Thursday, May 26, 2016

Getting On Even Keel After Non-Stop 'Bad' Things Keep Happening



Photo of Skip taken weeks ago ... he was very sick. 






Life is like a roller-coaster ... seems like 'bad' things kept happening ... I held on as hard as I could ... for now, all is calm. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.








Writing ... I haven't written for weeks.  I have been living real life where only too-real things have happened.  Things that haven't ever happened in my life.  For 5 months ...


Skip, my husband, began to have many health problems.  It seemed to be no end to all the 'bad' things ... stroke, low heart rate/pacemaker/2 heart stents ... congestive heart failure 3 times, pneumonia, kidney failure/kidney stent/surgery ... hemorrhaging nosebleeds/blood transfusion/cauterization.  He had to wear a Foley leg catheter for a month ... and more things I won't go into.  He was near death several times ...


Can you imagine experiencing so many things in your life ... never-ending 'bad' things?  I didn't think it'd ever stop.  Well ... for 4 days now (since May 22, 2016) ... since Skip left the hospital ... all has for the first time ... been on an even keel.  This is the first time Skip has gotten out of the hospital stronger, not having to stay in bed.  We walk, do little things every day now.  This hasn't happened for 5 months.


So, for 4 precious days ... Skip has been doing well.  I have felt peace inside ... for the first time ... fear isn't a part of my everyday.  I don't quite know how to act ... I know I'm happy.  I've been so non-stop ... that it's hard to slow down.  When I rest ... it feels good especially when I can look over at Skip and see him being more himself ... every day.  I'm so grateful.


This weekend will make 6 years (May 29, 2010) ... since Tommy, my son, died.  I almost lost Skip several times ... they and our Pups were, are my whole world.  I'm so fortunate to have Skip and our Pups.  I'm sad my son is gone ...


Being sad ... and happy at the same time ... is how I am feeling.  I'm sad Tommy is gone ... most happy Skip is here.  I could have been all alone at this time ... I have been so afraid.  Thankfully ... it looks like everything is going to be all right.  I pray so.




Note by this Author:


I have so much to be thankful for ... I think I'm the most grateful person in this world.  I know I'm not but, I rank up at the top.  I could have lost the only other person who is closest to me ... and been alone in this world.  Yes, you are reading the words of a most grateful person to have her whole world ... her husband, Pups.


Photo/story owned ... written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Nothing Compares to a Mother's Grief




Nothing compares to the grief a mother feels when her child dies ... it changes her forever. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee





My Son ... Tommy holding his newborn son.






This weekend is once again ... Memorial Day weekend.  It makes one more year since my son died. He died on May 29, 2010 while running, playing on the beach with his little 3 year old son.  No one knew he was sick.


Tommy collapsed on the soft, damp sand.  It was on a Saturday evening at Myrtle Beach.  He and his family arrived not long before he took his son down to the ocean while all the others were unpacking to stay for a week on vacation.  He made the trip to the beach ... just in time to do what he wanted.


Tommy wanted to play with his little son at the beach ... he died doing what he meant to do.  He made it in time ... just before he went on his final journey in life.


I would be fibbing if I said I haven't been sad ... felt overwhelming grief, pain well up inside me.  No matter how positive I grieve ... it still hurts.  This is year .... 6.  Six years ... since my son died.


My memory of my son is still just as vivid as  ... yesterday.  I can still see his face, hear his voice in my mind, hear his laugh.  I will never forget my son ... I will always remember him just as I am doing by writing about him.  I loved Tommy with my very Heart.  He was a good son.


I don't cry now, like I used to.  Grief does hit me at unexpected times ... I do cry.  It doesn't take as long to get back all right.  I've accepted I can't change a thing ... I can't bring Tommy back.  When I think of him ... it's with a deep, quiet sadness.  I really miss him.


I write about Tommy to remember him.  He was a wonderful person ... full of laughter, jokes, pranks. He had a twinkle in his kind eyes ... his smile full of sunshine.  He had a soft-spoken voice.  He loved me, Skip ... and our Pups very much.  We were all very close.


Tommy loved dragonflys ... at times, I make dragonflys with gold wire, beads and leave them in public places for someone to find ... in memory of him.  Someone finds a treasure ... and I keep Tommy's memory alive.


Memorial Day weekend is almost upon us ... I pray that your sons, daughters and their families go on their vacations safely ... come home safely.  When my son called to say they made it safely to Myrtle Beach in all the traffic ... I took a sigh of relief ... only to get that dreaded phone call a short time later from a stranger.


I was the first one to know my son died ... I was 200 miles away.  A stranger picked Tommy's phone up from the sand ... dialed the last number dialed ... I answered the phone.  I heard the stranger say, "ma'am, I have a man collapsed here on the sand ... he isn't breathing".  For over 3 years ... this grieving mother died inside.


Looking back ... I can't remember well that time ... in my mind I see such darkness, and feel the 'I don't want to remember' feeling.  I don't force myself.  When I do ... it takes days to get over the grief that wells up in me.


This was the worst thing to happen to me in my life.  I've experienced many 'bad' things, including being a cancer survivor.  Nothing compares to a mother's grief.







Note by this Author:

I write to remember my son, Tommy.  He was 40 years old when he died.  He had 3 blockages to his heart ... no one knew.

I don't think it's meant for parents to outlive their children.  Like you, I knew my son would be there as I grew older.  It gave me comfort.

Photo, true story by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter.





Saturday, May 7, 2016

Remembering Tommy ...

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny





Remembering my son, Tommy ... when I was a mother. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee






My thoughts drifted off into the past today
To a time when a little baby was born



A little blonde-headed boy with big, blue eyes
Crying to be held, rocked to sleep



A little boy who ran, played, rode his bicycle
Eyes filled with wonder as he learned his world



One day he grew up ... I couldn't any longer protect him
I wanted to .... I was gently reminded that he was no longer a little boy



One day the phone call came that no parent wants 
Ma'am, I have a man collapsed here on the sand, he isn't breathing



That was the day I lost my son ... my only child
Six years later, I still grieve quietly ... but, in a positive way



I haven't forgotten what it feels like to be a mother
I'll be alright this Mother's Day



I just wanted to remember my child, I loved him with my Heart
I also, wanted to wish all mothers in the world ... Happy Mother's Day






Note by this Author:  Tommy, my son died May 29, 2010 on a Saturday evening at Myrtle Beach.  He was playing with his 3 year old son on the beach.  

Friday, May 6, 2016

Happy Mother's Day ...

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter






Happy Mother's Day to all mothers ... I still remember being a mother once to a most special son ... Tommy. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee








Today ... I was told several times ... Happy Mother's Day!  I only smiled, said thank you.  I didn't even bother to say that my son died 6 years ago ... only a short time after Mother's Day in 2010.




That was the last Mother's Day I ever had with my son, Tommy. He died May 29, 2010 with 3 blockages to his heart.  He collapsed on the sand while playing with his 3 year old son at Myrtle Beach.



This Mother's Day I won't cry ... at least I think that.  I've coped with my grief ... though at times it slips up on me.  I admit lately there have been some times I've almost cried when I thought of him, when Skip and I spoke of him.



As a mother ... I won't ever stop being a grieving mother.  I don't have to cry now, to grieve. I just grieve quietly ... always, but ... in a positive way.  I loved my son with my very Heart.  I've accepted he's gone now ... I can't bring him back no matter what.



I would like to wish every mother a wonderful, special Mother's Day with their children ... their sons.  I don't have my only child, my son now, but that doesn't stop me being happy for other mothers.  You are so fortunate.  I'm so fortunate to have had my son for 40 years.  



Happy Mother's Day from my Heart.  <3 Gloria <3






My son, Tommy with his little son, Taban.  (Date is wrong on photo) ...




Note by Author:

I miss my son with my very Heart.  I miss the sound of his laugh, soft-spoken voice, the twinkle in his eyes.  I miss Tommy, my son.   I also, miss my grandson.








Where Have I Been ... What's Happened in My Life ... Sit Down, I'll Tell You

 
Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter







Where to begin ... where have I been? I'll try to explain ... so much has been forgotten in the big shuffle of Life. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee








Good morning ... it's been quite some time since I've written.  So much has been going on in my life ... I don't know where to begin.




Stroke ... congestive heart failure ... later fluid back around his heart ... pacemaker ... 2 heart stents ... bleeding out from heart catherization when the sheath was pulled out of his thigh ... he went through hell while they had to put pressure on his thigh for 1 hour, and 20 minutes.  The pain was so bad ... he had to be given morphine.  Prostate surgery and complications ... he still has a 9-10 mm kidney stone that was knocked deep into his right kidney they couldn't get.  Pneumonia ... then, a cold.  Hemorrhaging from his nose losing so much blood he had to be given blood.  Last but, not least, he is also, having problems with his eyes, eyesight.




Since January 2016, Skip has been in the hospital 4 times ... very, very ill.  Not only that, he had a pacemaker put in ... then, 2 heart stents ... later, his right kidney began to fail ... he had an uretheral stent put in until surgery.  Skip had ongoing problems from this surgery until ... believe it or not ... he had the awful nose-bleed.  It corrected itself.  We were so grateful.




Last but, not least ... Skip had an epic nosebleed.  He was hemorrhaging from an artery in his nose.  I kept trying to stop it with towels, wash clothes ... this nosebleed never slacked up.




Later at the hospital, I was told we'd never been able to stop this nosebleed.  Skip's blood count went from 13.9 down to 7 from that bleed.  He had to be given blood.




To give you an idea of how many towels, wash clothes I used before getting Skip dressed to leave the house for the hospital ... I was throwing them into the washing machine with bleach water.  Later, when all was washed, dried ... I folded 14 towels, and 32 wash clothes, and several changes of clothes, a robe ... where I was trying to get Skip ready to go out of the house.




This was a nosebleed I'd never seen in my life ... blood continually poured out of his nose.  Thankfully, I know just to call 911, now.




During all this, some time in between ... when we thought Skip was going to be alright ... I went ahead into the hospital for my surgery that had been scheduled some time ago.



Things began happening to Skip again ... my surgery was forgotten. I never rested ... I couldn't.  I was driving 80 mile trips to the hospital since January until recently ... I had to ask for help publicly from my friends to afford the gas ... tires, oil change.  I am forever grateful to the ones who cared enough to make all better for me.  I was very afraid, I had no family to turn to.  My family I grew up with, loved and was close to ... have all died.  



Each time Skip was out of the hospital, we ended up with 2-3 appointments in some days, including some of mine in between. We never had a chance to stay home to rest, let Skip recover. Thankfully, our appointments have slowed down to 1-2 a week, now.



As of today, May 6, 2016 ... I'm happy to say that yesterday and this morning ... is our first times to say Skip is doing much better.  I pray for many months, years of Skip being much better.  I've never seen anyone survive so many life-threatening things, one after the other.  4 times, the doctors said he came close to death. 



As for myself, my surgery ... I never gave in to the pain I was feeling, nor how weak I was ... I meant to get to the hospital each day (80 mile trips), and when I got there, I had to walk 'forever' to get to his rooms in the hospital.  I never remembered my surgery until the past several days.  We were here at home ... and I was became aware of pain, wondered why.  I remembered ... I had had surgery!  Amazing!  You see what my priority was ... my world who is my husband, Skip, and our two Pups (Kissy and Camie) ... they come first in my life.  They are all I have in this world that are mine ... my family.



As for my surgery, I'll write about that more at different times to share it.  It is a life-changing surgery that even this early has made a major change in my life.  A positive, major change.



My mind never forgot you all ... I just couldn't get to here to write. I am sure you understand.  I hope I'm back now, to begin writing once again.  I have missed you.



Thank you to the ones who helped me when all of this was going on, and with getting the tires for the pickup, and the oil-change. What in the world would I have done without you?  I'm forever thankful, grateful to you.  Love, Gloria 

Friday, April 29, 2016

We Both Been on New Roads in Our Life ...


We've Both Been on New Roads in Our Life ...





by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee


'It sure feels so good to feel good again' ... I truly know what this saying means. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee




I don't know where to begin.  Since January this year, Skip's health declined. He has been through so much that began to happen to his body.  I won't go into all of it ... but, I will say this evening is both his, my best evening in 4 months.  

He has had surgery .... I just had surgery 9 days ago.  I haven't written for some time, but will begin to soon.  I've missed writing.  

I just wanted to touch base here ... Skip and I have been on new roads in our life.  We've both come so far.  I will write more about this when I'm more up to it.  Goodnight everyone.  Gloria <3

Friday, April 15, 2016

There Comes The Time One Has To Ask For Help ...

 

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter





This is what happens when family dies out, one has no family support system left for when one day when they need them.



One of my Facebook Friends has been trying to help us with the post on Facebook below.  I had mentioned doing a GoFundMe page ... but, was hesitant because so many people have abused it.  


I didn't know if anyone would recognize we really need help until Skip can be alright again.  I don't have anyone to help us, to go to ... to ask for money.  I don't have any way of paying it back.  


I need to purchase tires for the pickup ... the trips (80 miles) back, forwards to Raleigh have wreaked havoc on already tires that need to be replaced.  I have no way of buying them.  


Skip just had surgery last Thursday, and there are complications.  We are having to make extra trips to, from Raleigh to his doctors, hospital, tests.  He may have surgery again.


Since January, Skip has suffered a stroke, mini-strokes.  He went into congestive heart failure, pneumonia.  He had a pacemaker put in .... then, 2 heart stents.  Then, his kidney shut down and a uretheral stent was put in.  He has been in the hospital 3 times, and has almost died 3 times.  Fluid built back up again around his heart.  Now, he has complications from the surgery to do with his right kidney, we'll know this week if he will have surgery again.  


I will have surgery on Wednesday, this week (April 20th).  It's amazing what has happened since the beginning of this year ... we have sailed through storm after storm ... and still doing it.  We are staying strong, and I'm strong while Skip can't be.  I'm there, always ... for him.  I watch over him even when he is sleeping.  I try to be his guardian angel in this world.


We are doing okay with getting our meds ... we need help with gas, food, and tires, and an oil change. Skip worries about the oil, has all through being very ill.  This is the only way I know to help us, that's to let people know.  I pray that you will.  


Maybe you could send Skip a card ... to bring a smile to his face.  That would mean so, so much.  I told my friends on Facebook that I tell Skip that they are all caring, sending messages ... but, actually holding caring, love in his hands, looking at a card would mean the world, and be a wonderful surprise.


I'm asking for financial help from strangers who come to read me, I know.  I don't have people I know, or family to go to.  The few friends who have helped us ... I can't ask anymore of them ... they have their own life they need their money for.  I don't want to take advantage, or make them feel they have to do something.  They've been so good to us, and I'm so grateful.


I would like to tell younger people to treasure their family/friends support system.  Treat it like a garden ... so, it's big.  You don't want to be like me ... grow older, have no one.  The very family members I love, knew would be there for me ... have all died.  I don't know the family members left, I never grew up, associated with them.  My only family left is Skip, and our 2 Pups, Kissy and Camie.


This is what happens when one becomes older, finds out there isn't any financial help for senior citizens.  I asked for help at our local social services.  They gave us $123 for food, monthly .... they cut it down to $111 monthly.  They said we can't get financial help because there aren't children in the house.  They said we could get on a 2 year waiting list for a place to live, and we'd have to give up our dogs.  


I've exhausted everything, burned up badly needed gas ... including completely losing my pride.  I will say I'm not beaten down ... I have to be strong for us.  I won't feel bad for having to go public to ask for help, I have no choice.  At first, I was so embarrassed ... it's past being embarrassed ... all is too serious, now.  


Each month I worry about getting bills paid so, nothing will be turned off, especially not while Skip is so sick.


If anyone wants to help us, please don't feel I'm begging you to, or pressuring.  I understand how expensive all is today, how much everything costs ... you have families to raise, and have to live.  If like I've done in the past when I never worried about money ... one has extra money to help someone in real need ... I hope you will.  I have done that many times in my life because I wanted to.  Maybe there's someone that will feel the same way.  


Below, is what my Facebook Friend did for us to try to help us.  So far, not many have helped, and I know they have their own life to take care of, and I understand.  


By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee


This is the information below, she put on her Facebook, and on mine:





Friends of Gloria Faye Brown Bates She really needs our help. I know she does not want to ask, so I am asking for her. 

For my friends who do not know Gloria, she has been having a rough go of it lately. Her husband Skip has been seriously ill and in and out of the hospital at least 3 times since Jan. They both have health issues and money is in short supply right now. Please help if you can.

She needs anything you can give. If you want to put $1 in an envelope and put a stamp on it along with a note, every little bit will help. My guess is that she would appreciate even a note or post card from someone who cares.

Things that could help:
An uplifting note or card with or without a small amount of cash

Giftcards: walmart (meds & food & Tires needed for car) Amazon (almost anything) Petsmart (pet food for their 2 dogs)

Money sent through PayPal gloriapaintsat@yahoo.com  (be sure to put the word ... 'at' ... after gloriapaintsat)

How to send it:

Mailing Address for Gloria & Skip Bates
268 Beasley Rd
Louisburg, NC 27549

Email for E gift cards or PayPal
gloriapaintsat@yahoo.com

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Thank you

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Last Night When I Wrote What I Did ... I Was In Such Turmoil

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By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

I have a very ill husband, two Pups that are my world. My world is being threatened by illness. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

Last night when I wrote what I did ... I was in such turmoil. We were expecting a good visit ... after Skip's surgery. It wasn't good at all.
That means more trips to Raleigh to the doctors, his and mine at the same time. We have been having 2-3 appointments lately in the same day ... to save on buying gas for a 80 mile trip each time. I have to have surgery later this month. Co-pays ... food ... gas ... bills ... we had been barely making it, but ... we were doing it without having to ask for help ... and now, we have more on us.
The worst thing is ... Skip is in danger of kidney failure. I can't go into all he is going through at this very time. For now, our life is scary ... I could lose Skip ... I have realized this 3 times just lately ... can you imagine losing the very person in your world ... you love with your Heart ... and he is the only person in the world you have? Skip isn't out of danger. I still see the expression on the urologist/surgeon's face ... and hear his words in my mind. I'm afraid. I'm sick with worry.

I saw the tires when we came out of the office ... I heard Skip worrying over he needed to get the oil changed ( he doesn't need to worry ... he is in a serious medical crisis at this moment) ... my mind began crying out ... I kept asking myself ... what am I going to do? Really, what am I going to do? I was thinking how crazy it is to think such things when Skip ... is in a bad way. His life is more important.
For those who thought I was asking for money to help me on my Facebook Page ... understand that I would never-ever do that ... I can't just go ask people for their money ... knowing I can't pay it back. I was talking to the only place I have to come to talk ... it's on my page.
No one has to comment or even let me know they read it ... especially thinking I'm asking them for money. This is my page to .... talk. I have no one ... no where else to go. I'd rather no one said anything than to think I was asking them. When you do ... I really pay attention to why you would think I was asking you ... knowing I'm not close enough to anyone to ask .... for money. It hurts me when I read you can't offer me anything when ... I didn't ask. Please don't say anything like that ... just know I'm not asking ... 'you'. I would never do that.
I would take the suggestion of a GoFund Me Page .... knowing I would take the chance of being rejected by everyone ... because so many people use GoFund Me in the wrong way ... there are always scams ... people begging for money for all kinds of things. I would risk no one hearing my cry for help if I had to ask. I would know all these things ... before ... I did it. I would be expecting nothing ... who am I? I would just be praying people who didn't know me would recognize I wouldn't ask if I didn't need help ... through my words.
My pride is quickly disappearing ... and I'm not going to let someone make me feel bad for not having anyone ... any family ... to go to for help. If I didn't have Skip and our Pups ... I wouldn't ask at all .... I would take care of my needs ... I would end them. I'm the only one they have to depend on ... no pride left here. It's gone ... it just got gone.
Think of yourself as a woman ... no one else in the world you can turn to. The few people who have been so good to you ... you can't take from them again ... you just can't keep taking .... you can't imagine the pain of taking money from someone knowing you have no choice ... because it means the world. You have no way of paying it back ... all these feelings inside your mind ....
Imagine letting people know your situation ... when you have always been so private, so independent. Imagine being a woman who never had to take care of everything ... make all the decisions ... and one day her husband nearly dies 3 times in 4 months ... and still isn't out of danger. Being a person whose family has died ... very few friends ... who never-ever had to ask anyone for anything ...
I'm being everything .. I wasn't .. before. So, if you see a GoFund Me Page in the future (I pray it won't come to that) ... just understand why ... don't think I'm asking any of my Facebook Friends for money ... I understand well you have your own lives to take care of. Just don't even comment at all ... to save some of the pride I have left.
Sometimes, it's better not to say anything at all. The ones who really cared, cares ... I recognized/recognize that. I thank you for caring. I love you for it.
This is my place to come to ... if you happen to read, it doesn't mean you have to comment at all. Just quietly go your way.
Also, if you are a real friend I want you to stay here ... if not, please remove yourself from my Facebook Friends.
Don't stay here to enjoy seeing me go through another rough time in my life .. I know who some of you are. I don't need that. In fact, to save you the trouble of removing yourselves ... I will be doing that all along now.
This is my Facebook Page ... I come here to write ... talk about real life ... in the meantime ... I learn from some of you sometimes, in how to cope with what I'm going through.
I don't need negative from anyone on here ... and I'm 'down' but ... I'm holding my ground, I'm not weak at all, nor pitiful. So, the few I still let stay here on my Facebook Page until I have time to remove you ... I want you to know that. Your day may come when you have no one, also. I'll know, I'll feel compassion ... I know how it feels.
Also, one other thing that bothered me is not long ago when someone told someone that I had lost my son .... and that person said, "but, I thought that was a long time ago" .... this keeps going through my mind. It was 5 years ago ... but, in my mind .... my grieving mother's mind ... it is still ... yesterday. I'll never forget that being said ... it burned into my mind.
Sadly, people will lose a child to one day understand how it hurt me. I'm not the only grieving mother in the world. I've coped in a positive way ... I still hurt deeply inside.
If you've read this far ... and you think I wrote a lot. That's right ... I do write that much ... this is my space to write what I want. If it bothers you in a negative way, please remove yourself ... go your own way. I respect your feelings, here ... my feelings will be respected.
Those who care at all ... who knows, maybe you have your own ideas, suggestions if you've walked on this road before. I know when I've walked different paths in life ... I would share anything to help another not have to go through the grief I did. That's what people who care ... do. I care ... I have a big Heart ...
I understand so much in Life that is painful. Do I wallow in the mud, feel sorry for myself? That's a big NO ... I get my ass up and keep going until I get knocked down again ... I get back up .... so it goes ... I get right back up. I don't give up.
I learned this from a woman who was paralyzed for over 20 years, as a little girl. I watched her struggle with the Hell she lived in, she never gave up. She was my Grandma Alma, my hero in my little girl life. She was a spitfire lady ... I loved with my very Heart.
I am sharing all I said here, on my Blog ... I thank you all who care, understand. If I don't see you anymore after this .... I respect, understand that it was time to part ways.
I treasure my Friends, here ... that's all I want to stay on my Facebook Page, just the ones who feel like I do ... people who have been here since Tommy died. You never had to say anything ... just being there ... meant the world to me. I love you, all.



Note by this Author:

I've reached a point in time where I've never felt as alone as I feel now.  This is what happens when one has lost their very family members who were their support system in life.  I have lost them, and my only child.

My husband is very ill ... and the few people who helped us in the past .... I can't ask them for help again.  I can't even pay back what they've given me.  What they did was more than I can possibly thank them from my Heart for ... asking for help from them would be taking advantage.

I am considering the GoFund Me Page to ask for help ... I don't know that it will help because so many people scam on there.  I don't know if anyone would recognize someone who has a real need in Life.  I may take the chance ... I am considering it.  I don't want to ask for help, but I may find myself in a position to have no choice but, to ask.

Friday, April 8, 2016

I May Have To Ask For Financial Help ... I Don't Have A Family Support System



April 08, 2016 ... Friday ... Update on Skip ... and ,,, The Pups





Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter




Since January .. my Husband has almost died 3 times ... stroke, congested heart failure ... he had a pacemaker put in ... had 2 heart stents put in ... suffered a groin bleed ... kidney failure, had a kidney stent put in ... plus much more than I will say.  On top of it all, he had pneumonia.  


For the 4th month, we have been battling his illnesses.  He has been in the hospital 3 times ... he has also, fallen 3 times due to his heart failure.  All of this time ... somehow, I've made it with my own medical conditions to be there for him.  I love my Husband with my very Heart.  I'm afraid for him.


I will have surgery later this month on top of it all.  I am going to my doctor appointments at the same time as going to Skip's, and to the hospital.  Like today ... we had 3 appointments to go to ... some days there are two appointments.


Today at the doctor's visit ... Skip's condition has taken another serious turn.  I don't know what we will do for money, we need tires for the pickup to drive back, forwards to Raleigh (40 miles going, 40 miles coming back) ... we need to change the oil.  Skip is too sick to understand, worry about these things. He always took care of these things for us.  


I have been alone in all of this ... no one to talk to, to go to.  I've been focusing on running everyday to be with Skip ... praying that the pickup will hold up.  I have no one to help me financially ... I can't  just go to anyone to ask for help.  


I'm in a position I don't know what to do.  So, I will go forward, as far as I can.  If I can't go any farther ... I will have to ask for help ... someone suggested to make a GoFund Me page like I did when I needed help to help our Pups.  


If I do have to make a GoFund Me page to ask for help ... it's because I have no where to turn ... I have no one left in this world to be here for me. This is what happens when one's family dies out ... no family/friend support system.  


I have no one but, Skip and our Pups.  What I'm trying to say is ... if you see me ask for help publically .... it's because I have no choice.  I have to be there for Skip, and our Pups.  I don't want to sound like I'm begging for help when I ask.  I'm afraid I am going to have to ask in the near future.  


I can't ask in person ... I'm afraid to take from someone because in my mind I worry about them needing it.  I know I have given my last dollar in the past ... and I don't want to take someone's 'last dollar'.  I can't take advantage of anyone.


I'm a giver, and I've never been a taker ... only in extreme situations.  This is an extreme situation that may cause me to ask for help ... and I'm so sorry I have to.  If you see me ask for help, just know that I have to.

..........................................................




This is to my Facebook Friends:  (I posted this this evening ... to update everyone) ...


Today's appointment wasn't good at all ... all is more complicated. I won't go into detail about it here, anymore. All is too serious ... and our life has taken another unexpected turn ... it has gotten much harder, more serious. I will respect Skip's privacy at this point ... he doesn't want me to talk about his condition to anyone right now.


At the moment, we've been knocked to the ground ... we are going to stay down for this weekend, rest. We both are so mentally, physically tired from all Skip has suffered these past 3 months.


Once we are rested .... strong again ... we will get up ... dust our pants off ... and go to battle once more in our life. We have a war to win ... and my fighting spirit will pull us through. I feel it fired up for the fight ... I just need rest now ... I've more than reached my breaking point.


Just like I told Skip ... no matter what ... all is going to be alright. Thank you all for caring. heart emoticon I won't talk about this to anyone no time soon. Some things have to be private. I know my Facebook Friends understand. I send you all love.

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Our Pups are taken good care of ... always. When I leave for all these appointments ... I leave them lots of water, food out. We love, pet them constantly. heart emoticon

Thursday, March 31, 2016

I Choose My Battles ... I Won This War Many Years Ago ... I Survived, Grew Up


By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter.


Learning to ... let go ... in life is hard to do. Sometimes, there comes times when one has to accept some things can't change, has to be. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.




Gloria Faye Brown Bates as a little girl ..........................





I will write MY LIFE, MY STORIES anytime, anywhere ... any way I want to write them.


If you happened to be in them when I was very young ... and YOU affected my life ... I will write it.  I won't ever call names ... I respect privacy.  


You write what you want to about YOUR FAMILY in the way you remember, know ... that's your choice ... that is what you know you remember, experienced in your young life.


I will write the things that happened to me as a child ... and if it offends any ... remaining family that happens to be related to me ... and I will add ... that I never grew up with to know at all ... you will have to cope with it.  My life is NOT about you ... my life is about myself and the ones who touched it, shaping it with their hands, their actions.


As for 'writing material' ... MY WHOLE LIFE ... IS my writing material.  Anything that touched, affected MY LIFE is mine to write about.  I don't write to hurt others ... but, if you take it personally ... you choose to do that.  The people that existed when I was a child ... don't exist today.  The children have grown up to be someone else .... people I don't know ... people I'll never know ... strangers.  


If I really wrote about 'some things' that happened ... you'd be shocked.  If I wrote names of the ones who inflicted things on me as a child ... it would be some of my ... family's fathers, uncles.  I don't name names because for years I've never told anyone ... and I don't have even one reason to name them.  Their actions shaped me, made me very strong.  It no longer matters ... who ... done what. What matters is ... how it made me become as a whole person.


Did I grow up to forgive?  Oh yes, I forgave many years ago.  I don't know how I grew up to be a positive, forgiving person who has compassion, cares with my very Heart ... God knows all that was inflicted on me as a child was just the right formula ... to make me be the most negative person in this world.  


Was I an angry child, person growing up ... oh, Hell yes!  My anger was hotter than Hell I grew up in.  Over time ... when I say that ... over many, many years ... the anger faded into the background.  Did it go completely away? 


NO.  I can still become very angry ... at the unfairness in this big, old world ... at the awful things that happen to people over this big-ass world.  I am for the under-dog ... I become angry at anyone who hurts, mistreats handicap people, homeless people, and children, and animals.  


I would have a very horrible punishment for people ... 'if' it were up to me to mete out the punishment for people hurting the ones I just mentioned.  People would be afraid to mistreat, hurt someone ... my punishment would be swift, no questions asked.  So, it's a good thing I don't have that power.


Getting back to 'family' ... I have no family left that I even know.  I never grew up with the ones who are ... related.  If it upsets you that I can't bond with you ... I really am sorry.  I truly am.  I just can't ... I have tried, and I'm so sensitive to people ... all it takes is one little word, action ... and I 'let go' in an instant.  It's impossible for me to 'bond with you' ... I've tried ... can't ... won't ever try again.  It's all gone ... it will never be.  I send you love, please go your way ... I don't want you in my life.  


I have one more thing to say ... concerning a letter I received yesterday.  When it is thought that I would cause someone in your family not to want anything else to do with you ... you assumed I caused that.  Not so.  Assuming I would do something like that ... thinking I would play that 'old family game' I grew up in ... is like slapping me in the face.  I would never do that.  If it happened, you did something I don't know about.  So, no ... I have nothing to do with anything that affects your life ... except ... me.  


I keep my ass out of it.  I don't want to waste time 'being family' anymore ... it isn't going to work ... we don't have anything in common ... anything to create a solid bond.  We are toxic to each other ... our whole family was like that growing up.  I don't want it in my life.  Life is very hard for me ... I don't need you adding to it. 


Go your way peacefully, forget me.  I don't choose to let anyone in my life because ... I don't need anymore negative to fight.  I've tried to tell you ... the one who keeps on and on ... in the nicest of words, the nicest of ways ... please leave me alone.  


Please go on with your life ... all these years we've not communicated, gotten to know each other .... we can't possibly connect ... at this time in my life.  I will always remember, love the child I remember you were ... only with a difference since knowing you caused the accident that hurt me.  I still love that child ... but, through time I never got to know you.


Another thing ... you said all I wanted was to having writing material having to do with you.  Don't be vain ... my life's story isn't about you ... you only affected it in a couple of ways when I was a child, and a teenager.  If you affected my life in good or bad ways ... I AM going to write it ... but, no one will ever know it was you, except ... you.  


If you take it personally ... I'm so sorry because, it might not be ... about you ... if it is ... it's about a child in my childhood days ... a different person than you are today.  No one won't recognize you ... no one knows you ... if you feel you are the one it's about ... then, it must be you ... and only if you tell it, yourself ... no one will ever know it was ... you.


Just simply quit reading my life ... simply live only your life.  Quit trying to begin a war ... I choose my battles, this isn't one of them. I won this one many years ago ... I survived, I grew up ... and now, I'm fearless, strong.  I AM NOT going to fight it again.  I'm just not, and that's just the way it is.  In fact, I am not going to give it anymore words than I've given as I write here today.


I don't want to see anyone when anyone comes to North Carolina. I don't ... even I can't explain exactly 'why?'  I just ... can't.  I won't force myself.  You don't know me at all ... I don't know you at all.  I feel no connection.  


I'm no one to you, and you are strangers to me that I wish the best for.  I have no hard feelings toward anyone, and being open, honest ... probably has created hard feelings toward me  ... I'm a big girl, I can handle that. Sometimes ... life has to be like that. Just say I'm the one who turned their back ... on family I never had, nor knew.  I don't know you ... I just don't know you.  


You are family I don't know, and when I see the same things I grew up in ... I don't want to know, be a part of. Simple as that.  Please leave me alone.  The family I knew ... even if they weren't perfect at all (I'm damn-sure not perfect) ... were the ones who were my foundation ... family I knew ... they have all died, leaving me alone with no family.


If you think I caused someone to turn against you ... you are so wrong.  If I can't help you, I would sure not hurt you.  I am not like the ... family ... I grew up in.  I don't blackmail ... turn others against others ... cause grief, or try to destroy the other family member.  I don't work in an underhand fashion trying to destroy you ... while pretending to love, not understand 'why' someone doesn't like you.  Go play your games in the family you know ... I'm just as much a stranger as anyone you'll meet out here on the street.


God knows with all going on in my life ... I don't have the time, mind, or energy to go about ... hurting others.  That's not 'me'. You knew that, though you said what you did.  You thought it would make me write back a big-ass letter ... I do my writing here. I'm not getting into ugliness like when I grew up ... your letter was a bait to get me into mud-slinging, accusations, just pure ugliness.  I will not bite it ... I don't feel that way at all.  


In fact, I don't feel any way about all of it ... I'm sorry to say ... that's exactly what I expected from you.  I knew you couldn't graciously stay in your own life without ugliness first.  I'm not going to be ugly to you BUT, I will say what I truly feel for the last time ... here.  Please leave me alone, please go back to your own life ... you are crossing a line here ... and I can't allow it ... I won't. So, it's best to forget I am even remotely related to you ... I'm a stranger.


I will go on writing my life ... the people who are alive today from that time ... aren't the same people.  Your life is yours.  I can't live yours, you can't live mine.  You were only in my life for a very short period of time when I was little ... you aren't the ones who did the 'bad' things to me.  Only one person did cause a bad thing to me ... I would have never known if they hadn't told me a couple years ago. 


I don't hold that against you ... our families taught us to be like that when we hated, disliked, became jealous of someone else.  In your mind, a little 5-6 old girl 'got what she deserved'.  This is in reference to when I was pushed into a ditch in a wagon ... the wagon turned over, I was thrown out on top of a broken, gallon, glass jar.  


We were taught to be ugly ... you just did what you had learned ... probably never felt remorse, sadness for causing an awful accident to happen to another little girl.  I still hear your laughter in my mind as you told me you were the one who caused it.  I turned against you at that very moment ... I 'knew' it wasn't possible to ever have a connection with you.  You laughed each time I asked you about doing such a thing ... you seemed proud. I was like ... 'oh my, wow!' 


It cut my leg very badly ... I remember wearing a big cast, and my step-father carrying me in his arms.  I never knew I'd made another female cousin not like me ... be jealous of my boy cousin (the one who was told to push me in the ditch).  I was just a little, innocent girl.  


I carry that big scar today on the back of my right leg.  Just think how bad the cut on my leg was as a little girl ... all because of you being jealous.  I didn't know the meaning of the word ... jealous. How did you ... you weren't much older than I?  I don't hold it against you.  It's no longer important, the damage is done.


When this person told me ... I was in like shock for a short time that someone would want to hurt me so bad ... and for that someone to be a little child, also ... when it happened.  I got over the shock, and I forgave.  I have to say that periodically ... I did, do think about that.  I'm pure amazed.  That tells me to never-ever let that person into my life.  Also, the words that you wrote, written each time ... I don't want to let you, anyone in my life ... they are alarms, also. My doors are closed.


The thing is that I know this one person I've made reference to ... is a good person in her own life ... I can't see how it could be a 'good thing' in ... my life.  I could keep adding other reasons, but ... I won't.  It all comes back to ... I just don't know you all at all.  I only know things that helped to make my mind up ... just like with deciding to be 'friends' with any stranger out here.  This isn't meant to be an insult at all.


I am sorry I have to write this.  I'm not writing a personal letter ... those days are gone.  The letter I received is in the trash can ... I don't play 'family games'... nor do I play accusations that aren't true.  

As for brothers I have in this world ... they've never responded when I tried to connect ... those days are gone.  We'll never know each other in our older life anymore than we did in our whole life ... which means we never knew each other.  I don't appreciate your comments on my brothers ... see, you never knew, or grew up with them either.


We were all split up as children.  I have 2 half brothers, 1 half sister ... I don't know them. There's a natural 'love/hate' thing there, only made worst by the one person who caused my accident as a child.  I already know how you have meddled in saying things about me to them. I don't know them anymore ... than I know you.  


It came to me that you are exactly like an aunt I had ... with all the meanness she had inside her, the poison ... jealousy, anger.  The spite and the 'I'm going to get your ass back if you don't do as I want you to'.  Doesn't work with me ... I'm not afraid.  Anything you want to do, say ... I'm ready to tell my faults, first.  It'll just be more ... writing material for me.


You aren't a nice person ... I know more than you knew that I did. You are like our 'family' who constantly operated like this ... to isolate others from being loved, cared about.  It's you only, who wants to be looked up to, loved and cared about.  I'll leave all that to you ... I'll never compete for anyone's love ... never.  


I love myself, my world.  If I'm ever alone with myself one day ... I'll have myself ... whom I can live with, be happy with.  I'm not going to hurt others ... to be 'king/queen of the mountain' ... at the expense of hurting others to be ... important, self-important. 


(Playing king/queen of the mountain is in reference to a game we played as children ... the children were ruthless in knocking others down the 'mountain'.  Only I couldn't hurt the others like that ... we were just little children).  I was hurt a lot of times.


I know I'm not perfect. I won't steal love, caring from others ... I couldn't live with myself doing that.  Sometimes, they need love, caring ... too.    


Over time I've studied 'you' (the one who caused me to be hurt as a child) ... the things said about you, the things you've done, said to others ... all of these things fell into place.  No, there's no chance of ever trusting you.  I just have to always love you, let go. 


I have one brother who died ... he and I were close, I loved him with my very Heart.  He was my half-brother ... but, we never noticed the 'half'. I've said this many times ... all the very people whom I truly loved, felt a connection to ... have died. Rick-Rick was MY Brother ... he loved me unconditionally ... just as I loved him.  Rick-Rick died ... my only real brother died.


He and I never played games ... we truly saw, knew each other's Heart.  I WAS his sister ... we trusted the other not to hurt the other, and was always there for the other.  That's how sisters, brothers are ... never choosing to take offense at every little thing, going on to live knowing you have a sibling who truly loves you ... for you. You never had to fear that the other was going to turn against you ... never.  I never thought of such ... neither did he.  We were ... real.


It's strange ... the very people who were most important at one time or other ... in my life, died.  I never knew anyone else ... excepting as a small child.  My family died out ... if anyone takes that in a personal way ... it's just an excuse to get angry at someone ... me. I don't have any family left.  If you want to do that ... I'm sorry you are punishing yourself, wasting your time on angry, bad thoughts when you don't have to. You were never a part of my life ... it doesn't mean I hate you ... or thought you turned your back on me ... our lives put us in other states many miles from the other.  Our lives went on ... that didn't include 'us'. 


I don't feel that way about you.  I only wish good things for you as you go your way, live your life ... please leave my life alone.  I am not going to play games, argue back, forwards.  I'm just simply not.


Now ... I need to invent a game called 'Family Games' ... I promise it would be very interesting if based on my life.


As for writing material ... I will write about what I want to.  As for writing about the person who sent me the letter ... I want you to read this, understand that I don't hate you at all.  I don't mean anything 'bad' when I say I don't want you in my life ... I don't disrespect you ... I don't choose to 'war' with you and I definitely will not do that ... you won't win.  I am already the winner ... this war was fought long ago ... I'm still here.  Oh, I survived the accident, too.    


You only played a small role in my life when I was the little girl who was dumped out of the wagon ... onto the broken glass, gallon jar.  That was one of the first most painful memories in my life. You caused that ... I didn't know that until I was an older adult.  I don't hate you for that.  Doesn't matter ... the memory happened ... I wrote about it.  If it gets on my mind again ... I will write about it as I 'turn it around' in my mind to study it.


As for my jewelry ... I never thought you wanted my jewelry.  I don't know where that came from.  I understand you were complimenting it ... thank you.  Each piece has a special, heart-touching story behind it, and I treasure each one.  Thank you very much for liking it. 


I didn't understand when you made a comment about my ring ... that it was a compliment with the words you used ... I still don't understand ... but, I believe you when you said it was a compliment ... I have no other reason to believe otherwise.  Also, it's not important.  I don't try to find fault with you, the things you say.  I'm not perfect at all ... I made a mistake in misinterpreting your meaning.  I can only apologize, sincerely.


I received a letter from you ... the contents stayed on my mind last night when I went to bed.  I gently placed that letter into the trash can, knowing I would never answer it with a written letter.  


Sometimes, we instinctively know when something is a waste of time.  All we can do is to completely 'let go' for good when we see ... nothing can cement a bond with anyone we don't have a connection with.  It's all gone. Sad, but true.  There would never be a trust of each to know one wouldn't hurt the other ... no matter they wouldn't ... but, we wouldn't know that.


I don't want to get to know anyone at this late day, time of my life that is related to me.  There aren't any true connections ... neither of us can help that ... it just is naturally so.  Sadly, when it's been tried ... it gets off to a wonderful beginning ... only to end in a not good way.  I'm just not going to get in that position ever again.  Maybe it's my fault ... I might not know how to connect with people ... especially when I sense they aren't completely sincere.  I'll take the blame ... though, no one has to.  It doesn't matter.  It's just another thing about me ... I can't trust easily, especially if I 'sense something' not good about someone.


If that makes me a bad person, even knowing I'm a good person ... then, so be it.  I'll have to be a 'bad-good person'.  When I choose a war ... it will be for a good reason.  I won't choose useless, empty wars from long ago.  I choose my battles ... I won this war many years ago ... I survived, I grew up.  


I have to live in reality ... I can't live in the past.  Reality is too real for me to waste time on things in the past.  I can't do both ... I don't choose to.


I can only apologize in all sincerity that it is ... me, myself, I ... that can't form a 'family bond' ... it's me.  I can't form bonds that were never there to begin with ... I can't form bonds on memories as much as I wish I could.  It takes two people to fully connect, want it as much as the other, never looking back ... only going forward. I'm only one ... sadly, I don't want to do it anymore.


I'm at fault here ... too much water has passed under the dam ... it's gone so far away now ... I can't go find any of it.  Life today keeps me anchored right ... here.  I'm just so sorry because I admire families who love each other, who are close-knit.  


God knows I've wished for that all my life.  I've accepted I don't, won't have family ... I'm okay with it.  It seems it bothers others ... when it shouldn't.  All these many years I was no one to them ... I only thought of them once in a while ... that was the extent of being related.  We were in no way ever a part of each other's life than I've been a part of a stranger's life.  It just never was.


I don't understand why? it causes anger, accusations ... mean words when I'm staying in my life ... on my side of the line ... when you are clearing crossing the line coming out of your life ... to touch mine.  


I've told you ... I don't want contact ... I don't want you to be in my life ... I don't want to be in yours.  Doesn't mean it's a bad thing at all.  It's pure respect, love, caring ... not wanting to ever be in a position to cause pain ... because that's surely to happen in anyone who is 'family ... our family' ... no one stays close, loyal very long.  


Nothing is permanent ... it never lasts.  I choose to never begin such a relationship ... I've tested the waters ... those damned piranhas bit my feet every damn time!  I'm tired of ... hurting, bleeding.  Now, that my feet have healed ... I've learned my lesson ... be damned if I'll ever let another piranha, nor a black widow spider ... bite my ass, or feet again.  I'll say it again ....


I choose my battles ... I won this war many years ago ... I survived, grew up.





Note by this Author:

This is written to one person in particular ... who will recognize all I've wrote.  I mean it in the nicest way ... for them to go on with their life ... it can't be.  It CAN NOT be.  We are too old now, to waste anymore time ... focus on your big family ... love, pull them close to you.  You are so fortunate to have so many to love you.  


I will focus on my husband, 2 Pups ... they are all I have in this world. I treasure them ... and will protect, care for them.  I don't need to bring grief, strife into my life ... I don't have time to fight wars that are just a waste of time ... I don't feel the need to hurt others ... or have them inflict pain on me, in my life.   


Stay out of my life ... don't write mean letters ... it won't change a thing.  The letter you wrote, I received two days ago ... caused me to do a lot of deep thinking ... hence ... you see above is what I sincerely think.  


I understand where you are coming from ... thank you for telling me the things you did ... I can see how you would think some of them.  How else could you think since ...  you don't know me?  I respect that ... I am guilty of thinking things about people I don't know .... won't ever know unless ... having a real chance of knowing them.  I mean ... what else would you think?


Some of the things only hurt because when as little children, we were close only for a short several years of our life.  I cried over you when you also ... were jerked out of my life when all of us children lived in Hell at Grandma Alma's and George's.  


I never saw you again, excepting the one time when Grandma Alma died. I didn't know you, then .... and never made a connection ... bond to you.  


I don't understand 'now' when we are old, gray ... what the difference is.  Let go now ... just let go.  I love you, I will love you always.


Photo/true story written, owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter.