I've Been Here The Whole Time You Just Couldn't See Me ...

I've Been Here The Whole Time You Just Couldn't See Me ...

(Little Patches of Sunshine Became Stepping Stones ...) ... written by (photos), owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates


　

　

The fat, sad woman stood in line at the pharmacy waiting to be next ... she hated to be out in public. She'd become aware of how awful she looked. She had tried to look in her mirror ... she had to turn away ... nothing there was familiar to her. She didn't recognize the blob of human life standing before her. Besides ... the eyes staring back at her was too much to bear ... they reflected such pain she already knew, lived in.

　

The strange thing was ... she began to be drawn to her mirror where she could only bear to look for a couple of minutes. She began to realize she was looking at herself ... but, a self she couldn't bear to look at. Oh my God.

　

Time went by ... she had no way of knowing how long ... she'd quit living in real time, the real world ... she began to hear, see again. Sometimes she wished she could live real Life again. She had loved to live Life ... loved the sunshine ... laughter, happiness. When her son died ... she did too. It no longer mattered to live ... if she'd died she wouldn't have noticed it.

　

One part of her didn't give a damn ... yet one part of her that was hidden begged to be let out of the dark, fat prison she was trapped in. The more she saw herself in the mirror ... the more impossible she knew it would be for her to come back to the bright world she began to yearn for.

　

The sad, fat woman picked up her meds. The pharmacist explained to her what to expect when she took the medicine her doctor had just given her. The sad, fat woman looked into the pharmacist's eyes ... saw compassion. She wondered if the pharmacist could see the real person trapped in fat ... standing in front of her. Could she see the person hiding right in front of her? She guessed not ... she saw pity in the pharmacist's eyes.

　

The sad, fat woman stayed isolated for years. When her son died ... she went into darkness and forgot about the world around her ... forgot herself. Herself became lost in a big, fat body. She didn't notice. Black had become her color ... it was all she could see ... she lived in black ... darkness.

　

Tears, anguish, grief ... pain unlike any she'd ever known in her life. This was her life now but ... at times things from the real world around her would seep in. Little by little ... week by week ... months by months ... years by years ... she began to awaken.

　

Little patches of sunshine began to appear in her black world of darkness. A lover of sunshine, light ... the sad, fat woman took notice. In her mind, she ran to stand on the patches of sunshine until each faded out. She began to want more.

　

The patches of sunshine became stepping stones back to the real world ... the sad, fat woman ran from one patch of sunshine to the other. She embraced each one with her Heart happy to see at least a little bright light in her dark world.

　

The day came the sad, fat woman decided it was time to begin coping with the loss of her son ... to come back to Life there wasn't any way to not really feel the pain, grief she hid in darkness from. She would have to face her thoughts ... have to feel the horrible pain without any darkness to hide in. Time after time she ran back to the darkness ... it was all too much to bear. She had to face up to what she didn't want to accept ... her child was dead, he wasn't coming back ... no matter what.

　

The loss of her son was unlike anything she'd ever known. She had lost all her family one person after the other until ... her son died unexpectedly. This was the last brick holding up her foundation ... she crumbled in pieces to the ground. All she could remember was the last smile she'd been smiling when she picked up her phone thinking to speak to her son.

　

The last words she remember hearing was spoken by a strange voice saying, "Ma'am, I've got a man collapsed on the beach, he isn't breathing".

　

The man had picked up her son's cellphone where it had fallen when her son collapsed on the sand where he'd been running, playing with his little son ... where he had just made it in time to play with him at the beach.

　

Her son told her the evening before he was looking forward to getting to the beach for the first time to play with his 3 year old son. He made it just in time. He collapsed with blockages to his heart, no one knew he was sick ... died on the sand as the ocean waves and sea gulls sang a beautiful song welcoming him home to Heaven.

　

The sad, fat woman gave up many times all because of what she saw in her mirror. It would be impossible to come back from the big blob with the pain-strickened eyes looking back at her.

　

She tried to look better ... she just couldn't do it. It was like a true artist trying to paint a beautiful picture on a cheap canvas ... she gave up. She looked like a monster with make-up on. Swollen eyes, face ... all bloated by grief, tears ... fat. It was a losing battle. She looked like someone in a horror flick ... make-up enhancing all the ugliness she had become.

　

The day came when she became strong enough to stand in front of her mirror and really look at herself ... face what had happened to her physically. Her son had died ... and she was going to either cope with it or ... die. She began coping ... the pain became worse in the sunshine ... her tears glistened like diamonds in the sunshine. She hid her cries from her husband. Her Pups always knew ... they knew everything.

　

A story can be written in words ... it can be written in long or short stories ... Life takes so much longer in time when actually living it. Life hurts more than words can describe when you are the one feeling the pain.

　

A story can't in any way tell every minute, hour, day you've lived in the pure agony of grief, pain. It has to be told in paragraphs, sentences hinting at such when you wish you could describe it so well one could actually feel as they read. There's no way such pure, pure pain can be told ... to know is to feel it.

　

The sad, fat woman began to meet different people who hadn't seen her in years ... or when they did see her they either didn't recognize her or they would avoid her. Who would want to be seen talking to a horrible blob of life with a swollen face, eyes? My God, what happened to her?

　

No one ever took the time to stop to ask ... 'what happened to change you so much?' No one bother to speak ... no one wanted to speak to someone who had changed so much ... if they even recognized her. Not many people knew she had a son ... nor that he had died. She didn't tell them ... she was a private person. She didn't need anyone's pity, sympathy.

　

When someone did speak, wondered why they hadn't seen her ... the fat, sad woman would look at them thinking ... "I have been here all the time and you didn't see me" ... she was hidden by bloat, fat ... not caring, pure grief and pain.

　

The real her was hidden under layers of grief, pain, bloat, fat ... no one could see the person she'd always been. When she looked at other pretty women dressed in their nice clothes, heels ... make-up, pretty hair ... the fat, sad woman began to ache inside to be like that again ... that was really her. She knew it impossible ... she couldn't ever look like that again.

　

One night she laid in her bed thinking, panicking. She spoke to her husband, told him that she couldn't bear to live like this any longer. The fat scared her ... she had turned on her side and thought about how the weight felt ... she began to feel suffocated, couldn't breathe. The thought came to her that she was going to have to get out of her fat body or ... she was going to die. One way or the other ... she wasn't going to grow older this big. She just could NOT do it. She'd rather die first.

　

This was in year 2016 ... she began to walk faithfully. It didn't take long to feel better inside but, oh my ... she had such a long ... impossible ... way to go. The weight caused health problems ... made her life awful. She decided to have weight-loss surgery.

　

She had been researching it online ... joining groups learning about the different types of weight-loss surgeries one could have. When she felt ready she went to a doctor ... and that began a whole new journey in her life. She had weight-loss surgery April 16, 2016 ... the sleeve in her opinion was the safest by far though one could still have complications. She did well. In fact, her husband was in the same hospital very ill ... when her scheduled surgery came. She had it ... went straight to him as soon as possible. He came home, she cared for him never looking back. Never hurting.

　

She walked and began losing the weight ... until she reached a time she didn't lose. She had stopped walking because of the cold, danger of walking where she lived. She began to gain weight panicking her ... you can't just have the surgery and not do your part ... she gained 10 lbs. Gaining 10 lbs was like the end of the world.

　

That was when she knew she had to have help. She went to her doctor, talked to him telling him what was happening. He listened to her, did tests ... when he felt it safe he gave her medicine to help her. She began losing her weight again ... she stopped eating extra foods she didn't need.

　

She lost from 238 lbs. 169 lbs. That was the last time she looked at the scale. She found she could keep losing weight if she didn't look at the scale ... she felt the scale jinxed her. She went down to a size 12 ... her goal being size 8-10. To this day she doesn't know her weight in numbers but, will wait to know in March 2019.

　

She began getting all kinds of attention ... some good and some sad. People who liked her to begin with ... were so happy to see her. Why, where have you been? they would ask. She would just say she was there the whole time they didn't see her. No one ever paid attention when she would say that.

　

People told her how nice she looked ... how she was beautiful, looking young for her age ... you know all the things people say. It was like when you are little ... you got hurt and someone would kiss your boo-boo. It made everything alright again. She was so happy to hear their words, it meant she was back to ME again. She wanted that with her Heart.

　

Sadly ... she began to notice people she really liked always ... women ... began to avoid looking at her ... their body language reflecting they didn't want to speak to her when their husbands, boyfriends were with them. It hurt her deeply because everyone knew how she loved the ground her own husband walked on ... she wasn't looking for a boyfriend, or a man. She respected those women and wouldn't go near them ... she didn't want to cause them unneccesary pain. She cared.

　

She understood though ... she understood because at her heaviest ... she'd experienced such. It DOES hurt a woman when she isn't looking her best ... sees you come along and have lost all the weight, look nice ... and her husband, boyfriend sees ... and he says, "you need to lose weight, look at her!"

　

She didn't know if she should gain all the weight back to be accepted by women ... or just be nice, kind like always and hope they could say something making it possible to let them know, "hey, I'm not a threat to you". She knew how it hurt when being overweight ... everyone else looking very nice in their clothes ... and having to wear fat clothes, never quite dressing good because everyone knew they were your fat clothes. The years of grief kept her from feeling that pain ... she'd lost something more precious than weight ... her child.

　

Today ... January 14, 2019 ... the sad, fat woman is no more. I found when I looked at photos of her I could only feel deep compassion for her. I could see in her photos her eyes were blinded by grief, pain ... she couldn't see beyond that. She just existed ... her body changing without her being aware of it. Until ... the day came she became like Humpty-Dumpty ... she began picking her pieces up ... putting them back together again.

　

Today ... I notice the sad, fat woman is gone but ... I notice when she goes out in public she is noticed by everyone. It overwhelms her when she should be so proud. Some people have stopped talking to her ... in fact, it's like they don't know what to say and don't say anything. I notice pain in her eyes again ... a different pain ... feelings are hurt. She wonders why so and so doesn't speak now ... they always did when she was big, fat. Why?

　

I notice when the sad, fat woman who has become small ... is a lot of the time the smallest person around. She looks around and discovers ... everyone has become overweight. She is amazed ... now, she has lost her weight ... it is a dream come true ... an impossible dream she worked hard at making happen. Now ... she is the one not fitting in with everyone ... she lost the weight ... they gained it. Not only that ... she sees they dress in clothes to be comfortable ... now, she dresses up in clothes that's been hanging in her clothes for years, buying a piece here and there. She hasn't had the money to go shopping for clothes like women do when they lose all their weight. So, she does next best ... a piece here and there to go with other articles of clothing to 'dress it up'.

　

By now ... you recognize the woman as ME. I was the one there and no one could see ME. I was the one hidden beneath the layers of fat, gloat, pain and grief. No one could find ME. I couldn't find ME. I thank God now ... I have found ME and others who knew me before ... recognize ME now. In my Heart I am grateful, thankful to have lost my weight ... I knew it impossible to do ... I knew it impossible to ever have photos of me to look like ME again. The impossible came true and I'm ... pure amazed. I put them on my Facebook all the time reflecting my happiness at discovering ME again. I know people get tired of it ... but, they can go back to their Facebooks if they want. My Facebook reflects the ... real ME.

　

Another thing ... I love to dress in my own style like 'before' ... and that's just ME. I'm not a threat to anyone even if I didn't have my precious husband. Why? Because I have deep respect, caring for everyone, everything. I didn't travel the many, many roads in my life for nothing ... I learned how pain felt ... and I would never intentionally hurt others with my actions.

　

I believe in relationships, marriages, families ... they are priority in life. I have no respect for others who step on such lightly for their own pleasures, desires ... go off leaving other people's lives in shambles, destroyed for a few moments of satisfying themselves, getting what they want.

　

I believe in respect, love, caring ... and going your own way if you can't do that. Don't hurt others ... if you can't help don't hurt. I am very realistic ... I know Life has all kinds of tricks up its sleeve ... I know we all have to still try to be good as possible, not give up no matter what Life's twists, turns bring us. We just can't give up no matter what ... the world would go straight on to Hell if we did.

　

These are my thoughts this morning ... and to the ones who ask me 'where have I been?' I've been here all along ... you just didn't see ME. Now ... you can recognize ME ... I can now recognize my self. I feel so happy seeing such a familiar person again ... I know HER! :) :) :)

　

No one can understand if they haven't experienced at least some of what I write about. That's understandable. I'm still going to write about it ... I write about real Life as I experience, see it ... I don't sugar-coat my words.


Note by Author:     Little patches of sunshine became my stepping stones back to Life ... by Gloria Faye Brown Bates