By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter
Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
How can one distinguish the difference between pain, grief for a mother, father, sister, brother ... child, husband, wife? Can it be measured?
I've had a lot of people tell me they have lost a loved one, but ... they knew their grief wasn't as bad as mine. They knew they grieved deeply ... because of loving someone very much. But ... it couldn't be as bad as ... losing a child.
I've thought about this often. Can pain, grief be measured? How? I know my pain, grief over losing my son who was my only child ... has been the worst pain I've ever suffered in my entire life. Truthfully ... it almost cost me my life, also.
How can I say your pain, grief isn't as great as mine? I can only say I know how it feels to feel the worst pain in the world that I've ever experienced ... in my entire life.
I can't tell you that my pain is greater than you. You feel it ... you hurt, grieve. Your heart is devastated. You only know your pain is great. You are in a sea of pain trying not to drown.
I feel your pain is just as great. I've known grief and pain my whole life ... each time I went through grieving ... I never thought consciously about how much greater my pain was than someone else's.
I never thought about if my pain, grief was greater than anyone's. I could only see, feel my pain ... I couldn't go past it until ... I learned to cope, accept it. Death of a loved one ... takes years to accept, years to deal with knowing there's nothing you can do to bring them back. Years of learning to live life without that special someone.
Grief, pain has been all my life ... I've never known very long periods of time without either. It's a part of me that I wish I didn't know so well. Since it is a very real part of me ... I've learned over time to somehow ... be positive. Easier said than done ...
How can one be positive when one's mind is like a room with the light turned out. All they know is pure darkness, being trapped inside with thoughts ... the most terrible pain in their heart.
Every thought becomes torture like having hot water poured on one ... you can't stop twisting, turning for the pure, raw pain. This goes on ... 'forever'.
Some people can never come out of it ... you see them. They are the people whom you never see smile again. The sunshine is gone from their lives ... some never want it back because of pure anger at the world, God ... for taking their loved one.
We all have options ... no matter what someone says ... we all make the choice of ... getting better ... accept what has happened ... go on to live the rest of our lives the best we can. I can't believe I've made it past the worst ... have gotten off the terrible part of the road of my journey ... of learning to live without my son.
Some people can't find their way back to living without their loved one. Some people go on to die ... they can't accept they will never see that person again.
I really know how that feels. My God! My child has died ... Oh my God! I won't ever see him again! I can't, I can't live with this knowledge!
These kind of thoughts were in my mind ... panic, fear ... oh no! I won't ever see my son again! I didn't know he left on vacation to leave on another journey ... die! NO!
Birds panicking ... trapped in a cage ... beating their wings against the bars. Let me out, let me out! Wings beating until they fall to the floor in exhaustion ... darkness surrounds them. It begins over and over, and over again ... never-ending. It still happens to me when I least expect it.
This doesn't describe grief, pain as it really is. If you felt like you didn't have any breath as you read this ... you get a sense of not being able to breathe because of being trapped ... grief is when one is trapped in a ... world of pain ... and can't get out.
You can't get away from yourself ... you are a room with no light. Any conscious thought is pure torture ... you try to hide from yourself. Time stands still ... you don't know what goes on around you.
You take medicine you truly aren't aware of what it can do to you, how potent it is ... some people overdose easily from it. Some people ... almost die ... never knowing they, themselves are standing on the doorstep of Death.
I slept the sleep of death ... only Skip and our Pups kept me alive ... Skip saved my life. I wouldn't have known to. I only knew the pills the doctor gave me ... made me somehow be able to think the world was okay when it wasn't. I was trying to kill the pain that was ... killing me. I wasn't strong enough for this battle.
I didn't have any idea I was taking too many at ... one time. I still don't know the name of those pills to this day ... I don't recall ever finding the bottle when I began to get better.
I still go through periods of grief. Lately I have felt it once again ... September is the month my mom, and my Grandma Alma died in. Neither one died in a 'good' way ...
So many people I truly loved have died ... family members I truly loved most as a child, growing into adulthood. These people were 'the very ones' who were important in my life. Death after death, death after death until they were all gone ... on both sides of my family.
No, I don't think we can measure pain, grief. I can only describe grief as being trapped in a world of pain ... and not being able to get out.
Note by this author:
Photo/ true feelings on grief, pain are owned, written by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.
Tomorrow I could think about grief, pain ... and write it in all new words. It would still be the same ... grief is being trapped in a world of pain ... and not being able to get out.