That's The Beauty Of Becoming ... Older

That's The Beauty Of Becoming ... Older

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Do you have to constantly get something from another ... for you to give your friendship to?

Do they have to 'buy' you?  I remember being younger, and the 'friends' I had ... weren't real friends.  I had to keep giving ... this was before I learned I 'could say no'.  

One memory comes to mind, was when someone I really liked, came to visit me.  I was probably eighteen... she was a little older.  She came into my living room all smiles, confidence.

She looked me sitting on the couch in my pretty nightgown, my book close by.  She said, "I want your nightgown!"  She saw my book, said she'd like to have it, too!

I gave her both... I didn't want to.  I didn't know how to get out of it... gracefully.  I would have been very embarrassed to have explained 'why' I wanted to keep my nightgown, my book.

It took years to learn to 'say no'.  I look back to 'before'... when I should have.  It would have saved me so much grief.

You know how being young... you think you have to do everything someone else tells you ... or someone's going to get mad at you.  Back then... I couldn't bear for anyone not to like me, much less be mad at me. 

 

Today ... I am myself; I can tell you 'no'!  If you don't like it... or turn against me ... you just have to.  I can go my way... 'let go' of you.  I would never if possible say 'yes' to something I don't want to do, or agree to do.  I would wish you all the best.

That's the beauty of becoming a little older...  

Photo Credit/ Story are owned by me (of me), #Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka #grannygee

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Your Face Is Gone, Mama!

Your Face Is Gone, Mama!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Photo is owned by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.  Photo is of myself, and Tommy as a young boy of eleven.

I saw horror in the eyes of my little son, Tommy.  He had come to the door of the bathroom.  I couldn't understand at first the expression on his face!

I remembered!  I had put a beauty mask on my face.  It was time to peel it off.  The devil took over at that point ... because I knew I was going to play a trick on Tommy!  I was laughing inside ... yes, I know it was so mean!

I looked in the mirror, gasped.  I turned back around to Tommy, and began peeling the mask off.  "Oh, no!  My face is coming off ... my face is coming off"!

Tommy began crying, pointing.   "Mama, your face is coming off"!  I peeled the mask off ... it had holes in it where the eyes, mouth was.  I held it for Tommy to see ....

He looked at my face ... saw it wasn't gone!  He quit crying.  I don't think playing that trick ever caused any damage!  Yes ... it was a mean trick!  I was young, myself ... and very mischievious!

What Did You Say, Little Boy?

What Did You Say, Little Boy?
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

　










Tommy had been playing, ran in to visit his great-Grandma Alma.  Photo is owned by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee


I was sitting in the car, both windows were completely down. My son who was sitting there with me. We had been waiting for someone who was in a store. My son was getting impatient ... he wanted to run, play.

Tommy was just a little boy of four. Full of energy ... at the age that one never knows what is going to come out of a child's mouth.

A tall, blonde woman walked by. She did have the 'biggest' boobs I'd ever seen on a woman. One couldn't help but, notice. Who would think a little boy would ... notice?

If I could have known .... Tommy turned his head toward the open window as she walked by. "Oh, what big tiddies you have"!

I couldn't believe my little boy said such! He'd never done that before. The sad thing was ... I was a young girl ... and my reaction was to begin laughing, hysterically! I couldn't help it ... I began sliding under the steering wheel, trying to hide in the floor!

What made it worse was ... that big, blonde woman turned around ... come back, stuck her head down to the open window, and said ... "what did you say, little boy"?

I apologized to her, all the while laughing like something crazy. I couldn't stop laughing to save my life! She could tell by my eyes I was so sorry ... though ... my mouth couldn't quit laughing.

Thankfully ... that blonde woman ... found humor in the whole situation, too!

.........

Photo Credit: Any photo I use is owned by me ... #GloriaFayeBrownBates/aka #GrannyGee

Story is true story; it really happened when Tommy was a little fellow. Story is written in my words; owned by me ... #GloriaFayeBrownBates/aka #GrannyGee

Note:

On the news this morning, I saw about a little four year old boy being banned from a donut place he went to with his mother. All because the owner said he was rude. All he did was ask a woman if she was pregnant.

My 'Gloria Opinion' is ... children are taught to be open, to say what they feel, think in 'today's time'. Tommy, as an only child, was used to being talked to by adults. Children are even more open, today.

I felt bad for the child being banned from an establishment, for that comment. He didn't say anything bad. You can think what you want ... this happens to be my opinion. :)

I'm So Proud Of You, Son ...

I'm Proud Of You, Son ...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Watching tv tonight, I watched a young man sing on America's Got Talent. When he found out he was among the chosen, he put his arm to his face. He pressed it there, to catch his tears.


His gesture touched something deep inside me. Not only that, his whole demeanor reminded me of my son .... Tommy. He was humble ... it meant so much to him to be chosen to go on in the competition.


When he left the judges, he called his mother. He told her that he'd made it through. She said the words that I remember so well ... words that I used to say to Tommy ... many times.


Tears sprang to my eyes ... I put my arm up to my own eyes when I heard his mother say ... "I'm so proud of you, son"!


Photo credit: Photo is of my son, Tommy... owned by me. I'm fortunate to have my photos. They survived a house fire that destroyed all our belongings. My photos are damaged from smoke, water. I treasure them with my Heart.


I was reminded tonight of how I used to tell my own son, Tommy ... many times ... "I'm so proud of you, Son".


Tommy died May 29, 2010 with 2 blockages to his heart. He collapsed at Myrtle Beach on the sand. He'd been running, playing with his 3 year old son.


Tommy made it 'just in time' ... to play with Taban. I miss my son with my very Heart. I was ... most proud of him.

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What Did You Plant In Your Garden ... Today?

What Did You Plant In Your Garden ... Today?
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee .....



What did you plant in your garden today?
Did you plant seeds of love, happiness, smiles

Or did you plant seeds of hate, ugliness, meanness
In your garden, today?

The day will come, when you reap what you sow
In your garden today ...

You see someone who looks perfect on the outside
As time goes by ... one sees what's beneath 'the soil'

Hatred, wrinkles, meanness appear on one's face
Reflecting what was planted many years ago

Like a beautiful flower, one's face can reflect inner beauty
From years gone by ... no matter how life has been

Reflecting how one has choosen to cope with all that life
Throws at us ... ugly ... good .. bad

I've tried to cope with everything, no matter how bad
The worse ... being my only child died

The next worse, being ... my husband had cancer
The next worse, being ... I had cancer

The list goes on, some almost as bad as I named
I've lost the very family members I truly loved, many of them

All in just a period of a few years ... one bad thing after another
Shock after shock .... grief, more grief

Each time, I tell myself that no matter what, how bad
Everything's going to be alright

Sometimes, it takes more time than others
To cope with each 'bad' thing

Attitude ... trying to keep a positive attitude
Makes all the difference ... I didn't say it was ... easy

You might be ... beautiful ... today, on the outside
Years later, one gets to 'see the real you' when you grow older

It's going to come out one way or the other ... look in the mirror
What did you plant in your garden ... today?

He's ... In A Better Place

He's ... In A Better Place
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

My son, Tommy and his son ... Taban.  The love of my Heart ... when Tommy died, my whole world stopped.  I didn't lose only him ... I lost contact with my grandchildren.  I had Skip, our Pups ... the rest of my world, though.  I'm so fortunate.

　


He's in a better place ... stop, think about this. I hope no one ever says that to me ... again. I don't know what I will say back to them, or ... if I'll ever speak to them again.

I respect some people feel that way when their loved ones die. I even think ... some people 'are better off, and in a better place', when they ... die.

There are some people I ... don't feel are in a better place. My son is one of them ... he didn't want to be in ... a better place. He wanted to live ... he had dreams ... hope ... plans for his life.

He was going to be a parole officer ... in the following weeks after his trip to the beach ... he would have been working toward his goal. We were so thankful, grateful ... because no one would believe the grief Tommy had experienced the year before. That's another story for ... later.

Everyone wants to see their children do good with their life. They have dreams for them. Parents want to feel happiness seeing a smile on their child's face ... no matter how old they are.

In my case, Tommy was my only child. All my hopes, dreams for my child came to an end ... when he collapsed on that beach ... to never come home.

I don't have my son to look forward to as I get older. I don't have grandchildren to look forward to as I ... get older. Everything ... stopped when Tommy died.

My world revolves around Skip, our three Pups ... Kissy, Chadwick, and Camie. They are my world ... I have no one else.

Tommy was the huge part of our world ... like a table with four legs. What happens if something happens to one leg ... it collapses until one learns to prop the table back up; or ... throw it away/quit living.

At first, I wasn't aware I was living. The darkness I was in ... buffered me from the pain. Everytime ... I would try to come back to the sunshine ... like the sunshine, the pain from the bright light was too much ... back into the darkness I went.

Just before ... I was looking forward to Tommy doing happy things with his life. I was smiling inside at ... how he smiled, his excitement to go play with his little three year old son at the ocean.

The evening before ... Tommy's eyes were sparkling with happiness, excitement. Why did that mean so much? Because, the past year he had lived in ... pure hell. He never smiled again after what happened to him. Tommy was living with ... surviver's guilt.

The point here is ... when Tommy died, he had finally got on the path ... people were encouraging him, going to help him go toward his dream. He ... had plans, dreams.

So, sometimes ... I feel 'pure, white-hot anger' ... when someone says to me, "Gloria, your son's in a better place, now". Most of the time, I keep my mouth shut. I try to choose my battles ...

I think if someone would stop to think about what they say ... before they say it ... mentally put themselves in a parent's shoes ... whose child has died ... think of how it'd feel to lose their child ... for a moment, they'd feel that little fear.

There's no way to 'feel exactly' how it feels if it's never happened to you. You ... think it won't happen to you. I can tell you ... yes, it can happen to you, just as it happened to me. Suppose ... it was your only child? Suppose ... that was your ... whole family ...

Would you ... think your child went to ... a better place? Could you walk around smiling ... just knowing you are ... going to see him one day?

I love everyone ... I have a big heart. I'm not a mean person ... though, I could be ... if I had to be. I'm not perfect. So, if someone tells me that again ... know that I might be ugly enough to turn my back on you ... and walk on with my life.

I don't think ... Tommy, my only child ... my son ... I don't think he is in a better place.

　

Note:

I think when people tell a bereaved parent such ... they've never experienced losing a child to know the most horrible pain they've ever known in life.

I think they tell someone that because they've learned it from others ... think it's the thing to say. I think, also ... it's to help keep a person from talking out loud about their loss; no one wants to hear a grieving person talk.

No one need to worry ... I won't talk about the loss of my child to anyone. I can write my grief. He 'didn't go to a better place' ...

　

　
I am writing my grief, as promised.  That's what my blog is all about ... real life.  If you don't agree with me ... that's okay, I respect your beliefs.  I write grief ... I know it best in life ... grief, pain.  I don't write it to gain sympathy; nor do I wallow in self-pity. 

A person can come here to read ... just like in a quiet library.  When finished, just click away to the next website.  You can go away each time, learning how a grieving mother feels ... without experiencing the real thing.  I pray you never do ... as a mother, I can't tell you of any worse pain.　

Thoracotomy Syndrome... and Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma... 'Forever Pain'

Thoracotomy Syndrome... and Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.... 'Forever Pain'
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee...

If anyone has ever had a thoracotomy surgery... they know how severe the pain is... always.

If anyone has ever had... two thoracotomy surgeries... that normally doesn't happen... you know the 'forever pain'... and how 'out of the blue'... such pain can just begin 'rolling'.... and I can only describe it as ... an 'earthquake in my chest'.

I am over it now, thank-goodness! :))) It's called 'thoracotomy syndrome'... I've had two... thoracotomies. I can't describe the 'forever pain'.

I have tried medicine for the first time in sixteen years ...to help the pain go away... I gave out of it several weeks ago...I thought I wouldn't hurt anymore. I have been finding out 'what I've missed' .... I called the doctor, made an appointment... I have to wait until July 10th.

The good thing about the medicine is that it isn't a narcotic... I stressed that when he prescribed medicine to me. The doctor wasn't used to having a patient 'not wanting'... narcotics. I was so amazed, myself. :)))

The pain is what I was coping with lately... I wasn't going to write about it... but, now, I wonder if anyone else has went through the surgery, much less 'two' of them like I have... and has .. thoracotomy syndrome?

I'd be so interested in hearing from you. I've stayed private about this for so long... that's 'why I don't know' anyone else who has ever experienced it. Same way with having .... non-Hodgkins lymphoma.




NOTE:   I wrote these two posts on my Facebook and on Precious Camo (Camie's) status tonight.  I am sharing it on my blogs.  This is a part of my life I live with everyday.  I hope maybe someone will know about this, share their experience.  Also, let you all know that when I don't write for a short time (unless my internet's not working for some reason).... that I'm experiencing this.  It's okay... I had to go through all to be here... today.  Everything's alright, no matter what.  :))))))

................................................................................................................................................

Camie Update: July 01, 2014.... Tuesday

　

I haven't updated this evening

because I wasn't well. I am just fine, now. :)))) I shared with everyone

about what I went through. It's something I've suffered with for sixteen years.

Pain..... This is a pain is unlike any I've ever

known. The good thing is... it's eased off. :))) I find myself looking

forward to going back to the doctor... while I took the medicine for the past

three months... I forgot how 'bad' the pain is. So, when I gave out

several weeks ago.... I thought I would be just fine... everyday... it began to

get progressively worse.... this evening being the worst. Now, I know better.

:)))) I look forward to my appointment on July 10th. I never complain

about this pain... nor do I talk about it. Why? It's me... I'm very private.

I will write time to time about it. Tonight, I was thinking ...'that's why I

don't know a lot about it'... I don't know of anyone who has ever had a

thoracotomy.... especially anyone having ... two thoracotomies.

Anyway.... I know people have emailed me... messaged me about 'why' I haven't

felt well lately. This is what I've been going through I said that I

don't complain.... the reason I don't, is because it's 'my trade-off to live'.

When I had both surgeries... it meant life or death. I have

non-Hodgkins lymphoma... cancer. The good thing is that I've survived it...

I've never complained, nor 'asked why'.... not even one time.   I knew

inside that it happened to me for a reason... three years after I was

diagnosed.... and still battling it.... Skip was diagnosed with colon cancer. I

'knew' that was 'why'..... I knew he could get well. He saw firsthand all I

battled... and cared for me. I did the same to him... we made it. I

know this has nothing to do with Camie's update, tonight. Then... again...

maybe it does. I rescued her one year ago... she was at Death's Door... I knew

that if I couldn't make her live.... she would not die alone without love,

comfort, and having me nearby her almost every moment. So, when I say

I'm not well... it doesn't mean I'm dying. It just means I'm going through

what I call 'forever pain'... because it's pain that never goes away. That's

okay, I've known pain since I was old enough to hurt, be aware of it. I'm not

afraid of it... it has strengthened me. It's worth it... to live.

Camie and Kissy are at this very moment trying to get me to come to bed....

Chadwick and Skip are already in the bedroom. :))))) That tells you... she is

doing fine this evening. I'm amazed when our Pups come to be near me

when I go through the times like this evening. The pain makes me cry softly...

but, it doesn't mean I'm weak. :))))) I wanted to tell you all

this... you won't see me write about it very often. I feel you should know....

so many of you care about Camie... she's a part of your day each day. When I

don't feel well... you'll have an idea why. :))) Goodnight everyone.

Everything is alright.... it's still alright when I go through it.... it's just

hard to write at that time! :)))))