Life ... You Are A Big, Old, Mean Bitch!

 

LIFE ... You ARE A Big, Mean, Old Bitch!

I have been awake for some time. I woke up to Skip making sounds letting Me know he was in a dream he probably didn't want to be in.  Lately ... he has a lot of them.

(Skip has had 2 more surgeries last week ... now, he's fighting again. He can't sit or stand.)

I began talking softly to him ...  'Skip, it's alright, I'm here, everything is going to be alright'. He calmed down, mumbled something to Me. Sometimes, I have to talk to him gently when he sleeps hard. All the while I am checking, sensing if his body is comfortable, in pain, dry, clean.

He is trapped in a bed he doesn't want to be in.  He wants back the little freedom to move that he had. For now ... it's all gone. For now ... he and his body have been tossed into another nightmare. I can't think of any other word to call it ... a nightmare. 

In my mind as I care for him ... I walk in his shoes ... feeling, sensing what he is experiencing. I want to cry my Heart out but ... I stay silent letting my shirt catch my tears. Sometimes ... my tears fall on Skip as I lean over him to care for him.

A strong man, now ... a weak man whose body has been ravaged by many awful storms. He is like ME ... he also, is like a Redwood tree ... still standing ... no matter he is physically on his back in a bed. No matter Life's storms wreaked on him.

Someone close to Skip ...  told Me that Skip hangs on to be here for Me ... he knows I wouldn't have anyone if he were to go. Skip has told Me he doesn't want to die, leave Me alone in this world.

Life ... you can be so mean throwing so much grief, pain at ME to bear. Sometimes, it seems non-stop. You can get to ME enough to make ME totally give up.

Sometimes ... I get very angry, cuss you out with every ugly word I possibly know ... you and your crazy twists, turns ... are you laughing when you see Me cry, are you howling with glee when you make Me fall down? 

I AM not giving you the pleasure of asking 'why?' I have lived long enough to know Life can be this way. It has tripped Me, thrown Me to the ground ... so many times ... making ME fight like Hell to stand back up. Making ME cry like a baby ... making ME use ugly words I don't want to say.

I suffer in silence, no one need know. There comes a time when you, too ... do the same. There are times when it's pointless wasting the time to say what's wrong ... words in the wind ... blown away when spoken. No one needs to know. Why? Would they?

Life ... yes, I'm speaking to you. You hurt Me so ... you beat, bruise Me, my body, soul ... you throw Me to the ground expecting Me to lay, cry like a baby while feeling sorry for myself. You make ME fight to live, survive ...

You take my pride humbling ME to points in time I have to ask for help, something I've never wanted to do. You know I never want to bother people, take from them. I am a giver before taking.

You keep my fighting spirit honed to the sharpness of a knife. I WILL fight to the very end. I will fight for ME, my little, precious world. 

Life ... I've hated you with my very Heart ... I've felt pure, white, hot anger at you. I have wanted to beat you with my hands, make YOU scream in pain. The thing about you, Life ... is ... you can dish it out ... never worry about someone throwing it back at you. You are a big, old, mean bitch, Life ... yet ...

I love YOU with a passion. I love to live, breathe, feel ... see all the wonders of you. I love what Life is about ... giving, helping, caring for others.  Life is supposed to be like that.

Yet ... when you love, care, give with your very Heart ... be damned if Life doesn't lure you into a sense of false security  ... kick you again when least expected. I hate you, Life. Yes, you really are a bitch ... and ... yes, I DID say that. I will say it one more time ... you are a big, mean, old bitch, Life!

I love you, Life, more than hate ...  even ... when you break my body, my spirit. I love you, Life. That's my 'why?' I get back up every time you dropkick ME to the ground. I am coming back up ... I have the will to live ...  I have my fighting spirit to back ME up.

Even knowing how mean, wicked you can be ... I, also, know how wonderful, good Life can be. I love you, Life. I love you with a passion ...oh my, how I love YOU, Life.

But ... you can still be a big, old, mean bitch.

Let my little world rest from your pain, grief. It's time to give us a break ... let us take a deep breath now, feel how good Life can be once again. Just let us be ... let ME wipe my tears, have a break ... I am so tired. BUT ...not tired enough to give up! 

How can you, Life, be so mean to someone who loves you so?

Life can be this way ... never give up because ...

Everything has a way of being alright again ... you smile again when you think you won't. Life's wonderful ... the best, but .......

Life can still be a mean, big, old bitch.

Hello ... Mrs. Humpty Dumpty Here Once Again Trying To Put My World Back Together Again

 Just a Doodle by Gloria Faye Brown Bates for my husband, Skip ... 10-19-2026 💛💚💜🩷❤️

I have been sitting here thinking ... I was just doodling for Skip. 

I am missing him so much ... it feels like a big hole has been torn into our little world.

He isn't well, didn't get to come home today. When he was moved to sit in his chair, it confused him, making him think we had moved ... he wanted to move back home. 

I explained to him that being moved from his bed to chair caused him to think that. The medicine hasn't worn off yet. 

He remembers when I tell him ... that's a good sign. If he didn't remember, or became upset ... that wouldn't be a good sign at all.

He is experiencing confusion due to the drugs used in his procedure.

He, also ... has a small, brain bleed that is staying stable, has to be monitored.

Your prayers are most welcomed, I thank you from my Heart 🩷🩷🩷

It's too quiet ... Skip's presence is missed ... his very being is missed. It just really hurts.

Now ... I am Mrs. HUMPTY DUMPTY once again ... I am putting my world back together again. Put it back together ... I will 💛🩷💜💚❤️🙂🙃🙂

Note: I am missing Skip so very much. Mr. Kissy is sleeping next to Skip's pillow 🩷💜💚❤️💛

Just Throw Me In The Trash Can!

 Mr. KISSY Fairchild standing in front of ... the big-ass trash can!

I rolled the giant, green trash can through the gate, parked it for a few moments. I went back inside to grab several flattened boxes.

I was getting all ... flattened boxes, white trash bags inside big, green trash can on wheels ... ready to take to the public landfill. Not a big deal ...

I put the boxes in bed of pickup ...then ... the white bags of trash ... one by one ...  I placed them on top of the boxes.

I rolled the giant, green trash can back to the fence ... it was slightly down hill. Just before getting to the gate I reached for the big-ass lid to flip back to close it ...

When I did that I felt something strange ... I felt myself leaning forward... not in a scary way, just leaning forward as ...

The big-ass trash can on wheels began to roll forward ...

The next thing I knew ... I was halfway inside the trash can! On the ground! I picked myself up, began the trip back to the outside of the big-ass trash can!

All I can say is ...  it didn't hurt, it was as if in a slow-motion movie. No one saw ME ... I still felt embarrassed and had this feeling of wanting to laugh ... that was too darn ridiculous! 

Picture Me inside this big-ass trashcan! I end up in strange places sometimes,  this has got to be one of the strangest!

Just throw Me in the trashcan!

NOTE:  I am so glad only dry trash in bags go into that big-ass trash can! If otherwise  ... I couldn't ever tell this little story.

Skip Was Sick Tonight

It's midnight ... Skip Bates hasn't felt well all evening.

His back has been aching ... just a short while ago he became nauseated. 

I just bathed him, put a fresh shirt on him, combed his hair. This made him feel much better.

He is resting now. I won't be going to sleep no time soon. Skip hasn't been sick I such a long time.

I am wondering if he picked up a bug  when he went for his eye injections ... Remember ... I told you we were in tight quarters with too many people?

He has two more appointments coming up this week.

I worry so much about Skip being around people, getting sick.

I am thinking he will be wearing a mask for his upcoming appointments. I see a lot of people wearing them now.

I am sitting here very concerned. I just looked over at Skip ... his breathing is normal, he is resting good now.

You might wonder why I gave Skip a nice, warm bath. I try to sense all the things that can make him feel better.

He thanked Me. I told him he didn't have to thank ME ... I loved him very much, cared he isn't feeling well.

I pray he won't get sick again. I hope you will send a little prayer to go with mine. Thank you from my Heart 🩷🩷🩷

I Choose Hard Paths To Survive ... To Stay Out Of The Clutches Of Death, A Bed ... I Mean To Live

 

Nothing is easy in this Life ... I choose the hard paths in Life to travel if I want to live. If I hadn't,  I would have died many times in my Life.

I have weathered many storms, choosing to fight instead of letting a bed determine the rest of my Life ... imprison ME in its soft covers making ME bedridden, forget the world exist. 

I chose the hard path ... all the things thrown at ME to knock ME back down. Get up, I did ... sometimes,  after many months, sometimes... after years. 

I got up ... I'm still standing like a big redwood tree ... tattered, worn, full of scars of Life. Each scar a story in itself. 

Many storms beat ME down ... man, I fought with a vengeance  ... I was just thinking of my battle with cancer ... non-Hodgkins lymphoma  ... it took years that I wasn't supposed to even be living. I am so much a miracle!

So ... that's a good thing. Fight Like Hell, when knocked to the ground ... get your ass back up, don't ever give up.  Don't dwell on the past .. you can look as long as you keep going forward.

No matter how bad ... Life is good.

Happy colors in your day! ... which is supposed to have rain in it, possible tornadoes. 

See the sunshine in something ... in a child's smile, a loved one's voice ... something!

Who am I to tell you that? I am the words you read at this very moment ... I am ME. I pray your Life is good, all happy colors. 

Everything is going to be okay ... if it isn't at the moment ... it's time for your fighting spirit  ... fight like Hell until it is okay. One way or the other ... it has to be. 

Am I an expert on Life? No, I'm only ME. I only speak from my own Life experiences.  I always hope at least some of my words touch someone at that moment when they need it. I write what I have lived, my Life. I AM the expert on that 🙂🙃🙂😀😃😄💛💛💛💛💛🩷💚💜

Note: I began writing again after so long thinking I had no more words to write ... now ... I can't stop writing ... I love words ... they are my ship on the sea of Life ... telling my journeys through this Lifetime. 

Words are like the air I breathe  ... I write them just as I breathe to survive. I write online letting my words flow out into the universe ... making room for more thoughts, more words.

"Don't Let Yesterday Take Up Space" ... Choose 'The Fight Like Hell' Path ... Thats What Grieving Mothers Do ... Head-on

 

Photos of my son, Tommy ... and his son, Taban. Dates on the photos are wrong ... dates are when I took photos of these photos. I take photos of my photos ... something pulls at ME to do so ... especially when photos such as these two mean so much to ME.

These photos were taken on May 29, 2009 at a lake ... one year later on May 29, 2010 Tommy and Taban were at the ocean ... where Tommy collapsed, died on the beach where he last played with his son. He didn't know he had 3 blockages to his Heart.

Two bodies of water ... father and son ... one year to the day my son died. May 29, 2009 .... May 29, 2010. Strange?

I finally put both of these photos in one place, here ... I never could find them together in my photos ... this morning ... I did.

I used my camera phone to snap shots of them so ... finally I have them together where they belong. No big deal to anyone but, ME.

I read these words this morning ... 'don't let yesterday take up space'. You know ME and words ... they touched something in Me.

Now ... I am thinking about them ... understanding the 'why' these words stood out to ME.

I truly love words ... the most important words are the ones that make Me stop ... look at them a second time ... then more times until I'm satisfied at the message to Me in them.

You and I both could read these same words ... and both get a different message from them.

I know we see, hear, feel things in Life that become our Life-changers.

Things that decide which Life's path we go down ... wow, the journeys we embark on! 

See how just simple words cause a lot of thought? I was analyzing these words to 'know' what I feel I should know. 

Things happen for a reason ... words stand out for a reason. 

These words made ME feel, KNOW that what I have been doing for months is/are ... right for Me ... Us.

I have been getting rid of tons of clothes, dark-colored furniture... taking them to the convenience center, to clothing bins.

These are the 'millions of clothes that take up room' in our closets ... giving us less room for our clothes ... today. 

I know I kept all my clothes to 'one day wear' ... the different sizes' for when I lose weight' to wear them ... things I liked too much to get rid of. Things hard to part with.

After all these years ... a miracle happened! I just began taking piles of clothing, everything... putting them neatly into bags, boxes ... worked until I got them on the pickup ... took them away.

I took ... 'years of our Life'... away ... made room to live today ... without the weight of ... yesterday. 

How I did it all ... is a miracle in itself! I live each day doing normal things still recovering from a serious injury. 

I won't  ... can't tell anyone what that's like. I don't complain ... why?

Because ... 

When I come to major crossroads in my Life ... for some reason I never choose the easy path ... that's the 'Give Up Path'.

The path I always choose is the 'Fight Like Hell Path. I can't tell you how many times in my Life I have chosen this path of pure Hell.

I have fought like Hell with the intent of winning so, I could go on living ... I pure love Life.

I have been knocked down on the ground ... too weak to get back up from illnesses ... physical/mental things so, so many times in this Life.

My mind screamed to just give the f___up! Just give the f___ up! Forget it! I can't take anymore! My body, mind hurts so bad! To Hell with it all! I don't give a damn anymore!

What happens? I see my Grandma Alma and George in my mind ... a paralyzed woman, a blind man. Oh my God, their Life WAS pure Hell everyday! 

They were the two strongest people I've ever known. Their own bodies were obstacles in their path along with all the Hell they lived in each day.

How in the world ... why?! Did they do it? They were fighters ... they 'meant like Hell' to live. 

They knew little children depended on them or be sent away ... some were sent away, anyway ... that's their story, not mine.

Every morning it was a pure struggle for my Grandma Alma to sit up in  bed .... that began her Hellish each day ...

It was a pure struggle for George to get up each morning ... Grandma Alma depended on him. Without him, no one was there. Without her ...

Oh my, at this very moment I have this sick, shaky sensation in the pit of my stomach thinking about their Life I witnessed as a little girl ... I know what I lived in as a child ... I saw, felt, learned watching them.

I can only imagine what it was like being adults in two bodies that betrayed them, making each day lived there a 'f______' miracle. 

I have to stop writng about that now ... I see that no matter what I have been through ... I am so fortunate. 

I could have given up instead of fighting to get out of a bed that wanted to keep Me there when I was dying ... keep ME there through each medical crisis I survived.

I could have chosen to be bedridden the rest of my Life, not ever fight a battle again.

Instead ... each time this powerful strength rose up in Me ... strength that I know comes from my Grandma Alma ... it was passed on to ME when I was born.

Without realizing it because I was so young ... that strength began to grow as I grew. That strength ... oh my ... has made ME keep living, fighting ... meaning to go on.

I meet things head-on ... I can't fight what I can't see. I mean to win ... I mean to live ... even if it means not going down the Easy Path of Life.

Becoming aware of this moment ... after being lost in a good way in My Writing World ...

I hear Skip snoring gently ... Mr. Kissy Fairchild just changed positions on the bed ... I feel the soft breeze from the fan ... I'm sensing all is okay in my little world. 

I am sitting here on my tablet, looking at the way my words look typed out. 

For some reason ... for now, I'm not taking time to find out ... I'm not sure how this will look when published. 

I am writing on my old blog again at Happycolorsandgrannygee.blogspot.com  ... I have to remember different things ...

I won't let this stress Me, I don't have time for it. I don't have to be perfect ... those days are long gone. 

No, I won't complain ... I know things could be so much worse. I am so grateful they aren't.  I'm most thankful, my Heart full to the top with gratitude. 

Soon. .. November 20th will be here. Tommy's birthday. I won't get the chance to tease him about 'being an old son'. 

I know we would have laughed so much as we bantered back and forward with words. Tommy had my love for words ... reading, learning, for Life, too.

Tommy was born November 20th, 1969. He died May 29, 2010. He would be 57 years old! Wow, I could have really teased him. 

I miss my son. That's natural. That's what grieving mothers do.

It's the painful part of Life we don't like to think about. I  have faced this grief head-on,  also. 

Nothing is easy in this Life ... I choose the hard paths in Life to travel if I want to live. If I hadn't,  I would have died many times in my Life.

So ... that's a good thing. Fight Like Hell, when knocked to the ground ... get your ass back up, don't ever give up. 

No matter how bad ... Life is good.

Happy colors in your day! ... which is supposed to have rain in it, possible tornadoes. 

See the sunshine in something ... in a child's smile, a loved one's voice ... something!

Who am I to tell you that? I am the words you read at this very moment ... I am ME. I pray your Life is good, all happy colors. 

Just Rambling On ... Just To Be Writing ... Photos I Found On My Computer

 Note: I just previewed this ... I spaced between paragraphs, yet, there aren't spaces between them on the preview. You might not see paragraphs, either, when I publish this. Just know I'm aware of it!

It has to do with being on the desktop. It will take time, I'll get it right ... so just know. I've forgotten so much all these years, but, it's all coming back fast. There definitely is a difference between using a tablet and a desktop.

I'm so glad to have been there, done that ... so, I'm aware of what to look for, to fix the things I need to.

I am setting up my computer, I came across these photos. It's strange how being back on a desktop is so different from a tablet.

I'm glad I know how to use both. I can sit in front of the window now, type ... look out the window at the weather this fall, winter. I can throw a cozy blanket across my lap when the weather is cold.

I feel excitement ... it has been so long since I've felt real excitement. I had forgotten how much my desktop computer meant to ME.

I remember how I loved to disappear in my own little world of writing ... it was like going into a soundproof room ... not hearing, seeing anything ... my focus solely on writing my thoughts.

I have been remembering lately just how much that meant to ME. I want to write again. Thinking about it ... feels cozy like bundling up in a warm blanket. Sound strange? I describe it just like I feel it

I thought I would have to buy a new desk chair ... a stool for my feet to rest comfortably. Do you know what? It's strange, I already had those things and just didn't ever think about it. I had a very nice, new ... desk chair in my art room that is also,a pantry, too.

I had forgotten it all these years ... things have been folded neatly, placed on the seat ... hiding it. I was thinking the desk chair I have in the living room is very pretty, a color of green I love ...but ... it didn't raise up as high as I would like it to.

The chair in the art room is higher, can be raised to bar stool height. Perfect for standing, doing artwork. I have a table for that if, when I need it. It's been a long time ... I miss everything I somehow, forgot ... stopped doing. Life ...

Oh, there was also, a white stool sitting in there, too! Matches my white desk, computer!

Some time ago, I began getting rid of pieces of dark, old furniture ... I opted for white things, instead. I don't like the darkness, nor dark colors, so ... over time ... I did something about it.

This will be the first winter we can enjoy all being not so dark anymore because of dark pieces of furniture. That's one of the best things I ever did ... mood-wise, it has made such a difference.

Like now ... it's raining, cool. Looking around, it's cheerful inside ... I have the good feeling inside that even if the sunshine isn't out ... looking around helps so much.

I worked hard to make all cheerful, colorful ... I mean it was neat, all that good stuff but ... in my mind it wasn't what I wanted anymore. I think for years since Tommy died ... I closed my eyes to so much.

You do get in another world, grief does affect one, it truly never goes away.

Unless you have someone very close to you, die ... such as your immediate family ... no matter what I say ... you won't ever understand until ... you walk in those shoes, experience it.

I pray you never have to see what it feels like. Let Me tell you through my writing about grief ... I don't want you to experience it. I can give you insight to understand, feel for those you are close to that's on the Grieving Road I travel.

You can come here, read ME ... you can reach out to ME anytime ... but, I'll never bother you. My words can be read, not read ... they'll be in the universe for someone to hopefully gather hope from them, know somehow ... it will be alright.

No, it won't be the same but ... the day does come one can function once again ... live Life again.

The day comes the tears don't flow to the outside as often ... they flow back inside to your very soul. You learn to channel grief differently ... gradually reaching the point you accept what you can't change.

It becomes easy to fool people if you are around them ... all you have to do is smile brightly, make like all is just fine. People need to believe that ... they don't want to see the grieving side of anyone.

As a grieving mother, I know that ... thankfully, I'm not the type of person who cries, grieves in front of people. I don't visit so, that's another plus.

My grief never bothers another person ... if you feel my pain when you read what I write ... just know ... everything is alright. When one writes from their very Heart ... someone can't help but, to feel their words.

I think I'll reposition my desk tomorrow ... this bright idea just came to my mind ... it just might work! I am excited ... I will be able to enjoy looking outside, talk, while looking at Skip, see tv. I want my cake and ... eat it, too!

I hope this gloomy day really wasn't a gloomy day for you. I have a mood therapy lamp I need to set up. Sometimes, it takes time for ME to decide to do things I wonder if it's ME being lazy, I hope not.

I have never been lazy, never. Moods affect all I do ... so, does the weather, gloomy weather isn't the best for ME. I make it alright, though!

For now, I am just writing to be writing. I am seeing what I still need to remember ... learn about my old blog ... desktop. You could say I am just .... rambling on

Happy colors, good things in the upcoming weekend to you!