Sunday, December 25, 2011


Glazed Coffee Cake, 2 Pumpkin Pies and A Little Christmas Tree...

24 December, 2011

We've been gone all evening and we were talking to some very nice people and time .. flew by. We stood outside and you know how it is when you have such a rapport with people you like... a couple of hours go by quickly. We were frozen when we got into the pickup to come home.

We turned the heat up and the Christmas lights on, and the clear lights on the Ficus tree on. I, also, turned the 'fireplace' on... actually it's a stove that is electric and you can turn the fireplace on.... and it looks so real. We have the atmosphere set to watch our traditional movie we watch every year... National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

The house smells so good as Skip has just glazed the crumb coffee cake he baked. Guess what? I have 2 pumpkin pies in the oven that will soon be ready to take out to cool.

Skip has just opened the door to step outside in the cold air and he said it really smelled good outside. The people who live nearby have a wood-burning stove and the smoke smell is in the air... it smells wonderful. Walking back inside and seeing the 'fireplace burning'... the lights all around and the scent of pies baking and a cake just freshly baked.... well, it looks and smells like Christmas!

How comforting all these things are. Tomorrow morning we will get up and put the turkey in the oven to roast. I'll begin making the dressing and potato salad and later, the gravy for the dressing. We'll have peas and whole cranberry sauce and I'll make iced tea ... with lemon.  But first.... before doing all this........ we will go feed the feral cats and make sure they aren't hungry... this we do every morning faithfully.

'Now'.... I'm so glad we decided to have a Christmas Day meal... we almost didn't. We've been grieving over Tommy not being here and not seeing either Taban or McKenzie. At this very moment... I can 'see' that though we feel this way, we are going to be alright now. Before.. I was experiencing many emotions but, I think that's normal when one loses their child, in my case only child, my son.

I have no way of comparing this grief to know how long or what kind of emotions one will go through when they lose their child. I don't know anyone else who has lost their child. So, all I can do is write what I have felt and feel now. Tommy went to heaven on May 29, 2010 and to this day, I am still grieving for him.. and the pain is great. Especially on holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas seems the pain is greater, and on the day he was born.. November 20, 1969.

I'm sure I will keep on experiencing a roller-coaster of emotions the rest of my life and feel so 'down' from time to time... I'm sure I will keep on getting back up dusting my pants off. I loved my son with my heart and when one loves someone with their very being... it's going to hurt when they ... when they ...die.

I am a fighter.. I have fought many uphill battles to reach the top and win them... I will keep on until the day I'm not here anymore. It does hurt very much to love someone to lose them one day... I know life is... that way. We can't change that... it's the way life is.... that's 'why' I always say that. Those few words 'that's the way life is'.... says it all.

What matters is how we go from each loss of a loved one... I will admit... I haven't done the best at all but, I never... stop trying to go forward. I think I'm alright... only later.. to realize 'no, I'm not'. But really.... I am alright though sometimes... I'm not. I've made it through the very worst.... to get here.. now.

I'm glad I can write about these things I could never talk about all to anyone and the 'good thing here' is... this is mine to write what I want. I can keep saying things over and over if I want to... until the power of it is taken away.. to hurt me. If anyone chooses to read all I write... that's their choice and I'm not forcing anyone to 'listen' to me. I'm honored for the people who take their time to email me and to comment...and to read and follow my blog..... it means so much to me.

Tonight... I can see that this Christmas is going to be one I can get through without anything to buffer the pain.... last Christmas, I couldn't. I can smile now, in the softest way, at this very moment and say to all of you... I wish you a very Merry Christmas with only such special happiness in each person's heart.... I'm going to be alright now. We have the glazed coffeecake and 2 pumpkin pies done now.. tomorrow ..we'll finish cooking all the traditional Christmas Day foods to complete our Christmas Day. I'll be sharing mine with Skip and Kissy and Chadwick... I have my loved ones around me. I'm happy now. :))))) This is my comfort and my joy this Christmas, 2011.  I quietly say to you all... Merry Christmas.

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