Friday, July 10, 2015

Souls in Agony ...

Souls in Agony ...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/aka @GeeGranny on Twitter

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Last moments of a child's life ... becomes important to a ... grieving mother.

Sh-hhhhhh ... don't say a word, everything is okay ... I'm just sharing something I personally know ... personally experienced.

You may never have thought of such.  Why?  Because you have never lost a child.  It's like drawing a picture ... you see the whole picture without seeing the details.

When I'm drawing, living it ... feeling it ... as I draw ... I experience ... details become important.

When it comes to being ... this grieving mother ...  during the worst of my grieving process when my son died ... thoughts of my child's  last moments stayed on my mind.

Those last moments of his life became most important to me ... this grieving mother.

I had to find some kind of comfort wherever possible ... just to help me ... go on.  Just to go on at that time ... to exist.  Just to have some kind of comfort to hug to my Heart.

I had to have ... life-lines to reach out ... grasp ... to hold on to for ... dear life.  I was drowning in my own pain ... pure, raw grief unlike anything I'd ever experienced in life.

I'd never had education on how to grieve, what to expect.  I never read a book on grief, grieving mothers.  Hellfire, I never-ever ... thought my own child would die.

I never thought my child wouldn't ... outlive me.  I know you as a mother with living children are ... as innocent as I was.  If your child died today ... you know you wouldn't be anymore prepared than I was.  Think about it.

It's strange ... we have sex education, parenting classes, birthing classes ... all kinds of education on ... important things in life.  What about ... classes when death strikes?  What about death education?

What about being taught how to handle grief ... what to expect?  When death strikes ... we are left floundering like a poor fish that's been jerked out of water.

We spin around in our grief ... no one can stop us.  They can't reach us ... we are looking inward ... there's no way as a grieving mother we can ... focus on you ... on anyone.

Our child just died ... we can only hear the screams in our minds ... we don't know if anyone else does, we don't even have the sense enough to know, think about anything.  Our child just died!  We are not even aware of ... ourselves.  We are souls ... in agony.

Twisting, writhing in pure grief.  Doesn't it sound ugly?  Doesn't it sound horrible?  Don't you cringe reading this?  You just can't think about it.  Why?  Why?  Why?

Because ... you are afraid if you do ... 'it could happen to you'.  I remember being like that.  I didn't in any way ... want to jinx my special world being a mother.

My child was very important in my life.  We were close ... I knew he'd always be there for me ... no matter what.  Not only that ... he knew his Mama would always be there ... no matter what.

No one can understand this ... unless you are a ... mother.  Our children ... are our life.  They are actually ... our flesh, blood ... a most ... real ... part of us.  We put our hopes, dreams in them.

We are proud of them ... look at my child!  Isn't my child special!  That's my baby!  I was more than proud of my son.  I loved my son with my Heart.

I knew he'd always be there as I got older.  As a mother ... we know our sons will look after us, protect us in our older life.  We know ... our children aren't supposed to die before us.

When my child died ... I will go to speaking for myself as I know what I experience ... experienced ... it almost caused me to ... let go of my own life.  Why?

I wasn't aware of it ... see, if you can't get into the mind of a woman who has just learned her child is dead ... you can't understand what I'm saying.  I can only ... try to describe, put into words something that is pure felt on the inside ... feelings.

Only the person who feels, hears ... yes, hears these feelings on the inside ... another person is never aware of them.  They can't get on the inside to see, understand.

I can try to put into words this grieving mother felt inside ... I will fail miserably because ... feeling such grief ... is so much more than words.

How can I tell you the screaming thoughts of I can't bear this ... I can't bear this knowledge!  I can't take it, no!  Oh no!  This is the phone call I always heard about ... no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   No!!!!!!!!!!!  Please help me, I'm dying!  Oh my God, oh my God!  Help me!  Help me!  Tommy!  Help me!  No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please, please, please!  Drug me ... I can't live with this knowledge ... it's too much to bear!  Help me, help me!  Oh my God!  Tommy!

I have to stop now.  I just went back to a place I haven't visited since the very moment I learned my only child died.  I am weeping at this moment ... to tell you just a moment of 'what it feels like' I ... 'had to go back' in time ... to that time.

This is only ... a moment ... when I first learned.  I ... am ... only ... trying to describe in words ... one moment when I first found out that Tommy had died.

Can you imagine what it's been like since May 29, 2015?  Can you imagine the grief ... in words, feelings ... if you ... could hear, feel ... inside the mind ... of this grieving mother?  Other grieving mothers?

It would scare you to death ... if you have children.  That's why no one wants to spend time with a grieving mother.  They can't bear it ... it might happen to them.

They can't bear to see, hear ... listen to the worst pain in the world ... a mother learning her child has died ... the screaming pain on the inside of her.

If you can't bear it ... how do you think a ... mother can bear it?  I beared my suffering, grieving all on my own.  I didn't bother anyone with it ... I never-ever talked in words my grief.

Thank-God, I've been able to ... write ... in words my grief.  Writing in words ... letting the pain flow through my fingertips like a river winding toward the ocean ... has been my life-saver.

You have to have an outlet for such raw, intense, screaming pain inside one's mind ... body.  Strange ... no one can see, hear this kind of pain ... it's so quiet ... but, so damn loud in a grieving mother's mind, body.

It's all she can see, hear, feel.  Sometimes, awareness sets in but, quickly forgotten in the waves of grief.

Waves of grief wearing away the sand a grieving mother stands on ... until she is swept away in the Ocean of Grief.

I try not to make Skip worry anymore than he has to.  I learned when fighting for my life (cancer ... congestive heart failure) ... it was important for me to be strong for ... both of us.  We are very close ... we get very afraid if one of us ever gets sick ... or more than sick.  It's too close ... to home when something happens to one of us.

Grieving mothers ... I haven't talked to one personally.  Surely they understand what I'm writing here.  I know deep inside they have experienced what I've been through ... still go through.

They may use different words in describing their grief than I do.  I only used these words because they are all I have to use ... it's like painting a picture with three paints of blue, green, yellow ... how can I paint the other things in a different color ... if I don't have those paints?

I can't ... I can try by mixing ... but, it doesn't work always.  I can only use the paints I have.  Grief isn't an emotion one can paint in ... three colors.  It isn't an emotion one can use only a few words to describe.  No same words ... can describe grief each time it's spoken about.  You can only paint it in different colors each time ... grief constantly changes ... today I am one way ... tomorrow, a different way.

So, if anyone asks you about grieving mothers ... I can only say this, and it always describes accurately what a grieving mother is ...

Grieving mothers are ... souls in agony.

This is written, owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.  Photos are owned by me, also.

These are my own feelings, thoughts, opinions ... I am not an expert to come to ... concerning grief.  I can only tell you what ... this ... grieving mother knows from ... experiencing grief.

So ... in the past five years ... I finally thought of words ... I can use to describe grieving mothers ... in 3 words.  Souls in Agony.


  1. I can't imagine what you have been through. I can only hope and pray that one day your grief and pain will go away. What happened to Tommy was a terrible terrible thing. I do know he loved his mother with all his heart, mind and soul!!! I can still hear him saying, "no one messed with Mama---or Skip". You were blessed with such a wonderful son. I don't think he would want you to be grieving but I can see why you do. My nephew has been gone since January 12, 2004 and I still miss him something bad. I know he would not want any of us to grieve but sometimes one just have to so that one can keep his/her peace of mind. Love, Ms. Nancy

    1. Thank you, Ms Nancy. I'm so glad you got to know Tommy while he was living. Yes, I think you are right ... sometimes, we have to grieve. Love, Gloria