Photos of the Many Faces of Grief ... of a Grieving Mother

Photos of the Many Faces of Grief ...  of a Grieving Mother
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

In my last Blog post ... I promised you photos of how grief changes one until they no longer look like themselves ... well ... until I no longer looked like myself.


I never knew when I gained extra weight ... I never knew I was growing OLD ... all the while pain, grief helped it along.  When I did begin to become aware from time to time ... began to see myself in my mirror ... I couldn't deal with it.


An old woman looked back at me ... I remember I would lean in closer to try to see ... Me.  I couldn't.  I would try to smile to see if it made any difference ... I had always smiled a lot.  My face wouldn't smile like ... I used to smile.  That wasn't ... Me ... in the mirror, I didn't know that face.


I would sink back into my grief, my world of darkness where I was safe ... where I didn't have to see, think ... oh God ... where I tried not to ... feel.


You see ... you never think about grieving unless you've experienced it so, you wouldn't know that ... you are one person and when you lose someone dear ... you, that one person ... has to bear the pain, grief.  It's a hell of a load to carry ... it's the heaviest weight you'll ever carry in your life ... and it's all invisible to others.


Not only that ... imagine having to live with the knowledge that your child has died ... and you ... one person have to live with it every second.  You can't escape it ... you become numb to life.  I became useless ... I only did the bare neccessities ... housework, feed Pups.


Skip never gave up on me, he would 'push' me to go with him everywhere, to be out ... people would stare at me.  I know they thought I looked like Hell, some took pleasure in how I'd sunk down to looking less than a woman ... a piece of trash.  At times when I would really look around me ... I saw it.  


I saw in people's eyes that knew me through time ... they knew something bad had happened to me ... but, they never cared to ask what was wrong.  Just like when I went through 3 years battling cancer ... I was almost dead, fighting so hard to live ... again, Skip took me everywhere with him ... people would look at me in shock ... no one ever came up to ask what happened, what was wrong.


Some turned ... went the opposite way.  When I was 'beautiful' ... people would run to find out what was wrong, why did I look like that.  Do you know I still remember the faces ... people who did that to me ... I never forgot them.  Why?  Because I would cry not understanding ... I was too sick to ask why they treated me that way.  I was devastated.  I don't do like that ... I couldn't understand it.  But, I'm not ... other people.


You can't get away from yourself ... you are being constantly tortured by thoughts of your loved one ... you can't shut your thoughts off ... you just can't bear the knowledge you will never see, hear that special someone.


I've told you many times that I didn't know I could survive the death of my son.  This was the one thing I thought would get the best of me ... cause my death.  I lost my only child I could ever have in this life ... he was a most important part of my life.  He, Skip and I were very close ... we knew we had each other if we had no one else.  My world ... Skip, Tommy, our Pups.


I was the walking dead ... I've told you many times that if I had died then ... I would have never known it.  For the first 3 years after Tommy died ... I didn't try to know anything.  I couldn't find joy in anything ... I couldn't see past my grief.


As the first years went by ... I would feel glimmers of light, hope, joy ... I squashed them because of the guilt ... my son had died ... how could I possibly feel any happy feelings.  It wasn't all right.


Writing my grief ... letting the verbal tears run through my fingertips ... gave me life.  It kept me from building up inside.  I had to keep writing ... not stop ... or there would be a backup of guilt.  I would become overwhelmed ... I wrote harder, faster.


While I cried my pain to the world as I typed on my keyboard ... I cried silently inside, tears flowing down my cheeks.  Whenever I did look at myself ... my face stayed swollen, red ... tear-stained.  I couldn't look in the mirror often at all.  I couldn't deal with that OLD woman in my mirror ... who was she?


I began to realize as time went by ... grief, pain had hidden the fact that I had aged during that time.  I had become OLD during that time ... and I almost gave up on myself again.  I also, grieved the loss of my youth ... I wanted ... Me ... back.


For 5 years, until recently ... I wore 'fat clothes' ... tee shirts, and stretchy pants.  I never cared ... who would have thought I would have went so far 'down' ... I went to the very bottom of being a human being until I was nothing anymore.  I never knew I could climb back ... up ... to life ever again.


I made it ... I'm here, now.  I'm okay.  I have accepted my son won't be coming back.  I have no choice but, to accept.  Finally ... I am at peace with my grief.


From time to time, grief comes looking for me ... stays a little while until I make peace once again.  The darkness ebbs back to where it comes from ... leaving light behind so, I can see my path ... go on my way.  I never know when it'll come again ... I just know that when it does ... I meet it head-on ... and I stay positive because 'now' ... I truly know I'm going to be all right.


I admit at times though ... I feel those 'trapped birds panicking in the bird cage ... wings beating against the bars ... trying to get out' ... in my stomach.  Sometimes ... it takes a little time to calm them down ... during that time I feel afraid ... of the darkness that tries to pull me down, overwhelm me.  Somehow ... I make it through ... guided by the light ... so, I don't get lost.


The photos below are reflections of pure grief of a grieving mother ... there's no beauty in grief, pain.  I hope you'll see the grief to know how it can look ... not judge me in a harsh way.  I am recovering from all the changes to Me, now.  I am taking what's left of me, the pieces ... putting them back together once again.  I'm making the best of what I have left.  I smile here ... everything is going to be all right.

Note by this Author:

As promised ... I am sharing ... my faces of grief ... photos I was never going to let anyone see because of the awfulness of them.  I tell you about grief ... I promised I would.  Now, you can see ... also.  When you look at them ... can you see the photos over time 'where I tried to come back'?  I tried many, many times never succeeding ... I never gave up.


Photos/true story are both owned, written by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter.

I Wish The Sun Would Shine When It Rains...

I Wish The Sun Would Shine When It Rains...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@geegranny on Twitter

Rain ... something so wonderful, needed, prayed for.  I wish it would rain while the sun shines.  I love happy colors, bright lights.


I love rain but, it makes me feel sad ... when I'm alone.  I'm happiest when with Skip, my husband, on a rainy day.  I'm saddest on a rainy day when I'm alone with my thoughts.


These are the times when thoughts of my Son haunt me ... I feel a sensation in the pit of my stomach that's akin to ... fear.  I feel sort of ... panicky.  Of course ... now ... I'm going to be fine.  But, it doesn't stop grief from trying to overwhelm me from time to time.  It's always there ... just beneath the surface.

I wish the sun would shine when it rains.  You see ... grief never goes away ... it's always there.  For a mother ... it's a never-ending battle until the day ... she dies.  For me ... happy colors, light keep the darkness away.  I'm afraid of the darkness ... I'm afraid of the sad thoughts that make me cry.  I don't want to cry.


Tommy died 5 years ago ... May 29, 2010.  I've found an even keel now ... where I can live with my grief ... the loss of my only child.  I never knew that would be possible and if I hadn't struggled, fought to get to this point ... needless to say ... I would have died, also.

I wouldn't have known the difference at one time ... I was the walking dead.  I wasn't any good to anyone, anything ... and I was trapped in ... myself.  I couldn't get away from my thoughts.


I had to live with ... me.  My thoughts were my enemy.  I was my own enemy.  I couldn't just walk away, leave ... myself.  The knowledge of my son dying was bigger than I ... I was forced to live with that knowledge.  Either live ... or die ... I had to face reality, cope with that knowledge or simply ... lay down ... die.


If you've never lost a child ... there's no way you can understand this.  I try to put it into words to make you feel, see as much as you can ... without you losing your child.  I don't want you to lose your child.  It makes me happy when I see you out here ... with your family.  You never know it ... I never fail to say a prayer to keep you, your family safe.  You don't need to know it.


One way or the other ... I had to help myself get strong.  Writing saved my life.  Skip saved my life.  Our Pups saved my life.  My online friends, followers, readers saved my life.  All I mentioned here ... is ... my whole life.  I treasure all.  They are ... all ... I have in this big, old world.


I had to grieve also, for the loss of my grandson, a beautiful little boy who looked, acted, talked just like his daddy.  His mother's life didn't include Tommy's family ... I can't hold that against her.  I just can't.  Nor can I hold it against my granddaughter's mother.  Life is life ... if you are going to live ... you are going to have to accept things whether you want to or not.


I don't fight things I can't change ... nor am I going to be remembered as some old, ugly bitch always creating a scene.  I grew up in it, watching it ... living it.  I won't even describe the effects it had on me as a child.  You wouldn't believe the ugliness I saw as grandmothers became spiteful, vengeful ... the awful things they did.  I won't become that ... ever.


I wish the sun would shine while it rains.  It's so gray, gloomy ... it's hard for me to take my eyes away from the lighted screen on my computer.  I don't want to see the darkness of the day.  I wish the sun would shine while it rains.  I can feel grief trying to creep up on me ... to make me cry tears.  If I did, I would become the rain ... drops flowing everywhere.


Grief ... that one little word holds so much pain.  G r i e f ... it hurts so bad.


I sit here with my head down ... looking at my fingers on the keyboard ... in my peripheal vision ... darkness is around me.  I don't want to look outside ... to see the rain.  I don't know whether to cry or ... I'm not going to cry, it takes too long to pull myself together.  I can't cry on the outside for anyone to see.  I can't bring my sadness into the world to make others sad.  Life is hard enough.


I can come here to write my grief as I promised you several years ago ... to let you see when it happens to me.  I will tell you how it feels.  I promised you I would never sugar-coat what grief feels like.  I will always keep that promise.


Remember I told you ... you can slip in here like going into a quiet library to read ... when you are done ... you can slip back out.  You can see, feel grief without having to experience it.  Who knows, maybe my grief, sadness could somehow help you in your life.  I won't ever know unless you tell me.  The good thing here is that ... you never have to say a word ... you can read, go.


I'm so happy when I'm out and about ... listening for sounds of laughter, happiness.  I love to hear the sounds of ... family.  It's the most beautiful sound in the world.  I hope you don't mind if I sit close by, close my eyes ... listen, feel your happiness.  It's like sunshine on a rainy day.  Oh God, it's raining outside ... I wish the sun would shine when it rains.

Note by this Author:


Well ... it was bound to happen ... the holidays are here once again.  Next week is Christmas ... another family holiday when children come home to visit parents ... families become whole.


I don't have a child to come home anymore.  I've finally accepted that through the past five years.  It still really hurts me ... I still grieve ... the good thing is that now ... I can live with my grief.


Though I am a positive person ... accepted my son has died ... and all those 'good things' ... I still hurt deeply.  Especially around such times as when his birthday comes ... holidays.


No anger, bitterness, hate ... ugliness has ever been in my thoughts.  I am not like that.  I love, care ... too much to let such dominate my life.


I know that no matter what ... everything will be alright.  One never loses hope.  Even when things are wrong ... they are right ... in the long run we always see the whys ... and understand.


I just let myself look outside ... the branches emptied of bright, colorful leaves ... dark against the gray sky.  My mood matches the day ... gloomy, sad ... I could cry but, I won't ... oh God, I wish the sun would shine when it rains.

Photos, true story both owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

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• I Don't Want to Get Lost in the Darkness ... I Feel it too Near Me For Comfort
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