Monday, October 22, 2018

Our Life Coming To An End Here ... We Have To Move So Owner Can Get House Ready ... He Wants To Sell House Before Holidays ... Happy, Sad, Scary Feelings That I Never Get Used To All At One Time ... Gracious.

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee ... October 2018

Our Life Coming To An End Here ... We Have To Move So Owner Can Get House Ready ... He Wants To Sell House Before Holidays ... Happy, Sad, Scary Feelings That I Never Get Used To All At One Time ... Gracious.

I put on a shirt I've had 'in back' of my closet for years ... it still had a price tag on it. I can wear it now!
I am finally getting the nerve up to try on some clothes I have kept through time even before Tommy died ... also, I have some clothes Tommy bought for me through time that grew too small because I grew too big ... I can wear them now  When Tommy died ... it didn't matter anyway. Clothes didn't mean anything to me then ... very little else did either ... I was in a dark world where I couldn't see anything but know the loss of my only child.
In fact, some are 'too big' ... isn't that wonderful?!!!  I have one of Tommy's trucking jackets I love to wear ... this winter, it's too big!!!
Guess what? I pure treasure, love my son's jacket ... no matter how big it gets, I will wear it. I remember at one time a couple of years ago I was afraid I'd gain 'too much' weight to continue wearing it.
I find at this stage in my Life that Life has a way of being happy, sad, scary all at the same time. I should be used to it, I never have grown used to those 3 feelings all at once ... all these years. Now ... for the past 2 weeks, I've felt panicky ... sick to my Heart, afraid ... and happy because of weight loss to go with the sadness in my Heart.
We are facing having to move without money, Skip has been deathly sick especially in the past 2 years and is/will continue getting medical attention. What in the world can I do to help us?Already, at this time of year, it has begun to get very cold ... that's scary. It was 32 degrees this morning.
We don't know how to handle this yet. I am talking Skip into letting me set up a GoFundMe to help us with finding a home that we can continue to pay rent on in the future ... preferably a used travel trailer we don't have to move out of later ... when we don't have any help ... very cheap rent (I'm afraid it's impossible here now with so many people moving in every day). So far, he tells me to not do it ... something good will happen for us.
We don't have much time ... the owner wants to sell the home now before the holidays ... there is a lot of work to do to make to make a house sellable. The holidays are here in just a few weeks.
This is October 22, 2018 ... Thanksgiving is very soon. That begins the holidays ... I have begun to panic. Why?
I have no family who could even begin to help us ... they are gone ... I sit here and think ... they have all died. See ... this is what happens when a person loses all their family and becomes older ... I tell younger people to build a support system now ... they'll never know like I didn't ... your family could be gone tomorrow. Even to their children ... my only child, Tommy ... isn't here to help us ... and he would have just as we would have him. He died unexpectedly with 3 blockages to his heart and collapsed, died. So what do I do?
I've checked resources here in this county ... do you know ... there's nothing for us without a long waiting list ... and we'd have to give up our 3 dogs ... two who have been rescued by us.
We can't do that to our dogs ... we can't take their life away from them when they know security, protection, love, care, good food since being rescued, no more than giving up little children who have come to love, depend on you ... trust you.
We would live in our 2 vehicles and little utility shed with our dogs if we had to ... we'd hope someone would let us live somewhere. I've been through so much ... homeless isn't one of them ... but, I'd do my best to do it with grace, cleanliness, and being protective of Skip and our Pups if we had to. I would do my very best to live homeless if I had to.
Sometimes ... everything runs out for people and they have no one, no place to turn ... you can only do the very best you know how and can do. If not ... what is left? I don't want to die now when I've just started living having coped with the loss of Tommy, my son.
We understand very well the owner's situation, we know the owner. We are friends with him. In fact ... with no family left I've grown to love him 'like family'. I don't think he would do this to us at this time of year all of a sudden unless it was having to do so. So you see ... there's no bitterness, no anger or hard feelings against the owner, our friend. I hope no one will make any negative comments at all about the owner.
He has been very good to us ... we have been very good back to him doing, going for him to take care of paperwork, business, so-on. We have taken care of his cleaning house, other things for him, mow grass ... and watched his property for him while being away. This has been both night and day ... we have always been there for him. We have been his property caretakers.
Many things too numerous to mention we do ... and I'm not trying to win Brownie points. We have done things people who are real friends do for the other ... always jumping to do for them, never questioning ... just glad to do things for the owner. We do that because we want to. He was there for us if we needed him.
I understand that it is embarrassing to go public, create a fund to raise money to help us move (deposits, utilities, gas to look for places, the lists go on) ... truthfully, we are that close to being homeless. Gracious ... where does a person turn? This is the only way I would know to ask for help, something I rarely ever-ever ask anyone for. Everyone who knows me ... know 'if I ever ask for help' ... Gloria is desperate. I am at this moment just before being desperate ... especially when Skip is asked if he has found a place yet ... if he is looking and such. I become completely sick at Heart.
I've found out that people in offices where I thought I could go to, get answers, help... can look you straight in the face ... never blink an eye and tell you ... "I have nothing for you". No heart, no emotion, no caring in their eyes ... on their face. All I could say was ... "thank you", and leave. I understand they all have a job to do ... I've worked in an office with the public. I also, understand showing compassion, caring can make people feel better. Just act like you care even if you don't. I left just as nice as I was when I arrived.
Skip is older now, has medical conditions ... I won't mention mine because I never think about them if possible. Skip's medical conditions are more important to me ... and our Pups3. Even if I don't think about it, want to admit it ... we have gotten older ... we are senior citizens now ... is that amazing or what? That's why I have to be strong for us ... I have to put how I feel physically aside and be very, very strong. I will, can do it.
I am writing about all this ... why? Because I may have to go public in asking for financial help to find a place for us to live ... I am also, hoping for advice if someone knows something I don't know ... and I exhausted that 2 years ago when I almost lost Skip to stroke, heart conditions. That's when I discovered you can read one thing online showing resources for older people ... go to places offering them ... they aren't there. And today ... oh my ... look at the people young, old who need help now from all these disasters ... it breaks my Heart.
I will say what I hope can possibly happen ... and if it doesn't ... we will and have to take one day at a time ... even if it means to move into our vehicles and do the best we can.
I hope I could somehow, some way raise enough money to purchase a used travel trailer in good condition for us, our Pups3 ... I would always have a roof over our heads ... we wouldn't have to move out of 'home' again. I could move it anytime if we needed to move somewhere. We have a limited income and I could pay monthly utilities, buy food for us, Pups3 ... gas for appointments, etc.
This is what's on my mind this morning. I'm thinking of what I can do to help our situation because in just a few weeks the holidays will be here ... the weather has already begun to get very cold.
I don't want us to end up with no place to go ... the embarrassment of saying we can't find a place that's affordable for us to live ... we would leave quietly if asked to go ahead to leave here and live in our 2 vehicles.
While I can ... I am going to create a GoFundMe or Facebook FundMe in the near future ... and everyone can see why I would need it for us.
Just know this, if I had any other choice ... I wouldn't do this at all. I'm just before desperate ... and I am asking for help to purchase a used travel trailer in good condition so we can have walls, roof around us.
Also, I don't want anyone to say anything negative toward the homeowner. We all have to do what we have to do. Life is like this ... I understand it very well. I have been through many battles in Life ... this is going to be another one just as important as any I've been through. We are older now ... who knows the years we have left? I am going to try to do the best I can to help us, our Pups3. Thank all of you and if you know something to help, let me know.  Gloria Faye Brown Bates  

Note by this Author:  Life is like this sometimes ... it's called real life.  You see a person doing with only what they have and the best they know how.  That's a real person ... life is sometimes too real, scary, happy, sad.  Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Saturday, October 20, 2018

Stirrings of Anger, Hate ... the WHYS?

Stirrings of Anger, Hate ... the WHYS?
by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... October 2018

Watching the news, listening to so many unfair, ugly words ... I see now that's what upsets me, makes me feel anger, hate. Anger for the ugliness ... hate for the awful things people say, do to one another to get ahead in Life. I have been studying myself, paying attention to my ... WHYS? ... lately ... I have begun to feel these emotions more-so in the past weeks. It's close to election time ... like everyone, I feel beaten from all the commercials belittling other candidates to make one look like a better candidate to vote for.

I was brought up to be ugly, mean, hateful and take advantage of others to get what I want no matter what I do to them ... what in the world went 'wrong' with me? I can't do it ... even suffering I can't take from others easily even when I need badly ... why? Gracious, I didn't realize I was growing up to be a ... real politician. I was supposed to be able to take from others, be ugly and be happy, gloating over all the spoils I came into possession of.

Why don't I take from others all I can get? ... I am afraid they are going to need it if ... they give to me. I can't bear to think of someone being good to me ... and go without ... see, because this is my nature also ... I have given, went without with a smile on my face to cover that I needed it, too. I hate seeing pain in others ... I hate seeing when they need and can't have. I wish to help them if possible. Why in the world couldn't I be a selfish, mean ... ugly person? Life would be easier ... one wouldn't have to feel any good feelings ... just keep on treating people badly without a conscience.

I've seen where my Life would be so much easier if I had gone against what I believe in ... just being a bad bitch all the way around ... yes, I said that! I know how to be ... but ... I have a good bitch in me too! The good is stronger than the bad ... Life is harder for me ... but, at least I know I haven't hurt anyone by taking from them deliberately, being ugly to them.

With saying that ... does that mean I am a perfect being? Oh no, I'm as imperfect as one can get ... I just keep trying so hard. I don't give up. BUT ... yes, there's a big BUT ... trying to be as good as possible ... hurts so bad. Why? I feel others' pain ... I see, listen to unspoken words ... I look to where no one else would look ... I sense constantly. I recognize, I know pain when I find it ... because I've experienced so much in my Life. Sometimes I feel like giving up, going to a dark room and just hide my ass from this whole world ... feeling real feelings hurts too much.

I don't run, hide from the world ... I take a lot of deep breaths knowing I'm not hiding from anything. If it's going to hurt ... let's get it on ... I'll meet it head-on ... one way or other something's going to give ... or die. I was brought up to be like that too ... that's a good quality for ... survival in this world.

Thank you to all the people who mistreated me as a little girl. NOW ... today ... I am so glad I was brought up in a bad environment with every type of person doing everything possible to hurt, take from others ... I didn't know I was being conditioned for what the world was to become. I thank you all for showing me what ... I didn't want to become. I would be one miserable, bitter woman today. I'm not bitter from what Life has thrown at me ... it made me more caring, loving.

Does that make me a weak person for someone to underestimate me thinking I am weak? HELL NO ... it would be a mistake. Just because I don't act mean, loud, ugly ... doesn't mean I'm weak. A soft smile, soft voice can win wars too. A sincere person can reflect to others the things they need to see when they are angry ... that can change a bad situation to a better one.

I will NOT debate this with anyone ... my Heart feels for the immigrants who kept in their minds to come to the USA where there is hope ... to survive all they went through to get here. I would have done it too to protect my children from gangs who maim, kill, rape their children, them. I would have pure begged to come into the great country of the USA. I watched yesterday as a young girl got her face sprayed with pepper spray ... my Heart cried as I watched her face ... saw it change as she realized what happened to her ... she cried her Heart out softly. Is this sad or what? This girl had no idea her happiness to get this far ... would be a pepper spray to her soft, innocent face. Damn the ones who did that to her. Shame on them.

Okay, I understand we have too many people here who are using up our resources ... if everyone worked together ... couldn't more resources be made up as they go?

For example ... everybody in the world has come to Raleigh to live making traffic so more than awful .... going to just buy groceries ... bad. When disasters happen ... they wipe out the stores ... when a special item is on sale at Walmarts or wherever ... they fight brutally to get their hands on whatever they think is so important to hurt another person for ... women act like this now ... no shame to their game. Gracious, the road rage ... the drive-by shootings ... the home invasions ... anything you can think of ... is HERE now.

Does everyone here try to kick their asses back to where they came from? No ... we don't do that ... everyone tries to go on living and helping others, welcoming more people every day to live here. We all know it causes so much congestion ... so many animals to be displaced building all these thousands and thousands of new homes ... now, so much of the drinking water is bad ... so many homes are in the lines of flash floods.

We all know that is done in the name of big money ... but, no one thinks about it, why? We just keep smiling ... going on to live our own lives ... hoping, wishing all will be alright .... oh! The people who have always felt 'safe' here ... are finally learning to lock doors on homes, cars and such.

They are finally learning to be cautious out in public, in parking lots .... coming home. They are beginning to learn ... 'this is the day IT REALLY CAN HAPPEN TO Me' ... look at so and so. I learned all this years ago being out west ... we always kept saying 'one day it'll all be on the east coast' ... sure enough, it's here.

Enough of my thoughts, opinions for today. I wanted to sit ... write out what exactly was trying to fuel anger, hate in me. It's our tv ... our news ... our ugly candidates and all that goes along with politicking ... making me feel so ... hopeless, angry, hate.

Now ... that I know exactly all the different fuels are there to fuel my flames ... I will make them lose the power to do so. I don't like to feel that way ... I used to be like that years ago as I learned I didn't want to be like that. I am going to keep taking millions of deep breaths ... while I watch ... listen, study ... because I will always watch the news. I just have to stop, get my feelings put back in place sometimes ... or let them consume me, make me into weak jelly ... send me to a dark room to not face Life. I'm not hiding from anything even if I quiver in my ... boots.

Written, owned (photo too) ... by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.