Photos/written and owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates
My photos reflect how my colors change like leaves from summer to fall ... I change on the outside ... I am still Me on the inside. Gloria Faye Brown Bates 2018-2019.
I was thinking a sure sign of something affecting us is when a teardrop slips from our eye to flow down our cheek ... no matter we tell ourselves all is okay.
To me ... diamonds look like the teardrops I've cried in all my grief, any happiness during all my years here on earth ... they shine, sparkle in the sun just like my ring.
Teardrops to me .... are liquid diamonds. They stretch out in shape as they move, flow ... reflect things in them like looking into the past ... whatever you want to imagine. :)
In the light ... even at our saddest ... teardrops show their beauty while we are at our worst. If we can take a moment in our grief, pain ... we can see the beauty. Just the light, sparkle, shine can for an instant make us feel a tiny bit of joy at something so beautiful, special.
How do I know teardrops so intimately? Since 2001 I have lost almost all my family members to lose my only child in 2010 ... yes, I became an expert on teardrops during that time ... it was the longest I ever cried in my Life ... years.
Since being a little child ... I've cried so much when my mother would abandon me at my Grandma Alma's. She never knew then what it did to me ... she was so young ... and I understood when I became old enough.
When my son was a little boy he disappeared for 3 years. I never knew where he was ... the tears I cried, the grief I lived. Don't make comments about this because I will not discuss it with anyone. There are things in our Life we don't speak of ... the pain is too great. So when my son died ... I lost him for a second time ... the second time he can't come back.
If you've noticed all through the years when reading/following my Blog at happycolorsandgrannygee.blogspot.com I write about such things. Writing is like breathing to me ... it doesn't matter if I write the best or the worst ... I have to do it to survive. I don't do a lot of talking to others ... but, I do a lot of writing. My fingers speak for me.
I know how tears feel as they flow down my face ... down to my very soul ... to my Heart. I have felt happy teardrops, also. Do you know ... I hate to cry ... I do it silently. I'm embarrassed to cry in front of others. I will just simply walk away if I feel I will cry.
My tears are private just as my Life is ... just as when I die ... all will be quiet, private. No one will be able to come to see me as I lay in death to look at my face, make comments whether I look good or not. To stand, laugh, have a good time as I lay there in a coffin ... no, they probably won't know until it's all over and done with. I've told Skip if I die ... don't broadcast it.
No viewing, just straight cremation, no spending or going into debt because how am I going to know the difference? I told him to save as much as possible to live on ... that is my wish. He feels the same ... straight cremation, no viewing. So, if something happens to us ... everyone can know this.
Sadly ... I have known tears the most through pain in my Life. I do know how happy teardrops feel and for the rest of my Life, I wish to feel only happy ones ... I really do.
Realistically ... Life doesn't work that way and I also, know that very well <3 When I tell you these things and you read them it's because you want to ... if you don't just simply leave quietly. I don't need any comments nor pity ... I write because what I write about ... I know best. I don't pretend to know ... I do know firsthand.
What do I do when Life kicks my ass? I roll with the punches, twist with the turns, turn with the twists ... sometimes falling flat on my ass (yes, I said 'ass' ... sometimes, we feel these kinds of words deeply and have to voice them) ... sometimes ... it takes a little longer to get up ... but ... get up I do. Sometimes as I stand I want to give up and stay down. Staying down isn't an option no matter if sometimes take longer to get up from.
The last time falling down for me was the death of Tommy, my only child. I almost couldn't get up from that no matter how I tried. When I did I was very weak and had to become stronger in order to pick up the pieces of me I had broken into like Humpty-Dumpty.
Thankfully ... today ... I've recently gotten my pieces put back together again. It didn't happen overnight ... it has taken 2 years of working hard to make me look like a human again ... to finally see Me ... Myself ... in my mirror again.
The stranger I kept seeing in my mirror after my son died ... I couldn't bear to look at. I didn't know that poor woman ... the big blob of humanity looking back at me. I have compassion for her now ... I know what she went through. I ... made it through another of Life's battles.
I'm still like the tall, strong redwood tree that has stood through Life's storms. I bear many scars ... some you can see ... many you can't see. Yesterday ... this big, strong redwood tree shook when I learned of another death ... someone that was a link to my childhood, my Grandma Alma. I would have never expected such ... I felt the shock all the way to my roots literally.
The first years when my son died ... I couldn't think past my pain ... my world was inside me ... I couldn't see your world. Sometimes I may have wanted to ... the pull of my pain kept me anchored to the loss of my child ... inside me where my memories lived ... the only place I could go to see my son move, talk, laugh. I lived where my child lived after he died ... in the memories of my Heart, mind.
So, I know pain, grief the very best in my Life ... as soon as I was big enough as a little girl ... I began learning what pain felt like ... I began learning how teardrops felt as they flowed from my Heart to my eyes ... outside of me where I watched them sparkle, shine in the sunlight like little diamonds.
Something so beautiful from something so, so, so sad ... painful. It always amazed me. Little sparkling, shining teardrops. If I had a diamond for every teardrop ... I would be wealthy ... and would make dreams, happiness come true for people who needed miracles in their lives.
I wouldn't be fooled by the ones who didn't need anything and just wanted to be greedy. I grew up with such people (though I loved them with my very Heart) ... and I recognize them everywhere I go. No, I wouldn't be fooled. To be fooled would be wasting what could help another who is in need.
No one would know I would be watching, listening as I moved about in our world ... they wouldn't know it was me ... when something they wished for appeared in their lives. I never need thanks or anything in return when I do for others. I never-ever expect anything.
What I do need though ... is how it feels inside my Heart ... I need that good feeling of doing something that can help others in some way or other. It's like a healing balm to heal the open scars in my Heart from the pain, the grief I always seem to be feeling. What I need is what no one has to see, know. It's what I feel ... happiness inside.
Does that make me sound like a wonderful, perfect, loving, good person? I am not all that ... not at all. I have wished many times to be ... people have mistakenly thought I was perfect and so good ... when they began to step on me, someone I loved ... or became greedy ... they thought I would just let them because 'I was too nice'.
Oh my ... they never saw the hot, white fires of Hell coming ... I would hold back long as I could hoping they'd realize they were hurting me, someone I love ... I always try to wait 3 times giving someone the chance to realize, stop ... the benefit of doubt. I have only seen a few who really were good people realize, stop and apologize.
The ones who deliberately kept stepping on my Heart ... burned in the white, hot fires of Hell from my wrath ... they opened their eyes to what they were doing. Some became angry because they couldn't keep stepping on me .... some hated my guts. They never thought about their actions ... the weight of them stepping on me ... hurting me. Things they had no right doing.
Greed ... pure greed blinds some people. They choose not to see what they are doing, become indignant if someone makes them see. No one doing wrong likes anyone to 'really see them for what they are'. Some people use others for stepping stones to where they are going ... I might be a few of someone's stepping stones until ... I move farther out of their reach.
Some people will abuse verbally getting out all their frustrations, anger on someone in a bad way over and over in a day's time, every day for months, years ... knowing, trusting that person is going to listen, put up with it ... never complain ... just sit, listen to all that bothers them .... they go on with their lives feeling good for getting all off their chests ... not realizing the damage they left behind.
There is only one person in our Life now ... who is doing that. They have been so good to us ... we have been so good back in many, many ways no one else would be. Many people would have raised Hell way before now. We aren't like that ... we try to be as good as we can be especially when someone is good to us ... we do back more than expected to show appreciation because we want to. If not in money that we don't have ... but, in our actions.
For some time I have closely paid attention to the ungodly stress it is causing ... yet, I don't say anything because I'm asked not to. So, we continue to let one person into our life any time day or night to be good to ... and be a whipping post ... someone to constantly scream, cry ... bitch at for all the wrongs the world is doing to them.
We listen to things I won't even repeat here that we don't want to know, hear. We don't even want to hear the constant raising of voice crying about all the woes of their world. We are quiet people ... Skip's blood pressure goes through the roof ... the nurse who comes here wants to know why it's like that. She knows some of what it is and doesn't like it. She would like to put a stop to it, we don't let her. No one knows, sees what it is doing to me ....
That person has been good to us through time ... we are grateful. So, we listen and listen, and ..... and the white, hot fires of Hell burn brighter. They quit burning so bright at times when feeling compassion, caring for that person. We will always help them with their business, and such. We don't forget when people have been good to us. We hope we can continue for a little while longer.
I hope for the day instead of the white, hot fires of hell burning them ... that I can quietly, calmly talk to that person about what they've done for months and months, years. Then again ... I might not. I will decide when the time comes.
Sometimes ... in Life, we have to choose not to do something that would cause more harm than good ... oh yes ... whether you like it or not. Sometimes ... I feel the white, hot flames of Hell from being a little girl living in pure Hell ... burn in me making me want to raise Hell ... thankfully, I am a mature person. So, I let them burn down ... I'm always glad I didn't raise Hell.
I know how to ... I just try never to. When I'm about to go to sleep each night I'm glad I didn't raise Hell. Oh my ... it would feel good to do so for a short time ... but, really bad for a long time. The extra grief of hurting someone isn't worth it to me ... and if ... I did 'break bad' and hurt someone with my words ... they have truly pushed me and asked for it.
I have taken you from diamond teardrops to the hot, white burning flames of Hell. When I write ... one can travel all different directions when reading. I don't know if everyone likes to read what I write ... the good thing is ... you do have the choice of simply not reading and going away.
My stories are colors of my Life. My photos reflect how my colors change like leaves from summer to fall ... I change on the outside ... I am still Me on the inside.
