When I Hate You Means... You Hurt Me

 

Gloria 'Faye' Brown Bates

When I Hate You Means... You Hurt Me
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee



"No, no, no! Please don't, please don't hurt me! Oh, my leg!" The little girl was fighting to get away from the young woman who held her hand. Held her hand to keep her captive... while she beat her. Each time she struck the child, she drew blood. The piece of stove wood was rough; it cut the girl's legs each time it made contact.

The little girl had come into the bedroom that sat directly over Hell... this is where the portal was. Where the portal/doorway was... was never discovered by the little girl. What she did know was... the devil's daughter lived in that bedroom. She was mean; evil. Sometimes... she was just as nice. Sometimes... she loved her.

All she wanted to do was to come into the bedroom, listen to the young woman's record player. She was caught, couldn't escape fast enough. The young woman was her aunt. She was a teenager... ill-natured. She was mean to the bone; she could be as good as gold.

The aunt beat the little girl until her rage subsided. She let go of her, throwing her to the floor. "You damn little b___", stay out of my room! Don't you ever touch my record player again"!

The little girl sobbed, tried to stand up. Her little girl body had taken one of the most severe beatings it'd ever known. She had known beatings... The pain, oh the pain. She stood up, looked at the aunt she loved. Her little face was red, blotchy from the furious tears that rolled down her face. "I'm going to tell my mama! I'm going tell my mama; she will beat you up"!

The aunt began telling her she wasn't going to tell anyone... if she did, she'd whip her ass again! The little girl told her aunt as she began edging toward the door, "I hate you, I hate you"! As she slipped through the door toward freedom, she screamed at her aunt, once more. "I'm telling my mama when she comes back"!

She walked to the red, vinyl couch in Grandma Alma, George's home. She climbed up on it. Her legs burned, stuck to the vinyl. She began to notice her legs, her arms. She had open cuts on her little girl skin... blood was sticking to the couch. It made it hard for her to slip around to ease her hurting body.

She sat there quietly for several moments; in her little girl mind were thoughts of her aunt smiling at her, being nice to her. She began crying her heart out... her aunt had hurt her, making her bleed. She thought her aunt loved her. Her aunt forgot she said she loved her. As she cried silently, her little shoulders shook.

No one noticed the little girl sitting there on that red, vinyl couch. Someone was always crying there... that's just the way it is when you live in Hell. Gnashing teeth, screaming, cussing, anger, hatred. It was the way of life. Someone got their ass beat every two, or three days. Only this time, it wasn't in the Arena where Grandma Alma, George sat.

Her aunt had beat her in private where no one could see the demon she was. She didn't think about the little girl growing up to remember her for what she did. Children are nobody; who believes them... anyway. Only... her niece had frightened her when she said she would tell her mama on her.

Her niece's mother was this aunt's sister... and she knew if she didn't talk the little girl out of telling her... she was going to get the hell beat out of her. The little girl's mother was always going off for weeks, months... leaving the little girl there. No one wanted to take care of her... she damn sure didn't. She wanted to have fun, not have to be bothered by a child. She was still in high school.

Faye, the little girl, fell asleep on the old, red vinyl couch. When she got spankings, slapped around... she always found a place to curl up, put her thumb in her mouth... went to sleep.

Crying made her sleepy. As she fell asleep, her thoughts were of seeing anger on someone's face toward her; cuss words coming from their mouths at her. Nobody loved her. She began crying again, silently... her little body shook. She began rocking herself to sleep. Faye began pinching the center of her chest. Since being in hell, she had begun doing that.

She was too young to wonder 'why?' As an adult, she often thought about it... strange enough, when she was diagnosed with cancer... that was the area a mass was found on her lung, resting against her heart. Of course, that had nothing to do with it... but, it was strange...

She awoke to the gentle touch of her aunt's hand. "Faye, wake up... I'm sorry", she heard her aunt say. Faye began sniffling once again, burst out crying. Her aunt gathered her up in her arms. "I'm so sorry, Faye. Please don't tell your mama. I have something for you".

In her aunt's hand was a watch; a Timex watch. Faye looked at it, back to her aunt's face. She had hurt her... in her mind she saw her aunt go to the wood box, grab a slender piece of wood. Faye looked down to her little legs... they stung. There was dry blood on them. Her body hurt.

"I'm going to tell my mama on you! You hurt me, she's going to beat you up! I hate you!" She didn't take the watch her aunt offered her.

One day, Faye heard someone say, "Faye's mama is here"! In her mind, she felt instant happiness! Her mama was here to get her!

She ran to the old screen door, pushed it open. "Mama!" She ran into her mama's open arms, began telling her what her aunt had done. She never knew the effect it had on her mama... she just knew things began to happen fast. Her mama had let go of her, walked quickly up on the porch, went inside Hell...

She heard cussing, flesh on flesh as someone was being slapped. Faye's stomach felt sick; she felt afraid. She went up on the porch, peeped through the screen. There in front of the red, vinyl couch was her aunt. She'd been knocked to the floor!

Faye opened the door, went inside. Her mama, aunt were never aware of her... they were screaming at each other. Not only that... Faye saw some teeth laying on the floor... the wooden floor. Blood... Her aunt's mouth had blood on it.

Faye felt anger toward her aunt; she hated her for hurting her. She walked over to her aunt, and hit her with her little hand. "I told you I was going to tell my mama! I told you, she was going to beat you up!"

From that day on... her aunt held that against her. She paid her back through the years every opportunity she saw. Through time she worked to turn her mother against her; make passes at her husband when she married as a young woman. Faye's aunt hated her. At one time, she tried to turn Faye's own son against her... it didn't work.

Faye never hated her through time. As she got older, what she thought was hatred... when she thought she hated someone... she discovered what she meant when she said, "I hate you!" She meant... I loved, trusted you, you hurt me.


　

That's Just Special!

That's Just Special!

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I wonder 'why?'.......... when I was growing up... I didn't have a nickname like 'other people'?  All the other kids had nicknames... fun nicknames.  Nick names that 'said something important about them'.  I think maybe because I was the most 'unimportant' person in the world, then.  :)))

Just recently I've gotten ... 2 ... fun, good nicknames from one of my friends on Wordpress!  I loved them!  The two nicknames are:      GG/G ..... and Triple G..... Thank-you, Colleen at The Chatter Blog (http://bikecolleenbrown.wordpress.com/ ...... you made me smile seeing your nickname for me .... not one, but... two!

It just means the world to me!  I love it!  You had no idea that you would touch my heart when you did that... nor know 'how I always felt about wishing for a nickname, too).  Colleen, that's .... just special!

Later on, I will have to write about those three words when 'I' say them.  It always created a little thing when I would say that ... because I 'put my heart in it..... when saying those words'.  When I said them... I 'meant it with my very heart'... it just meant so much to me.

It had to do with Tommy, and his family and Skip.  They would begin smiling when I'd say ....'that's just special!'  I didn't realize that it had become a 'trademark' for me.  I only caught on when I accidently noticed after saying those words.... that everyone began smiling!  and looking at each other!

For several moments... I look back to 'then'.... I see Tommy's eyes smiling a soft, affectionate smile looking at me, his mother.  I feel a tear slipping down my right cheek... I keep swallowing to get myself under control.... my thoughts were .... 'back in the good days'.  I just closed my eyes tightly, rubbed them hard... I think I felt frustration as well as deep, deep grief.  I do miss my son.....

Not long ago, I was called ... GG.  It just made me happy to see a nickname... someone gave me!  I never grew up with a nickname like other people.  I never knew 'why?'

Years ago, I worked at the hospital... I would do art work for different people, and do the monthly birthday poster for the personnel manager.

When I say 'do the monthly birthday poster'... it wasn't 'just a poster'... when I did it... it became 'very special'.  I put so much love, myself into each of them.  They stood out to people, they recognized that I wanted, loved to do each poster.

I would work for hours upon hours drawing, creating... hours upon hours cutting, glueing small pieces to create one big piece of artwork.... to make a birthday poster.  It made me very happy because so many people would actually... look forward ... 'to something that I did.... 'me'.  I can't tell you how much that meant to me.

Well... I did get a nickname from one lady who worked in housekeeping.  Her name was Shirley.  She would come into the office and see me drawing.  She would ask me what was I doing when she would see the black and white drawings I did.... I would tell her I was 'doodling'.  She said 'if that's doodling, it's no telling what you can do when drawing!'

She began to call me 'Doodles'.  I never told Shirley just how much that meant to me....  she had given me a ... nickname!!!  I would secretly smile everytime she called me ... Doodles!  I know you all think this is silly... but, that meant the world to me... I had a nickname!

Do you know that alot of people have my 'doodles' in picture frames?  People always wanted them when I finished them.  I would do a 'doodle' on a sheet of card stock with a black Sharpie pen.... I would 'doodle' until that whole sheet was completed... and it was so neat, so interesting (even to me.... I was always trying to 'read' myself!  :)))

Maybe that was why people wanted my 'doodles' so, they could have insight into me, ha!  I was always so private... though I loved people, being around them.   I loved laughing, smiling, talking... don't you agree that when doing that... it's like 'when the sunshine comes out on a cloudy day?'

I just 'felt the sunshine'... when I typed those words!  It's 4:16 am in the morning!

Oh... when I was driving a tractor-trailer ... team driving with Skip (those were the days!  :)))... I did have a .... CB handle/nickname!  I just remembered that!  It was .... 'Baby Shoes'!

I can't remember who began calling me Baby Shoes.  They were always saying my shoes were little... I had little feet.  What they didn't realize was... that I have 'big-little feet'!!!  :)))

Well... you can't see the 'big'..... in my feet... but, I know it's there!  I know that I actually have a 'wide' foot.... that's why I said that.  I think it comes from going barefoot often through the years at home.  Then again... Tommy had feet like mine.... but, his foot was a size 12!  Skip has a narrow foot ... and he wears size 12.

When I thought of the 'driving a big truck days'... do you know the first image that pops into my mind?  Hot air balloons with hundreds of happy colors!  and California!  That was a wonderful memory.... driving on the interstate along side of hundreds of hot air balloons... seeing so many colors at once!

You all know how I love happy colors!  I smiled so much as I drove that big truck.... looking out to my left.  Those hot air balloons were over a deep valley 'so far down'!

I just closed my eyes to 'see for a moment'....I 'see' a woman waving wildly at me ... I 'see me' ... waving wildly back... we both had big smiles on our faces.  I wonder if it was because 'she and I were women, and we were doing something alot of women didn't normally ...do?'

Happy colors and sunshine!  Smiles, happy faces!  All those wonderful colors, all those hot air balloons... I can feel the warmth in my mind at this very moment!  It's just like seeing those two nicknames that Colleen gave .. me!  That's just special!!!  :)))

MESSAGES TO MY GRANDCHILDREN TO READ ONE DAY....

MESSAGES TO MY GRANDCHILDREN TO READ ONE DAY.....

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/ aka GRANNY GEE

TO MY GRANDSON, TABAN, TO READ SOMEDAY.... Your daddy loved you with his heart, he wouldn't have left you by choice. You can be sure all your life you were loved by him. You will see in the photos at the pride and love on his face when you were born. He would laugh when he'd call me up from the road... he would say 'Mama, do you want to know what grandson has done (or said)?' I would smile knowing he was going to tell me something funny. You have such a outgoing, happy personality. I loved watching you, playing with you when Tommy was here... when he left, it all changed. Life happens like this... but, one day I hope to hear your voice calling to me again... 'Granny Gee, Granny Gee'! Your daddy picked that name for me, for you to call his mother... it is a special name... I honor that name as I write. How precious you are, my grandson. I love you with my heart. Love, Granny Gee :)))

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TO MY GRANDDAUGHTER, MCKENZIE TO READ SOMEDAY... Your daddy loved you with his heart, he fought for the right to see you, spending lots of money. No matter which way he turned, obstacles were placed in his path. You can also, see in the photos how your daddy smiled down at you with pride and such love when you were born. Every week he sent money to support you ($100.00 faithfully) when no one told him to ... all those years. He kept health/medical insurance on you all those years, too. Yes, McKenzie, your daddy loved you very much. I love you very much, too. I'll never forget the day we walked on the road ... I loved talking to you, hearing your voice. We had been painting in my art room... you painted a picture for me. I had hoped so much to have a wonderful granddaughter/grandmother relationship with you. I'm so sorry it never happened. Life happens that way... I know how I grew up. It can be so sad.. yet, so wonderful, beautiful. I love you, McKenzie. Love, Granny Gee :)))

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TO BOTH OF MY GRANDCHILDREN: I love you both more than you'll ever know. I won't interfere in your lives now, to cause extra grief, anger or hate. I don't live like that, I live a very quiet life. That doesn't mean I don't love you... when you grow up you will see that your grandmother respected and cared enough not to cause turmoil in your lives. I will love you from afar... I've grown up loving like that... now 'I see why'. It was to get me used to losing everyone who meant the world to me in my life. It still hurts .... You both look so much like your handsome daddy, you both have that wonderful, sunshine smile of his... you both have that wonderful sense of humour he had... your personalities are as endearing as his. I love you both with my grandmother heart. You will know one day when you read your grandmother's colors of her life. You both are somebody to me... you are part of my son... part of me. Love, Granny Gee :)))