April 07, 2024 ... Sunday 7:18 am
I used to see it as a child living at my Grandma Alma's house during storms. I was very afraid ... she would tell me to sit on her old couch, be quiet during the storm.
I would cover up with a quilt, head and all ... peep out toward the bedroom facing the couch.
I knew what I was going to see ... sure enough ball lightening that looked blue, the size of a basketball would slowly come rolling from the bedroom door, stop just inside the living room to (in my young mind) 'stare' at me.
The fear I felt was undescribable. I never called out for help. I saw ball lightening many times there. It always came from that same bedroom door ... always during a storm.
Strange enough ... no one else ever saw it nor ... ever heard of ball lightening. Through all years if I ever spoke of it. Rarely did I speak about many things that affected my young life ... there wasn't anyone who cared ... no one was in a position to protect this one little girl.
The things that happened to me during my childhood I thought then ... it was supposed to be like that.
At age nine in my young life is when my life went to Hell ... ME with it. Before that ... I had a beautiful life excepting for when my step-father would drag my beautiful mother by her very long hair out of our bed, beat her.
Her screams, the sound of his hands slapping her skin, the cursing ... sometimes, he would shoot inside the house. There were several bullet holes ... in the bedroom my baby brother and I slept in.
I vaguely remember all of a sudden I never saw my baby brother again. I was too young to know my mother and the man I thought was my father ... called daddy ... had split up. He moved back to Wisconsin taking my baby brother with him.
No one will ever know the grief this person as that little girl carried in her Heart. I cried constantly for him. He was my baby brother ... he was part of my little world ... he was part of the only life I knew.
Then ... my beautiful mother was gone ... people wouldn't mention her name, my brother's names around me ... I would sob uncontrollably for hours. No one could comfort me.
I cried so much, I called for my mama to come back to me. I cried for my little brother to come back. He never came back into my life until briefly as an adult. Sadly ... the damage had been done ... we never formed that brother-sister bond again.
My beautiful mother would come, go keeping me in turmoil. She would come back, try to make a life ... ended up throwing me from grandmother to grandmother.
She would use one grandmother for money ... the other if that didn't work out. At age nine ... no one can ever know the Hell I lived in ... nor the demons who lived there always wanting to do things they shouldn't.
They were disguised as regular people who smiled, talked normal ... who could be trusted around children. When everyone was out of sight that facade would slip on off exposing the real person underneath.
Those 'demons' were family friends ... relatives, mom's boyfriends. As a little child, little girl I was supposed to look up to them ... respect them. I never told anyone how scared I was of them, I didn't tell the things they did ... I didn't tell the things they said.
That's probably why ... I got to grow up. I kept things to myself out of fear. Many children have died, went missing for such things ... I didn't know this as a child. I must have had some kind of natural self-preservation in me.
How could adults not see, sense when a little girl is afraid, nervous? No one saw ME. They only saw my sweet little smiles, my beautiful, long, curly hair and oh! how much I looked like my beautiful mother. Oh! when they were angry at me ... how much I looked like my father whom they didn't like.
Life ... in my young mind was supposed to be like that ... the things I endured as a child. Don't ask me why as a little girl I thought that. Did someone put that thought there to make me do as they wanted? I can't tell you. There are blocks in my mind even I can't go back to.
I am very interested in how children are affected by all around them ... how they learn so young the things they do, how they think. I care.
As an adult I truly see children are so bright, so much more aware of real life than one gives them credit for. As a child I was told to shut up, children are meant to be seen, not heard. Maybe that's why I didn't, couldn't tell anyone ... things.
I am glad in today's time I can look back on my life without a lot of emotion ... I am always studying things ... the 'whys' of things. I can do it, not cry anymore excepting for one strange moment ... I felt that grief wanting my little brother, beautiful mother back as that little girl I was telling you about.
I was amazed after all these many years ... I hate to say it ... tears came to these eyes ... my Heart felt such deep pain. Who knew that was still there inside ... ME? I know ME so well but ... I didn't realize anything from 'then' ... could touch ME ... now.
That was just for a brief moment. .. rare moment. I think it happened because of such undying love in a person's Heart ... it's never forgotten. It's the same with the loss of my only child. With my son ... the grief is only behind my smiles. I know how to hide it.
The sunshine chose this moment to shine brightly on ME ... I am sitting here on the bed beside Skip and Camie while they sleep .. in a little golden pool of sunshine. My spirits instantly lifted from the dark place I just visited in my mind. No tears excepting for one ... I just wiped it away. Everything really is alright ... what a beautiful day!
Life can be very sad ... I think how we learn from all that happens to us ... 'how we apply our Life lessons to our everyday life ... matters. I can't talk for you, however ... I always talk, write for ME. I study myself ... everyone I know, don't know. I try to learn the hows, whys of Life.
Does that make ME an expert on Life? A big resounding NO! I am just so interested in what makes ME the way I am, the way I think ... and ....
And ... how in the world did I grow up to be a for-real good person, have values ... try to be the very best I can ... how in the world did I grow up with a good Heart ... how can I care about others like I do ... how do I stay, care for Skip, Camie like I do ... how can I possibly be pretty honest 🙂🙃🙂 (sometimes I do break rules) ... how can I be loyal ... how can I myself, ME take responsibility so seriously ... how can ... how can ... the questions I ask myself ... how in the world can ... I be a person I really like? Because ...
I do like myself because I do love real people who have come into their own not being afraid to just be ... real. I do like, love ME.
Real people can say No when they mean it instead of trying to please everyone when it only hurts them. Real people don't find the need to put others down in order to build themselves up.
They don't feel the need to keep up with the Jones. They don't do things to impress anyone to be liked. You know most of us for-real get stuck in being all the things I just mentioned ... thinking that's real life. I used to be all those things many years ago ... I can't imagine being like that now. Nor ... would I want to be.
Sadly ... in my life I learned the hard way ... wasting time, years ... thinking I was being something I wasn't ... was ... what we were supposed to do, be in order to be somebody. Oh ... sad indeed ... all the valuable time in one's life wasted.
Ball lightening. .. blue ball lightening is a real thing. I've witnessed it as a little girl. I thought everything in my young life was in everyone else's life.
Can you imagine how it felt growing a little older realizing parents actually loved their children, would go to all lengths to protect, prepare them for life ahead?
Can you imagine how it felt to grow older through time realizing that my life wasn't supposed ... to be like that?
I began on the road of blue ball lightening. .. here I'm ending our trip of many roads, detours before we go down another long, winding road. I think by listening without turning my head ... Skip is beginning to wake up. Camie just went outside. Time for Me to begin a new day.
I hope your day is full of the happiest of soft, beautiful colors. If it is, tell me ... I love to hear about happy, good things happening to people. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Skip Bates Precious Camo Kissy Fairchild Tommy M Sidden
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