I wonder ... have I ever been the one to destroy someone's dream of being something in life ... has anything I said to make fun of someone ruined their life? Have I crushed someone to the ground with my words?
This is a morning of wondering ... reflecting it seems as I sit here in my very little, shrinking pool of sunshine 🌞 ☀️ As I wrote those words the sunshine slowly disappeared behind clouds 🙂🙃🙂
Yes, you guessed it ... I am sitting in my favorite place to write ✍ each morning. Right here on the bed beside Skip, Camie as they sleep. I can hear, see all is alright with them ... that means my world is alright.
I read a poem online about not ever being the reason for someone to lose their dream, not ever being the reason they lose hope. You know what I mean.
Sadly ... looking back there were many someones (strange enough, I remember them to this day though I've forgiven all) ... who affected my young life, my dreams like this. I was on the end where my life was set up to fail ... at the mercy of Predators, adults and children alike took their anger, unhappiness out on ME.
Parents of children who separate, divorce ... throw their children here, there ... put those children in a very dangerous position never knowing what that child suffers ... goes through. All to be free, single ... to have fun again. The ones who suffer are the babies, children left behind.
I know this personally ... I know the dark side a little innocent, precious little girl had to walk. There wasn't anyone to hold this little girl's hand when she was afraid.
No one ever noticed ... although I was in their world ... my world was quite different ... my world was a scary place. No one ever saw ... noticed. Was it because no matter what ... I was quick to smile no matter what had just happened to ME?
Didn't anyone ever ever become suspicious all wasn't alright with this little girl? Did they not ever suspect their boyfriends, uncles, brother-in-laws, father-in-laws, relatives, male friends weren't all they appeared to be? Some were pillars of the community ... who liked little girls ... they loved to play with little girls.
I grew up in the most suspicious-minded people you ever wanted to meet. Only with ME ... they wore blinders. Strange ... and I really don't think they wanted anyone to molest, abuse me ... for some reason they just couldn't see it ... and it all happened in front of them.
When I say them ... there always was a constant flow of relatives coming, going where I lived at my Grandma Alma's and George's home. This home was a portal to Hell ... no one would believe and I won't try to convince anyone. I know what went on with the children there ... I wasn't the only one who suffered. We were trapped until one day ...
I was maybe 13 years old ... something happened inside ME ... I couldn't take anymore abuse ... physical, mentally. I must have heard someone talk about suicide ... I never remembered how I knew about it ... but ... I somehow knew no one could make me ever suffer again if I did it.
I can't remember a lot looking back at that pitiful, little girl weeping her Heart out as she held a bottle of her Grandma Alma's medicine in her hands. I see her open the bottle not knowing, understanding how suicide worked ... but, knowing somehow she could be taken away from the Hell she lived in. I ask myself at this very moment ... how DID she know to do such a thing?
I can remember being told why don't I kill myself that the world would be a better place without ME in it ... but, that was a common thing mean kids say to each other. I mean I never knew someone to do it ... nor how a child really killed themselves.
How DID I know to really try to kill myself ... how DID I know to sneak a bottle of God knows what ... to sit there in my own darkness and .. begin swallowing pill after pill ... after pill?
I can look back now ... darkness ... sunlight ... tears glistening on my eyelids as I weeped tears from my very Heart ... I was in my world all alone ... I knew no one cared ... I knew I couldn't smile anymore.
My mama was leaving me again ... my mama whom I worshipped, loved with my Heart. My Heart was crying, 'mama don't leave ME!'
As a little girl ... my mom would leave me for weeks, months ... I would become hysterical, crying uncontrollably at the mention of her name ... I can remember hearing someone always saying not to mention my mother's name around me. No one will ever know how this little girl loved her mama.
I remember vaguely I was feeling strange as I sat there ... I can remember hearing voices ... being at the hospital ... crying, sobbing, weeping. I can't remember a lot after that excepting ...
My father came into my life ... my Hell on this earth was exchanged for another Hell on earth but, a nicer Hell where all was ... PERFECT.
Perfect Hell ... oh my, I was back in what I always knew as a even younger little girl. Everything was spotless ... a beautiful, real home again ... I could touch something and it wouldn't be dirty, sticky, nasty.
My clothes became beautiful again ... washed, starched, ironed. My shoes no longer cut into my little feet ... the little nails inside my shoes no longer made holes in my heels making them bleed. I learned to do my hair ... I thought I had ... died (almost) and went to ... Heaven.
I made A's in school .. I learned to study to make them ... before I didn't study but, somehow I passed tests, grades. I was a bright child ... sadly ... no one noticed ... no one cared.
Heaven began becoming an invisible Hell I didn't... couldn't in any way see coming. It took so long for ME to realize ... stepmothers no matter how nice they appear to be ... aren't... so nice.
Not only that ... a stepmother is set up in the family where she can be 'if' she wants ... be the puppeteer who controls everyone who then become her puppets.
This is when I over time learned how a person can hide evil disguising it with such sugary sweetness, smiles ... soft, sweet voice ... delightful, charming ... happy laughter all the while plotting in glee what will happen next.
Sadly, I loved my stepmother, trusted her ... I wasn't mature enough to fully understand why when father would show ME love ... all of a sudden it would be gone again ... over and over. My stepmother knew how to manipulate ... not only that ... I had 2 sisters ... she was their mother. Sometimes ... we are like our parents.
I won't go any farther ... that's enough to write for now to give an idea of how going from a physically, abusive Hell into another Hell that was quieter, appearing to be Heaven to ME.
So many things I couldn't see coming, nor understand ... why? I had no idea there were 3 people who determined my everyday life until after such a long time ... my eyes, ears began to open.
I was so thankful to be there ... never realizing that my stepmother's anger, jealousy of my beautiful mother dictated how I ... my beautiful mother's child would be treated. She and her children ... I have to say that all through these years ... no matter what ... I have always loved them ... not trust ... but loved them with my Heart.
For now, I will stop. Skip and Camie are awake. Soon, we will begin this beautiful day ... the sun is shining ... no rain! Happy colors to us, to you 💚💜💙💛❤💚💜💙💛🧡❤
NOTE:
I write about my life ... you won't see anger, bitterness from this author. I forgave many, many years ago so, I could be a better person because I learned that holding bad feelings toward others only ... hurts you. You suffer, they don't.
Let go of hard feelings ... of course, we don't forget ... see, how much lighter you feel.
This is why I can grow older ... more gracefully. Think of ME as a ... bittersweet person.
I love the word ... bittersweet ... it's beautiful without being ugly ... it's just the right mixture of being bitter and sweet at the same time ... each canceling the other out so not any one can be negative.
No comments:
Post a Comment